Lights up:

One-Armed-Kenny sits in his window-less panel van, drumming the fingers of his one good hand on the steering wheel.

An unlit cigarette hangs from his lips.

Leonard approaches.

Kenny steps out of the panel van, the cigarette still hanging from his lips.

 

KENNY

You’d be Leonard?

LEONARD

Kenny?

KENNY

That’s right.

LEONARD

Sorry about the whole meeting in a public place thing, but I’ve been lied to and scammed on Craigslist so many times–

KENNY

Oh, this is no scam, Leonard.

LEONARD

So, you’re telling me you have indisputable evidence—‘cause

A thundering noise, sad and terrifying, erupts from the back of the panel van.

KENNY

Jehovah! Hush!

Kenny kicks the door of the panel van.

LEONARD

The God of the Old Testament is in your panel van?

KENNY

How’s that for indisputable?

LEONARD

Can I look?

KENNY

Well, historically, that hasn’t worked out so well, but–

Leonard looks.

LEONARD

Oh my God. He’s beautiful.

KENNY

Yeah, I found him in the Rainier Mountains just East of Spokane, Washington. I was walking around, smoking a doober, and there he was, humped over a log, taking the most impressive shit I have ever seen in my life, and I confess, Leonard, all I could see were the dollars signs, so, I shot him in the face with a tranq gun and hauled his ass home.

LeONARD

This van smells like raw meat.

KENNY

Yeah, well, it’s kind of like his kennel.

LEONARD

I’m sorry, did you say: kennel?

KENNY

Yeah, I mean, we got along great at first. We were always hanging out, drinking beer, and he’d do this thing where he’d fart, and after he farted, he’d waft it up so he could smell his own flavor, but after about a year things went bad. Fast.

LEONARD

What?

KENNY

See, I was always out partying and sleeping with a lot of strange women–prostitutes–and I think he got a little upset that we weren’t spending as much time together as we used to, so he started punching out the walls in my house, and then he set fire to my wife’s antique doll collection, but the final straw was when he broke into my gun safe and shot holes through my JBL surround sound. So, I put his ass in the van.

LEONARD

You taught God how to use a gun?

KENNY

Not that he needed one. But, yeah.

LEONARD

You’re a terrible person.

KENNY

Excuse me?

LEONARD

I said: you are a terrible person and you don’t deserve–

KENNY

Hey: the only difference between you and me, Leonard, is that I can actually admit to being greedy and an asshole, as while you on the other hand, all you wanna do is judge, but really–

LEONARD

All I want is to talk to him, to ask questions.

KENNY

Oh, you think I didn’t try that?

LEONARD

When? Between prostitutes?

KENNY

Hey: I asked him all sorts of shit, all right, mostly about why he saw fit to take my left arm from me in a freak jet-ski accident when I was seven years old, but he never answered, Leonard, and he never does, ’cause he hates questions, ‘cause–

LEONARD

Well, you know, maybe you’re just…not asking him right.

KENNY

Fine. You try it. Ask him a question and see what happens.

LEONARD

I will.

KENNY

Ask him something right now and see what happens. See if he doesn’t get pissed off and start breaking shit, see what he–

LEONARD

God–

KENNY

He prefers Jehovah, Leonard.

LEONARD

Jehovah, why, when I was twelve years old at the McLean Middle School Winter Wonderland Dance, did you see fit to let Ms. Bachman corner me in the boy’s room and proceed to–

Loud banging, accompanied by very, very angry and terrifying noises, erupts from the back of the panel van.

KENNY

What’d I tell you, what did I fucking tell you, he does not–

LEONARD

Yeah, well, once he gets to know me a little better–

KENNY

And for the record, I don’t see why you’re so upset about accidentally getting some when you were in middle school.

LEONARD

She was older than my grandmother.

KENNY

Well, Leonard, in my book, pussy is pussy–age, size, color–I mean as long as she consents–and it sounds like she did–

LEONARD

(taking out his wallet)

You know what? Here. Just take the money.

KENNY

Excuse me?

LEONARD

Take the money, I mean: that’s all you care about, right, you said so yourself, so just take the money and leave us alone.

Beat

KENNY

Well, you know what? Maybe I don’t feel like selling anymore.

LEONARD

No, we agreed on a fair price and you’re going to honor that.

KENNY

Hey: don’t you tell me what I will or will not–

LEONARD

Yeah, well, I’m telling you right now, you fucking redneck.

KENNY

Leonard, you ought not start shit with people you don’t know.

LEONARD

I will kick the shit out of you, you one-armed, piece of–

KENNY

Well, come on, Leonard, come on with it, give me what you got, ’cause I’ll knock your dick in the dirt, I’ll lay the ace of spades and the five of clubs on your ass and let’s see what–

Enya’s “Orinoco Flow” begins to play, slowly getting louder and louder and louder throughout the following lines.

LEONARD

Oh my God…

KENNY

Yeah, that’s not good.

LEONARD

It’s beautiful.

Leonard approaches the panel van.

KENNY

Leonard, all our differences and your insults aside, I would highly advise you to keep your distance, ’cause you don’t know him like I do and you have no idea what he is capable of, so–

Leonard opens door of the panel van.

LEONARD

I think he likes me.

KENNY

Leonard: he doesn’t like anyone.

Leonard gets in the panel van.

LEONARD

No, it’s like the music is his way of saying he understands me, and that he wants to talk to me, just me, and him, and–

KENNY

Leonard, I’m telling you, for your own safety: remain calm and very, very, slowly back yourself out of the van before–

LEONARD

Oh. My. God.

KENNY

Leonard–

Leonard is ripped over the back seat, thundering noises and screams, belonging to Leonard, ensue, subside.

Kenny gets back in the driver’s seat, lights a cigarette, turns off the radio, looks to the rearview mirror.

KENNY

I had that under control, just so you know.

Loud, thundering mocking noise.

KENNY

Yeah, I know, and, the Good Lord taketh away. Okay. Now, we gotta meet some dipshit named Stephen in the Baskin-Robbins parking lot in thirty minutes, and I’m all for doing your work, Lord, really, I am but I swear: if you play Enya one more time I will straight up drop your ass like a bad habit.

Lights down.

End of Play.