A Ten-Minute Comedy

Characters
Nic, Any Age or Gender
Olive, 40’s – 70’s, Female

Setting: The Audience, Right Before the Curtain Goes Up

 

“I pray you.”

~ William Shakespeare

 

(A theater. NIC is seated in the audience. OLIVE approaches NIC.
OLIVE seems hesitant. She looks around, and then –cautiously– sits
next to NIC. NIC notices her. They smile at her. OLIVE smiles back, but
it’s a weary smile. NIC goes back to looking at their program. A moment
passes. OLIVE can’t take it anymore.)

OLIVE
Is this part of the play?

(A beat. NIC turns to OLIVE.)

NIC
I’m sorry?

OLIVE
This. Is this part of the play?

(A moment.)

NIC
I don’t…understand the question?

OLIVE
Oh. Sorry. I get so nervous these days.

NIC
Nervous about what?

OLIVE
Well, theater is so different now. You go to see a play and they want you to walk through a maze or watch somebody make risotto, and then you have to eat the risotto, and it’s not seasoned properly. It used to be, you would walk in, take your seat, watch a play, and go home. Now, they want you to be afraid all the time.

NIC
Oh, you mean like immersive theater?

OLIVE
No, I’m talking about when the theater is all around you.

NIC
That’s–Right.

OLIVE
I like to ask ahead of time so I know what I’m getting myself into, but I forgot to call the box office, so now I’m nervous.

NIC
This isn’t immersive. It’s just a touring production of The Tempest.

OLIVE
Do you think they’ll come into the audience?

NIC
Uh. I’m not sure.

OLIVE
One time they came into the audience. They grabbed the woman next to me. Brought her up onstage. Never brought her back down.

NIC
She was probably a plant.

OLIVE
No, she was human. She had a bracelet on.

NIC
I mean, she was probably a part of the show.

OLIVE
She was when they brought her up onstage. They made her put on a clown nose and do jumping jacks. I would have died. Can you imagine? Jumping jacks? In front of other people? I’d sooner make love to my husband in front of his golfing buddies. Do you have any idea what I look like jumping up and down? I’ll spare you the image.

(A beat.)

NIC
That sounds–Yeah.

OLIVE
So I hope this is just a nice show without any of that nonsense.

NIC
I think it will be. These people are British. They never do anything fun.

OLIVE
British Shakespeare. God, I hope I can understand it.

NIC
You’ll be fine.

OLIVE
I wonder why they didn’t do the American version.

NIC
Well, it’s–a mystery, I guess.

OLIVE
My cousin John was in a Shakespeare play once. The one about the witch? The witches?

NIC
Oh, you mean–

OLIVE
Hamlet.

NIC
There aren’t any witches in Hamlet.

OLIVE
No, the mother was a witch.

NIC
Are you speaking figuratively or–?

OLIVE
No, she had on a long, black dress.

(A beat.)

That means she’s a witch.

NIC
Well, that’s–open to interpretation, I guess.

OLIVE
My cousin played the guy in the hole.

NIC
You mean the Gravedigger?

OLIVE
Yes.

NIC
Gotcha.

OLIVE
They couldn’t afford a real hole, because it was a small theater, so they painted a hole on the back wall and he stood in front of it.

NIC
Very creative.

OLIVE
Amazing how these people’s minds work. I never think of things like that.

NIC
Well, how often do you need to communicate to someone that you’re in a hole?

OLIVE
I’m never in a hole. I don’t like being underground.

NIC
Understandable.

OLIVE
I had a bad experience with a submarine once.

NIC
That sounds–Okay.

OLIVE
I’m Olive.

NIC
Nic.

OLIVE
You always come to the theater alone?

NIC
I prefer it, actually.

OLIVE
Why is that?

NIC
Because then you don’t have to talk to anybody.

(OLIVE laughs.)

OLIVE
You’re absolutely right. That’s why I don’t bring my husband.

NIC
How long have you been married?

OLIVE
Too long.

NIC
Well.

(A beat.)

OLIVE
You’re sure this isn’t part of the play?

NIC
I’m sure.

OLIVE
Because if you’re an actor, you’re very good.

NIC
I’m not an actor.

OLIVE
I respect what actors do. The arts are important.

NIC
Yes, they are, but–

OLIVE
You know what I bought my daughter in third grade? A ukulele.

(A beat.)

It’s good for kids.

NIC
Ukuleles?

OLIVE
Music.

NIC
Well. Yes.

OLIVE
She had no talent for it. Poor thing. She tried though.

NIC
That’s what’s important.

OLIVE
Is there music in this?

NIC
The play?

OLIVE
Yeah.

NIC
There probably will be. It’s Shakespeare, so–

OLIVE
They’re always putting music in plays where there isn’t supposed to be music. I don’t mind musicals, but if I’m seeing a play, I’m seeing a play. If I want to see a musical, I’ll see a musical. Most of these plays are long enough without anything extra.

NIC
That’s–Yeah.

(A beat.)

OLIVE
Listen, if you’re in the play–

NIC
Olive.

OLIVE
–I don’t mind, but just please don’t bring me up onstage. My eye shadow is a mess today. I’ll be mortified.

NIC
I’m not in the play.

OLIVE
But it’s fine if you are. I know if you are, you can’t say you are. It’s like the FBI, right? You have to keep it a secret.

NIC
I’m not in the play.

OLIVE
I’m very good at keeping secrets. My sister has been sleeping around on my brother-in-law for years, and I’ve never told a soul.

NIC
Good for you.

OLIVE
So if you’re in the play–

NIC
I’m not the play.

OLIVE
I’m just saying, if you are, it’ll be between you and me.

NIC
I–Thank you. I appreciate that.

(A beat. BOTH look at their programs.)

OLIVE
I just don’t know how you learn all those lines.

NIC
I don’t have any lines.

OLIVE
So it’s not a speaking part?

NIC
No, I–

OLIVE
I’m sure you were very good at the audition, and they just had a lot of people to choose from.

NIC
I never auditioned.

OLIVE
Sleeping with the director, huh? Just like my sister.

NIC
I’m not an actor.

OLIVE
You’re right. I’m sorry. A thespian.

NIC
I promise you, Olive, I am not in the play.

OLIVE
But if you were in the play, that’s exactly what you would say.

NIC
At this point, I think I would just confess. You’ve a very good interrogator.

OLIVE
It’s from all those years I spent in the BBC.

NIC
You mean MI6?

OLIVE
Who told you about M16?

NIC
You don’t even have a British accent.

OLIVE
I don’t believe in accents.

NIC
That’s–fine.

OLIVE
You know who uses accents?

NIC/OLIVE
Your sister? / My sister.

OLIVE
She talks like a Southern debutante. The woman’s never been below the Mason Dixon line. A total phony.

NIC
Maybe she’s been an actress this whole time?

(A moment.)

OLIVE
You know what? I never thought of that.

NIC
I was just–

OLIVE
That would make sense. These plays they do now? They go on and on. I wouldn’t be surprised if my whole life was a play.

NIC
Like The Truman Show?

OLIVE
Or Kennedy. Or Roosevelt. I wouldn’t say it’s just like Truman.

NIC
You–

OLIVE
But politics is theater, yes, that’s very astute of you to say.

NIC
We should probably focus on the show.

OLIVE
It hasn’t started yet.

NIC
No, but–

OLIVE
Or has it started? Is that what you’re trying to communicate to me?

NIC
No, I’m really just trying to, uh, end the conversation.

OLIVE
Trying to get in the right headspace before you do one of your little monologues, huh?

NIC
Sure, if that’s what you want to–Sure.

OLIVE
I get the same way right before I do yoga.

NIC
Great. So you understand?

OLIVE
I understand completely.

(The LIGHTS start to dim.)

I hope it’s not too long. Do you know how long it is?

NIC
I don’t.

OLIVE
Does it say in the program?

NIC
No, it–

OLIVE
I think the runtime is right under–

(OLIVE stands up.)

My name!

NIC
What–is happening?

OLIVE
(With a British accent.)
You have entered the world of the play, dear audience member!

NIC
Oh god, no.

OLIVE
Please–

NIC
No.

OLIVE
If you would–

NIC
No, no, no.

OLIVE
Join me onstage!

(SOUND OF AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.)

NIC
I should have gone to the movies.

 

End of Play