CAST OF CHARACTERS:

EMPEROR: Male. Smug, crude, full of himself and not very bright.

PEYTON: Male or female, a TV reporter who knows how to be deferential and not ask too many uncomfortable questions.

DALE: Male or female, a smooth, forceful surrogate for the Emperor who knows how to keep reporters fearful and in their place.

LEE: Male or female, a reporter who is not inclined to play the game in the way that the Palace and the network would like.

 

TIME

The Present.

 

SETTING

The Situation Room for Emperor TV.

 

 

AT RISE: PEYTON is sitting with the EMPEROR. The EMPEROR wears only briefs or boxers, with a silly pattern on them. He seems pleased with himself. PEYTON is deferential, almost awed.

PEYTON

Folks, tonight we have an Emperor TV exclusive. It’s an interview the other networks have been after – but we landed it. The Emperor is a busy man, and he’s not exactly crazy for the news media. And yet – he’s taken the time to sit down to talk, one on one, with yours truly.

(to EMPEROR)

Sir, this is a great honor.

EMPEROR

You’re right, Peyton, it is. Access is key. And I am allowing you access to me. And that’s a pretty rare thing. You should feel lucky.

PEYTON

I do, I certainly do. You’ve – uh – you’ve certainly chosen a bold, new look for tonight, sir.

EMPEROR

That’s right, I have. And that’s one reason for this interview. I wanted to show off my new suit of clothes.

PEYTON

(confused)

Your . . . new . . .

EMPEROR

This is not just any suit of clothes, Peyton. This is a magical suit of clothes that separates the smart people from the stupid people.

PEYTON

Oh?

EMPEROR

Yeah, see, what happened was, these tailors came to see me. And they explained, they had magical bolts of cloth, okay? And only smart people can see the cloth. The dumb people can’t see it at all, it’s, like, invisible to them. So, I am very, very smart, and so of course, I could see the cloth. Like, right away. And my advisers, I told them about the situation and then I tested them. And all of them could see the cloth. Which just proves how smart I am – because every single one of them could see it. And I chose them to be my advisers.

PEYTON

Well – yes, sir, that does say a lot about your good sense of judgment.

EMPEROR

How about you, Peyton?

PEYTON

Me?

EMPEROR

Yeah, you. How do you like my suit of clothes?

PEYTON

It’s – lovely, sir. It’s dazzling. It’s dignified. I’ve never seen a finer suit.

EMPEROR

It’s a nice cut, isn’t it? I think it’s a pretty sharp-looking suit. You know? It makes a statement. It was expensive, but worth every penny. ‘Cause like I say, it’s magic.

(rises abruptly)

Okay, end of interview, that went on for long enough.

(The EMPEROR strides OFFSTAGE. PEYTON calls after him)

PEYTON

Well – but thank you so much, sir, for sitting down and talking with me!

(to imaginary camera – to audience)

How’s that for bringing news to you, up close and personal, huh? The Emperor himself! And now, we have even more of an honor. Dale, the Emperor’s surrogate, is stopping by to do a follow-up interview.

(DALE ENTERS, and has a seat.)

PEYTON (CONT’D)

Dale, it’s always good to see you. The Emperor seemed to be in a pretty good mood tonight.

DALE

Yes, Peyton, he is. He’s very excited about his new suit of clothes.

PEYTON

Understandably so.

DALE

But you seemed a little confused at the start of your interview with him. Are you sure you could see it?

PEYTON

(laughs)

Aw, now, Dale, you’re not implying anything about my intelligence, are you?

DALE

Well, it just seems like you in the media have to automatically doubt everything the Emperor says. Whether that’s a sign of a lack of intelligence, or not . . .

PEYTON

I don’t, uh – I don’t doubt everything the Emperor says, but of course, as a journalist I try to examine all sides of an issue –

DALE

And what about your report last week that the Emperor is running a “witch hunt”? When he’s the one that the witch hunt is going after! He’s the one that’s persecuted!

PEYTON

Well – I mean . . . the Palace has announced a formal investigation into whether there are witches who have cast an evil spell and are causing a pestilence throughout the land.

DALE

Sure, but isn’t that the job of the Emperor? Don’t you want the Palace to be concerned if people are dying of a plague?

PEYTON

Of course, we’re all very glad that the Emperor is concerned. It’s just that –

DALE

It’s just that what?

PEYTON

Well, there are doctors and scientists who say the plague may be caused by other factors. By – germs. By bad health and sanitation, due to budget cuts.

DALE

And you always have to take the side of the doctors and scientists, don’t you –

PEYTON

No, not always, but I try to give different viewpoints a hearing when –

DALE

Who knows more about this plague? The Emperor or the scientists?

PEYTON

That’s – that’s not really for me to –

DALE

And why do you call it a “witch hunt”? You really give away your bias against the Emperor when you use that kind of loaded, hyperbolic language. When you know that the real witch hunt is against our Emperor! It’s a total witch hunt, it’s a disgrace, the way he gets misrepresented, and vilified, and libeled by people like you. You’re the enemies of the Empire!

PEYTON

Well – but hold on, now, Dale, the Emperor himself, in his mini-proclamation, called it a witch hunt. He said, and I quote: “We’re going to end this plague very fast through my wonderful witch hunt.”

DALE

He was joking, Peyton. He was making fun of you vicious, terrible people in the media and the way you spin these things, and the way you use words and phrases with negative connotations to mess with people’s minds! This is an investigation into the evil witches who are probably causing the plague, an investigation, not a “hunt,” and if you in the press corps learned to mind your manners and refer to it properly, we could end these problems a lot faster. Or do you like to see our land ravaged by a pestilence?

PEYTON

No, I certainly don’t –

DALE

Okay, you know what?  I’m out of here also. End of interview.

(DALE gets up and leaves. PEYTON stares at the camera, a little shaken.)

PEYTON

Wow. Strong words there from Dale, the Emperor’s surrogate. This certainly has been an exciting night for us here on Emperor TV – lots of live, unscripted moments, and confrontational, in-your-face journalism. But hey, this is the kind of hard-hitting reporting that I love! We’ll be back in a moment.

(PEYTON’s facial expression and tone change as the station cuts to a commercial –

PEYTON’s manner becomes more natural. PEYTON is no longer looking into an imaginary camera.)

PEYTON (CONT’D)

Okay, so, am I doing the rest of this segment? Or is Lee? Is Lee around?

(LEE steps ONSTAGE)

LEE

Yeah, I’m around. But it looks like you’re doing the rest of the segment. I’m just here tonight to clean out my desk.

PEYTON

Well, that’s a real shame, Lee. That’s kind of a self-inflicted wound.

LEE

Naah, I don’t think so. It’s not my loss. I think it actually might be Emperor TV’s loss.

PEYTON

That’s silly. You know the station would keep you on if you just had a more professional attitude.

LEE

We have different ideas about that.

PEYTON

If you could just stay objective. If you could stop editorializing in the middle of a news broadcast!

LEE

Look, Peyton. When the Palace announces that the sky is green, and I look out my window and see the sky is blue – I’m going to say so on the air.

PEYTON

That’s completely unprofessional! That’s just your opinion.

LEE

It’s not my opinion. When the Palace says something that’s objectively wrong –

PEYTON

Look, Lee. You get high ratings but you’re too negative and you’re too controversial. The Palace is pissed off enough at us, as it is. Did you hear how Dale was going after me?

LEE

Yeah, they like to keep you terrified and servile and on the run.

PEYTON

No, they just want us to play ball with them, and that’s reasonable if we want to keep having access –

LEE

Access isn’t worth anything if you grovel and fawn –

PEYTON

(seeing a signal)

Okay, fine, shut up and get out of here then, that’s the signal, I’m almost on.

LEE

Great.

(LEE strides off to the side of the stage. PEYTON goes back to a smooth newscaster’s manner.)

PEYTON

And we’re back. I’ll be joined in a moment by a panel to consider whether I should apologize to the Palace for using the term “witch hunt” even though the Emperor himself has used that term. Palace surrogate Dale made a really strong argument before the break – the Emperor may have used the term ironically, to bait people like me. He may have been joking. It’s important to keep in mind –

(The EMPEROR strides back onto the stage.)

EMPEROR

Hey, Peyton, I’m back. I thought of some other stuff to say to you. That was a really great point that Dale made about me saying “witch hunt.” I can call it a “witch hunt” because I’m joking. Except maybe I’m not joking. Except maybe I am.

PEYTON

That’s – a really interesting point you’re making, sir.

(LEE is incredulous, and wanders back to CENTER STAGE, where they are, in front of the camera)

LEE

Hold on. Why is the Emperor wandering around like that?

PEYTON

Lee, get off the air! You don’t work here anymore.

EMPEROR

Wandering around like what? I’m showing off my new suit of clothes!

LEE

New suit, nothing. You’re almost butt-naked.

EMPEROR

Yeah, you know what? That just goes to show you’re really dumb. Smart people can see my new clothes. You just proved you’re a dummy, so ha ha ha!

LEE

Really. Who handed you that line?

EMPEROR

Tailors with bolts of magical cloth. Okay? So, you can suck it!

LEE

Sounds like you got scammed.

EMPEROR

Oh yeah, dummy? Then, how come everybody else can see my new clothes?

LEE

They’re lying. They’re cowards and they won’t stand up to the lie. But all you’ve got on right now are underpants, with a pattern of ________________.

(LEE describes the pattern that is, in fact, on the EMPEROR’s underpants. The EMPEROR appears suddenly self-conscious)

EMPEROR

Hey!

PEYTON

Okay, cut! Cut to commercial!

(Once off the air, PEYTON, furious, turns on LEE)

PEYTON

Okay, Lee, get off the set and out of the building before I have you thrown out! If you’re going to insult the Emperor and prevent actual journalism from happening –

LEE

I’m gone, I’m gone.

EMPEROR

How come Lee said that? How come Lee could see the pattern on my underpants?

PEYTON

I don’t know, sir. But Lee doesn’t work here anymore.

(LEE EXITS. DALE rushes in, soothing the EMPEROR)

DALE

Sir, it’s because Lee is dumb. And to dumb people, your suit seems invisible. So your underpants are visible. That’s what stupid people see.

PEYTON

Absolutely, sir. Dale must be right.

EMPEROR

So, all the stupid people can see my underpants?

DALE

That’s right.

PEYTON

But they’re very tasteful, elegant underpants, sir.

EMPEROR

Oh yeah? How would you know?

PEYTON

I – I can only imagine . . . a man like you . . . You would choose . . .

EMPEROR

Just watch yourself, Peyton. I’m onto you. I’m onto all of you “news” people. I might start an investigation of you. I might even start a witch hunt. Get it?

PEYTON

(laughs)

Yes, I get it. Good one, sir!

DALE

Do you think the Emperor is joking, Peyton?

PEYTON

Only if you and the Emperor say so. You just let me know the answer – and I’ll

report it.

LIGHTS DOWN