Production History:
Ryan and Alice? had its world premiere on June 2, 2016 at the Cincy Fringe Festival, Cincinnati, OH (Andrew Hungerford, Artistic Director). It was directed by Emma Miller; it was produced by Carly Mungovan. The cast was as follows:

ALICE…Julia Greer

RYAN…Aaron Lynn

 

Characters:

ALICE (19, female)

RYAN (22, male)

 

Setting: A bathroom during a shitty apartment party, some distance outside Louisville, KY.

A (/) in the dialogue indicates when the next character should begin their line.

—

A bathroom in an apartment just outside of Louisville. A toilet. A sink with drawers. A mirror covered in Post-It notes. A bathtub.

 

A house party winds down just outside the bathroom.

 

Ryan, 22, sits on the edge of the tub, loathing everything about his current situation except the beer in his hand. He sits for a while.

 

Eventually, Ryan starts snooping – more out of boredom than curiosity. He finds some lotion, puts it on, smells it, decides he hates it. He finds a pill bottle, shakes it, pockets it. He finds a curling iron. He snaps the curling iron a few times – clipping it to things, then starts playing with it as if it were a light saber. He makes the noises.

RYAN

Whomm! Whomm! “Attachment leads to fear, fear leads to hate, and hate leads to the DARK SIDE.” Whomm!

 

Alice, 19, enters and blankly watches. Ryan finally turns to see her.

RYAN

OCCUPIED!!

ALICE

What are you doing?

RYAN

Nothing. Just washing my hands.

ALICE

That’s my curling iron.

RYAN

Sorry. I’ll just uh–

I was– I washed my hands.

ALICE

Really?

RYAN

Yeah.

ALICE

Was it difficult?

RYAN

What? No.

ALICE

I just thought it would be difficult to wash your hands considering the sink’s water line broke yesterday.

RYAN

Oh.

ALICE

It’s why there’s a “Do Not Enter” sign on the door.

RYAN

I thought that was just, uh, decoration.

ALICE

Well it’s not. The bathroom is off-limits to the party, it’s not somewhere for you to like, LARP, or whatever.

RYAN

I wasn’t LARPING, I–

Sorry. Parties aren’t really my thing.

ALICE

But bathrooms are?

RYAN

Ha. Ha.

ALICE

Who do you even know here?

RYAN

Jeremy.

ALICE

…?

RYAN

My cousin. Tall guy, big arms?

Neck tattoo?

ALICE

That guy.

RYAN

We’re not that close. He brought me to be his wingman. His idea. I kinda owe him.

 

ALICE

You wingman by hiding in the bathroom? Effective.

RYAN

Thanks for the advice.

ALICE

Everyone’s basically left now, you can probably…

RYAN

Right. Well. Have a good… Night.

ALICE

And to you.

 

Ryan opens the door and abruptly comes back in.

ALICE

Um. Excuse me!

RYAN

Sex on the couch.

ALICE

Uh, no thanks!

RYAN

Ha. No. Sex on the couch.

 

Alice opens the door to check.

ALICE

Oh my God.

RYAN

Looks like my wingmanning worked after all!

ALICE

Gross.

RYAN

Victory is mine! Or, his. He’s the one actually getting laid.

ALICE

She must think I’m in my room. And obviously no one thought you were just creeping in the bathroom.

RYAN

Hey, I — parties aren’t really my thing.

ALICE

What is your thing?

RYAN

I don’t know. I guess I don’t have a thing.

 

Alice laughs.

RYAN

I have a thing, okay?!

Are we gonna…

ALICE

What?

RYAN

Shouldn’t you, like, go talk to your roommate?

ALICE

Kristina? No.

RYAN

Okay then…

ALICE

I’m just subletting for the summer – I don’t really know her.

RYAN

Ah.

ALICE

Not well enough to walk in on her, like, indisposed anyway.

RYAN

Great.

ALICE

Can’t you–? He’s your cousin.

RYAN

Oh no no. No. He’d kill me for interrupting. And what’s happening out there is basically mission accomplished for me as tonight’s designated wingman.

ALICE

Gross.

RYAN

So.

 

Ryan sits on the toilet.

ALICE

So??

RYAN

We wait it out? If you’re really not going to go talk to your roommate.

ALICE

No.

RYAN

Then…

ALICE

In the bathroom??

RYAN

I guess.

 

Alice starts breathing.

RYAN

You okay?

ALICE

Yes. I’m fine. I’ll be fine.

 

Alice gets a hold of her breathing.

Silence. Neither one knows what to do.

Ryan starts playing with the toilet paper roll. It unravels.

ALICE

Could you not?

RYAN

Sorry.

ALICE

I have to pay for that.

RYAN

Sorry.

ALICE

People don’t tell you you have to buy toilet paper in the real world. You just come home one day really needing to pee and you’re fucked. Though I guess you wouldn’t have that problem, being a guy.

RYAN

Yeah. Sorry.

ALICE

That’s the first roll of toilet paper I ever bought, and it’s like a symbol of me doing this all on my own and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t waste it.

RYAN

Your first ever?

ALICE

Yeah.

RYAN

How momentous.

You should, uh, you should frame a square like people do with the first dollar they earn.

ALICE

I get direct deposit.

RYAN

No, I know, it was a–. Whatever, it doesn’t–. Sorry.

 

Silence. More silence.

RYAN                                                 ALICE

(simultaneously)                                        (simultaneously)

Why can’t you–                                        Where are you–

ALICE

Ha, what / were you

 RYAN

Sorry, I–

ALICE

Go ahead.

RYAN

No, it’s–

 

Silence.

Alice starts breathing. Ryan notices, but doesn’t say anything.

The breathing dies down.

Finally:

RYAN

Really wish I had some weed.

ALICE

Um…?

RYAN

This is just a really weird and tense… I feel uncomfortable and I think weed would help.

ALICE

Oh.

RYAN

You know?

ALICE

Yeah.

Well no. I’ve never done it before.

 

Silence.

ALICE (CONT.)

Though this seems like an excellent time to start.

RYAN

You don’t ‘do drugs’?

ALICE

No.

RYAN

Oh.

ALICE

I’m not like against it, I just haven’t yet.

RYAN

Okay.

ALICE

Why, do I look like I do drugs?

RYAN

…

ALICE

Wow, you are such an asshole.

 

Alice puts her head between her knees.

Breathing.

Breathing.

Breathing.

RYAN

Shit, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to—

ALICE

I’M IN A FIELD!

RYAN

What?

ALICE

I’M IN A WIDE OPEN FIELD!

RYAN

You’re in a bathroom.

Breathing harder.

 

ALICE

Shut up! Idiot!

RYAN

What did I do?

ALICE

I need to be in a field. I need a minute. I need– I need–

 

She crawls over to the sink drawers, looking for something.

Breathing.

 RYAN

What’s happening?

ALICE

I have–. I just need to find–.

Where the fuck?

 

Breathing.

RYAN

What’s wrong?

ALICE

I need–. Medicine. My pills.

 

BREATHING.

RYAN

…

!!!

Shit! These?

 

Ryan produces the pills from his pocket.

ALICE

Yes!! WHY–???

 

Struggling to breathe.

RYAN

Fuck. Here. How many?

 

Alice holds up two fingers. Ryan gives her two of the pills. He goes to the sink to get her water, forgetting it’s broken.

 RYAN

Shit! Broken fucking sink.

 

He settles on his beer.

ALICE

???

RYAN

I know you’re not supposed to…pills with alcohol. But this seems like–. Like really fucking urgent!!

 

Alice downs the pills. Pause.

ALICE

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK??

 

Breathing.

RYAN

Do you feel– Is it better?

ALICE

WHY WOULD YOU TAKE / MY MEDICINE!

 

Coughing.

RYAN

Shh! Stop! Don’t yell.

 

He clasps his hand over her mouth. She squirms. He holds her down.

RYAN

Shhhhh. Breathe. Through your nose.

How’s your heart? Is it beating real fast?

Is your heart beating real fast??

 

Alice stops struggling and nods her head, yes.

RYAN

Do you feel nauseous? Dizzy?

 

Alice shakes her head, no.

RYAN

You’re going to be okay. Keep breathing.

We can just sit here.

 

He takes his hand off her mouth.

Silence. Some time passes.

ALICE

Thanks? But also, what the fuck??

RYAN

I know – I know –

ALICE

That’s really fucked up. To take someone / else’s meds.

RYAN

I know. Really fucked up.

ALICE

Is that something you like, do? Are you like, an addict?

RYAN

No! No. I just thought – this has been a really fucking weird time for me? Like in my life?

ALICE

I know what you mean – some psycho stranger just stole my anxiety medication.

RYAN

It was just…stupid!! Really stupid! I didn’t even look at what they were.

…

I was going to put them back.

ALICE

No you weren’t.

RYAN

Do you get panic attacks a lot?

ALICE

Do you help people through panic attacks a lot?

RYAN

I asked you first.

ALICE

Sorry, Stranger In My Bathroom. We’re not going down that road.

Pause.

RYAN

You know when you’re old enough to look at your parents and objectively know they’re crazy? And all of a sudden they’re the ones that need to be taken care of? Like, if you were them you’d be able to make much better decisions about their lives?

ALICE

No.

RYAN

What?

ALICE

I’ve never felt that way. My parents are amazing.

RYAN

Oh. Cool.

Pause.

RYAN

You sound better. You’ll probably be okay now.

ALICE

Not likely.

RYAN

Why?

ALICE

I’m stuck in a bathroom.

RYAN

Oh, is it like a claustrophic thing?

ALICE

No, literally just…bathrooms. They kinda freak me out like a lot. I know that sounds really weird but it’s very real and I don’t like the prospect of being trapped in one.

RYAN

Is that a common… fear?

ALICE

I don’t know. Probably not. Like you’re so perfect. Klepto.

RYAN

I didn’t mean common like normal…

ALICE

I don’t know why it’s bathrooms, okay? It’s not my fault.

RYAN

No of course.

ALICE

And it’s not like I was molested in a bathroom as a child or anything.

RYAN

Well that’s…good?

ALICE

I read online that trauma can be passed down through genes that are related to the regulation of stress hormones. So like, if my great-grandmother went through something really traumatic, the effects could show up in my genes.

RYAN

That’s kind of a mindfuck.

ALICE

I know!

Maybe I have Holocaust genes.

 

Baby pause.

RYAN

That would be so cool.

ALICE

What?

RYAN

I mean, the Holocaust was terrible and a tragedy and Hitler and like, stuff...!

ALICE

Uh, yeah. It was unconscionable.

RYAN

But it was Important. “Capitol I” Important. It would be so cool to know you were connected, like in blood or genes or whatever, to something “Capitol I” Important.

ALICE

But the Holocaust?

RYAN

The Holocaust. Or the Trail of Tears! Or the Plague?

 

Beat.

ALICE

So… She must think I’m in my room.

RYAN

Who?

ALICE

Kristina. My roommate. On the couch.

RYAN

Right.

ALICE

She wouldn’t just be having sex out there if she knew we were stuck in here. I think. I don’t actually know. She’s a little weird.

RYAN

Yeah, these motivational notes by the mirror are pretty pathetic.

 

Ryan pulls off a Post-It note and reads:

 RYAN (CONT.)

“Confidence is sexy, but a good hair day doesn’t hurt!”

ALICE

Those are mine.

RYAN

Shit.

 

Ryan carefully returns the Post-It to its place.

RYAN (CONT.)

So…how’s she weird?

ALICE

Um… well she wears a lot of body glitter because apparently the ‘90s are back, and when she washes it off it fucks up our sink.

RYAN

Body glitter? What is she, a stripper?

ALICE

No, she’s a waitress.

RYAN

Oh. Where?

ALICE

Some place by the freeway.

 

Ryan starts laughing.

Beat.

ALICE

Oh my GOD. Is she a stripper? Am I living with a stripper??

RYAN

Hahaha, shit. I think you might be.

ALICE

Oh my God. I have to figure this out.

RYAN

How?

ALICE

I don’t know. Clues. Context clues!

RYAN

Seen any tassels lying around?

ALICE

Gross.

RYAN

Does she pay the rent in vertically folded singles?

ALICE

I don’t know, maybe!

RYAN

Does she come home from work covered in a musk of sad, lonely men?

ALICE

Stop!

RYAN

I could go all day!

ALICE

I know, so stop.

RYAN

I thought you wanted to know.

ALICE

Sometimes you’re better off not knowing.

RYAN

Sometimes you are better off not knowing.

ALICE

What were we talking about before this?

RYAN

Your roommate being weird.

ALICE

My roommate being weird. And maybe a stripper. And I was just pissed that she alphabetizes the pantry!

RYAN

That doesn’t seem so weird.

ALICE

No, like the spices aren’t under “s” for spices, they’re categorized individually. Cumin is under “c” by the chocolate chips and paprika is under “p” by the potatoes. That’s not how I like things.

RYAN

Ok, but how often do you actually use paprika?

ALICE

All the time. I’m a chef.

RYAN

How old are you?

ALICE

RYAN

And you’re already a chef?

ALICE

Well, I’m not really a chef, I’m studying to be a chef. But my instructor says at some point you just gotta start taking yourself seriously and say you’re a chef. I’m working in a kitchen this summer – just chopping vegetables and shit but, still it’s a kitchen. So now, I’m a chef!

Kind of. Now that I say it out loud it sounds kind of stupid.

RYAN

Man, for you being a chef, the snacks here really sucked.

ALICE

???????

 

Ryan starts laughing – it was a joke.

ALICE

You’re pretty weird.

RYAN

Yeah.

 

Pause.

ALICE

I was doing really well. No attacks. Then I get sexiled in a bathroom.

RYAN

Maybe if we made a big noise they’d realize we were / here and

ALICE

We could leave! Yeah, okay let’s do it.

RYAN

Cool.

ALICE

O-kay!!

RYAN

Heh – when we come out together they’ll probably think we were doing it in here.

ALICE

In the bathroom?

RYAN

You’ve never had sex in a bathroom?

 

Beat.

ALICE

What kind of noise should we make?

RYAN

Uh… We could jump? On three?

ALICE

Sure.

RYAN

Okay.

One, two, three!

 

They jump. Thud.

Silence.

They wait.

RYAN

(whispering)

What now?

 

They go to the door to listen. They don’t really both fit, but they try.

ALICE

I can’t hear anything.

RYAN

Me neither.

ALICE

I suppose one of us should check to see if they stopped.

…

RYAN

…

ALICE

Could you?

RYAN

Oh. Right. Okay.

 

He cracks the door as little as possible.

RYAN

Question: Does your roommate keep her condoms in here or somewhere out there?

ALICE

I don’t know!

 

Baby pause.

Alice and Ryan search the bathroom drawers.

ALICE

Nothing.

 

Ryan unearths a pair of rhinestone pasties.

RYAN

Why do you keep fancy stickers in the bathroom?

ALICE

Oh my God.

RYAN

What?

ALICE

Oh my GOD. Those aren’t stickers!

RYAN

What then!

ALICE

They’re context clues.

RYAN

What? Oh!! Shit!

ALICE

They’re pasties.

RYAN

Oh.

What’s a pasty?

ALICE

Girls use them to cover their nipples when they’re naked.

RYAN

Aahh! Gross!

 

Ryan tries to throw them down, but they stick to his hands.

ALICE

Perfect. I officially live with a stripper.

RYAN

Bleh! I don’t wanna get some stripper nipple rash!

ALICE

You’ll be fine.

RYAN

Can herpes be transferred through nipples?

ALICE

No! Calm down.

RYAN

Fuck these things!

 

He finally gets them off his hands.

RYAN (CONT.)

Ha! Fuck you, pasties!

ALICE

Did you find her condoms or not?

RYAN

…

ALICE

Fuuuuck.

RYAN

You’ll be okay?

ALICE

Yeah. I’ll just…

I’m conquering my fears!

 

They settle in.

A long silence.

Alice starts breathing.

RYAN

Um…

ALICE

I think talking helped. Earlier.

RYAN

Okay. Uhh…

What…

How…

…

Ask me a question.

ALICE

Isn’t it weird how when two people – a guy and a girl – are in a room together alone there’s just the possibility of sex, like, inherently? Like, that’s all you need?

RYAN

Uhhh- I-

ALICE

Oh no no no this has nothing to do with you, it’s like a larger observation. So the topic, meaning sex, has to be breached in a way / of asserting–

RYAN

I think you mean broached.

ALICE

What?

RYAN

Topics aren’t breached, they’re broached. Contracts are breached. And trust. And premises.

ALICE

Okay. Whatever. So the topic has to be broached in a way of saying that sex is not going to happen? Like, until you say it’s not going to happen it’s silently out there as a possibility, which I think is really fucked up when you think about consent issues and gender issues and like, if another woman were trapped in here with me she would not have to bring up sex as a way of saying we’re not going to do it like you did earlier.

RYAN

Wait, when?

ALICE

Your joke about us coming out of the bathroom and them thinking we were in here having sex.

RYAN

That’s not why I said that. To reinforce or challenge gender stereotypes–. Wait what was the question?

ALICE

Nevermind.

 

Pause

ALICE (CONT.)

What are your hopes and dreams?!

RYAN

What?

ALICE

I’m changing my question: What are your hopes and dreams?

RYAN

That’s a “go big or go home” kind of question.

ALICE

I need the distraction.

RYAN

Can we start with something easier? Not hopes and dreams, or gender politics, or… world peace?

ALICE

Fine. We established I’m 19…

 RYAN

ALICE

Cool. Are you from here?

RYAN

No. I’m just visiting. I don’t live here.

ALICE

Me neither! Well, for the summer but…

RYAN

I live in San Francisco.

ALICE

Ugh, that’s so cool. I’m going to open a restaurant there one day!

RYAN

Really?

ALICE

Mhmm. My hopes and dreams.

RYAN

That’s pretty awesome.

ALICE

Thanks.

So if you live in San Francisco what are you doing here?

RYAN

Oh. Uh. Just hanging out.

ALICE

With your cousin?

RYAN

Right.

ALICE

How long are you staying?

RYAN

Oh. I don’t know. Until…

…

ALICE

Until…?

RYAN

Until I’m done…hanging.

ALICE

Cool.

RYAN

Yeah.

Until.

Yeah.

…

What kind of food do you cook?

ALICE

…?

French.

RYAN

Why French?

ALICE

It’s classic. Coq au vin, confit de canard…

 

RYAN

All those stinky cheeses?

ALICE

Mmm. Camembert!

RYAN

And frog legs?

ALICE

Oh yeah. Frog legs are the best.

RYAN

I think they’re pretty gross.

ALICE

Well you haven’t had them the way I prepare them.

RYAN

That’s true.

ALICE

Maybe they’d broaden your horizons.

RYAN

Maybe.

 

A long silence.

ALICE

Sorry our place is kind of a shit hole.

RYAN

Oh, no. It’s nice.

ALICE

No, it’s a shit hole.

RYAN

Hey, you’ve got…

 

Ryan looks around trying to find something to compliment. It’s hard.

RYAN (CONT.)

A toothbrush holder! People who live in shit holes are definitely edge-of-the-sink types when it comes to their toothbrushes.

ALICE

Thanks. I couldn’t afford a place actually in Louisville.

RYAN

Sure.

ALICE

Hence the shit hole. At least the commute’s not that bad.

 

RYAN

Yeah – you just have the crazy roommate who has sex on a couch you’ll spend the rest of the summer avoiding.

ALICE

I don’t know how long I can avoid someone I live with.

RYAN

I meant the couch.

 

Alice gets it.

ALICE

Oh, ha.

It’ll all be worth it though, for this restaurant. The executive chef is totally insane but he’s supposed to be this like, genius with Asian fusion.

RYAN

Cool. So. Gone out much yet?

ALICE

No. Not yet.

RYAN

You don’t know anyone here?

ALICE

No. Why? Are you gonna murder me in my own bathroom and flush the evidence down the toilet before my roommate comes up for air from your neck tattoo cousin?

RYAN

What?! No!

That’s really fucked up.

ALICE

No I don’t know anyone here. I mean, there’s the people at the restaurant but, I haven’t gotten like, in, with them yet.

 

RYAN

Oh, right.

ALICE

So when Kristina was like, “We’re having a party, buy chips,” I didn’t fight her on it. I bought the chips. Three kinds.

RYAN

But you didn’t meet anyone?

ALICE

No, it’s so awkward now, like, when you’re not seven, trying to make friends.

RYAN

Definitely.

ALICE

I miss when two kids could sit drinking juice boxes and as long as one didn’t pull the other’s hair that meant they were friends.

RYAN

Or Dunkaroos. Remember Dunkaroos?

ALICE

Uh, YES. Dunkaroos were THE SHIT. I had them in my lunch every day.

RYAN

Seven year old me would have been jealous.

ALICE

Seven year old me wouldn’t have cared. Dunkaroos are too good to share.

RYAN

Damn!

ALICE

I’m not sorry.

RYAN

Maybe if you guys had had juice boxes here.

ALICE

Ha, maybe.

I thought one guy was being really nice, but then I caught him checking out my boobs like four times!

RYAN

Yikes.

 

Ryan is reminded to check out her boobs.

ALICE

I know! It’s like, how am I just expected to carry on the conversation about your engineering internship while pretending you’re not currently picturing me naked!?

RYAN

Engineering internship? Shit that sounds boring.

ALICE

Yeah. He was probably too nice for me anyway. Or too like, like he’d celebrate the one month anniversary of us being friends by posting some inspirational quote about friendship to my Facebook wall.

RYAN

God that sounds terrible.

ALICE

Yeah.

RYAN

I bet you only date musicians.

ALICE

What?!

RYAN

I bet you do.

ALICE

You’re wrong!

RYAN

You seem the type.

ALICE

I’m not a type, I’m a person! Fuck you!

RYAN

You haven’t dated a slew of musicians?

ALICE

…

No.

RYAN

Mmmkay.

ALICE

I bet you only date beer commercial girls. You seem the type.

RYAN

I don’t even know what that means.

ALICE

You know, those girls that are like gorgeous and can rattle off stats about quarterbacks and linebacks and half…backs? Are they all backs? What are they in back of?

RYAN

You’re forgetting safeties, ends, receivers – and football positions actually come from rugby where players were either forwards or backs – in reference to their relation to the main line – and you’re wrong.

ALICE

Yeah, I get it.

RYAN

No. I don’t date beer commercial girls.

ALICE

Oh.

RYAN

I don’t date anybody.

ALICE

Oh. Why not?

RYAN

It’s hard.

ALICE

Dating is difficult for everyone.

RYAN

It feels more difficult for me.

ALICE

Well. I never would have guessed.

RYAN

Thanks.

ALICE

I mean. You’re a fairly attractive person and you just never guess that attractive people are virgins.

RYAN

Wait wait whoa I’m not a virgin!

ALICE

Oh.

RYAN

Not even close.

ALICE

“Not even close?”

RYAN

I’ve had sex with plenty of — with an appropriate number of women.

ALICE

Oh, well, good for you then?

RYAN

Like good sex. To completion.

ALICE

Stop! Gross!! I do not want to hear about your sex life.

RYAN

You brought it up!

ALICE

No I — I did, didn’t I?

RYAN

You called me a virgin.

ALICE

Right.

RYAN

Not that there’s anything wrong with being a virgin.

ALICE

Right!

RYAN

It’s just that I’m not one because I’ve had sex with women.

ALICE

Right.

RYAN

Are you…?

ALICE

No!

RYAN

Not that that would be–

ALICE

I’m not a virgin.

RYAN

Okay.

ALICE

I’m actually very good!

RYAN

I’m very good!

ALICE

Good!

…

RYAN

…?

 

Silence.

RYAN (CONT.)

I did date one girl, once.

ALICE

Yeah?

RYAN

Yeah. In middle school if that counts.

ALICE

It can count.

RYAN

Cool.

ALICE

What was her name?

RYAN

Jennifer Lawrence.

ALICE

Bahahahahaha!

RYAN

No really Jennifer Lawrence.

ALICE

She had the same name as Jennifer Lawrence?

RYAN

No, I dated Jennifer Lawrence. In middle school. At camp.

ALICE

Haha, no. Fuck that.

RYAN

Yeah. She’s from here. Louisville. For like three summers in a row my parents sent me to live here with my aunt and uncle, and one summer my aunt sent us to Camp Kentuckiana.

ALICE

You’re not kidding.

RYAN

When Jeremy gets out from under your roommate you can ask him. He was there!

ALICE

Oh my God. This is really weird.

RYAN

(bragging)

Not to brag but at the end of the week, we uh, we kissed.

ALICE

You kissed J-Law?!?!

RYAN

She wasn’t J-Law, she was Jenn my camp girlfriend. She was actually kind of mean.

ALICE

This is so weird. Like actually fucking insane.

RYAN

Yeah, I guess.

ALICE

She has an Oscar!

RYAN

Yeah.

ALICE

You’ve dated an Oscar winner!

RYAN

Yeah!

ALICE

Well, not really dated right? It was a week at camp in middle school.

RYAN

Hey! You said it could count! No take backs!

ALICE

Fine, fine, you’re right.

RYAN

Thank you.

ALICE

Do you still like, talk to her?

RYAN

No! It was one week when we were 14. I doubt she even remembers.

ALICE

What if she does? What if you’re like, meant to be and every year she’s hoping that fat kid from camp gets in contact with her?

RYAN

Fat kid?

ALICE

I always picture kids at camp being fat.

RYAN

That’s really fucking weird.

ALICE

Like, with their baby fat!

RYAN

Still really weird.

ALICE

Whatever! What if Jennifer Lawrence is hoping the average-sized kid from camp gets in contact with her!

RYAN

I highly doubt that’s the case.

ALICE

But what if it was?

RYAN

It’s not. Trust me.

ALICE

But you never know!

RYAN

I don’t think she’s pining over some chubby 14 year old she cheated on!!

Beat.

ALICE

Oh.

RYAN

Yeah.

ALICE

So you were fat.

RYAN

That’s not– that’s not the fucking point!!

ALICE

I know! Chill!

RYAN

No. I don’t want to “chill.” It was awful.

ALICE

Are you actually complaining about your middle school relationship with Jennifer Lawrence?

RYAN

Yes!

ALICE

That’s your dark relationship past?

RYAN

The whole camp knew. The whole camp knew and no one told me. They just laughed.

ALICE

They laughed at the fat kid?

RYAN

Whatever. Nevermind.

ALICE

No, hey, I’m sorry. This is all just a lot to take in. I won’t laugh. Go ahead.

RYAN

It was the final bonfire on the last night of camp. We said we’d meet there at 7. I put on my best bucket hat and got there just as they opened the marshmallows.

After being distracted by the prospect of smores, I saw her. Sitting on a log. With fucking TIMMY ANDREWS!

ALICE

No!

RYAN

And she just kissed him! In front of everyone! And I got so mad that I threw the squirrel in the bonfire!

ALICE

You threw a squirrel in the bonfire?!?!

RYAN

Not a squirrel.

I had made her a little squirrel figurine out of pine cones in Arts and Crafts.

ALICE

Oh. Sure.

RYAN

And I threw it in the bonfire and everyone laughed.

ALICE

That really does suck.

RYAN

I don’t get cheating. I mean, if you want to be with someone else, fine. Just tell the person first so you aren’t lying.

ALICE

Right.

RYAN

And fucking Timmy Andrews! He knew she was my camp girlfriend! And he just— betrayed me!

ALICE

Fucking Timmy Andrews.

RYAN

I mean, we were Kentuckiana Forest Buddies together!

ALICE

Oh no!

RYAN

I could never do that, you know? I could never betray a Forest Buddy.

ALICE

Yeah.

RYAN

But really, it was her. She’s responsible. You just gotta be up front about these things, you know?

ALICE

Yes.

 

Beat.

ALICE (CONT.)

Yeah. Like. Just be up front. Like, maybe to avoid cheating and awkwardness and stuff people should have to go around with signs on them that say their relationship status like, “I have a boyfriend!”

RYAN

Exactly!!

 

Alice mimes the sign for herself.

ALICE (CONT.)

I have a boyfriend.

 

Beat.

RYAN

Cool. Didn’t ask. But cool.

 

Alice is temporarily mortified. Ryan gets antsy.

RYAN

Are they still going at it out there?

ALICE

I don’t know. Probably.

RYAN

I guess she’s giving him the full package.

ALICE

Hey, she’s a stripper, not a hooker.

RYAN

Better not be, Jeremy doesn’t have any money.

ALICE

Still. There’s a difference.

RYAN

Yeah, but they’re both people. Hookers are people too.

ALICE

Well yeah, all people are people.

RYAN

Right.

ALICE

Exactly.

RYAN

No, I don’t think you get what I mean.

ALICE

No, I do.

RYAN

I don’t think so.

 

Ryan might head for the door.

ALICE

“I really wish I had some weed.”

RYAN

…

ALICE (CONT.)

Or a juice box?

RYAN

…

I think your Post It notes on the mirror are stupid.

ALICE

Okay.

RYAN

And your party was kind of lame.

ALICE

I know.

RYAN

There were maybe 8 people here.

ALICE

I know.

RYAN

Was your boyfriend here?

ALICE

No.

RYAN

Why not?

ALICE

He’s a boyfriend from school.

RYAN

Oh.

ALICE

He was supposed to come with me this summer but his plans changed. To Maine.

RYAN

He left you?

ALICE

He didn’t like leave me. He went to Maine.

RYAN

And you were okay with that?

ALICE

No, actually.

RYAN

But you’re doing long distance? That sucks.

ALICE

We’re not doing long distance.

RYAN

So, he’s your ex-boyfriend?

ALICE

No. But it’s not long distance. Not really, when you think about it.

He thinks about it.

RYAN

Oh yeah. Now that I’ve thought about it it’s still long distance because words still mean what words mean.

ALICE

You are so simple minded.

RYAN

Oh, are you…is your arrangement open, or…?

ALICE

No.

RYAN

Then it’s closed.

ALICE

Yeah, I suppose. Yeah.

RYAN

And you’re in different places?

ALICE

Yeah.

RYAN

That’s a long distance relationship.

ALICE

No you don’t get it. We’re not long distance, we’re pre-local.

RYAN

Pre-local?

ALICE

Yeah, pre-local.

RYAN

That is the stupidest piece of shit I’ve ever heard.

ALICE

Oookay.

RYAN

No really. Of all the shit I’ve heard that one is just tops.

ALICE

You’re making it sound—

RYAN

Juvenile?

ALICE

Exactly.

RYAN

You are a teenager.

ALICE

Ugh, don’t say teenager like that.

RYAN

Like what?

ALICE

Like I own a One Direction poster.

RYAN

But it’s what you are.

ALICE

Only technically. And not for long.

RYAN

Okay?

ALICE

I mean, I’ve been in bars before.

RYAN

Oh, you’ve been in bars before!

 

Beat.

RYAN

So what is the very mature reason why your relationship isn’t long distance?

ALICE

We talked about it and we plan to be together for a while, so really this is just a tiny bit of time that we’re not in the same place before we are in the same place for an extended period of time. Pre-local.

RYAN

Uh-huh…

ALICE

Whatever, it’s long distance.

RYAN

Ah – ha!

ALICE

Technically. Technically it’s long distance.

RYAN

Technically. Like your teenagerism. Teenagerdom? Teenagerism?

ALICE

Yeah, I guess. Technical, but temporary.

RYAN

I was still right!

ALICE

Things change.

RYAN

They certainly do.

ALICE

All the time.

RYAN

They change to Maine, apparently!

ALICE

Yeah.

RYAN

Why?

ALICE

Oh. He decided to Bon Iver himself.

RYAN

Bon Iver?

ALICE

The singer? With the beard and the soft hipster songs?

RYAN

No, I know who Bon Iver is, but, as a verb? To Bon Iver?

ALICE

He shut himself in a cabin in the woods cut off from all civilization.

RYAN

I think that’s Henry David Thoreau-ing.

ALICE

That’s what I told him!!

RYAN

Gotta pay respect to the original!

ALICE

Exactly! But he said, no – when Bon Iver is lacking inspiration he shuts himself in a cabin in the woods and comes out with these amazing songs and that’s what he needed to do now for his music.

Beat.

RYAN

Ha!! – I fucking called it!! He’s a fucking musician!!

ALICE

Shit.

RYAN

He had to do it for his music. Ugh, he sounds like the worst!

ALICE

He’s not the worst.

RYAN

He’s probably one of those guys who when he gets to a party he stages a violent coup of the stereo thinking his musical taste is far superior and he’s like, God’s gift to the party.

ALICE

Please don’t mock him.

RYAN

And he chose Maine.

ALICE

He’s dedicated. So am I. That’s why I chose Louisville and the restaurant.

RYAN

How’s he like Maine?

ALICE

I don’t know.

RYAN

What does he say about it?

ALICE

Nothing.

RYAN

So when he calls you he just says nothing about being in Maine?

ALICE

He doesn’t call – he has to be cut off from all civilization, remember?

RYAN

You guys don’t talk?

ALICE

We’ll talk when he gets back.

RYAN

How can you be in a relationship without talking to the other person?

ALICE

We know what we mean to each other.

RYAN

You’re not in a relationship with him, you’re in a relationship with the memory of him.

ALICE

That’s a terrible thing to say.

RYAN

Not as terrible as up and leaving you.

ALICE

He didn’t like, leave me.

RYAN

He left you. He’s in Maine!

ALICE

Just for the summer!

RYAN

He’s such an asshole. You know, when they leave you – assholes – for any amount of time – they don’t really love you.

ALICE

Whoa. Where the fuck do you get off telling me who does and does not love me?

RYAN

I’m trying to help.

ALICE

Um, HOW? You’ve never been in a relationship, except for with Jennifer Fucking Lawrence when you were fourteen and fat!

 

Alice climbs in the bathtub and aggressively slides the shower curtain closed.

Silence.

RYAN

Boyfriends aren’t the only ones who can leave.

 

Beat.

ALICE

What does that mean?

RYAN

Forget it.

ALICE

If this ends with you telling me some childhood tale about your puppy running away I’m going to be so fucking pissed.

RYAN

My mom.

ALICE

So…not a puppy?

RYAN

We thought she’d show up at her sister’s. My aunt’s.

ALICE

…

Oh! Like, here?

RYAN

Yeah I’m just, I don’t know, waiting? To see if she does? It’s not a big deal. Gives me time to buy beer for my cousin with a fucking neck tattoo.

ALICE

Why’d she leave?

RYAN

I don’t know.

ALICE

Okay.

RYAN

My dad doesn’t like, hit her if that’s what / you’re thinking. He’d never.

ALICE

No, no, no I wasn’t thinking anything.

RYAN

Good.

ALICE

Maybe she has Holocaust genes too. Not that I definitely have them, but.

RYAN

No. She makes her choices. She’s responsible.

ALICE

It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love / you

RYAN

You don’t have to say that. My mom’s just an asshole.

My mom’s an asshole, and your boyfriend’s an asshole. I just wanted you to know that I get what it’s like to have to deal with…assholes.

ALICE

He’s not an asshole.

RYAN

You can do better than an asshole.

 

Pause.

Alice opens the shower curtain.

ALICE

You know what I think it’s time for?

RYAN

What?

ALICE

A  “go big or go home” question.

RYAN

Ha, okay!

ALICE

I don’t want to talk about assholes anymore.

RYAN

Fine by me!

ALICE

So. What’s your number?

RYAN

My phone number?

ALICE

No! Your number. The number of people you’ve had sex with!

RYAN

Do you ever ask people what there favorite color is?

ALICE

Tell me about your conquests!!

RYAN

Mine is blue.

ALICE

Just how appropriate is your number?

RYAN

I don’t want to talk about other girls right now.

ALICE

Too bad. It’s your turn. I wanna hear about you gettin’ that D!

RYAN

What?

ALICE

Or, I guess in your case it would be gettin’ that V? Or P? Or C? Depending on your preferred word for lady bits.

RYAN

Now that I’ve heard you say ‘lady bits’ there’s no way I’m saying anything.

ALICE

Come on!!! How many have there been? Unless you really are a virgin…

RYAN

Eight and a half.

ALICE

Um…?

RYAN

You asked.

ALICE

So like, eight normal women and a midget?

RYAN

No!

ALICE

Eight normal women and a kid??

RYAN

No! No! You’re sick, you know that?

ALICE

Whatever. Explain.

RYAN

Fuck. I only count it as a whole if the woman also… you know?

ALICE

So you’ve had sex with nine women – presumably one night stands as the only girl you’ve dated was a fourteen year old Jennifer Lawrence…

RYAN

Correct.

ALICE

So you’ve had nine one night stands and you think eight of the nine came on the first try?

RYAN

Hey, no one bats a thousand.

ALICE

Statistically your number is about one and a half.

RYAN

I’m not a statistic.

ALICE

That’s what everyone says, but if everyone’s not a statistic then no one’s left to have taken the polls! Science!

RYAN

Well you don’t know.

ALICE

I do know – that’s how statistics work.

RYAN

No – you don’t know that I can only make one and a half girls out of nine come on the first try because you’re not one of the nine girls and you, therefore, are not eligible to partake in the poll. Science!

ALICE

I am at least a girl and I can tell you that there is no way you made eight out of nine girls come on the first try. This shit down here is complicated.

RYAN

It’s not that complicated.

ALICE

Don’t feel bad! It took me all of sophomore year to figure out myself!

RYAN

Tell me more about that.

ALICE

Gross.

RYAN

You can’t definitively say I haven’t figured it out! Because we haven’t had sex. And you’ll probably never know because it’s not like we’re about to have sex in a bathroom.

ALICE

Right. Because…gross.

RYAN

Does your boyfriend who abandoned you think bathroom sex is as gross as you do?

ALICE

Just because your mom legitimately abandoned you / doesn’t give you the right–

RYAN

Wow.

ALICE

–to project your shit on me.

RYAN

You’re right my mom’s an asshole!

ALICE

I would never call your mother an asshole.

RYAN

Why not? I do.

ALICE

What’s wrong with her?

RYAN

It’s fine. Forget about it.

ALICE

You keep bringing it up.

RYAN

You keep bringing up your boyfriend – what’s wrong with him?

ALICE

I only brought him up because you made me!

RYAN

I haven’t made you do anything.

ALICE

No that’s not what I meant.

RYAN

I haven’t made you do anything.

 

Silence.

ALICE

This place is a shit hole.

RYAN

It has its advantages.

ALICE

This tub is so small.

How am I supposed to shave my legs in here?

RYAN

I don’t know. I’ve never shaved my legs, obviously.

ALICE

Lucky. It’s the worst.

RYAN

Um, no. Shaving your chin is so much worse.

ALICE

Do you see the sheer area involved here?

 

Alice holds up a leg.

RYAN

I’m sorry, I have to take a stand. Girls always list how they have it shittier than guys and most of the time that’s true but this, this one’s ours.

ALICE

It’s yours?

RYAN

Try shaving a chin and not nicking yourself.

ALICE

Okay.

RYAN

What?

ALICE

Challenge accepted.

RYAN

You don’t want to shave your face.

ALICE

No, I’ll shave yours.

RYAN

Whoa, that is NOT what I meant.

ALICE

It’s gonna be so easy, you’ll be fine.

RYAN

No we have a lot of like, edges on our faces.

ALICE

I’ve been shaving my knees since I was thirteen and chins are basically the same. Stand up.

RYAN

This is really weird.

ALICE

Well I’m bored and this seems entertaining. Come on.

RYAN

If you cut me I’m gonna / be pissed.

ALICE

Look in my eyes.

 

He does.

ALICE (CONT.)

I’m not going to cut you.

RYAN

Fine.

 

Alice gets the shaving cream and a razor.

RYAN

But be really careful. I’ve found that if you move with the rocking motion of the razor–

 

Alice smears his face and mouth with shaving cream.

ALICE

Shh.

 

She starts shaving his face.

RYAN

Mmm Mmm-MMmmm!!

ALICE

Stop moving your mouth! If you move and I cut you it’s your own damn fault.

 

She shaves his face, gaining confidence until almost all of the shaving cream is gone.

ALICE

Oookay…

Alice grabs a hand towel and wipes off his face.

ALICE (CONT.)

Ta-da! Kind of…

RYAN

What? Is it fucked?

 

Ryan looks in the mirror.

ALICE

No, I think I just missed this neck-beardy part down here. Do you want me to get it?

RYAN

No. Now it’s my turn. To do your legs.

ALICE

What? That’s gross. It’s like, my leg hair.

RYAN

I don’t think it’s gross. You shaved my face, now I get to shave your legs.

ALICE

Legs are different.

RYAN

Yeah, they’re easier.

ALICE

This is weird.

RYAN

I’m bored and this seems entertaining.

 

Beat.

ALICE

Fine. I guess that’s… fair.

RYAN

Take off your shoe.

 

She obeys.

Alice grabs the shaving cream to put on her leg.

RYAN

I’ll do it.

 

Ryan lathers the shaving cream on her leg. He starts to shave really slowly.

ALICE

You’re not–. That’s not shaving anything. You need to do it a little harder.

RYAN

Like this?

ALICE

Yeah.

 

He shaves her leg, pausing to wipe the razor on the hand towel.

No one says anything. Ryan just shaves. He gets more confident.

ALICE

That’s a little too hard.

RYAN

Sorry.

 

It gets really quiet. The razor moves up Alice’s thigh. Ryan hesitates.

He continues.

ALICE

Ow!

RYAN

Shit.

 

Ryan stops shaving.

ALICE

You nicked me.

RYAN

Where? I don’t see it.

ALICE

I felt it.

RYAN

Shit, I’m really sorry.

 

Ryan goes to the toilet paper, the roll unravels.

RYAN

Fuck! You pay for this, I know. Sorry.

ALICE

It’s fine, it’s fine.

RYAN

No, it’s your first, momentous roll and I’ve fucked it up again.

ALICE

I don’t care about the stupid toilet paper.

RYAN

Really?

ALICE

Really.

RYAN

Cause before it was like a thing.

ALICE

Do whatever you want with the toilet paper.

RYAN

Oh yeah?

 

Ryan wraps himself up like a mummy. He acts like a mummy, making scary noises.

RYAN (CONT.)

OooOooOoooo.

ALICE

…

Pause.

RYAN

Okay. I thought it would make you laugh. But you’re not laughing.

And now I feel like an idiot!

ALICE

You kind of look like a piece of shit. I mean, wrapped in toilet paper and all.

RYAN

Cool. I was going for mummy, but.

ALICE

Are you a piece of shit?

RYAN

I don’t think so.

I try not to be.

ALICE

Good.

 

Alice wipes off her leg. Ryan takes off the toilet paper.

Silence.

RYAN

Another question?

ALICE

Okay. Go big or go home?

RYAN

Go big or go home.

ALICE

Where do…

…

Why did your mom leave?

RYAN

Pass.

ALICE

Do you think she’ll show up?

RYAN

Pass.

ALICE

Has she left before?

RYAN

Why are you still with a guy who chose the woods over you?

 

Beat.

ALICE

Where do you see yourself in ten years?

RYAN

Uh…

I don’t know. You go first, you probably have a whole thing prepared.

ALICE

Oh I have absolutely no idea. It’s a dumb question.

RYAN

You asked it!

ALICE

Doesn’t make it less dumb!

RYAN

You’re the strangest person.

ALICE

I’ve trained myself to take comments like that as compliments.

RYAN

You’re not wrong to.

ALICE

Truth is I have no idea where I’ll be in ten years. The plan was always get to college, and then when I got there I realized I had no idea what I was doing anything for anymore. Like, in pursuit of.

RYAN

Oh. Shit.

ALICE

Yeah…

RYAN

Ok – uh – well you’ll be a college graduate.

ALICE

Yes. God willing.

RYAN

So you’ll probably have a steady job and a 401K and a mortgage.

ALICE

Ha – I’ll be lucky to have paid off my student loans.

RYAN

Oh, right. Yikes.

…

I know mine!

ALICE

What?

RYAN

I know mine now! What I’ll be doing in ten years.

ALICE

Great! What is it?

RYAN

Eating at your restaurant! In San Francisco!

ALICE

Whaaat?

RYAN

Yeah, I mean. I literally have no idea what I’m doing next week let alone in 10 years so. Yeah. Eating at your restaurant sounds pretty good to me.

ALICE

You don’t have to say—

RYAN

Hey, man! This is my ten year plan and I can do whatever I want. I want to be eating at your restaurant. There – I’m your first reservation.

ALICE

Okay then!

RYAN

I guess you’ll really have to do it now!

ALICE

Yeah. I guess I will!

RYAN

What would you make me? To eat?

ALICE

I don’t know.

RYAN

Yes you do, it’s your dream.

ALICE

Um… To start, I could make a provençal tarte with tomato and zucchini and aubergine. Kind of like a mini ratatouille.

RYAN

Like the Pixar movie?

ALICE

Yes. Like the Pixar movie. Except like, way better.

RYAN

Hey, I think Ratatouille is one of the more underrated Pixar movies! That ratatouille at the end made the evil critic guy feel something!

ALICE

Whatever, it’s not as good as the real thing sitting in front of you!

RYAN

I agree. What would you make for me next?

ALICE

Um… Oh! It has to be cuisses de grenouille.

RYAN

Cool! What is it?

ALICE

Sautéed frog legs!

RYAN

Ha! Right. To broaden my horizons.

ALICE

I promise they’ll change your life.

RYAN

Life changing frog legs?!

ALICE

Yes. I’m that good.

RYAN

I’m sure you are.

ALICE

I am.

RYAN

But I’m going to have to be drunk to eat frog legs. Wine?

ALICE

Of course there’ll be wine. You can’t eat French food without the wine!

RYAN

But none of those stinky cheeses.

ALICE

Oh, you’ll eat the stinky cheeses!

RYAN

Nooo!

ALICE

Epoisses de Bourgogne, affine au chablis, le pavin d’Auvergne…

RYAN

And for dessert? I like chocolate.

ALICE

How about a chocolate tarte tropézienne?

RYAN

What’s that?

ALICE

Giant cream puff.

RYAN

Say it again.

ALICE

Giant cream puff.

RYAN

No, in French!

ALICE

Tarte tropézienne.

RYAN

Again.

ALICE

Tarte tropézienne.

RYAN

Again.

ALICE

Tropézienne.

…!

RYAN

…!

 

Someone might be about to make a move.

RYAN

You’re really–

ALICE

I have to pee.

RYAN

Oh.

 

Pause.

ALICE

It’s just. I did originally come in here to pee before we were sexiled and it’s been like a while and so now it’s becoming like a more urgent matter.

RYAN

Oh. Yeah of course.

ALICE

Thanks.

RYAN

I’ll just brave myself for battle out there. A guy with a neck tattoo can’t hit too hard, right?

ALICE

I think they were probably done a while ago.

RYAN

Yeah.

ALICE

So.

RYAN

Well uh.

ALICE

Good luck with your mom. Whatever that situation is. Just. Good luck.

RYAN

Thanks.

ALICE

And good luck in other stuff too. Whatever other stuff comes up.

RYAN

Thanks. Good luck with your stripper roommate.

ALICE

Ha, thanks.

RYAN

So…

 

Ryan goes to the door. He pauses.

RYAN

Is this–? So I’ll just leave now.

 

He doesn’t.

ALICE

You can find me here. I don’t know how long you’ll be in town, waiting, you know…

RYAN

Yeah. Um, well she hasn’t shown up yet.

ALICE

Right. So, I don’t know a lot of people here and if you want, like, a friend?

RYAN

Right. A friend.

ALICE

I’d like that.

RYAN

I’ll bring juice boxes. Next time.

ALICE

Okay.

RYAN

I don’t think they still make Dunkaroos.

ALICE

I wouldn’t share them anyway!

RYAN

Right. Ha. Well. I’ll let you–

ALICE

Thanks.

RYAN

I was just going to say– Earlier. I was just going to say you’re really nice.

ALICE

Thanks.

RYAN

So I’ll see you soon.

ALICE

See you soon.

RYAN

Good. Well. Wish me luck!

 

Ryan looks at the door and makes like he’s braving himself for battle.

Alice laughs.

ALICE

Good luck.

 

Ryan’s gone. Alice is left alone.

Suddenly, Ryan is back.

RYAN

We never…

ALICE

Yeah?!

 

Ryan steps forward and holds out his hand.

RYAN

I’m Ryan.

ALICE

Oh. Alice.

 

They exchange awkward laughs and a handshake that lasts a beat too long.

RYAN

Bye.

 

Ryan goes. Alice is left alone.

She doesn’t pee.

 

Blackout.

 

End of Play.