Category Archives: Stage/Screen Writing

Toxic

INT. BUNKER – LIVING SPACE – ARMCHAIR – DAY

A woman’s face. Dry. Brittle. Slack and distorted in death. This was once FAY, 30s. Now it’s just a corpse.
ALICE (V.O.)

It was two days after my 16th birthday when my mother died.
ALICE, 16, scrawny yet hopeful, with all the whimsy of her fairy tale namesake, stares at the face that used to belong to her mother.
ALICE (V.O.)

I suppose I should have cried. Seeing the person who loved me more than anyone else in the world pass away. But I didn’t.
Alice turns her head, studying death from up close.
ALICE (V.O.)

Maybe I’m an awful person. Or maybe because I knew it was coming.
Alice leans forward and kisses her mother’s dry, blue lips.
ALICE (V.O.)

Or maybe it was because I knew it was my turn next.
She pulls away from her mother.

LIVING SPACE

Alice tucks her mother’s body in with a blanket. Shifts it so it faces a FRAMED PORTRAIT – an idolized vision of a man, DAVID, 30s.
In the faded 1970s style bunker, everything is old and doesn’t look like it could ever be clean again. Still, Alice dusts the shelves, doing her best.
She removes a hand-made banner that reads “Happy 16th Birthday, Alice!” She folds it carefully, placing it with love in a drawer.
She arranges the few books. Straightens some tchotchkes.

Wipes down the screen of an out-dated COMPUTER.

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JB in Detox

CAST

JOHN BERRYMAN (JB):  Professor, Pulitzer Prize winning poet, alcoholic

MR. BONES: Dream Songs protagonist Henry’s alter ego; a minstrel

NURSE

BERRYMAN SENIOR (JB’s father)

RODERICK MARSH: A counselor to alcoholics; former student of JB

 

SCENE

The detox ward of a hospital in Minneapolis, circa. 1970

Bare stage, except for a stool

 

AT RISE

JB, wearing a hospital gown, enters; he is trying to keep his balance.

After a moment, the NURSE enters and gently takes JB by the arm and walks him back toward the wings. He complies at first, then pulls away and turns to the audience

 

JB

Henry Pussycat, the anti-hero of my Dream Songs, knows, like me, what it’s like to suffer the DTs—but Henry is traumatized by them utterly, whereas I—whereas I—whereas—whereas—

            (He opens his arms beseechingly to the audience.)

–whereas I remain . . . intact.

 

NURSE

Mr. Berryman—

 

JB

Not now!

(The NURSE retreats to the wings, but doesn’t exit.)

Our current therapist here in detox  is a walking cliché: he starts us off with breathing exercises:

(Mockingly)

Okay everybody, relaxxx…. Just relaxxx….That’s it! Now breathe in….That’s it! And breathe ouut…That’s it! And breathe in again….That’s it!” (It’s enough to make you want to stop breathing.) “Very, very good! And now let us recite the first three steps from AA’s Twelve Steps to permanent sobriety. Are you ready? All righty! The First Step! “We admit—”

     (Gesturing frantically)

C’mon, c’mon. ‘We admit—?”

     (Coaxing)

 

VOICES (Off Stage)

“We admit that we are powerless—

–“that we are powerless over alcohol, and that—”

 

JB

Yes, yes, keep going!

 

VOICES

“—and that our lives have become—”

 

 

JB

Yes? Yes? Become what??

 

VOICES

“—become UNMANAGEABLE.”

 

JB

Ah, yes, we must learn to manage our lives. And to do that?

(A pause)

Step Two! Let me hear Step Two!

 

VOICES

“We must come to believe—”

 

JB

Yes? Believe what?

 

VOICES

“. . . that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to—”

 

JB

“Yes?? Restore us? I’m all ears! Restore us to what??”

VOICES

‘To sanity!’

 

JB

Sanity!! Is there anything more overrated in the history of Western civilization? Well, I say to hell with sanity. Let us instead pray for passion. Passion and the divine madness of poets! Repatriate the poets from their two-millennia-long exile, Socrates be damned . . .

     (A pause)

Now then, ladies and gentlemen, it is time for me to introduce you to two new philosophes: Henry Pussycat and his alter ego, alias inner court-jester, alias first-rate pesterer, Mr. Bones!

 

NURSE

Are you finished, sir?

 

JB

Finished? Alas. I am washed up. No–dried up.

 

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W.M.D.

Persons Represented: 

Wheeler Bledsoe- A 30 + year old, male African-American surveillance technician. 

Richard Kawaler – A 50 + year old, white male surveillance technician 

Lydia Kirylenko – A 30 – 35 year old female, a trained actress who has also worked in
gentleman’s clubs” and has been recruited as a surveillance special agent. 

Frank Savage – A 50 + retired United States Army ballistics specialist and current
international weapons inspector for the United Nations 

Setting: 

A New York City hotel. 

A pre-programmed melody of popular songs plays softly like the background music in a
downtown hotel lobby as the audience enters. 

A scrim directly across the center divides the up and down stage into two distinct areas, each of
which are arranged as hotel rooms which generally mirror one another. 

The room occupying the down stage area is neatly arranged, with an open suitcase on the bed. A
desk and chair are at stage right, a bed stand and lamp are beside the bed, and there is an
overstuffed chair at stage left. 

The room behind the scrim and occupying the up stage area contains the same furniture as the
down stage room, but the bed is strewn with papers and piled over with mens coats and sport-
jackets. The desk has been moved to stand directly beside the scrim, and it is covered with
notebooks, a large tape recorder, a TV monitor, a high-powered camera, and several Styrofoam
coffee cups. A set of closed drapes covers the back wall of the stage as if hung in front of a broad
set of floor to ceiling windows. 

As the music and house lights fade, the down stage area is slowly illuminated, leaving the up
stage room remaining in darkness. 

Wheeler, wearing an audio headset and dressed in slacks and a white shirt, with its sleeves rolled
up, collar opened and neck tie loosened, enters the room at the front of the stage and stands at the
foot of the bed. 

After a moment: 

Wheeler
Alright? Can you hear me now? 

There is a pause as he waits for an apparent reply. 

Wheeler 

Okay, I’ll walk around a little. (he moves away from the bed) Alright, then. Can
you hear me now? (pause) Ya, so I’ll just come back in by you, okay? 

He looks around the room for a moment then pauses slightly before turning to exit. 

The lights rise on the up stage room, exposing where Richard is seated at the desk. 

After a moment, Wheeler enters the up stage room. 

Wheeler
Hows the read? 

Richard 

Pretty good. The levels seem fine, but could you go back in there and wait a
minute? Id like to make sure that the visual has good coverage. I need you to
walk around a little, sit on the edge of the bed for a second, go to the window, and
then come back here, alright? 

Wheeler 

Alright, sure. 

Wheeler turns and leaves again, reentering the other room after a moment. 

Both areas remain lighted. 

Wheeler
Test, testing. (pause) Test. 

He sits roughly on the bed. 

Wheeler 

Testy. Testify. Testicles. Can you hear me now? (pause) Test, test, test. That
seems okay, I trust. 

Richard on the other side of the scrim responds by looking away and waving one hand in the air. 

Richard 

Its fine, Wheeler. Try over by the windows, would you? 

Wheeler 

You think well need much coverage there? 

Richard 

You never know what to expect on things like this. 

Wheeler 

I guess. 

Richard 

We should be able to get visual coverage of the whole room. 

Wheeler 

And only audio in the bath? That’s discretion for you, Richie-boy. 

Richard 

Yea, some things are better left to the imagination. 

After another moment, Wheeler stands and walks to the edge of the stage. 

Wheeler
So, how’s that? 

Richard 

It’ll do, Mister Bledsoe. Thanks. 

Wheeler 

Great. So now Im coming back in by you, okay? 

Richard 

Sure. 

After a moment, Wheeler once more leaves the room, reentering behind the scrim. 

Wheeler 

Youre happy? Everything looks and sounds okay? 

Richard 

Seems fine. 

Wheeler
So now we wait. 

Richard
Right, now we wait. 

Richard leans back in his chair, and Wheeler reaches into his shirt pocket and removes a pack of
Lucky Strikes. 

Wheeler
Mind if I smoke? 

Richard 

Suit yourself. 

Wheeler
Thanks. Id offer you one, but 

Richard 

I stopped years ago, right after my father died of emphysema. 

Wheeler
Thanks for sharing. 

Wheeler lights a cigarette. 

Wheeler (exhaling) 

You been doing this long, surveillance … national security? 

Richard
(looking up at him)
Awhile. 

Wheeler 

Me too, but not like this so much. 

He draws in on his cigarette again. 

Richard
Things change. 

Wheeler 

Yea? 

Richard 

Yea. 

Wheeler 

Used to be mostly drug trafficking stuff that’d bring out warrants like this. 

Richard 

Times change. 

Wheeler 

Yea, I guess they do. (pause) John DeLorean, Marion Berry – even they were still
both drugs, I guess, on the surface anyway. (pause) This … this is different, not
just some too flashy for his own good auto executive trying to finance a new plant
in Ireland or a maverick mayor being set up for a fall by some chick.. This is
different. 

Richard 

Okay, its different – more significant. (pause) National security’s a lot more
important than just running surveillance on a couple of coke heads, even if that is
what this still feels like. 

Wheeler 

Yea, I guess. Still makes it kinda tough to go home for a few days and not have
anything to say about where you been or what you been doing. 

Richard 

Well, youre not exactly supposed to go carryin’ tales about undercover work
outside of a courtroom, you know, not in local law enforcement and certainly not
with federal work. (pause ) You’d think that notion wouldve pretty much trickled
down to you, even back home in – where is it – Indianapolis? 

Wheeler 

“Back home in Indiana.” But you got a wife and kids; don’t they ever ask: So
what do you do in the war on terrorism, daddy?” 

Richard 

I help protect national security. 

Wheeler (as if cautioning for the media)
Within the perimeters of The Patriot Act? 

Richard 

Exactly. 

Wheeler
(exhaling) 

That is what they tell us, isnt it? 

Richard 

Yes it is. (pause) You about done with that? 

Wheeler 

Sure. (pause) Thank God this broad smokes. Ifwed had to set up in a non-
smoking room, this’d sure be a long night. 

He puts the cigarette out in an ash tray on the desk, and they continue in casual conversation,
without intensity, like discussing the weather. 

Richard 

I’m glad you’re pleased. (pause) Thanks for putting that out, by the way. 

Wheeler 

(moving away from him as he speaks) 

No problem. (pause) You know, the First and Fourth Amendments to the U.S.
Constitution notwithstanding, it still makes me a little queasy sometimes. I mean,
I do my job the best I can, and I sleep good enough at night, but I guess I got sold
a bill of goods in civics class as a kid or something, except they didnt call it that.
They called it The Bill of Rights. 

Richard 

You had a dream,” I suppose. 

Wheeler 

(turning toward him again, but continuing matter-of-factly) 

Yea, I guess you could say that. Its what drew me into law enforcement, a dream
deferred, of sorts. Still, like you say, things change.” Shoe bombers, routine pat
downs a regular part of every day air port security. 

(pause) I’ll tell you this right now; if we ever catch a suppository bomber, I will
never fly again. 

Richard 

Isn’t there a book or something that you can read for awhile? I don’t know how
much I want to debate the merits of The Patriot Act with you. Besides,
everything that the bureau does in terms of surveillance is well within the
provisions of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act 

Wheeler 

as reinterpreted in the last few years. 

Richard 

Yes. 

Wheeler 

(leaning on the back of a chair) 

So there it is! (pause) All somebody’s gotta do is certify to a judge – without
having to prove it first, I might add – that a warrant could be relevant to an
ongoing investigation, and bingo! 

Richard 

That’s right, bingo, ba da bing, ba da boom. 

Wheeler 

Sweet, and the judge doesnt have the authority to reject the application. Just “pen
register/track and trace. 

Richard
Thats the policy. 

Wheeler 

And the orders are no longer limited to a particular judges jurisdiction: they’re
valid anywhere in the country. 

Richard 

W orld even. Your point being? 

Wheeler 

So much for that 01′ provision that a warrant had to be written specifically for the
place to be searched. 

Richard 

Thats right, and electronic mail is considered to be like a postcard, open
correspondence that anyone can read without the need of a warrant. 

Wheeler (standing away from the chair) 

Well, silly me. Its just that maybe that aint exactly the right to privacy and being
secure within ones person and papersthat the founding fathers had originally
been intended. 

Richard 

Watching doesnt hurt anybody, and e-mail isnt on paper. (standing) Then too,
three thousand and thirty dead one single, sunny Tuesday morning ain’t exactly
something to just turn away from and wait for it to happen again, especially since
todays Kamikazes dont have great big red zeros painted on the sides of their
planes like in the South Pacific during World War Two. 

Wheeler
A point well taken. 

Richard (walking away from him) 

It’s a question of protecting the masses versus protecting the rights of the
individual. 

Wheeler 

Isn’t that kind of the opposite of why the U.S. Constitution was written? 

Richard stands for a moment with his back toward Wheeler, drawing the curtains across the back
wall slightly open and peering out through them, then letting them fall back together before
turning once more to look at Wheeler. 

After a moment, Richard steps away from the curtains. 

Wheeler stands coolly watching him. 

Richard 

Maybe I’m naive, but if the government comes to a judge and says: Heres our
evidence, and what we need is access to this individual, because we feel that this
person has access to knowledge, or possesses information that could be 

detrimental to the safety of our people,” my gut feeling is that they have to go
with it. Our society’s biggest problem, if you read the daily papers’ letters to the
editor, is that people assume, because the government isn’t sharing all of its
intelligence resources, that it hasnt got any to share, and, therefore, that the
government officials are just doing things illegally in order to make their lives
easier, or whatever. I know for a fact that, when I was in the military, we didnt
always share all ofthe intel, because its classified, and it’s classified for a reason.
The “deep throats” who provide the information in the first place need to be
protected. Its not just secrecy for secrecys sake. 

Wheeler 

I suppose your gut also feels that if a persons act is clean, thered be no need for
anybody to worry about anything. If somebody’s got nothing to hide, no harm
done. No wrongdo, no problem, right? 

Richard 

They dont just pick names out of the phone book to put people under
surveillance, you know. 

Wheeler 

Well, it never hurts to spot-check, right? Pretty much everybodys guilty of
something, don’t you think? 

Richard 

Most likely. 

Wheeler 

Right. So, what do you know about our guy? 

Richard 

No more than you, Im sure. (pause) His name is Frank Savage.(pause) He came
to the attention of the bureau. (pause) There was a warrant, and we were sent here
after Homeland Security set things up. (pause) What else is there to know? 

Wheeler 

Got me. 

Wheeler picks up some papers on the desk. 

Wheeler 

Decorated Viet Nam vet, demolitions guy turned academic, probably on the GI
Bill, and now a U.N. assigned inspector. Doesnt seem like the kind of guy
anybody should be all that much concerned about, this Mr. Savage. Just another
out of work egghead taking the best job he can find. 

Richard 

Well, maybe it’s that egghead” part. The Rosenbergs were just a nice bookish
couple from the Lower East Side whore supposed to have put The Soviet Union
in possession of the Atomic Bomb. But who knows for sure. Besides, we might
just be proving this guy innocent. 

Wheeler 

I spose. Still, used to be that was assumed. 

Richard 

Presumed. “ 

Wheeler 

Thanks. I stand corrected. So, you know anything about the agent? 

Richard 

Not really. 

Wheeler 

I suppose it doesn’t matter. 

Richard 

No, not in the big scheme ofthings. 

Wheeler 

Just somebody else like us, somebody doinwhatever 

needs to be done, for God and country, somebody else whose just followin
orders. 

Richard (showing annoyance) 

Can’t you can it, even for a little while? I mean, is this conversation 

really necessary, or are you just trying to get under my skin for the fun of it? 

Wheeler
It’s not all that much fun. 

Richard 

Good. This is ajob we do – same with the agent, I’m sure.
It begins and ends with that. 

Wheeler 

Right. 

Richard (after a moment) 

You know, Im a nationalized citizen; my parents came here during the Cold
War, me with them in tow, and Ive heard all the stories about the secret police,
alright? I’m a strong opponent of people being singled out ... 

Wheeler
or profiled? 

Richard 

Yes. 

Wheeler 

I see. 

Richard 

... or held indefinitely incommunicado. 

Wheeler 

I see. 

Richard (suddenly escalating in tone) 

Yes, and even though history might suggest that JapaneseAmerican internment
maybe was an overreaction and excessive use of presidential power, there are
still plenty people who think that Julius and Ethel Rosenberg did let the atomic
genie out of the bottle. 

Wheeler (meeting Richard’s tone)
And that created the world we live in today? 

Richard 

Sure as hell raised the stakes. 

Wheeler
You really think … 

Richard 

How much you think it really matters what the hell either one of us thinks? 

The telephone beside the bed rings. 

Richard 

(picking up the receiver) 

Yes. (pause) Alright. (looking at Wheeler) Were ready. (pause) Thanks. 

He hangs up the telephone. 

Wheeler 

Show time? 

Richard
Theyre on their way. 

Richard moves to the table, and Wheeler stands behind him. 

Wheeler
Hurry up and wait? 

Richard 

Theyve left the bar together. How long can it take to get on and off an elevator? 

Wheeler 

You ever see Fatal Attraction?(pause) I think a lot depends on the quality of
the agent. 

Richard
My guess is top shelf. 

Wheeler (sitting beside Richard)
Well soon see. 

Richard 

Yes we will. 

The door in the other room can be heard being unlocked. 

Richard 

Bingo. 

Wheeler
Ba da boom, ba da, bing. 

The door opens. Lydia, wearing a red dress, and Frank stand for a moment in the entrance to the
room. 

Lydia 

(gesturing broadly, with an apparent Eastern European accent, even though her words come
straight out of A Streetcar Named Desire) 

You may enter. 

Frank 

(also somewhat broadly)
Thank you, so much. 

As they start through the door, Lydia draws him forward by one arm, then, pausing to close the
door after them, pulls him to her in a firm embrace. 

Frank 

Ummm. 

He takes her face between his hands and kisses her warmly on the mouth. 

Lydia 

(after a long moment) 

Yea, ah, Ive got that champagne I promised over by the desk. Chilled and open. 

Frank 

Sounds perfect, every bit as much as the Scotch that you had sent over to me in
the bar. 

Lydia 

I just had to ask the bartender what youd been having. I don’t like to drink alone. 

Frank 

Me either. Of course, thats never stopped me. 

Lydia 

Me either. 

They each chuckle, and Frank goes to the table to pick up the bottle and pour glasses for each of
them. Lydia closes the suitcase and moves it onto the floor beside the bed. 

Wheeler
Hope its a good vintage. 

Richard 

Alright. 

Frank
Here you go, baby. 

He hands her a glass. 

Frank
Heres lookin’ at you, kid. 

Lydia 

Nostrovia. 

She raises her glass, and they each drink. 

Frank
You surprise me a little. 

Lydia 

In what way? 

Frank 

You seem somehow reserved all of a sudden. Are you uncomfortable with my
being here? 

Lydia 

No, not at all … its just that the music was so loud downstairs,
andnow ... 

Frank
And now it isn’t. 

Lydia
Thats right, now it isnt. 

Frank 

Its okay. You don’t need to feel uncomfortable, really. 

Lydia 

I dont. Here. 

She steps forward and takes his hand, drawing him to the foot of the bed. 

Lydia 

It’s not very easy to talk down there. 

She sits on the edge of the bed. 

Wheeler
Probably pretty hard there too. 

Richard 

Come on. 

Lydia 

Lets see what this hotel has for music on its in-house channel. Its just like on an
air plane. I like jazz. Do you mind? 

Richard 

Not at all. 

She turns on the radio and soft, instrumental, “cooljazz begins to play quietly in the room,
perhaps initially a version of Love For Salefollowed by other melodies without interruption. 

She steps away from the radio, taking a few dance steps as she moves towards Frank 

Wheeler 

She’s cute. This tape might just tum out to be a keeper. 

Richard 

Try to control yourself, would you? 

Frank puts one arm behind her back, and they sway together, each holding a glass off to one
side. 

After a moment. 

Frank 

There. You seem less anxious now. 

Lydia
I am, somewhat. 

Frank 

Good. 

He encloses her more closely, as they continue to move to the music. 

After a few moments, Frank pulls her tightly to his chest and they kiss. 

Lydia (drawing slightly back)
Do you mind if . . . 

Frank (relaxing his embrace) 

if we take the time to get to know one another a little? (pause) To talk? 

Wheeler 

God damn it. 

Lydia 

Yea, for a few minutes anyway. I think then that Id  

Frank (moving away from her)
… feel somewhat more comfortable? 

Lydia 

Yes. 

Frank quickly drinks his champagne and looks for somewhere to set the glass. 

Frank 

So, what would you like to know? 

Lydia 

Ah, I dont know. What brings you to New York? 

Frank
Work, and you? 

Lydia 

I suppose you could say the same … in a round-about way. 

He sets his glass on the desk directly opposite where Wheeler and Richard are sitting. 

Frank
And what way is that? 

Lydia 

I thought you were going to do the talking. 

Frank (moving back toward her)
Sure, me. I’m a kind of individual contractor. 

Lydia (sipping her drink) 

Alright. 

Frank (after a brief silence) 

I work internationally, and Ive just come back from overseas where I had been
for about a year. That’s pretty much it. How about you? 

Lydia 

Well, I haven’t been in America for very long. 

Frank
But youd like to stay. 

Wheeler leans back in a chair, his hands behind his head. 

Lydia 

If I can. 

Frank 

So where are you from? 

She finishes her drink. 

Lydia 

Someplace that doesn’t exist anymore. 

Frank 

Really? 

Lydia 

Yes, not for over twenty years. 

She sets her glass on the bed stand. 

Frank
And how’s that? 

Lydia (turning toward him) 

I’m from the Ukraine, from a small town that was abandoned after 1986, and
today it has nothing in it but empty buildings and loud speakers playing
Tchaikovsky into the wind. 

Frank
The exclusion zone? 

Lydia 

Yes, along with one hundred and thirty thousand others who were evacuated and
resettled from around Chemobyl. (pause) I just kept moving. 

Wheeler
You think that’s true? 

Richard 

No reason that it wouldnt be. Why not? 

Frank 

How did you come to the States? 

Lydia 

Like I said, I kept moving. My parents died of cancer, and I had no where to go,
so I responded to an advertisement to become a waitress in the west;once I got
to where I was sent, in Amsterdam, I learned the job wasnt exactly what I had
thought waitressing” would be. 

Frank 

I see. 

Lydia 

It took me a while to get away. I learned a lot … about men … about myself ..
. about what I was capable of doing, and then I met a man who knew some other
men, and I found a way to use my education;so now, I hope to stay in America.
I have no other place to go. 

Frank
And no one to go to? 

Lydia 

Especially that, no one, no where. Just here … tonight …
there’s nothing important about the past. 

Frank
That’s a matter of opinion. 

Lydia 

I suppose. 

Frank 

Andme,now? 

Lydia 

You looked like you might be a nice man. 

It seems that you are, and we are here together, now … in the present. 

Frank
In your hotel room. 

Lydia
Yes, in my hotel room. 

Frank 

And it would be niceif I felt that you were comfortable with that, with my
being here with you. 

Wheeler
He’s got that right. 

Frank 

Id like to think that was possible. 

Lydia 

(turning briefly toward the other room, her back to Frank) 

It is, I suppose. I sometimes still get a little self-conscious, but it’s good that we
are here together. I am comfortable with that. 

Frank 

I hope so. 

Wheeler 

So do I. 

Lydia 

I’d probably feel even more at ease if I knew what type of international individual
contractor I was talking to here in my hotel room who seems to know so much
about … about things from the past. 

Frank 

Let’s say I’m a surveillance specialist. 

Wheeler and Richard look briefly toward one another, then back at the monitor on the desk in
front of them. 

Lydia 

I see. And what is it that you survey? 

Frank 

Well, right now, I pretty much like what I see. 

Lydia
Thats not really an answer. 

Frank 

I assess governmental resources. 

Lydia
Human resources? 

Frank 

Not so often. You know, I almost feel like I’m talking to a woman named
Dorothy Kilgallin. 

Lydia 

Who’s that? 

Frank 

Just me showing my age. She was someone who used to appear on a television
show called “Whats My Line? 

Lydia 

Oh. 

Frank closes his arms around Lydia, and she relaxes against him. After a moment he
kisses her neck and she does not resist. 

Wheeler 

I heard on “Hollywood Stories” or something that the CIA had her -Kilgallin
murdered so that she couldn’t publish the theory in her newspaper column that the
bureau had killed J.F.K. 

Richard 

You’d think they’d have had Sinatra do it. 

Wheeler 

Probably afraid he’d get caught. Besides I thought he specialized in Kennedy’s
Mob and movie star lovers. 

Richard 

I guess. 

Frank draws slightly back, continuing to caress her neck. 

Frank 

Typically, I am not at liberty to talk much about the specific nature of my job, but
let’s just say that I know more than I would like to about such things as the
potential for destruction that has become available to people who cannot be
counted on to be rational. 

Lydia 

Just hold me. I don’t care what you do. I don’t need to know if you don’t want to
tell me. 

He draws his arms around her. 

Frank
There. Is that better? 

Lydia 

Yes. Don’t tell me anything more if you don’t want to, if you don’t feel that you
should, if you don’t think that you can trust. 

Frank (after a pause) 

I contract with various international agencies. 

Lydia 

Alright. 

Frank (after a pause)
I do inspections of defense systems. 

Lydia 

Alright. (she kisses him) Is it dangerous? 

Frank 

That depends. (He lightly kisses the back of her neck.) Anything can be
dangerous. 

Lydia 

I suppose. 

Frank 

Our being here together could be dangerous. 

He turns her to face him, and they again embrace. 

Frank
Probably is dangerous. 

Lydia 

I suppose. 

Frank 

Perhaps every bit as much as a radiation release. 

Lydia
How could that happen? 

Frank 

The danger in our being together? 

Lydia 

No. I know all about that. (pause) The other thing. 

Frank 

A radiation release? 

Lydia 

Yes. 

He moves slightly away from her and begins to undoing the back of her dress. 

Frank 

An explosive release producing fallout. 

Lydia
That I know about. 

She kisses him and presses his hand against her, raising both of her hands to his, then moving her
arms around his shoulders, slowly lowering them to her sides. 

Lydia 

How else? 

Frank
A gradual release. 

He pushes the material of her dress from her shoulders and slides it along her arms. 

Lydia 

Like what? 

Frank 

Aerosol maybe, or contaminated food. 

Lydia 

Or tea in a London hotel bar? 

Frank 

Yes, just a tiny dose of po loni urn 210. 

He drops her dress to the floor and draws her against his chest. 

Lydia 

Where would it corne from, radio active material? 

Kissing her as he speaks, he begins to undo her bra, and she slowly unbuttons his shirt,
eventually sliding it from his chest. 

Frank 

It’s common enough – medical sources, the black market, laboratory as well as
industrial sources. 

He drops her bra to the floor, and they again embrace. 

She turns away from the interior wall and faces the edge of the stage. 

Frank encloses her in his arms once again from behind. 

Lydia
VVhatcould happen? 

Frank 

Release just enough to register on a Geiger counter, then phone in an anonymous
tip. The panic a confirmation would cause could do more harm than the
radioactive exposure, but the destruction to the economy would be huge. 

Lydia 

VVhat else? 

He lifts her into the air and carries her to the bed, pausing to draw back the covers with one hand
and then laying her against the sheets and moving beside her. 

Frank 

Anthrax, of course, but also smallpox, botulism, plague, VX or mustard gas,
hydrogen cyanide, sarin. 

Lydia
What does that do? 

Rising on top of her and drawing the covers back over both of them, they struggle together for a
moment to cast aside his pants and then her panties as he continues with the urgent answer to her
question. 

Frank 

It’s a nerve gas – causes death within minutes of exposure – enters the body
through eyes and skin – paralyses the muscles for breathing. The attack in a
Tokyo subway injured thousands of people, even though it only killed about a
dozen. 

Lydia
Anything else? 

Frank 

Well, theres soman, a nerve agent that kills in about fifteen minutes, and tabun,
even high levels of chlorine can be lethal, and theres no antidote, but its the
biological weapons that are the most destructive. 

Lydia 

Really? 

Frank 

Next to a significant atomic release, that is, because they can self-perpetuate,
even mutate. 

Lydia 

I see. 

Frank 

Chemical weapons become less dangerous as they disperse, but something like
botulinum toxin can be as much as three million times more lethal than something
like sarin. 

Lydia
That’s amazing! 

Frank 

Yes, yes. 

Lydia 

Amazing. 

Frank 

Yes. 

He fumbles through his pants pocket, taking out his wallet and opening it to remove a small
packet that he then opens using one hand and his teeth after setting the wallet on a bedside table. 

Wheeler 

Phh, fuckin’ boy scout. Always be prepared. 

Richard
Come on, can it. 

Frank 

God damn it! 

They press together beneath the covers, then, after a moment, Frank becomes still and gradually
draws back, away from her. 

Lydia 

Kohanee, sweet one, what is it? 

Frank (quietly) 

Nothing. 

Lydia
Is something wrong? 

Frank 

Yes. (pause) No, not really, but … yes. 

Lydia
I dont understand. 

Frank 

It’s nothing. Its just. .. its nothing. 

He begins to kiss her neck and draw his mouth down to her breasts, drawing himself to his knees
over her and pressing his arms straight, palms pushing deeply into the pillows on either side of
her head as he lowers his mouth further down her body. 

Frank 

Just lay back .... Its nothing. 

She reaches one hand down between his legs, then draws it slowly away. 

Lydia
Whats wrong, baby? 

Frank
Nothing. Just let me … 

Lydia 

Baby … no. Wait for a minute, baby. What is it? 

Frank 

Collateral damage, a side effect. 

He sighs deeply. 

Lydia
I don’t understand. 

Frank 

I think it can be a result of a medicine I take, sometimes, when I mix it with
alcohol. Blood pressure rises, and then it drops. 

Lydia 

Its alright, baby. It’s alright. 

She draws his head to her, enclosing him in both of her arms. 

Lydia 

It’s alright, kohanee, my sweet one. 

They lie still for a moment in the bed. 

After several seconds, Frank draws himself off to one side and lies on his back, looking up
toward the ceiling. 

Frank
God-damnedest thing. 

Lydia 

Shhh, dont worry about it. Just hold me. 

Frank encloses her in his arms, and they lie still together 

Wheeler 

Id expected a little more than that. 

Richard 

Shhh, alright? 

Wheeler 

Okay, leave a tender moment alone. 

After a moment. 

Frank
What’s in that bottle? 

Lydia
Vodka, but I thought … 

Frank (beginning to pull away from her)
Cant hurt at this point. Might even help. 

He draws a sheet from the bed as he rises and crosses the room, then begins to pour himself a
drink. 

Frank 

You want one. 

Lydia 

Sure, I guess. 

She reaches over and turns off the music. 

Frank 

Good. 

He pours a second glass of vodka and begins back toward the bed, handing her his drink. 

Frank 

There you go. 

Lydia 

Thanks. 

Frank 

I wish I knew what to think or say. 

Lydia 

Nostrovia. 

Frank
Right. Thanks. 

He drinks, then sets down a half full/half empty glass. 

Wheeler 

Christ, ifhe’djust finish the god damned vodka he could probably get on with it. 

Richard
Come on. Just do your job. 

Wheeler 

I am, god damn it. Im a professional voyeur, just like you. 

Lydia (smoothing out the bedding) 

Here, sit by me. 

Frank 

Thanks. Don’t worry. It doesnt really matter. 

Lydia
So, what does? 

Frank 

Not much, I suppose, and then plenty. 

Lydia 

Like what? 

Frank 

Well, let’s see: you’re from a place that no one can return to for the next thirty or
so thousand years, and I’m in the business of watching over the kinds of things
that people could do to make hot spots like that pop up all over the planet. (pause)
Pretty crazy stuff, if you want to know the truth. 

Lydia 

Of course. Isn’t that what is supposed to make people free? 

Frank 

That’s what they say … whoever they” are. 

Lydia 

And what about you? What do you say? 

Frank 

Just that the world is a lot more dangerous today than it was during the whole of
the We will bury youera of the Cold War, and were no where near the “end of
history” that some nutty professor tried to say we were back when the wall came
tumblin’ down, back before the little bombs 

(Frank continuing) 

started going off all along what some other nutty professor has called the fault
lines of civilization.” 

Wheeler 

What the fucks he talking about now? 

Richard 

Think tank guys. Other eggheads. Francis Fukuyma and Thomas … ah, no, urn,
Samuel Hutchenson. 

Lydia 

I think you’d better be a little more direct. 

Frank 

How so? 

Lydia 

I dont know. You tell me. I only know my little piece of the way the world is
today. I mean, Im just one person who cant go home anymore,” and I don’t
really know why, aside from the fact that, one day while I was just a little girl
away form home on a school trip, for me, everything changed. I watched a
helicopter on television dropping concrete onto a blown-up building, and I was
told that an accident had occurred.That was glasnost,” openness, that was the
truththat I was given, then one hundred and thirty five thousand people were
evacuated from around where I had lived, and eventually there were forty
thousand of them who developed cancer and, in addition to my mother and father,
more than six thousand died. Now, you tell me the truth; tell me about how you
think the world has changed. 

Frank 

Sure. 

Lydia 

I mean it. I need to understand. I want to know what you think. I only wish
someone could tell me why. 

He stands, tossing one edge of the sheet up across his left shoulder, like a Roman orator, and
throwing down the rest of his drink. 

Frank 

Right, (pause) well, to begin with, the world is no longer challenged by
concentrated threats that can be isolated and defined. Instead, it is 

confronted by a pervasive one, like a cancer that has begun to metastasize, that
has the potential of being anywhere at any time. (pause) Its a funny thing,
ironically, ifit is at all possible to find such things funny, but its the same noble
Enlightenment ideas of equality and enfranchisement that have both advanced the
progress of the last two centuries and that now have set that progress in universal
peril. (pause) It is freedom that has made the world unsafe for democracy, and its
the idea ofliberty, brought forward as it has been from The Age of Reason,” that
has moved the world to the verge of virtual chaos, or rather the irrational
dominance of empty-headed theocracies of all kinds. What I mean is that 

Medievalism, or rather xenophobic intolerance is on the rise, if the truth is to be
told, and rational pragmatism, enlightened self-interest, secular humanism and
even cautious relativism are each at risk of being prescribed to the ash can of
history in favor of regionalism, of sectarianism, of fanaticism and other-worldly
lunacy. It doesnt really matter what started the mess, what particular set of
ismsinitially caused the contagion to begin to spread. All that really matters is
that the mess needs to be cleaned up, to be contained at least, before the future is
destroyed by the past. 

He pauses a moment, then continues. 

Frank 

You see, this isn’t something that just started a score of years ago. It has been
there since before the time of Homer, since the origins ofthe world we know,
since the mobilization of King Leonidas and his three hundred Spartans, since
Alexander The Great bequeathed his empire to the strongestand laid the
foundations of the future, since Rome rose and fell and the power vacuum that
was created became filled and then fought over on the basis of conflicting, out-of-
this-world ideologies. That’s the real W.M.D. – the weapons of mass destruction-
ancient grudges and frozen ways of magical thinking that have no relationship to
modem-day reality and that still have arisen from beneath the permafrost of the
cold war like zombies in some low budget horror film and now are everywhere,
thanks to openness, thanks to glasnost, thanks to some well intended, road-to-hell
notion of tolerance that has spread the seeds of intolerance all across the planet.
The thing is, the truth cant simply be ignored. The border-less, “flat worldof
multi-nationalism can’t just go on about its business like people partying on a
beach while a hurricane forms off shore, while a tsunami swells the horizon. The
weapons of mass destruction – disenfranchisement and marginalization – must
either be neutralized or they may well some day soon consume our world-wide
consumer 

Frank (continuing) 

economy, and the ghosts of Xerxes and those who felt betrayed by the Balfour
Declaration after World War One that Osama Ben-Laden evoked 

in his early videos will exact their revenge. You see, the sources of these means of
annihilation are unalterable and unassailable; they are embedded within the very
anatomy of our species. Their cause is the drive for transcendence that exists
within all of us and the fact that different people, at different times, in different
places within the world, have developed different ways of satisfying that drive, of
scratching that particular psychological itch, different rituals of transcendence and
different religious systems that only serve to set people against one another. 

That’s the truth. Theres your weapons of mass destruction, the opiate of the
masses. Just look at the Catholics and the Protestants in Ireland; theyd been
killing each other for over three hundred years, but a couple automobile plants
open up so people can buy their potatoes from Idaho, and all of a sudden the
sectarian divisions aren’t so important any more. You see what Im getting at? 

You wanna achieve world peace,” you gotta give people a sense that they got a
shot at havina piece of the world. Otherwise ... otherwise, somebody’s gonna
be tellin’em that their only hope is some other world that doesnt even exist and
they have to die to get into while taking as many other people as possible with
them, some pie in the sky promise that has always been nothing more than
wishful thinking born from impoverishment and deprivation. 

Frank picks up his drink. 

Frank 

Whats gonna stop it? Whats gonna contain the w.m.d. that threatens to blow up
the world like a big blue bomb? Only one thing – the fact that order always wins
out over chaos, eventually, like it always has before. 

Frank empties his glass and then pours another. 

Frank 

Of course, that could take a few hundred years, and maybe even that’d be a good
thing. A new dark ages with a world wide economic collapse and the end of
civilization as we know it might be just what it takes to slow down global
warming and save what would be left of the human race. 

He drinks and sits in the chair at the side of the room. 

Frank 

Hell, maybe thats the answer after all. Thing is . . . its a pretty high price to pay
to try and find out, if you know what I mean, if we allow policy to 

Frank (continuing) 

be driven by ideology, if we exacerbate the undeniable differences that exist
between cultures, between civilizations, between the out-worn feel 

goodsystems of unsubstantiated belief derived from transcriptions of the
random musings of a handful of long dead, illiterate crackpots – the world will
necessarily drown within the sea of faith that Martin Luther said must tear the
eyes from reason in order to exist. See the world in that way, submit to the
inevitable consequences of the kind of inordinate insanity of today’ s ignorant
armies clashing by night, and you can forget all about global warming thanks to a
man made nuclear winter that’ll last for a couple hundred thousand years. 

He pauses, finishes his drink, and then lets the glass fall from his hand. 

Frank 

Ah, oh well, whats the problems of the world got to do with two people alone in
a room, anyway? 

Lydia 

Nothing, I suppose. 

Frank 

That’s right. Nothin.’ Nothin’ from nothin’ leaves nothin. Absolute zero. Great
concept, that – zero. N ada. Yeap, nothing is great – N ada Akbar (pause) Arabic
notion – zero. Course, the Japanese pretty much made the best of it in World War
Two, even if it didnt turn out too good for them in the short run, but now ...
now they got one of the best standards of living in the world. Wonder if the good
citizens of Hiroshima and Nagasaki wouldve thought it was worth it. Ah, well
Harry Truman said he never lost a nights sleep over dropping the bomb. More
than I can say. Good idea though, a little shut eye, knits up the raveled sleeve of
care. 

He yawns and sighs deeply. 

Frank 

I think I’m done for. (pause) Here, let me come back over there by you. 

He stands and moves toward the bed, the sheet falling from around him to the floor. 

Lying in the bed, he is quickly asleep. 

The girl waits a moment, then stands, gathering her clothes together and watching for him to
wake as she dresses. 

Richard 

Looks like we probably got something for somebody to work with. 

Wheeler
I guess so, if they edit it right. 

As Lydia finishes dressing, she moves toward where Frank is lying in the bed. She stoops to very
gently touch Franks hair with one hand, then rises and turns away, blocking herself from the
surveillance camera as she removes Franks wallet from the bed stand. 

Lydia (picking up her suitcase and turning toward the
hidden camera, and dropping the Eastern European accent) 

Good night, boys. Dont let the bed bugs bite. 

She exits. 

Wheeler (laughing slightly)
Looks like the show is pretty much over. 

Richard 

Yea. So, you want order some bacon and eggs or something? We cant leave
until he’s gone. 

Wheeler
Just some coffee, I guess. 

Richard 

Suit yourself. 

Richard goes to the telephone and dials for room service. 

Wheeler moves over to the hotel radio in the surveillance room. 

Richard (into the telephone during the above) 

Hi, I’d like to order some coffee and sweet rolls and your egg white omelet with
whole wheat toast and a side of bacon. (pause) Yea, thats right.. Great. Just send
it up to nine eleven. 

Wheeler turns on the radio and John Lennon’s Imagineplays. 

The lights and music fade. 

Blackout. 

The end. 

Synopsis: 

W .M.D. by Jeff Helgeson 

W.M.D. is a one-act play that explores a number of issues concerning privacy and national
security, as well as larger questions with respect to the causes of international conflict and the 

potential consequences of ignoring the sources of discontent that confront modem world
civilization. 

Set within a pair of New York hotel rooms, the play deals with a surveillance team of two men,
an attractive female agent,” and an international weapons inspector who has been selected for
security verification. During the course of the events presented, the far from simply black and
whiteissues of track and traceinvestigation are dramatically 

addressed from the widely differing points of view of the two technicians, one a middle aged
nationalized citizen of Eastern European origin and the other a somewhat younger African-
American. 

With the arrival of the subjects for observation, the action shifts to voyeuristic engagement, as
the audience is placed in a parallel position with that of the two surveillance agents, observing
the intimate inter-actions of the man and woman in a seemingly private hotel room. A
contrapuntal juxtaposition of sexuality and the 

technical means of mass destruction, although clearly titillating for the unseen surveillance team,
ultimately leads to a failure in consummation. This dysfunction is followed by some apparently
deeply personal disclosures of the female and a somewhat more extended discourse by the man
under observation. When he eventually sleeps, more of the nature of the trap” is revealed, the
woman leaves, and the two men who have recorded the entire exchange wait to be relieved of
their duty. 

KENNEDY’S ACOLYTES

A full-length play with six women – nine without doubling by JACK GILHOOLEY

On the the evening of November 22, 1963 in rural Western Ireland, three mid-teen-age girls grapple with the news that U.S. President John F. Kennedy has just been assassinated. Fifty years later the three reconnoiter at the same – but different – town square. Like the community, they have undergone radical changes some for the good and some otherwise.                                       The three characters should be played by SIX ACTRESSES (three ingénues and three older). After the opening scene, the three young actresses can play the US college radio interviewer, the young Irish waitress and the young tinker mother in Ireland. Or three other actresses can be used.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

Deirdre   mid teens, then in her mid- sixties

Oona         “        “       “     “   “       “     “         ALL SPEAK WITH A BROGUE EXCEPT

Eileen        “        “       “     “    “     “     “         OONA IN SCENE III AND ARIEL

Ariel   a US college co-ed, a campus radio personality in 2013

Maggie   an Irish waitress, Eileen’s granddaughter, 19 yrs old in 2013.

Mary   a young Irish gypsy…tinker…traveler in 2013

SCENE ONE: A basically empty town square (A bench? A streetlamp?) in Ireland. There’s a shabby sign at the edge of the stage reading Doyle’s Public House. The bar itself is offstage.

TIME: Evening, Nov. 22, 1963.

SCENE TWO: A US college radio studio. Basically consisting of a table and two chairs with two mics and indications of the venue e.g. ON THE AIR sign. Little else.

TIME: mid-November, 2013

SCENE THREE: Doyle’s Public House in the same rural town square. It is slickened now with neon and tablecloth dining. It’s hardly the shabby (offstage) pub hinted at 50 years ago. It is now a respectable restaurant with the practically mandatory – for Ireland – picture of JFK.

TIME: November 22, 2013

JACK GILHOOLEY 6620 Grand Point Ave., Bradenton, FL 34201  941 351-9688

jackgilhooley@tampabay.rr.com

 

Deirdre and Oona are heavily dressed against the late November elements. Each carries an unlit flashlight (“torch”).

DEIRDRE

How close did you get?

OONA

I could touch him.

DEIRDRE

So did ye?

OONA

Lord, no.

DEIRDRE

Why not?

OONA

I was afraid.

DEIRDRE

Of what?

OONA

The whole situation.

DEIRDRE

Were you afraid of Kennedy?

OONA

Course not. But he had these big bruiser-type guards.

DEIRDRE

He coulda left them home. He didn’t need them here. In the states, yeah. But not in Wexford. We’re civilized over here. Except on the football pitch. Rumor had it that he’d move over here when his presidency was over. And why not? He’d be able to walk into any pub in the land without guards. The gents wouldn’t have let him buy a round. Lift a jar an’ have a bit of craic with the boyos. A game of darts or two. Then home for dinner with Jackie and the wee ones. Little John-John woulda been old enough to join a football club. His da would have been a sponsor. Take alla the lads out after a match. Treat them to sweets and such. Grand it would be, for sure.

OONA

(Beat) Somehow I never saw that happening.

DEIRDRE

Why not? He could afford sweets for the lads. In that case ye should’ve reached out to him. He was shakin’ hands with any bogtrotter who could reach him. You mighta nicked his wallet.

OONA

I was frozen.

DEIRDRE

How could you freeze in June? If you were that close you coulda kissed him. If I was that close I’d’ve kissed him.

OONA

Deirdre!!!

DEIRDRE

That’s what I’d’ve done. I’d’ve snogged John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Right in front of Jackie. He’d have savored it.

OONA

I’m sure Jackie would’ve panicked over that. Imagine, Deirdre Flanagan as JFK’s teen-aged mistress.

DEIRDRE

That’s somethin’ you could brag about to your grandkids… snoggin’ the President of The United States.

OONA

I wasn’t thinkin’ about grandkids as the President of The United States was approachin’. I was thinkin’ I might wet myself. And I’d hardly tell my grandkids that I kissed the American president. They’d think there auld granny was a cheeky slag.

DEIRDRE

Then you could tell them that you wet yourself.

OONA

I wouldn’t tell them that even if I did. And I didn’t.

DEIRDRE

Congratulations, Oona. Discipline is yer middle name. Y’know, you’ll get nowhere in life bein’ fearful. Look at Marilyn Monroe.

OONA

What’s Marilyn Monroe have to do with it?

DEIRDRE

She sang “Happy Birthday” to him.

OONA

You call that singin’?

DEIRDRE

Not like any “Happy Birthday” I ever heard.

OONA

I seen it onna telly. And right there in fronta his family. It’s certainly not the way I sing “Happy Birthday”.

DEIRDRE

You’re hardly Marilyn Monroe. How would you sing to your lover?

OONA

Stop that kinda talk. I’ll never have a lover. I’ll have a husband. When the time comes. Lovers are for low-life scrubbers.

DEIRDRE

I hear that Marilyn was Kennedy’s lover.

OONA

You’re barmy. You’ve been readin’ those supermarket trash sheets. He’s a fine Catholic man with a wife and two lovely children.

DEIRDRE

So’s yer da.

OONA

Three lovely children.

DEIRDRE

Two lovely children an’ you.

OONA

Me da would never cheat on me mum.

DEIRDRE

Who’d have ‘im?

OONA

Yer not funny, Deirdre.

Geez, now it’s too late.

DEIRDRE

Too late at night? Or too late for you to snog Kennedy.

OONA

Geez, it was only last June. I’ll never have another chance to touch him.

DEIRDRE

They’ll probably have an open casket for the viewin’. You could fly over to Washington, get in line and touch him when you pass by. Kiss ‘em even. No need for security, now.

OONA

I wouldn’t touch a dead man.

DEIRDRE

Not even Kennedy? Why? Death is not contagious.

OONA

Well, snoggin’ seems to be contagious with you. You even kissed Gerald O’Malley behind the stables.

DEIRDRE

Where’d ye hear that?

OONA

Everybody saw it.

DEIRDRE

Who’s everybody?

OONA

Mary Catherine Monaghan. And me sister.

DEIRDRE

That’s everybody??? Those two are nobodies.

For your information, he kissed me. It was not mutual. He snuck up on me. And it wasn’t on the lips. If Gerald O’Malley had kissed me on the lips I’d have run home and washed my mouth out.

OONA

So it was a… well… a sneaky snoggin’. Did you confess it?

DEIRDRE

Course not. I was an innocent party.

OONA

Did you enjoy it?

DEIRDRE

(Shrugs) I might’ve enjoyed it if it hadn’t been Gerald. There was nothin’ to confess.

OONA

Gerald’s sweet on ye.

DEIRDRE

Well, I’m sour on Gerald.

OONA

What if it had been Billy Darby kissed ye’?

DEIRDRE

There’s no comparin’ Billy Darby to Gerald O’Malley. Billy wouldna hadda sneak up on me. I’d be there for the takin’.

OONA

Deirdre!

DEIRDRE

If it had been Billy I would certainly be goin’ to confession on Saturday. I probably wouldn’t even be brushing me teeth.

OONA

You’re barmy. I’d never lose my head like that over a boy.

DEIRDRE

Not even me brother?

OONA

Wha…You mean, Danny?

DEIRDRE

Aye,’at’s me brother, eh? An everybody knows you’re sweet on him.

OONA

Everybody, huh? Like Mary Catherine Monahan and me sister? I have no time for boys at this point.

DEIRDRE

Then you’ll not care that Danny’s sweet on you.

Oona does care that Danny’s interested in her and it shows.

OONA

You sure about that, Deirdre?

Before Deirdre answers, Eileen enters. She too, carries a flashlight. It is lit upon her entry but she turns it off immediately.

DEIRDRE

H’lo, Eileen.

EILEEN

H’lo, mates.

OONA

Hey Eileen, did ya hear?

EILEEN

That Kathy Doyle is preggers? Big surprise.

OONA

Old news. She fingered poor Robbie Ryan.

DEIRDRE

Everyone knows it was Billy Darby done the dirty deed.

OONA                                                                        EILEEN

BILLY DARBY??? No, he wouldn’t of.      That’s a bloody lie!!!

DEIRDRE

Did you think he was savin’ it for you, Oona?

EILEEN

Billy Darby didn’t do it.

DEIRDRE

How do you know?

EILEEN

He confides in me.

OONA

He what???

DEIRDRE

Wishful thinkin’, Eileen. Billy Darby has no interest in you. He was an altar boy.

EILEEN

Was an altar boy? Was he kicked out?

OONA

No, he’s seventeen. Last July.

DEIRDRE

July the 14th. Too old for the altar boys.

EILEEN

So, he’s fair game for anythin’, then? Even a Protestant.

DEIRDRE

An’ no doubt you’d offer him anythin’.

EILEEN

I never had to offer him anythin’. We’re goin’ out.

OONA

In yer dreams.

DEIRDRE

Not possible. Yer da won’t allow it. Nor would Billy’s folks.

EILEEN

So Kathy and Robbie Ryan are getting’ married.

DEIRDRE

It’s either that or the Magdalene laundry for Kathy.

EILEEN

Not a bad deal for Kathy. Robbie’s father owns a service station. Cars will always need gas. She couldn’a done better on the up an’ up.

DEIRDRE

With her mug, she couldna got a lad on the up an‘up.

EILEENR

Maybe the baby will look like him an’ not like her.

OONA

Him? Billy Darby or Robbie Ryan?

EILEEN

Robbie, I guess. Not that he’s any great shakes. So what more could a homely girl ask?  Sometimes it’s not such a bad idea to get yerself up the pole—

DEIRDRE

Kennedy’s dead.

EILEEN

Yer kiddin’.

DEIRDRE

Shot to death.

EILEEN

Who done it?

DEIRDRE

They got a guy but he’s only a suspect.

EILEEN

Bridie Keough musta done it. She never forgave Dermot for givin’ her the boot and takin’ up

with Bridget O’Shea. An’ Bridie’s da is a hunter with plenty of rifles in the house. If the garda needs any evidence, I’ll be glad to offer my opinion.

OONA

G’wan, Bridie wouldn’t harm a fly.

EILEEN

You dunno Bridie the way I know—

OONA

Will you get over Bridie and Kevin Keene? Kevin never knew you existed. It’s not like Bridie set out to steal him from someone who never had him.

EILEEN

I never had him cause I was playin’ hard to get.

OONA

Well, you sure succeeded at that game. By the time you decided to warm up to Kevin, Bridie had him.

EILEEN

I could get him if I thought he was worth it.

DEIRDRE

You two stop yer babblin’. We’re not talkin’ of Dermot Kennedy.

OONA

Course not. It’s John Kennedy been murdered.

EILEEN

Lucky Dermot. Who’s John Kennedy? That’s Dermot’s cousin from Cavan?

DEIRDRE

JACK KENNEDY, YOU NIT!

EILEEEN

(Calmly) Oh, Jack Kennedy. Why didn’t ye say so? Well, that’s America for ye.

OONA

“…that’s America for ye”. That’s all you have to say?

EILEEN

Whataya want me to say? Hooray for America? Ye killed yer own president.

OONA

The greatest man in the world is dead.

EILEEN

Don’t gimmee that. I thought you girls figgered the pope is head man.

OONA

One or the other. Depends on who you talk to.

EILEEN

Not if yer talkin’ t’me. Ask me, why don’tcha? I’d vote for Gary Cooper.

Oona, I know you travelled to Wexford  to see him last summer. An’ he looked like a movie star.

OONA

But not Gary Cooper. Is that what yer sayin’?

EILEEN

But “the greatest man in the world…”???

OONA

You weren’t there. You didn’t feel the excitement. You couldn’t have known.

EILEEN

True. I’m no fool. I watched it on telly at me sister’s house. An’ me da says Kennedy took orders from yer very same pope. Says that they’re building a special addition to the White House for The Pope’s personal quarters. Financed by the stupid taxpayers.

DEIRDRE

Did yer da figger that out drivin’ his lorry?

EILEEN

There’s nothin’ shameful about drivin’ a lorry. (To Oona) Least he’s not a greengrocer. (To Deirdre) Or a postman.

OONA

(To Eileen) Spoken like a true atheist. Did yer aul da tell ye that Kennedy was plannin’ to kill alla the Prots?

EILEEN

PROTESTANTS AREN’T ATHEISTS!!! TAKE THAT BACK!!!

OONA

MAKE ME!!!

They skirmish briefly. Deirdre intercedes. 

DEIRDRE

Enough. This is a solemn time.

They desist. Suddenly, Eileen starts to cry.

OONA

There’s her true colors. I hardly hit ya an’ here comes the water works.

EILEEN

I’m not cryin’ from you. I’m cryin for…Kennedy.

Deirdre and Oona look to one another.

DEIRDRE

You changed yer tune.

EILEEN

I knew he’d… been shot. I hadda steal outta the house cause I can’t cry over Jack Kennedy at home. Me da would hit the ceilin’. Give us a fag, Dee.

DEIRDRE

I stopped smokin’.

EILEEN
You just started smokin’. An’ yer stoppin’ already? That’s dumb. You wanna be some kinda weird duck? Everybody smokes.

DEIRDRE

That’s why I stopped. Plus, it stunts yer growth.

EILEEN

Well then, I’m glad I started at 13. I’m just the height I wanna be.

OONA

Christy Brady’s six-foot-five an smokes like a chimney.

DEIDRE

He’d be six-foot-ten if he didn’t smoke.

EILEEN

Who’d wanna be six-foot-ten?

DEIRDRE

Christy Brady might. Then he could go to the states and play basketball at some college.

OONA

That’s the only way Christy could get to college.

DEIDRE

His family could afford it. But he’s a thick, that one.

OONA

Dumb as a rock.

EILEEN

Sorry, Oona. I was way outta line at a time like this.

They shake hands, unenthusiastically.

EILEEN

An’ this guy they caught. His name is Oswald.

DEIRDRE

Oswald? He musta been mad at the world with a name like Oswald. He shoulda killed his parents for naming him Oswald. Why take it out on Kennedy?

EILEEN

Oswald’s his last name.

OONA

Still, it’s no reason to kill the president.

EILEEN

I gotta go home. Listen to me old man gloat. And lift another pint in praise of Oswald, The Assassin. Crikey.

OONA

That’s disgustin’ An’ no need t’leave. You just got here.

EILEEN

I tole ye’. I come out for a good cry. Besides, I hafta go t’the jacks.

OONA

You can go in the bushes. We’ll watch out for ye.

DEIRDRE

Why doesn’t yer da move to the North if he can’t stand most of his neighbors?

EILEEN

He doesn’t move north cause me mum wouldn’t go with him. Nor would I.

OONA

And where else would ye find such lovely friends as us, eh Eileen?

EILEEN

I was just cryin’, Oona and now you’re makin’ me laugh.

She smiles and exits as she lights her flashlight.

DEIRDRE

Prots aren’t atheists.

`           OONA

I know.

DEIRDRE

You still believe what Sister Agatha told us back in 3rd class.

OONA

I never listened to Sister Aggie. If I ever thought about a vocation, she put the kibosh on it.

DEIRDRE

What’s “kibosh”?

OONA

Figger it out.

DEIRDRE

You mean you thought about the convent back in 3rd class?

OONA
Well, Aggie planted that seed in me head. Didn’t you ever think about the convent?

DEIRDRE

For about five seconds. So what happened with you?

OONA

I started noticin’ boys.

DEIRDRE

I should hope so. You’ve got six brothers.

OONA

You know what I mean. I started noticin’ boys like you started noticin’ Timmy Reilly.

DEIRDRE

Nothin’s gonna come of that.

OONA

Yeah, that’s what Timmy told ye.

`           DEIRDRE

You’re a little bitch,  Oona.

OONA

So be it. I’m goin’.

DEIRDRE

You think Eileen an’ Billy—

OONA

I dunno. Could be. She’s awful pretty.

DEIRDRE

For a Prot, yeah. But she’s not as pretty as Billy is cute. He deserves better.

OONA

That’s the trouble with men. It’s always looks that matters most.

DEIRDRE

The assassination will be all over the telly.

OONA

Why can’t they just let him rest in peace?

DEIRDRE

It’s what people want. It’ll be on for days to come.

OONA

Me mum was sayin’ a rosary when I left the house.

DEIRDRE

Lotta good that’ll do Kennedy, now. Does she think prayers will bring him back to life?

OONA

She’s locked into tradition even if it makes no sense. You know our mums. They’re really prayin’ for themselves to heal. To take the pain away.

DEIRDRE

There’s no mention of the rosary in The Bible.

OONA

You’ve never read The Bible.

DEIRDRE

So what. I have it on good authority.

OONA

What good authority?

DEIRDRE

My cousin Brendan is in the sem. Studyin’ for the priesthood. He says that even the mass isn’t in The Bible.

OONA

Some priest he’ll make.

DEIRDRE

I don’t think he’ll stick it out. Father Molloy pushed him in.

OONA

Misery loves company.

DEIRDRE

I think that’s confessable talk.

OONA

Why? It’s not a curse.

DEIRDRE

True. But it sounds like you blasphemed.

OONA

So be it.

I kept me gob shut with mum. Her rosary is a habit. Leave her to her habits. No harm done. I’m goin’ right to bed. Try to kip, though it won’t be easy.

DEIRDRE

We’ll get over this.

OONA

No, Dee. We’ll never get over it. Tomorra I’m gonna write a poem about JFK’s death.

DEIRDRE

That should be fun.

OONA

It’s not meant to be fun. It will be an elegy.

DEIRDRE

What’s an elegy?

OONA

A poem for the dead.

DEIRDRE

I don’t need to hear that, then. You an’ yer poetry. It sounds pretty but none of it makes any sense. It doesn’t even rhyme.

OONA

It’s not meant to rhyme.

DEIRDRE

Then it’s not poetry. It’s just some gibberish that you call poetry. So what’s the point?

OONA

Poetry doesn’t have to rhyme to be poetry.

DEIRDRE

That sounds like an excuse from someone who can’t even rhyme “moon” with” June”.

OONA

The poems I write are exercises.

DEIRDRE

If I wanna exercise, I ride me bike.

OONA

It’s an instinctive thing with me.

DEIRDRE

Emphasis on “stink”.

Eileen reenters. Her flashlight is out.

EILEEN

Me torch went out an’ I have no batteries.

OONA

So? You know the road. You’ve walked it every day of your life. Just follow the sound of yer drunkin’ da’s cheering Kennedy’s death.

DEIRDRE

You don’t need a torch.

EILEEN

I can find my way home. But they’ll call “time” soon at the pub. Those boozers will never see me in the road without a torch. So Dee, you live just beyond me an’—

DEIDRE

I know where I live, Eileen.

(To Oona) At least we got a day off from school on Monday.

OONA

I’d rather we went to school an’ this never happened.

DEIDRE

OK, OK , Eileen. Let’s head off.

Deirdre lights her flashlight and she and Eileen head off.     

DEIRDRE

Slan (pro. Slawn), Oona.

OONA

Slan, Deirdre.

EILEEN

Slan, Oona.

OONA

Slan, Eileen.

                                                            Oona is alone now and she reflects…

OONA

(To herself) I shoulda reached out an’ touched him.

She stares straight ahead with her lighted flashlight under her chin.

OONA

(To herself, grimly comic) I’m the Grim Reaper, here to claim another one.

She exits with her flashlight beam on the road.

END OF SCENE ONE

 

 

 

 

A KIND OF MARRIAGE

E.M. Forster, the great British novelist and champion of individual liberty and responsibility lived a homosexual life concealed from the public eye. In 1931, at the age of 52, Forster takes as his lover, a young London policeman Bob Buckingham who in turn begins a passionate relationship with a young nurse, May Hockey. Forster, along with his own hidden homosexuality, is forced to face the bisexual preferences of his new lover. How Forster, Bob and May come to terms with their own affections and the sexual nature of their relationship is the fertile dramatic material of A KIND OF MARRIAGE.

EXTRACT OF THE PLAY

Characters in this extract:

MORGAN, 52, professionally known as E.M. Forster, a famous novelist.

BOB, 29, a London policeman.

MAY, 20s, a nurse at Fulham Maternity Hospital, London.

EDNA, 20s, May’s friend and fellow nurse at Fulham Maternity Hospital.

BARMAN at the Fulham Palace Road Pub.

DORA CARRINGTON, late 30s, professionally known as “Carrington,” a painter and decorative artist who lives in a ménage à trois with her husband and the author Lytton Strachey.

***

Scene 4

(From Act One: London. Summer 1931. Morgan’s bedsit flat in Brunswick Square. Mid-day. A small table is set for a simple meal for two. A neatly made double-bed to one side. BOB in his undershirt, trousers and braces, serving up a freshly made omelette on to two plates as MORGAN enters. A gramophone record is playing a Mozart Piano Sonata.)

BOB

I got the afternoon off. Come sit down and tuck in. It’s an onion omelette and I grated some cheese in it. (The gramophone Mozart record finishes playing.) You can open the tinned salmon. (HE hands MORGAN the tin of salmon and a tin opener. MORGAN struggles with the opener, dropping the tin, then the opener.)

MORGAN

Infernal gadgets. It takes a Hercules to operate this thing.

BOB

Give it to me, luv. You have no patience, Morgan. Change the record on the gramophone, will you? (BOB easily opens the tin, serving out the salmon.) Put on some of that Beethoven. The one that goes, “DEE-DEE-DEE–DUM!”

(MORGAN goes to the gramophone, lifting the needle arm off the record.)

MORGAN

Your sergeant Harry Daley was at Joe Ackerley’s this morning.

BOB

Was he then? Harry’s all right. A bit of a show-off, but all right. Tuck in, luv.

(MORGAN takes his place at table with BOB. THEY eat.) 

MORGAN

He was talking rubbish about you. I worry about what he might be saying at the station house.

BOB

I wouldn’t mind much about Harry. He’s a sort of licensed lunatic. That, at least, is the way I take him. Now eat your omelette. I’ve been listening to that Mozart fellow on the gramophone. He uses a lot of notes, doesn’t he?

MORGAN

A lot of notes. Yes. Quite a few.

BOB

Just think of all those notes going round in his head. I guess that’s why he had to write them down.

MORGAN

Writing them down helps.

BOB

To get them out of his head. Otherwise he’d have to be carryin’ them around in his brain all the time. Like I’m trying to memorise these manual regulations for the police sergeant’s examination. I tell you!

MORGAN

You are a dear, Bob. Sometimes I think I enjoy showing you off. Like some sort of trophy. Is that shameful of me?

BOB

You’ve won me, Morgan. Completely. “Notice to All: Constable Buckingham is owned by E.M. Forster. Please do not interfere!”

MORGAN

Please don’t talk about “owning.” It makes me nervous. 

BOB

It’s all right. We don’t have to talk about it.

MORGAN

You are so extraordinarily understanding.

BOB

Not as understanding as May. But you’ll find that out soon for yourself. She’s keen to meet you.

MORGAN

An occasion, the anticipation of which, I do not relish.

BOB

You mean you don’t want to. You could say it right out. You don’t have to say it with the words twisted all ‘round.

MORGAN

I didn’t say I didn’t want to. What I said was that I wasn’t looking forward to it. I have certain trepidations. Fears. About our meeting.

BOB

Fears? Then you should say so, straight out.

MORGAN

In summary, my dear Bob, at present, she is, as you say, “keen” to meet me, but one knows all too well how it will end.

BOB

You might be surprised. You’ll like May. She’s no-nonsense. Don’t go in for make-up and silly clothes. And a nice sense of humour.

MORGAN

Always good for a giggle, is she? 

BOB

She doesn’t hold with all that religion and sentimental woman stuff. A regular chum of a girl, who’s rather nice-looking, too.

MORGAN

I’m not the one to judge about that.

BOB

You will be. You have a bit of egg in your moustache. (HE dabs it away with his napkin.)

MORGAN

Don’t fuss me.

BOB

You want taking care of and I intend to do an awfully good job of it.

MORGAN

As you do. (Pause.) Does she know about us?

BOB

That’s our business. It has nothing to do with May. (HE finishes his meal, gets up, taking his plate to the side.) This place needs a good sweep. (HE takes up a broom from the corner.) Feet up, please.

(MORGAN lifts his feet. BOB sweeps under them.)

MORGAN

Bob, you should know that I don’t intend to give up any of my rights, either to your affections or your time to this woman.

BOB

MAY. Her name is May, and speaking of rights, I’ve something else here. (From his trouser pocket, he takes out a small ring box, opening it). I picked it up in a little pawnshop just off Hammersmith Grove. It’s real gold.

MORGAN

I’m sure May will like it.

BOB

It’s for you! A gentleman’s little ring. Give me your hand. The left one, please. (HE slips the ring on MORGAN’S little finger.) Let this be our pledge, Morgan. We are an “us” now. (HE crooks his own little finger around MORGAN’S ringed finger, holding tight.) Say it. US.

MORGAN

Us.

BOB

We’re together now, nothing else matters. It’s a chance in a million, we’ve found each other, Morgan. I’d do anything for you, even die for you if I had to.

MORGAN

Please don’t say such things. (HE starts to pull his hand away, BOB holds fast.)

BOB

From this moment. In true faithfulness, we are! I want you to wear this ring and never take it off.

(MORGAN twists the little ring uncomfortably on his little finger.)

MORGAN

It will take some getting used to.

BOB

Give us a kiss. (HE takes MORGAN’S face gently in his hands, and kisses him on the lips.) No backing out now, luv. That seals it.

(BOB puts the broom away and undoes his braces, undoing his trousers.) 

BOB (Cont’d)

Now put on that Beethoven and come to bed. It’s time I had my German lesson, Herr Professor. (HE steps out of his trousers and his underpants, getting into bed naked except for his undershirt.) “DEE-DEE-DEE– DUM! DEE-DEE-DEE–DUM!”

(MORGAN goes to the gramophone, taking a record out of sleeve, putting on Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony.)

MORGAN

I do believe Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony is the most sublime noise that has ever penetrated into the ear of man. As for your May, I’m sure she shall have all she wants, but I can still deny her my company.

BOB

Sprechen Sie Deutsch, please!

(MORGAN moves to the bed, standing at the side. BOB loosens MORGAN’S tie and collar, unbuttoning his shirt, undoing the belt of his trousers.)

MORGAN

“What is the fare to Berlin?” Was kostet die Fahrt nach Berlin?

BOB

(helping MORGAN undress, repeating)

Was kostet die Fahrt nach Berlin?

MORGAN

“I’d like a room with a double bed.” Ich möchte ein Zimmer mit Doppelbett.

BOB

Ich möchte ein Zimmer mit Doppelbett!

MORGAN

Sehr gut, mein Schüler!

(BOB pulls back the sheet, welcoming MORGAN into bed.)

BOB

Kommen sie hier, Herr Professor.

(MORGAN, still in his undershirt, steps out of his trousers, getting into bed. BOB draws MORGAN to him, kissing him tenderly, as the lights fade.

The Beethoven on the gramophone crossfades to the tinny sound of–

A popular dance band tune plays, Jack Hylton & his Orchestra, “Life Begins At Oxford Circus.”)

Scene 5

(A corner table in a working class-pub in Fulham Palace Road near May’s Fulham Maternity Hospital. Late afternoon. Dirty glass windows and faded lace curtains hung at the windows. MAY sits with her friend EDNA, 20s. Both are dressed in their nursing uniforms.

To one side, a BARMAN stands behind a bar, polishing glasses.)

EDNA

I brought my autograph book. Do you think he’ll mind?

MAY

I’m sure he’s used to it. 

EDNA

I got John Gielgud at the Old Vic last month. Oh, he was lovely! And Gertie Lawrence signed it at the Adelphi stage door for me. I don’t have any famous authors yet.

BARMAN

Excuse me, Ladies? Can I get your anything?

MAY

No thank you. We’re waiting.

EDNA

For the gentlemen.

BARMAN

Ah. The gentlemen. Right. (BARMAN turns brusquely away and exits.)

MAY

Mr. Forster is very accommodating. So I understand.

EDNA

Aren’t you nervous? I mean meeting him for the first time?

MAY

I’m not keen. But it’s important to Robert. That I meet him.

EDNA

It’s so lovely that he’s Robert’s friend. I guess a policeman meets all sorts of famous people in his line of work. Not like us. Nobody famous comes to have their babies at Fulham Maternity.

MAY

Maybe they decided not to come.

EDNA

I’m sure they’ll be here. Your Robert is the reliable sort. Meeting you at the hospital after your shift to walk you home. I wish I could get my Freddie to do that.

(BOB in his constable uniform, his helmet under his arm, enters with MORGAN in a rumpled, ill-fitting suit and an old tweed cap.)

BOB

Here they are. Hullo, Girls!

MORGAN

(Removing his cap, a slight awkward inclination to the ladies)

Good afternoon, Ladies.

(EDNA gets quickly to her feet, tugging at MAY)

EDNA

May! Up!

BOB

May and Edna, this is Mr. Forster. Morgan, this is my friend May and her friend–

EDNA

Edna. EDNA PICKLES. I know it’s a terrible name. But that’s who I am.

MORGAN

I think it is a charming name, Miss Pickles.

MAY

(Offering her hand directly to MORGAN)

Hullo, I’m May Hockey.

(MORGAN takes her hand, awkwardly.)

MORGAN

Yes. May.

EDNA

HOCKEY. And don’t ask her if she plays, ‘cause she don’t!

MORGAN

No.

MAY

I’m a nurse at the Fulham Maternity Hospital around the corner. I’m sure Robert has told you.

MORGAN

Yes. Bob has.

EDNA

We both are. Mothers and babies are our business! (A nervous laugh.) Sorry.

MAY

We’ve only a short time before our shift starts.

BOB

Come sit down, Morgan. What are you drinking, Girls?

MAY

Only ginger beer for me, Robert. We’re on duty at four.

EDNA

Ginger beer for me as well, I suppose. Have they got any pork scratchings? A couple of packets would be lovely.

MAY

For goodness sakes, Edna, but you just had your lunch.

EDNA

But I like pork scratchings.

BOB

You can have whatever you want. Morgan?

MORGAN

Please. Everyone. Have whatever you like.

EDNA

You’re certainly the kind of gentleman I like to spend time with, Mr. Forster! There, I’ve said it! I always say, “Honesty is the best policy.”

MORGAN

I favour reciprocal dishonesty, myself.

EDNA

Oh, my. Whatever can that mean?

MAY

A literary turn of phrase.

BOB

I’ll have a ginger beer, too. Morgan?

MORGAN

Yes, a ginger beer is fine, Bob.

BOB

All right. Ginger beers all around. 

(HE steps away to the bar to order the drinks from the BARMAN.

EDNA calls after BOB.)

EDNA

And a packet of pork scratchings!

(Pause. EDNA, MORGAN, and MAY sit silently at the table, while BOB gets the drinks.)

MAY

I read your novel.

MORGAN

Have you? Which one was that?

MAY

A Passage to India.

MORGAN

I hope you enjoyed it.

MAY

Adela should have told the truth. It would have saved a lot of trouble.

MORGAN

But trouble is the whole point of fiction.

MAY

But not in life.

EDNA

I can’t believe this is happening. Sittin’ right here with a famous author. Wait until I tell Freddie. Oh, before I forget, Mr. Forster, could you sign my book? I’ve never had an author before.

MORGAN

Certainly. Do you have a pen?

EDNA

Just a pencil.

MAY

Here, use mine. (Taking a pen from her uniform pocket, handing it to MORGAN.)

MORGAN

Thank you, Nurse Hockey. 

MAY

May. Just May.

MORGAN

Of course. May. How shall I inscribe it, Miss Pickles?

EDNA

Write, “To Edna, who brings new life into the world.”

MORGAN

Yes. New life. I rather like that. (HE begins to write.) “To Edna, who brings new life—” (completing the inscription in silence)

BOB

Here we are, Everybody. (Returning with four bottles of ginger beer, glasses, and the packet of pork scratchings, setting them on the table.) You’d think this was the Café Royal, the way the barman put his nose up.

EDNA

Have you been to the Café Royal? Golly.

MORGAN

Everyone enjoys Bob’s stories about his work.

MAY

Crime and passion amongst the working classes, is it?

MORGAN

In a way, yes. A window to a very different world.

EDNA

Well, somebody needs to give a good wash to these windows. Not much crime and passion to be seen through this one! I guess I’ve gone a bit literary on you, Mr. Forster. It must be catching!

MORGAN

It’s a very good turn of phrase, Miss Pickles. What’s this? (HE picks up a beer mat, reading it.) “ONLY WORTHINGTON BEST BITTER SERVED HERE.”

MAY

What a pity. When you haven’t got the ‘bob and ask for the BETTER instead.

(MORGAN bursts out in a spontaneous guffaw of laughter.)

MORGAN

HA! YES! Haven’t got the ‘bob, the BETTER BITTER instead! Indeed!

(BOB and EDNA join in the laughter.)

BOB

The BETTER BITTER!

EDNA

Indeed! I’ll have a pint of the BETTER, Mate!

MAY

But it is the “BEST BITTER SERVED,” after all. Good value there. (SHE replaces the beer mat on the table, with a smile to MORGAN, who returns her smile, uncertainly.)

BOB

It’s nice to see everyone getting along.

(A moment’s awkward pause.)

MAY

Robert tells me you’ve asked him on a motoring tour for his holiday week?

MORGAN

Yes. I thought he might enjoy seeing the West Country. 

EDNA

Oh, the West Country! That’ll be lovely.

BOB

I’ve never seen the West Country. Never seen much of the any country, for that matter. When I was a kid, the Council used to herd us all on to a bus and take us up to Hampstead Heath. Potted meat sandwiches. But that was about as much of the country I ever saw.

MORGAN

I’ve bought a car. I need a driver. I don’t drive myself.

MAY

That must be difficult. Having a car. When you don’t drive.

(A pause.)

MORGAN

Difficult. Yes. It’s second-hand. The car.

BOB

An old Essex, a real beauty.

MORGAN

I don’t really know about motors. I’m leaving all that to Robert.

EDNA

A nice motoring holiday. It’s a shame May can’t get away to go with you.

MORGAN

Yes. (Pause.) It is.

MAY

I’m afraid we have to cut this short.

EDNA

Oh, May, don’t be such a wet blanket. You’re not Matron yet. Matron’s always putting the damper on a bit of fun.

MAY

We need to check with Matron about the fresh surgical supplies before the shift starts. And you, Robert, need to get back to the station. It’s nearly Four.

BOB

It’s all right, May. Morgan cleared it with my Sergeant.

MORGAN

I cleared it.

EDNA

We’ve got time, May, I already checked the supply cupboard—(a kick under the table, a look from MAY) Oh, right, we need to check those supplies. (To BOB.) The drinks were lovely, Robert. It’s a shame we didn’t touch the scratchings. No need to waste. (SHE puts the packet of scratchings into her handbag.) I’ll save them for my tea.

MORGAN

Please do, Miss Pickles. No need to waste.

EDNA

It’s been such a pleasure, Mr. Forster.

MORGAN

It’s been mutual, Miss Pickles.

EDNA

I’ve got to get back to the babies. I love my job. I really do. I love babies.

MORGAN

You must, Miss Pickles. Babies are the meaning of everything.

EDNA

Yes, yes, they are, aren’t they? Do you have children, Mr. Forster?

MORGAN

No. I’m not married.

EDNA

Well, if I may say so, you’d be quite a catch.

MAY

Edna, you go on ahead. I need a word with Robert.

EDNA

Yes, Matron! (A little salute.)

MORGAN

I’ll be off then. Drinks are my treat.

EDNA

It’s oh, so good of you, Mr. Forster!

MAY

Yes, so very. But we’d rather pay. (Taking up her handbag.)

BOB

May, put that away! This is Morgan’s treat!

MORGAN

I always say money’s a thing to use, if you’ve got it.

EDNA

Oh, Mr Forster, do walk me back! We can talk about babies.

MORGAN

Yes, babies. Good afternoon, Miss Hockey. It’s been most pleasant meeting Robert’s friends.

MAY

And most pleasant meeting you, Mr. Forster.

BOB

(To MORGAN.)

I’ll be just a moment with May, if that’s all right.

MORGAN

Of course. I’ll see Nurse Pickles to the hospital. BARMAN?

(EDNA links her arm in MORGAN’S as THEY exit.)

EDNA

You really ought to have babies of your own, Mr. Forster. (Exiting.)

BOB

He likes to pay. He really does.

MAY

I can see that.

BOB

I thought that went well. Except for you wanting to pay.

MAY

We mustn’t take advantage, Robert.

BOB

No. We mustn’t. (Pause.) So what do you think?

MAY

He has beautiful hands. It’s always the first thing I notice. But more importantly, I think your Mr. Forster cares very much for you.

BOB

He’s a good person, May. I told you. He knows so much and he’s been everywhere. He wants me to better myself, May.

MAY

I’m sure he does. (Pause.) Do you think there’s room for me?

BOB

Room for you? What do you mean?

MAY

In your friendship.

BOB

I love you, May. You know that.

MAY

And I love you, Robert. You are such a good, good man. Maybe that’s what Mr. Forster sees in you. Just be careful, Robert.

BOB

Careful? Careful of what? Morgan sees the good in everyone.

MAY

Does he? Then I hope he sees the good in me.

BOB

He will, luv. Just give him time.

MAY

“Time’s winged chariot,” Robert.

(BOB leans in and kisses her cheek.)

BOB

You are a wonder, May Hockey. It’s a miracle I found you.

MAY

Little miracles seem to be happening all around. Here we are, two quite ordinary people and we can say the famous E.M. Forster is our friend.

BOB

He is, May. Morgan is the best of people.

(MAY leans in, kissing him.)

BOB (Cont’d)

What was that for?

MAY

Because you are a sweet, loving, believing person.

BOB

And you’re not?

MAY

No, I don’t think I am. Not in the normal way. I think what I believe in most is people–and what they have between them. That seems to be a more reliable belief than a belief in God.

BOB

That’s funny. That’s what Morgan says.

MAY

Does he?

BOB

Maybe you’re more alike than you think.

MAY

Maybe. We shall see.

BOB

Good ol’ May! Do you want to come ‘round the flat after your shift? Morgan’s going back to Surrey to see his Mum.

MAY

I’m on night duty. I’d better be getting back with Edna.

BOB

But you do like him, don’t you, May? It’s important to me. I want you to like him.

MAY

Yes, I like him, Robert. More than I thought I would. More than I wanted to, actually. (SHE gets up to leave.)

BOB

Thursday, then?

MAY

Thursday then. 

(SHE kisses him again and exits.

BOB drinks from his ginger beer, picks up the beer mat, reading aloud.)

BOB

“—Best Bitter, Better Bitter.” HA! (Raising a hand, signaling the BARMAN.) Make it a large whiskey, mate! (The lights fade.)

Scene 6

(Dora Carrington’s painting studio Ham Spray House, Wiltshire. A late summer afternoon. CARRINGTON, late 30s, in paint-dappled man’s shirt, trousers, boyish haircut, stands at a paint easel, painting a portrait of MORGAN. MORGAN sits posed awkwardly in a chair opposite.)

CARRINGTON

You are looking quite the old grump this afternoon. Confess, Morgan. What’s troubling you? 

MORGAN

People are becoming increasingly irritating and exhausting, Carrington. I am losing patience with human beings and their personal relations.

CARRINGTON

A serious handicap for a novelist. Perhaps you should consider a change of profession. You might take up a professorship somewhere. Professors, in my experience, have little interest in human beings or personal relations.

MORGAN

I am not joking.

CARRINGTON

Neither am I. Do sit still, Morgan, and stop fidgeting. And kindly sit up, you look like a sack of potatoes.

MORGAN

I hate posing. Can’t you take a photograph and work from that?

CARRINGTON

NO. I want to capture the “LIFE” in you, Morgan! And stop clutching your left hand like that. You look like a nervous schoolgirl called before the Headmistress.

MORGAN

Please don’t boss me. (HE releases his hand.) Women and their rights have got quite out of hand, Carrington.

CARRINGTON

Have we? How inconvenient.

MORGAN

If women ever wanted to be by themselves all would be well. But I don’t believe they ever want to be. Their instinct is never to let men be by themselves.

CARRINGTON

AH! The Destruction of Club Life! We women will not rest until it is complete. Storm the Athenaeum! Deal me in at Boodles! Whiskey and cigars all around! We want to get in everywhere, Morgan, and we will.

MORGAN

You actually believe that.

CARRINGTON

My dear Morgan, a man can run away from women, turn them out, or give in to them. No fourth course exists. (Pause.) So what’s she like? The girlfriend? Pretty?

MORGAN

No, rather ordinary. Doesn’t wear make-up or lipstick. Very direct in her manner.

CARRINGTON

Ah. Mannish, you mean?

MORGAN

Not at all. A round face. But a softness to it. She looks directly at one. But she does have a rather irritating voice.

CARRINGTON

How so?

MORGAN

It’s not the voice. It’s the manner. Rather too authoritative.

CARRINGTON

Well, you said she was nurse. She’s used to giving orders.

MORGAN

It’s very off-putting. Especially in regards to Bob.

CARRINGTON

Unnerving that, I suppose. Considering the circumstances. Does she know that Policeman Bob is sleeping with you?

MORGAN

No, I don’t think so. Bob would have told me. No, our meeting was all very cordial and civilized, if rather chilly.

CARRINGTON

Well, it is a beginning. It all might sort itself out quite tidily. You, your sweetie, and his nurse friend.

MORGAN

Sort itself out? If you’re implying a ménage à trois arrangement, Carrington, I will have none of your triangular relationship business.

CARRINGTON

It’s quite practical and satisfying, actually. It solves a lot of problems. Ralph loves me, I love Lytton, and Lytton loves Ralph. I want to have sex with Lytton, which doesn’t suit him, but he has sex with Ralph and Ralph has sex with me. So it all balances out, doesn’t it? One must take people as they are, Morgan, and work from there. The only requirement is a fairly large and sturdy bed.

MORGAN

Please, Carrington, spare me the details.

CARRINGTON

Don’t shut your mind to it, Morgan. You might find a way to sort it all out. Triangularly speaking.

MORGAN

I could never be with a woman in that way.

CARRINGTON

Oh, rubbish! With your Policeman Bob to urge you on!

(BOB enters in rolled shirtsleeves, grease-stained, wiping his hands on a greased and oil-stained cloth.)

BOB

The ol’ girl should be humming nicely now. I cleaned up the carburettor and the spark plugs and adjusted the fan belt.

CARRINGTON

Whatever those are. Morgan, why don’t you buy yourself a new car and make Bob your chauffeur, with a smart cap and spiffy uniform, and not have all this motor engine annoyance? You can afford it.

BOB

Oh, no, Ma’am. It’s part of the fun, fixing up and taking care of the old Essex. A new car wouldn’t be nearly as much.

CARRINGTON

Spoken like a born mechanic, Constable.

BOB

I’m sure it’s no problem but, your husband Mr. Carrington and the bearded gentleman are sunbathing naked in the front garden.

CARRINGTON

There is no Mr. Carrington, Bob. You mean, Ralph and Mr. Strachey. And not to worry–the hedgerow is quite high. We will not frighten any bicycling spinsters or holiday motorists.

BOB

Mr. Strachey is lying in your husband’s arms. Awfully private business to be doing in public, don’t you think?

CARRINGTON

Was Mr. Strachey lying beard up or beard down?

BOB

Beard down I think.

CARRINGTON

Then he will have a very burnt bottom tonight. Morgan, your turn.

MORGAN

It’s all right, Bob. Mr. Strachey is a very close friend.

BOB

Oh. Then it’s all right then. Good mates, are they?

CARRINGTON

We are all good mates here at Ham Spray House.

BOB

Miss Carrington, I was wondering–

MORGAN

Just “Carrington,” Bob. She prefers it.

BOB

Sorry. Carrington, you wouldn’t have an extra can of petrol you could spare? I hate for us to be caught short crossing the Downs.

CARRINGTON

I believe there are several cans in the shed. You’re welcome to them.

BOB

Thank you, Ma’am. How’s the picture coming? May I see?

CARRINGTON

Only if you understand it’s not finished.

BOB

All right. (HE looks at the painting.) Oh, very good. I think you’ve got him to the life. One thing, tho’.

CARRINGTON

ONE thing?

BOB

The little gold ring on his left little finger. You missed that. It would be nice to get that in.

CARRINGTON

Oh. Right. Didn’t catch that. Morgan, you were clutching that hand, but now I see it quite clearly. (SHE dabs at the canvas.)

BOB

You’ve got it now, Miss Carrington. I mean–Carrington.

CARRINGTON

Thank you, Buckingham!

BOB

Buckingham? Oh, right! Ha!

MORGAN

When can I see it, Carrington?

CARRINGTON

Not until it’s finished. I don’t ask to read your stories before you’ve finished them, do I?

BOB

Don’t worry, Morgan’s not writing anything now.

MORGAN

No. Not now.

BOB

Let me get the petrol in the tank and clean up a bit, and we’re ready to go, Morgan. Are you ready?

MORGAN

If the sitting is over. 

CARRINGTON

Yes, the muse has moved on. To the pottery wheel! You have a good eye, Policeman Bob.

BOB

Thank you, Ma’am. Give me ten minutes to clean up, Morgan, and I’ll be out in the car. It’s been good meeting you, Carrington–and thanks for the beer. Ten minutes, Morgan. Let me change this shirt. (HE removes his shirt, exiting.)

MORGAN

We are so completely unalike–Bob and I.

CARRINGTON

Ah, but that’s the beauty of it, don’t you see? That you found each other. Policeman Bob is the man for you, Morgan.

MORGAN

You’re not just saying that?

CARRINGTON

Your Policeman is charming and extremely attractive to look at, if I may say so–and quite easy to get on with.

MORGAN

I’m glad you like him. I am so very proud of the lad.

CARRINGTON

As well you should be. He’s lovely and he loves you, Morgan. Anyone can see that. If he wasn’t so gone on you, I might try to steal him.

MORGAN

Is it that obvious?

CARRINGTON

You are a great baby sometimes.

MORGAN

I know it’s not the customary thing. For a young man and a man of my years.

CARRINGTON

I suppose you must find the love of Policeman Bob a bit overwhelming.

MORGAN

It is unsettling. Especially the situation. The woman and all. Love can get so awfully complicated.

CARRINGTON

Welcome to the human race, Morgan. (SHE kisses MORGAN tenderly on the cheek.) Don’t worry, these things have a way of sorting themselves out.

MORGAN

Let me know when the portrait is finished. Or if you want another sitting.

CARRINGTON

(Looking at her canvas.)

No. I think I’ve got you now. As your Bob says, “to the life.”

MORGAN

All right then. Say good-bye to Ralph and Strachey for me. I shan’t disturb their sunbathing. (As MORGAN is about to exit.)

CARRINGTON

If I might say, you ought to screw your courage to the sticking place and live your life as you really want to. Isn’t that what you advocate for your characters in your novels? The courage to live honestly as one wishes?

MORGAN

An easy position to support in fiction, but real life can be an entirely different matter.

CARRINGTON

But not impossible, I dare say, if I am any example. Give it a go, Guv’ner.

MORGAN

I haven’t your moral courage, Carrington, when it comes to these sexual matters. Your public daring, dear girl, has always been a wonder to me.

CARRINGTON

Pushing the boundaries, am I?

MORGAN

Fearlessly, my dear.

CARRINGTON

I’ll take that as a compliment. Talking of the real world, Forster, it is a curious thing, isn’t it?

MORGAN

What is?

CARRINGTON

That more female writers don’t have affairs with female policewomen.

MORGAN

Oh, but they do, Carrington, only not in your section of Wiltshire. You should talk to the Mitford Sisters. (HE exits as CARRINGTON picks up her easel.)

CARRINGTON

Motion carried. Time to throw a few pots. 

(Exits.

MORGAN slips a black mourning band on his coat sleeve as HE crosses to.) 

Scene 7

(Evening, August 1932. A year later. A first-class carriage compartment of the Great Western Main Line, Hungerford to Paddington Station train. MORGAN takes a seat opposite BOB. Sound of a train in transit. THEY sit facing one another, each with a black mourning band on his coat sleeve. The clicking sound of the train wheels on track. PAUSE. Then.)

MORGAN

What time is it?

BOB 

(Checking his wristwatch.)

Eight-Forty-Eight. Do you want me to stay over at the flat tonight?

MORGAN

No. No, not tonight. I’d rather be alone. It’s been a horrible year, Bob. Today has brought it all back. What possible horror could be coming next?

BOB

I always say guns should not be in the hands of the Public. Especially women.

MORGAN

I can’t believe they are both gone. I thought Carrington came through Strachey’s death so well, joking about us all going out on a jolly pheasant shoot together.

BOB

I remember him saying, “If this is dying, I don’t think much of it.” He made me laugh.

MORGAN

He was so cheerful and clear-minded up to the very end. Stomach cancer be damned.

BOB

She must have loved Mr. Strachey very much. I suppose her husband wasn’t enough.

MORGAN

What?

BOB

The gentleman she was married to. Ralph.

MORGAN

No, Ralph wasn’t enough. In the usual way.

BOB

She loved them both, I think. But in very different ways.

MORGAN

Yes. Very different ways.

BOB

I can see that.

MORGAN

The main difference being that she could not go on living without Strachey.

BOB

May says it can happen like that. In hospital. When one person in the marriage dies, the other won’t go on living without them, and dies soon after. Of course, Miss Carrington wasn’t married to Mr. Strachey. She had Ralph. But you can never be sure with the way love works, can you?

MORGAN

(Vaguely, looking out the darkened train window)

No, never sure.

(Pause.)

BOB

It was a funny sort of memorial. Us scattering her ashes under the laurel bush in her garden and that dance band record playin’ on the gramophone, “TOOT-TOOT-TOOTSIE, GOOD-BYE.” She had a sense of humour, Miss Carrington did.

MORGAN

A rare and gifted artist, Bob. The best of all possible women friends. We shall not see her like again. (HE starts to break down, BOB comforts him.)

BOB

Easy now, luv. Easy.

MORGAN

I don’t have the courage to live as bravely as she would have me do. I feel such shame, Bob. I am not the man Carrington believed me to be. I have failed her and now I don’t know how I shall survive her death. I really don’t.

BOB

(Taking MORGAN’S hand.)

There’s love, Morgan. And life. And beautiful babies coming into the world. Like you said, when you met Edna and May, remember last summer? “Babies are the meaning of everything.”

MORGAN

Did I? Well, it must have been in the context of the conversation.

BOB

There’s new life coming, Morgan. May is pregnant.

MORGAN

Pregnant? She’s a nurse, for Godsakes! Doesn’t she know about birth control?

BOB

She’s going to have my baby. I’m going to marry her, Morgan.

MORGAN

You don’t have to marry her. She can go away somewhere and have it quietly. How much money does she want? We’ll give her all the money she wants.

BOB

You talk too much about money. May doesn’t want anything. She doesn’t even want to marry me.

MORGAN

Thank God for that. At least she shows some sense.

BOB

But I want to. I want to marry May and have our baby. I want a family of my own, Morgan. I never had a family. Never had a father to speak of. I want to be a good husband and father and have a family life.

MORGAN

But that’s no reason to throw your life away on this woman.

BOB

I want to be with her, Morgan. May’s a good woman. I want to marry her and make a home for our baby.

MORGAN

I will not discuss this. I have tolerated the presence of this woman in our lives for the past year. But this is the end of it. This is a closed topic. I need a drink. I’m going to the buffet car.

BOB

Sit down, Morgan.

MORGAN

What?

BOB

I love her and I love the child that’s growing inside of her.

MORGAN

And where do I fit into this cozy family picture?

BOB

I want you to love them as I do.

MORGAN

This is madness.

BOB

No, this is love, Morgan. What you taught me. You know I will never love anyone like I love you. Nothing can change that.

MORGAN

And May and her wee bairn?

BOB

They are a part of me now. Can’t you love them with me?

MORGAN

I think what you are asking is outrageous and unnatural.

BOB

I’m sorry you feel that way. It’s already set. We’ve booked a date at the registry office.

MORGAN

At least it’s not a church wedding. That would be a travesty.

BOB

May doesn’t hold with that religion stuff. It’s what she wants–and we want you to witness it. Give me your hand. 

MORGAN

What for?

(BOB takes MORGAN’S hand and wraps his own left little finger around MORGAN’S ringed left little finger.)

BOB

We are bound for life, Morgan.

MORGAN

But I certainly hope NOT for the wedding night.

(BOB bursts out laughing, and MORGAN in spite of himself, laughs.)

BOB

Will you try? Say you’ll try.

(MORGAN takes BOB’S hand in his kissing it, pressing it to his cheek.)

MORGAN

Oh, my boy, my precious boy. Yes, I’ll try. I will try.

(BOB put his hand gently to MORGAN’S head, smoothing his hair.)

BOB

Shhh, shhh, luv. My Morgan. 

(HE kisses the top of MORGAN’S head.

The lights fade.

A recording of Lohengrin’s Wedding March is heard as–)

END OF EXTRACT. 

KHALASS (ENOUGH)

Characters: Sara–American woman, 20-40 years old. Khalid-Egyptian man, 20-40 years old

Setting: The top of the great pyramid of Egypt. Full moon.

Time: Night.

(Night. Full moon. On top of the Great Pyramid of Egypt. Spooky and beautiful at the same time. The top of the pyramid is an uneven surface of worn stone blocks, forming two or three playing levels. The surface area on top is larger than one would think. Many of the stones are covered in graffiti. A moment of moonlit peaceful silence, then Sara emerges, climbing up over the edge to the top. Out of breath, she looks around, realizes she’s made it, raises her arms in victory!)

SARA

(In a loud whisper…)

YES!

(Spins around gleefully.)

YES! Awesome! Been there! Done that!

(She checks the view from front of stage.)

My God!… Check… this… out!!

(She rushes back to where she first appeared, loud whisper over edge…)

Cal! Come on! This place is incredible! (Pause.) Cal? Where are you? Cal!

KHALID

Quiet! They will hear you!

SARA

What’s wrong?

KHALID

I’m taking a rest. 

SARA

You’re not still scared?

KHALID

No, I’m not still scared.

SARA

Then come on. I’m on the top. 

KHALID

I’m more scared.

SARA

Come on. Only six more feet and you can say you’ve done it. 

KHALID

Up. Only six more feet up but how many feet down?

SARA

Hand me the backpack.

(She pulls up the backpack.)

Ok, now grab here and put your foot in that crack. 

KHALID

Show the flashlight. 

SARA

We can’t. They’ll see us.

KHALID

Maybe they will rescue me.

SARA

You big weenie. 

KHALID

Weenie… what is this?

SARA

(Sara lies down, reaching over.) 

Give me your hand… ok, put your foot there… left, left. No! Right foot but move it left. Got it?

KHALID

Yadi el nila ana eih kan gabne fi el hebaba di! [Oh shit, what the hell am I doing in this mess?!]

SARA

What?!

KHALID

My new jeans! They are cut open.

SARA

Oh my god, we’re all gonna die! Ok, come on, one, two, three… heave!

(He comes sprawling over the edge onto the top. Lies stunned, afraid to move.)

You did it! See, no problem. Check it out. Amazing! Ladies and Gentlemen, you’ve read about it. You’ve seen it on TV. You are now, in fact, standing atop one of the Seven Wonders of the World… The Great Pyramid of Egypt. 

KHALID

How are we going to get down? 

SARA

Open your eyes. 

KHALID

Everybody says going down is even worse. 

SARA

Come on, get up or… (Tickles him.)… Gootchy-gootchy-gootchy… 

KHALID

Ok, ok, stop it. Don’t fool around like this! 

SARA

Gootchy, gootchy! 

KHALID

It’s dangerous! 

SARA

Look how far you can see.

(She opens backpack, takes out water bottle, tangerines, chocolate. Khalid looks down.) 

KHALID

Oh my God! 

SARA

I told you! You can practically see all of Cairo. The stars look so close.  

KHALID

The ground looks so far.

SARA

Ohhh… Do you want me to hold your little hand. 

KHALID

People fall off here every year. 

SARA

Come over here. I’ve got chocolaaate! 

KHALID

You don’t know. They do! Crazy fools… like us. Dead! 

SARA

It’s magical up here. 

KHALID

Backs broken. Heads open. Ha tilai’i emkhakh fi khul hetta. [You’ll find brains everywhere.] 

SARA

Quiet. 

KHALID

The government covers this up so it won’t frighten tourists. I’m Egyptian so I know these things. Smashed like bugs. 

SARA

Ssshhh! Listen… 

KHALID

(Jumps up scared.)  

What? What?!

(Stumbles.)

Oww, oww!

SARA

Listen! 

KHALID

(Pause, whispers…) 

I don’t hear anything! 

SARA

Beautiful, isn’t it? The music of the stars. 

KHALID

My God… I’ve twisted my ankle. 

SARA

Look at that moon… it’s huge! 

KHALID

They’re going to have to send a helicopter to bring us from here. We’ll be arrested, then fired. Maybe they will cancel the film crew’s permit for the pyramids or maybe for all of Egypt. How would you like this? The whole film crew kicked out of Egypt because we break the rules. 

SARA

Come on, enjoy the moment. 

KHALID

Look at the moon, listen to the stars! Do you think I’m enjoying this damn moment? 

SARA

Doesn’t it make you want to kiss? 

KHALID

(Dead stop.) You are serious? 

SARA

(She nods. He leans in and is just about to kiss her when she jumps away, prepares to flee.)

But first you gotta catch me! 

KHALID

Oh my God.

(He gives up and slumps down.)

SARA

Come on! Let’s play scarab, scarab, who’s got the scarab! I’ll be Cleopatra and you be King Tut.

KHALID

They were from different centuries.

SARA

You’re from a different century. 

KHALID

I’m not going to chase you around the top of the pyramid! It’s dangerous. 

SARA

You chased me all the way up here. 

KHALID

I didn’t chase you. 

SARA

What do you call it? 

KHALID

I volunteered to help you. 

SARA

You’re afraid of heights. 

KHALID

So? 

SARA

I practically had to carry you. 

KHALID

I’m sorry you feel this way. 

SARA

Admit it, you’re attracted to me so you did the macho thing and followed me up here. 

KHALID

(Examining the embarrassing hole in the crotch of his jeans.)

These are real Levis! My cousin brings them all the way from China! 

SARA

You probably figured you get me up here all alone, a full moon, a million stars, a loose American woman.

(She leans over to get a playful look at the hole in his jeans.) 

KHALID

Don’t look!  

SARA

“Come with me to ze Casbah, where we will make beautiful music together.” 

KHALID

(Pause.) What is this Casbah? 

SARA

You’ve never heard of the Casbah? 

KHALID

It is for music? 

SARA

The Casbah is where you’re supposed to take me on your magic carpet to kiss me, ravish me, make me wear see-through silky things and write bad checks. 

KHALID

Wait, maybe I know it. In the Cairo Trade Center? 

SARA

I’m devastated. Don’t you ever watch cartoons? Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves? Flying carpets! Men with big mustaches and long curvy knives shouting, “open sesame” and sweeping women off to their harems! 

KHALID

Maybe this is Yemen. 

SARA

And what about Anthony and Cleopatra? My god! They probably stood right here! And the English Patient? This is supposed to be the land of mystery and romance!  

KHALID

I like this movie very much, the English Patient. 

SARA

And you’re telling me that my life-long romantic fantasy is just another urban myth. 

KHALID

Sorry? I don’t understand. 

SARA

Well at least you chased me up the Great Pyramid. How many women can say that? 

KHALID

I didn’t chase you. 

]SARA

So, you’re saying you don’t want to kiss me? 

KHALID

(Pause.) 

Of course, I want to kiss you. 

SARA

See! 

KHALID

But that isn’t why I climb here. 

SARA

And I was getting all weak in the knees. 

KHALID

You laugh at me. I am a joke, yes? 

SARA

I didn’t say that.

KHALID

Yanni, because I am afraid. You make fun of me. 

SARA

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to rag on you. 

KHALID

Ma’alisch. [Doesn’t matter.] It is nothing. I am a big boy. 

SARA

Really. I’m sorry. Peace, Ok?

KHALID

Sure, sure. Peace. It’s ok. 

SARA

It is beautiful though, isn’t it? Like the dark side of the moon. Spooky and beautiful at the same time. 

KHALID

Enti zayy il amer. [You are like the moon.] 

SARA

What? 

KHALID

Maybe like you. You are like the moon. 

SARA

Ohh… you sweet talking man. Maybe you do have potential. 

KHALID

Shofti baa’. [See!] Like Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic! 

SARA

Oh please! 

KHALID

I love this movie! (Holds arms out like the famous scene.) 

SARA

Cal… 

KHALID

Kate Winslet! So beautiful! 

SARA

Cal! 

KHALID

Sixteen times I have seen this movie! 

SARA

I can’t get romantic thinking about Leonardo Di Caprio. 

KHALID

No? 

SARA

No. 

KHALID

Oh.  

SARA

So… what would happen if they caught us up here? Arrest us? 

KHALID

My god, I don’t know. Make us pay a million pounds baksheesh. Which I don’t have. 

SARA

Why’d you come up here then? If not for little old me. 

KHALID

(Pause.) I wanted to see if I could do it. 

SARA

Because you were afraid? 

KHALID

Yes. 

SARA

That’s so fantastic! It’s very empowering to overcome fears. Fear is just of the unknown. You know what I mean? We’re scared of what we don’t know. Like the dark. Like death. Like Egypt! 

KHALID

You were afraid from Egypt? 

SARA

I was about to pee my pants. I got the call for this job and my first thought was, “No way, Jose!” I’m too young to be massacred.  

KHALID

Egypt is not like this!

SARA

It was fear of the unknown! My god, all we ever hear about the Middle-East is hotels bombed, tourists slaughtered, and guys with funny beards shouting, “Death to America!” Like everybody hates us. 

KHALID

We don’t hate you! 

SARA

Exactly! And I love it here! The people! 

KHALID

Egyptians are the friendliest people in the world! 

SARA

The history, sailing on the Nile, Siwa! I’ll never forget Siwa as long as I live. Running down those sand dunes. The oasis. All the little kids shouting, “What’s your name?” “What’s your name?” It’s changed me. The way I look at the world. If I had listened to everybody else I’d still be sitting in Silver Lake, clutching my latte, scared of anybody in a turban. What’s ironic? I feel ten times safer here than walking around LA. And certainly more welcome. 

KHALID

Il ham du lileh. [Thanks to God,] I was here before you know. 

SARA

Wait! Here? On top?  

KHALID

Not all the way. When I was little. For school trip. They give permission for students to climb. 

SARA

You’re kidding. How old were you? 

KHALID

Maybe ten years. I didn’t want to and my friends make fun of me. Calling me names. So, I try but I got sick. 

SARA

Uh oh. 

KHALID

I think I drink too much Pepsis. I… ragaat… (Mimes throwing up)… I don’t know it in English. 

SARA

Throw up? You threw up? 

KHALID

Yes. On the Great Pyramid. 

SARA

Oh, you poor thing. You must have been scared to death. 

KHALID

So maybe many can say they have climbed the pyramid but I think I am the only one who can throw up on it. 

SARA

Ohhhh… was that the most afraid you’ve ever been? 

KHALID

I don’t know. 

SARA

That was my favorite scene from the English Patient. Remember? When he asks her that? “What’s the most afraid you’ve ever been?” 

KHALID

Most afraid? 

SARA

(Looking into Khalid’s eyes.)

And her heart’s pounding and she looks in his eyes and says, “That’s the way I feel right now.” 

KHALID

(Blowing it.) I don’t remember this scene. 

SARA

You have to! 

KHALID

It is from the English Patient? 

SARA

Yes! When they were in the bathtub together? After he ripped her dress off?

KHALID

I think the censors, maybe they cut this scene. 

SARA

That was the best part! He had this great apartment in the old part of Cairo. Totally went native. Carved wood.  

Slow, steamy fans. This huge bathtub. Brrr… it still gives me a shiver. Although maybe it’s just the wind. 

KHALID

You are cold? 

SARA

A little. 

KHALID

I’m sorry. Here… (He tries to put his jacket around her.) 

SARA

No, no really. I didn’t mean that. 

KHALID

No. Ma’alisch [Doesn’t matter.] 

(He puts it around her.) 

I am used to this. 

SARA

Thank you. 

(He sits closer.)

SARA (Con’t)

Hey, look! A shooting star! 

KHALID

Where? 

SARA

There… you missed it. Make a wish. 

KHALID

I wish we get down alive. 

SARA

Something good. 

KHALID

I wish I have seen this bathtub scene. 

SARA

I’ll bet. 

KHALID

I wish to know you more. 

SARA

That’s better. 

KHALID

You think this is possible? 

SARA

You still haven’t answered the big question.

KHALID

What? 

SARA

The most scared you’ve ever been. Now? Sitting here on the edge of the world with the crazy American woman? 

KHALID

No. You are crazy but I am not afraid from you. 

SARA

Come on, what then?

KHALID

I don’t know. 

SARA

I may have to tickle you again… 

KHALID

Ok, ok… maybe… maybe it is when I am a student… at the university. I like to draw, you know? 

SARA

You’re an artist? 

KHALID

No, not really. Cartoons. My friend had a website, a blog. 

SARA

Like a comic strip? 

KHALID

No, no. Political. Political cartoons…about what was done at the university… and here in Egypt. 

SARA

Uh oh. 

KHALID

The police come to my house in the night and take me to the jail. 

SARA

Oh shit. You’re kidding. 

KHALID

They tell me stop. If I want to continue at the university, I must stop.  

SARA

They threatened you? 

KHALID

I sit for many hours with my eyes covered. Blind fold. My friend was also arrested, beaten. I was very afraid. 

SARA

Jesus. 

KHALID

For me. For my family. I prayed very hard. I think they will beat me too but finally they let me go. My father, he is very angry. 

SARA

I guess! 

KHALID

He slaps me. Here in the mouth. 

SARA

He hit you? 

KHALID

He is very angry from me. 

SARA

Why? 

KHALID

I think he is afraid too. The government is very powerful, very serious. Not for cartoons. Not for laughing. 

SARA

I’m sorry. 

KHALID

I don’t think they would do this in your country? 

SARA

My god, sometimes our country is a cartoon. Or a made for TV Fox movie. “Mission accomplished!” “Axis of Evil!” 

KHALID

Ah yes… Bush. 

SARA

Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan. 

KHALID

This is wrong. This invasion. 

SARA

Well, no shit, Sherlock. 

KHALID

You agree with this? 

SARA

Anybody with a brain agrees with this. 

KHALID

What about Israel? 

SARA

What about it? 

KHALID

Invading Lebanon, Palestine. Taking their land. Bombing the poor peoples. 

SARA

Nobody should bomb anybody. 

KHALID

But you are American. 

SARA

And? 

KHALID

America gives them the bombs! 

SARA

You agree with everything your government does? 

KHALID

Of course not. 

SARA

So, why would I? It’d be like me blaming you for all the rude remarks I have to listen to from men in the streets here. 

KHALID

This is a bad thing. Shebeb rewesh. [Flashy young men.] 

SARA

Shebeb assholes! I mean what is this?… (Long disgusting kissing noise.)…Why do Egyptian men do that? Is that genetic or just genital? “I want practice make love you.” Why do women have to listen to that? 

KHALID

I think they watch too much western movies. 

SARA

Right. If that was the case then men in the States would be ten times worse and, believe me, at the moment I’ve got a whole new respect for their gender sensitivity. 

KHALID

I’m sorry. I am ashamed for Egypt when I see this. 

SARA

Do Egyptian women have to put up with this? 

KHALID

I think maybe we eat now. 

SARA

Chicken. 

KHALID

No, only chocolate and mandarin. Please? Ok, peace? 

SARA

How do you say peace in Arabic? 

KHALID

Salaam. 

SARA

Salaam? 

KHALID

Bazzapt. [Exactly.] Peace. Sit please… I am your tour guide. Sit! 

(She does.)

I studied Egyptology you know. Yanni, I know all about pyramids. I think you don’t know there are 97 of them.  

SARA

No way. 

KHALID

Giza, Saqquara, Dahshur, Abusir, many. Maybe more still buried. 

SARA

Wow. 

KHALID

That way is Saqquara and Dashur. During the day, you see them from here. There, Cairo. 

SARA

Looks like an ocean of light.

KHALID

Sixteen million peoples. See there… the Cairo Tower that Nasser built… and there is the Sheraton and the Hilton. 

SARA

Major landmarks. 

KHALID

Yes. And here the Sphinx. In Arabic called Abul Hol. “The Father of Horrors.” 

SARA

Whoooaa… 

KHALID

And that way desert… all the way to Libya. Forty days by camel.

SARA

Right. 

KHALID

No, no. I’m serious. Forty days and, maybe for us, 1001 nights. We put our camp under the stars, yes? The camels grazing. The oud and flute playing. Incense. Our tent with many rich carpets made of finest wool. 

SARA

Sure. And we’re eating sheep’s eyeballs and I’m wearing one of those slinky, red belly-dancer things we saw at the bazaar. 

KHALID

Meshi Khalass, [Ok, sure,] as you like… and black khol for your eyes. And I will buy for you the same perfume Cleopatra wears. 

SARA

And I’ll feed you grapes that I peeled with my own teeth.

(She demonstrates on a tangerine.) 

KHALID

You dance barefoot on the sand and then we will, how do you say it? Enjoy the moment? 

SARA

Dream on sucker!

(Playfully mashes tangerine in his mouth.)

After you wouldn’t play hide the scarab? 

KHALID

I wait for more stars to fall and make this wish. 

SARA

Did you really study Egyptology? 

KHALID

Like my father. This is why he names me Khalid. Khalid means immortal. Like the pharaohs. Like the pyramids. 

SARA

Wait, what’s your name? I thought it was Cal. 

KHALID

Khalid, but you Americans call me Cal. This is easier I think. 

SARA

Oh my god. I’ve been calling you the wrong name? Why didn’t you tell me? 

KHALID

Mish mushkilla. [No problem.] No problem. Maybe it is difficult for you.

SARA

Duh! Stupid American! Calling you Cal, like some Texas used car dealer. 

KHALID

Ma’alisch. [Doesn’t matter.] Really! 

SARA

(Tries to pronounce it.)

Ok, Khalid? 

KHALID

Khaaalid. 

SARA

Khaaalid? 

KHALID

Mumtez! [Excellent!] Your Arabic very beautiful. 

SARA

So, then Khalid, how come, if you were destined to be an Egyptologist, you’re working on a movie crew? 

KHALID

This is first time for me. My cousin knows the assistant director. When I leave the university, the only job I am offered is tour guide. But after the Sinai attacks there is no work for me. 

SARA

Sinai… oh my god! That hotel. I saw it on TV. Over and over I saw it. 

KHALID

These are very bad men. Not real Egyptians. This is not the right way of Islam. 

SARA

Same all over I guess. We’ve got our own share of crazies back home. Oklahoma, Texas militias, Cheney. (Pause.) The world should be like this… peaceful… quiet. 

KHALID

Beautiful. 

SARA

Sitting here I feel like I belong. Like I’ve been here before. 

KHALID

Maybe you were a queen here in another life. Very beautiful wife of Pharaoh. 

SARA

More like kitchen slave in the Pharaoh’s palace scraping leftover peacock off the royal plates. 

KHALID

I’m serious. You look very Egyptian. 

SARA

Right. 

KHALID

I think Egyptian women are the most beautiful in the world. 

SARA

And I think the moonlight’s starting to affect your brain. 

KHALID

And your name, Sara, is very Egyptian. [Sara in Arabic rhymes with bar… Sar-a] 

SARA

Really? 

KHALID

Yes, of course. Many girls here have this same name. You pass for Egyptian. 

SARA

I guess I ought to… my family moved from here a long time ago. 

KHALID

Really? You are serious? 

SARA

Ever heard of the Exodus? 

KHALID

Exodus? What is this? 

SARA

When all the Jews left Egypt, and went to Israel. You know Moses? The Red Sea? The Burning Bush? All that? 

KHALID

What are you saying? I don’t understand. You are Israeli? (Laughing.) No. 

SARA

No, but I’m Jewish. I’m going to visit Israel after I leave here. 

KHALID

You are Jewish? 

SARA

Yes. 

KHALID

Why? 

SARA

Why am I Jewish? 

KHALID

Why don’t you tell me this?

SARA

Well… mish mushkilla. (Imitating him.) I think maybe it is difficult for you. 

KHALID

Jewish?! 

SARA

Why should it matter? 

KHALID

So, you think the Israelis are right in everything they do! 

SARA

I don’t think anybody’s right in everything they do. I admit I used to be a bit prejudiced but now I see that there are two sides. 

KHALID

There are no sides! They are wrong! 

SARA

God. Mr. Open-Minded. 

KHALID

(Accusatory.)

Why do you go to Israel? 

SARA

I have relatives there. I want to see them. I want to see Jerusalem. 

KHALID

The Israelis have stolen Jerusalem. They are the terrorists.  

SARA

Maybe they have, maybe they haven’t. I really don’t know. But I think it’s only fair to go see for myself instead of just listening to everybody else. 

KHALID

Jewish, Israeli. These are the same thing. Of course, you are on their side! 

SARA

I’m not on anybody’s side! 

KHALID

Keeping Palestinian people prisoners in their own country? 

SARA

I’m keeping an open mind! Can’t I have an open mind? Can’t you have an open mind? 

KHALID

It’s not us. It’s them. 

SARA

It’s us. It’s them. It’s us. It’s them. I get so sick of that. Don’t you? 

KHALID

What do you know of this? Nothing! My friend, she is Palestinian. When she is young, her family is taken from their land. Everything! Their house destroyed! Her father now has no job. No money. Nobody to hire him. He becomes very angry and his wife leaves him. What of this? Hunh? All is taken from him because of the Jews! Because they want his country! You think this fair? This is open-minded? This is two sides? 

SARA

Khalid… 

KHALID

Why doesn’t America stop this? 

SARA

I don’t want to fight with you. 

KHALID

Because the Jews control America! 

SARA

Well, my god, so much for international relations! 

KHALID

I think maybe it is not a good idea I be here with you. 

SARA

So now suddenly you have to hate me cause I’m Jewish? What happened to the thousand and one nights? Hunh? Same perfume Cleopatra wears? 

KHALID

I didn’t know this before. 

SARA

I knew you were Muslim and it didn’t matter to me. 

KHALID

You don’t understand. 

SARA

Oh brilliant! Great comeback!  

KHALID

I’m sorry. I am leaving. 

SARA

Good. Fine. Take a hike. Who’s stopping you? 

KHALID

My jacket.

(She removes jacket, throws it over the side.)

Hey! Hey! My god! You are crazy. 

SARA

I’m an Israeli terrorist! Remember? 

KHALID

I don’t know why I come here. 

SARA

To overcome your fears, wasn’t it? Only I don’t think you’re doing a very good job of it. 

KHALID

I’m going. (Starts to leave.) 

SARA

And to think… you almost kissed a JEW!

(She turns around and sits down, huddled up, staring out at audience. He looks over the edge, looks back at her, looks over the edge… sits down and puts head in hands. Long pause…)

Afraid? 

KHALID

You have the flashlight. 

(She grabs it out of the backpack like she’s going to throw it too.)

No! Please… please. 

SARA

(She hesitates then puts it down on the rock.)

Take it!

KHALID

(He goes to pick it up very carefully as if she might attack him.)

What about you? It is harder going down. 

SARA

What do you care? 

KHALID

I think we must go together. It is safer this way. 

SARA

Safer for who?! 

KHALID

Please, I am responsible for you. 

SARA

No wonder Cleopatra killed herself. 

KHALID

You don’t understand, this is difficult for me. 

SARA

I think sometimes that people love to suffer. You ever notice that? It’s like a worldwide contest to prove who’s suffered the most. If you’ve suffered the most, then 

somehow it puts you in the right! The Palestinians have suffered so they must be right. The Jews have suffered so they must be right. It seems to me like everybody’s suffering and nobody’s right! 

KHALID

(Pause.)

Sometimes I don’t know what to think. 

SARA

I really liked you!! 

KHALID

I like you also! (Pause.) You are shaking. You are cold again.

(He touches her shoulder, she shakes him off.) 

SARA

No! 

KHALID

Sara… 

SARA

I thought you were leaving. 

KHALID

Please… It’s crazy but I still want to kiss you. 

SARA

Oh yeah? And what if your friends found out? You’d get thrown out of the Arab League or whatever. World’s friendliest people!  

KHALID

It’s not so easy to suddenly change. 

SARA

What do you see when you look at me? Hunh? 

KHALID

Please… 

SARA

What do you see?!

KHALID

Sara. I see Sara. 

SARA

Sara the Semite? Sara the loose American woman? 

KHALID

I see Sara that is very friendly, very kind to people working on their first movie. 

SARA

That’s all? A minute ago, it was Sara, Queen of the Desert! 

KHALID

That is also not afraid from anything. Not from the pyramid… not from Egypt…not even from me. (Pause.) I’m sorry. 

SARA

Don’t say it unless you mean it. 

KHALID

I do! 

(No answer from Sara.)

We have a saying in Egypt. “Min el alb lilalb.” … From heart to heart.

(No answer.)

From my heart to your heart… I’m serious. I mean it. 

SARA

(Pause.) 

Say it again? 

KHALID

Min el alb lilalb. (Pause.) It’s very strange I think… if we would kiss now it will mean more than before… yes? Before it was just… how did you say? “Hide the scarab”? Now it is serious. Now it is political. How is this? How can a kiss be political? But you are right… if my family knows this thing… that we are here… my friends… 

SARA

Maybe they should all get their heads out of their asses. 

KHALID

(Shocked.) 

What do you know of my friends? You say this? 

SARA

Well? 

KHALID

And my family also? Heads in ass?! 

SARA

No. 

KHALID 

My mother? My father?! 

SARA

Cal… 

KHALID

I love my family. My friends. 

SARA

I’m sorry! 

KHALID

We are close! Egyptians are very close! 

SARA

I know that. 

KHALID

I am to give them up because they don’t think as you?! 

SARA

No! 

KHALID

Maybe you are right! Maybe we are too angry about the Jews. But this is many years. Many wars! 

SARA

I know, I know… 

KHALID

And the Israelis too! The Americans! They also must pull heads from ass. 

SARA

Yes. 

KHALID

The British! And the French! 

SARA

And the Iraqis? The Palestinians? 

KHALID

(Pause.) 

SARA

Hello?… Suicide bombs? 

KHALID

This is wrong also, this bombing. 

SARA

You think? Maybe? 

KHALID

But what else can they do?!

(She gives him a look and turns away.)

Ok, yes! Khalass! Enough! Everyone, everywhere pulling heads from asses. This is best, yes?

(Sara nods.)

Including me.

(Sara nods.)

… You think maybe in this “Casbah” there are no politics?

(Sara shrugs.)

… Peace? Ok?

(He tentatively touches her. She pulls away…)  

SARA

Tomorrow too? 

KHALID

Yes. 

SARA

Or is this just some treaty of convenience? 

KHALID

No! 

SARA

And your friends? 

KHALID

(Pause.) 

This peace is harder. 

SARA

Maybe like going down the pyramid by yourself with no flashlight. 

KHALID

Maybe we should just jump. It is easier I think. 

SARA

Aww… you want me to hold your little hand? 

KHALID

Yes.

(She thinks about it and doesn’t. Pause.) 

Sara? 

SARA

Khalid?105 

KHALID

I think this is the most afraid that I’ve ever been…right now. 

SARA

Good line. 

KHALID

Peace… Ok?… Please? 

SARA

(Pause… nods.) 

Salaam… I wish…

KHALID

What?

(She shrugs… No answer.)

Me too.

(Pause.)

Maybe we wait for another star. 

(They both look up at the stars.) 

END

A HOLY THURSDAY LAMENT or THE LAST NIGHT ON EARTH

CAST OF CHARACTERS

PROFESSOR: A homeless, mid-40’s African-American man, who obviously grew up in a decent neighborhood and had a very good high school education.  A very philosophical type yet physically domineering.  He goes from a contemplative reverie to friendly communication with CRISPUS during the play.

CRISPUS: Another homeless, African-American man, mid 30’s who, unlike Professor, has spent almost all of his life working.  Very little education.  A bit hardened by his experiences but he does like and respect PROFESSOR.

TIME:  It is present day.  A night in early spring.

SETTING:  Some vacant lot in the city. A wall full of graffitti is in the background and mounds and mounds of garbage.

A HOLY THURSDAY LAMENT or THE LAST NIGHT ON EARTH

(Curtain opens with a scene of piles 

and piles of trash, under which, hidden from the audience, CRISPUS 

is sleeping.  PROFESSOR kneels

center stage, gazing up at the sky.

He says his lines without looking at CRISPUS.)

PROFESSOR

What goes through one’s last night on earth?  What thoughts flutter like demonic butterflies or lay heavy like anchors on your chest?  Men . . . women . . . teenagers! . . . yes, even children!  Awaiting execution or lying in hospital beds knowing that the fight is over, the end is soon.  Jesus . . . or Bigger Thomas . . . or Plato . . . or Saddam Hussein — how did they deal with the scant, dim hope that must arise that somehow — somehow! — the absolutely inevitable might not take place!

CRISPUS

(Sitting up, rising out of the trash.)

Shit, man!  What kind of smack you talking when you should be sleeping?

PROFESSOR

I’m talking about . . . the Unsayable.   The Unspeakable.

CRISPUS

You mouth sure moving an awful lot for something Unsayable.

PROFESSOR

Crispus, did the thought ever take hold of you — I mean really possess you — that we are essentially no different than, say, a brave person who performs a heroic act?

A Holy Thursay Lament, p 2

CRISPUS

What the — we live in a shithole.  We live where no one can ever find us or really help us or see us.  We broke.  We fuckin’ invisible.  What we got in common with some superhero?

PROFESSOR

The darkness!  We somehow have wound up running our fool heads off deeper and deeper into the darkness.

CRISPUS

(Leans closer to PROFESSOR.)

Man, the way you talking it sound like you gonna off yourself.

PROFESSOR

(Laughs.)

No, no.  Not at all.  I’m talking about why we are here?

CRISPUS

‘Cause we broke.

PROFESSOR

Aw, I know that.

CRISPUS

‘Cause we poor.  ‘Cause we ain’t got shit.  ‘Cause no one want us.  That enough “causes” for you?

PROFESSOR

But that’s just it!  That’s the darkness!  What is the very reason for our existence?

CRISPUS

Aw, fool, don’t be so poetic.  Shit bad.  We survive one day or a few — we doin’ good.  Case closed.  Now, lemme sleep.

(Lays back down.)

A Holy Thursday Lament, p 3

PROFESSOR

  (Turns to CRISPUS.)

What are you running from?

CRISPUS

(Rising up quickly.)

Running!  Do it look like I running?  I had a job, home, a bit of family!  I lost it all.  Lost it!  Weren’t no running.

PROFESSOR

And you ended up lost in this night of — what? . . . Nonexistence?

CRISPUS

Look.  One day or another, unless a miracle happen, you and I gonna die.  Maybe, it be soon.  Maybe not.  Maybe it stupid fighting it off —

PROFESSOR

And, maybe, if we just give it up, death will come to us like a puppy.

CRISPUS

(Pauses, leans closer.)

Ah, look, man.  If you thinking of offing yourself, lemme have your boots.

PROFESSOR

(Laughs loudly.)

Hey, when I’m gone you can have it all!

CRISPUS

You ain’t got nothing but them boots.  Why you talking all this shit anyway?

PROFESSOR

Crispus, do you realize what day it is?

 

A Holy Thursday Lament, p 4

CRISPUS

It you birthday or something? Anniversary of bein’ broke?

PROFESSOR

Naw, I mean today is a day everyone knows about.

CRISPUS

Ain’t it Thursday?  We got grub at the Jewish place so it be Thursday.

PROFESSOR

Yes, but it’s Holy Thursday.  You know what that is, don’t you?

CRISPUS

That the day Jesus served bread and wine to everyone.  Now shut the fuck up.  You making me hungry.

(Lies back down.)

PROFESSOR

(Looks back at the sky.)

But, also, the night He agonized over His death in the garden — His last night on earth.

CRISPUS

And like I say, if you thinking it you last night on earth lemme have them boots.

PROFESSOR

I’m wondering if all men and women have the same feeling — wanting to hope but not wanting to give in to it because of what is inevitable, because if you’re going to die you want to do it right.

CRISPUS

Naw!  You just die, kicking and fussing and yelling at God to help your dying ass!

A Holy Thursday Lament, p 5

PROFESSOR

The way I’m thinking, hope might be the enemy.

CRISPUS

(Rises on elbows)

If hope the enemy then giving up the friend.

PROFESSOR

You see, Crispus!  You see!  It’s like we’re sandwiched between the two, hoping and giving up pressing in on us.  And we don’t want either because each could overwhelm us . . . and kill us!

CRISPUS

(Rolls over, back to audience.)

Shit!

PROFESSOR

(Sings in heavy metal, headbanger style.)

“I’m a social reject from the Christian Church

because I didn’t wear a tie on the Feast of Christ’s birth.

(CRISPUS  rolls over.)

And my shoes weren’t shined and my hair wasn’t combed

on the night when He prayed in the garden alone.”

CRISPUS

(Lifts himself up on an elbow.)

Where you get that, Professor?

PROFESSOR

(From this point on his reverie ends.  He talks to CRISPUS.)

I wrote it.

A Holy Thursday Lament, p 6

CRISPUS

Wrote it!

PROFESSOR

Yes, sir!  I wrote that when I was playing in a Christian rock band.

CRISPUS

Christian rock!  What black folks need rock when they got R and B . . . and gospel.  Rock ain’t nothing but the blues gone flat and funky.

PROFESSOR

We were part of the Afro-punk scene.  There’s a whole movement of black people who are into heavy metal — a whole movement, Crispus!  So some friends and I, being church kids, we formed what may have been the very first Christian Afro-punk band.

CRISPUS

Wanting to serve the Lord and all?

PROFESSOR

Well, that’s certainly what we said.  We were quite young, you know.  We just thought that it would be a cool job — writing songs and making music all our lives and having people love us for it.  We actually played at a few Afro-punk festivals.

CRISPUS

No, shit!

PROFESSOR

    (Gets on his feet.)

Oh, we had this really great song — a lot like Zeppellin’s “Black Dog.”

    (Plays air guitar.)

“Jesus was a guru.

He was a buddha, too.

Krishna and the others —

unfit to tie his shoe.”A Holy Thursday Lament, p 7

It had this driving bass line.  And I played a good rhythm to it.  And it was tight, so tight.  We were always so in sync when we played it.  It was like it was just impossible for us to miss a beat.  And the singer!  The singer did it like a black Pentecostal preacher.

(Mimics a preacher.)

He would criss-cross the stage, pointing his finger and staring down the 

crowd.  And the crowd!  Oh, my God, the crowd would just go nuts!  They were just a mass of energy and enthusiasm and enlightenment.  Like they were suddenly turned on by this one idea.  Just bopping their heads and gyrating and giving off this vibe like they were saying, “Preach it, brother!”

CRISPUS

(Leans forward, smiles mischievously.)

Lots of chicks, huh!

PROFESSOR

(Sits down, stretches out legs, more relaxed.)

There was this cute, little cinnamon color girl who used to follow us.  I don’t know where she got the money to do that.  First time I saw her, I thought, “Oh, that’s cool.  An Indian girl into our scene.”  But when I finally talked to her, I found out one parent was Black and Native American and the other was Afro-Guatemalan or something like that.  I talked to her a few times.  I really thought we might have had something.

(Pauses.)

CRISPUS

Oh, you ain’t leaving the story hanging there.

PROFESSOR

Well, the scene we were into, there was this vibe that sort of carried us.  Of course, we all thought it was God.  I was so certain, so freaking certain —

(Looks at palm of hand.)

as certain as I am that my hand is in front of my face  — that the band was going to make it.  Not make it big.  We all knew we’d never be big stars.  But successful.  We would be successful and the cute cinnamon girl and I would hook up, get married and I’d be teaching my sons and A Holy Thursday Lament, p 8

daughters to play guitar.  When it ended, Crispus, it wasn’t just the end of a band.  Or the loss of a dream.  It was the loss of feeling alive.

CRISPUS

So what happened?

PROFESSOR

Drugs.

CRISPUS

Yep.  Always.

PROFESSOR

We were really touring, really working.  All of us were just busting our ass to make it work.  It just got to be too much — and, well, prayer didn’t kill the pain or perk us up the way blow did.  I was lucky I wasn’t into it as heavily as our bass player.  My God, he was in rehab for years and years until he couldn’t take it anymore.

CRISPUS

What he do?

PROFESSOR

He jumped off a bridge.  He climbed all the way up in sub-zero weather, all the way to the top of that steel web.  Some asshole filmed the whole thing instead of calling the police.  Then he jumped.

(Sighs heavily.)

They found crumpled pieces of paper in the wastebasket.  It seems he made a few attempts to write a suicide note but just couldn’t find the right words.

CRISPUS

The Unsayable?

PROFESSOR

(Kneels again.)

It could be, Crispus.  It could be.A Holy Thursday Lament, p 9

(Sings slower, in a whisper.)

“I’m a social reject from the Christian Church

because I didn’t wear a tie on the Feast of Christ’s birth.

And my shoes weren’t shined and my hair wasn’t combed

on the night when He prayed in the garden alone.”

(Pauses.)

CRISPUS

(Kneels, too.)

You never get passed the garden part.

PROFESSOR

(Laughs, sits back, relaxed.)

I don’t remember anymore.  I just don’t remember what I wrote.  And it’s strange, Crispus, because I remember every single line of every single one of our songs but that one.  And it happened so quickly, too.  We just finished touring and we were partying, partying really hard. Well, I woke up on this bitterly cold winter afternoon in this unheated, skank apartment with the sun just blaring through the windows.  Everyone, everyone in the band was just lying all strung out and unconscious on the floor.  I started singing that song to perk me up because I felt just awful.  I stopped at that line, looked around at everyone, half-dead and blown away, and I said, “My God, we’re fucked!”  I left that day and went into rehab.  When I got out I didn’t have a dollar to my name and didn’t feel any sense of life at all.  So I just drifted.  I started running.

CRISPUS

You pray, Professor?

PROFESSOR

You know . . . if you asked me that at any other time, on any other night, I would have replied with an emphatic “Not anymore.”

CRISPUS

But?

A Holy Thursday Lament, p 10

PROFESSOR

But tonight, with all that my mind has been taking in and the feeling that’s growing in my soul here tonight, I can say that I’m not really sure.  I’m just not sure if I’m praying or not.

CRISPUS

How you mean?

PROFESSOR

Well, it could be this running in the dark of night is somehow prayer.  It could be this fine line between not letting hope take too much control and yet not going the other way and giving into despair  — this is in some way a form of prayer.

CRISPUS

It just survival instinct.  We do what we do to survive.  No different than fish or squirrels or bears.  Just humans more complicated and talk smack and call it “the Unsayable.”  Ain’t no prayer, Professor.

PROFESSOR

I don’t know. Crispus.  The survival instinct is something that keeps you alive just for the sake of being alive.  But what if in this situation of ours, this continual last night on earth we always experience, what if there’s something we can find or discover here.  Some . . . well, some new thought or new idea or new experience that no one else has had.  Or only people like us, like we are, we’re the only kind of people who can find it.

CRISPUS

(Leans closer, whispers)

Professor, you know the Holy Thursday story?  

PROFESSOR

Of course, I do.   I was a church kid.  I heard that story year after year after year.

A Holy Thursday Lament, p 11

CRISPUS

Yeah, well, you don’t remember it too well.  Know what Jesus found that night?  Judas!  Judas come, give Him a kiss and then the cops rush in and haul off his ass.

PROFESSOR

But do you remember the guy who ran off naked?  They grabbed him by that linen cloth he had wrapped around him and as he pulled away it ripped off.  And he ran into the night.  What did he find eventually?

CRISPUS

Cops, fool!  Cops somewhere beating his ass then arresting him ’cause he got no clothes on.  Now lemme get some sleep.

(Lays back down, arms across chest.)

PROFESSOR

Ha!  The spirit is willing . . . 

(Sings softly, slower.)

“I’m a social reject from the Christian –“

CRISPUS

    (Sits up, quickly.)

You ain’t gonna let me sleep, is you?

PROFESSOR

An important meeting early in the morning?

CRISPUS

SHIT!

PROFESSOR

(Looks at him.)

Do you pray, Crispus?

A Holy Thursday Lament, p 12

CRISPUS

Naw.  Maybe when I was a kid.  My Ma drank so we really never got into church a lot.  I worked.  Soon as I could.  Lied about my age and worked after school and weekends.  Let me tell you, I worked.  Barely got out of high school, I sleep so much in class.  But no, I never did pray.  Still don’t.

PROFESSOR

Never?

CRISPUS

Naw.  But there be this one time, weren’t too late at night when I’m walking down Jackson toward the Mission and I goes by the Holding Pen.  You know that little park they got there, we used to sleep before Bossman beat us outta there.  Well, I was going along and they have them hedges there.  Well, I hear someone singing that ole Sam Cooke song  — what’s she called?  Change — change comin’ down.

CRISPUS and PROFESSOR

“A Change is Gonna Come!”

CRISPUS

Yeah, that it.  Well, I hear this baritone, he sing about — how it go? — being born on the river and he and the river still flowin’.  Something like that.  Anyway, it be the voice, the voice and the way the words carry out into the night.  Well, it makes me stop, just stop and say, “So this what church folks feel.”  That the closest I come to anything like prayer.

(Still kneeling, PROFESSOR leans close to CRISPUS.)

PROFESSOR

Do you remember the night LaShaun was killed?

CRIPSUS

(Lays back down.)

Fuck off!

A Holy Thursday Lament, p 13

PROFESSOR

It’s sad.

CRISPUS

Fucking sad.  Now, leave it alone.

PROFESSOR

Her life was a series of “if’s.”  If her mother wasn’t alcoholic, if she didn’t get involved with crack, if she didn’t meet Bossman that night —

CRISPUS

(Jumps up quickly, grabs a board, starts swinging it violently.)

If she had a better bigger brother!  Huh?  If her bigger brother be a better man!  Right, Professor?  Right?  That if, too.

PROFESSOR

Yes.  That if, too

CRISPUS

(Makes to attack PROFESSOR.)

You goddamn son of a bitch.

PROFESSOR

Is it true, then?

CRISPUS

No! . . .  No.  Shit!  

(Flings the board down, violently.  Paces back and forth.)

I did everything I suppose to do.  Work 40 hours a week.  Grab me all the overtime I can.  Get me a weekend job.  I work and work and work and I bring the money into the home and it go out by Mama’s drinking and her drugs.  In the end, I couldn’t trust neither of them!  You know how many times I have to sweet talk the judge and kiss cops butt to get her black ass out of jail.  LaShaun owe me big time and she ain’t never gonna pay me back.  I shoulda pushed her ass out into the street — that’s what I should A Holy Thursday Lament, p 14

have done.

PROFESSOR

But you didn’t.

CRISPUS

(Collapses on the floor, sits holding knees.)

She my sis.  She kin, that’s why.

(Sighs, heavily.)

Shit, I remember her as a little kid with these braces, you know.  And tall — ooh, that girl be tall!  Taller than any girl her age, a real beanpole of a girl with this big smile full of braces.  Use to think, “Damn, those braces expensive!”  And I see that smile, like . . . like the Cheshire Cat —

PROFESSOR

Alice in Wonderland!

CRISPUS

Through the Looking Glass.

PROFESSOR

Oh.

CRISPUS

Anyway, I see that smile and I think she gonna be beautiful.  She gonna be one real pretty girl and have every player in the neighborhood gettin’ in her drawers and she never gonna be able to tell the difference between a player and a real straight guy.  And then she get pregnant and lose all that prettiness.  Then I worry she ain’t gonna be pretty.  She gonna wind up being some old sour church lady thinkin’ the world so bad that Christ coming soon — though He ain’t shown up in two thousand years.  And she gonna look down on young people because they havin’ fun and living.  And then I don’t know what the fuck to wish for.

PROFESSOR

So what did you do?A Holy Thursday Lament, p 15

CRISPUS

Bury myself in work and hope I have ‘nough money to fix things if they go wrong.

PROFESSOR

And they did.

CRISPUS

There this one time, this — one — time.  She come in with those braces and that smile and those skinny beanpole legs sticking outta shorts and she got this puppy.  This little black puppy all squirming around in her bony fingers and licking her face and she got just this big goddamn beautiful smile! 

(Rises and starts pacing back and forth.)

Well, I launch into “What’s the matter with you, girl, pets is expensive and don’t you care none that your Mama got allergies?”  — which be the lie I used to cover Mama’s drinking and she knew it a lie.  And don’t she want to go to college and better herself and all.  And then I tell her to take that puppy back where she got it.

(Stops suddenly, stares into space, begins to tremble.  He speaks haltingly, as if he can’t breathe.)

And I never see that smile again.  Never again.  The braces come off and no smile.  Big birthday parties and no smile.  Driver’s license. Good grades in school —  “I’m proud of you, girl!”  And no smile.

(Begins to cry.)

A fucking puppy.  A fucking puppy.  Her insides die over a fucking puppy.  I killed her.  I did.  Years before that son of a bitch copper Bossman.  That fucker and I — we both did it!

(Comes over and towers over PROFESSOR.)

And me?  Me?  I’d give anything for another chance.  I’d cut off both arms, live in a wheelchair and piss in a bag.  I’d gladly end up like this again and die right here —

(Points to where he was sleeping.) 

Yes!  Right here in this shitpile with a big shitass grin on my face if I could go back and just let her keep that mother fucking puppy.

A Holy Thursday Lament, p 16

PROFESSOR

But here you are.

CRISPUS

Ain’t that simple.  Or maybe it is.  I just didn’t get out of bed one day.  I just shut down.  Didn’t even make the decision.  Didn’t say, “I give up.”  I just couldn’t get out of bed.  They stick me in a mental hospital and I’m in there for weeks and weeks.  Then they kick me out.  Lost my jobs. 

LaShaun and Mama lost the apartment.  And like you — whatever inside, it gone.  But there’s no running.  Just drifting.

(Collapses to the floor, head between his knees.)

LaShaun dead.  No matter who kill her or how she die.  And it happen long ago.  Why bring it up now?

PROFESSOR

It was a life that was touched by uncertainty.

CRISPUS

She dead, fool. Ain’t nothing uncertain about that.

PROFESSOR

But, Crispus, don’t you see?  Her life was such a long series of “if’s.”  I suppose every single life is.

CRISPUS

‘Spcially after you dead.  Can say all the “if’s” you want.  Don’t change nothing.  You dead.

PROFESSOR

But we’re not dead, Crispus.  We’re alive, still.  But why are we here?  Why are we sitting in some vacant lot instead of me touring with that cinnamon girl and you and LaShaun and your Mama living in a nice house somewhere and not busting your ass anymore?  What “if” did we not see or overlook?  Or could we have seen it?  And — and is there something to discover in this darkness that we wouldn’t find in, say, a penthouse?  We have memories, thoughts, ideas wrapped around feelings 

A Holy Thursday Lament, p 17

and dreams and emotions.  Bears and squirrels don’t have that.

CRISPUS

So what you gonna do?  How you gonna figure this out?

PROFESSOR

Listen,!  Do me a real big favor, Crispus.  Let’s keep a vigil.  A holy vigil.  Let’s stay awake all night until the sun rises.  And . . . and . . . well, let’s remember LaShaun and think why Bossman is such a mean, badass cop.  

Let’s go back and retrace how we got so fucked up; maybe, what we should have done instead.  Let’s try to remember as much as we can and see if we can find some truth in our lives.  Bascially, let’s sing and pray and wait.

CRISPUS

Like Christ waited for Judas to bring death.

PROFESSOR

Maybe.  Maybe.  But, let’s see if we can dig some truth out of our lives.

CRISPUS

Well, you ain’t gonna lemme sleep anyway.

(Moves closer to PROFESSOR.)

What you want to try to remember first?

PROFESSOR

Well, let’s see.  We should start with something simple I guess.  Hmm.  Okay.  Let me see if I can remember all the lyrics to that song first.

“I’m a social reject from the Christian Church”

(Lights begin to go down slowly.)

“Because I didn’t wear a tie on the Feast of Christ’s birth.”

PROFESSOR and CRISPUS

“And my shoes weren’t shine and my hair wasn’t combedA Holy Thursday Lament, p 18

on the night when He prayed in the garden –“

(Lights out.)

 

THE NEXT TABLE

Two cafe tables sit side by side onstage. TOBY is already seated at one table, his back to the other table. ERICA sits in the seat directly behind him so they are back to back. When she pulls out her chair, he turns around, they make brief eye contact and share a smile, and then she sits. They both read the menu. After a second, ERICA sneezes.

Beat.

TOBY: Cute sneeze.
ERICA: What?
TOBY: You have a cute sneeze.
ERICA: Oh. Thanks? You should hear me cough sometime. (she quietly rolls her eyes at herself in a “what is wrong with me” way and goes back to reading the menu.)

Beat. TOBY:Gesundheit, by the way.

ERICA:Thank you.

Beat.

ERICA:Do you speak German?
TOBY: What?
ERICA: Sorry… Gesundheit is German. I just… nevermind.

Beat.

TOBY: It’s just a thing people say when you sneeze. ERICA: Right, like “bless you.”
TOBY: Right.

Beat.

TOBY: If I had said “Bless you” would you have asked if I was a priest? ERICA: No.
TOBY: Okay.

ERICA: Are you?
TOBY: What?
ERICA: A priest?
TOBY: No… I just… you sneezed. ERICA: Right. Yes. This is my fault. TOBY: For sneezing?

ERICA: Kind of. TOBY: That’s silly. ERICA: Yeah.

Beat.

ERICA: Gesundheit is a fun word.
TOBY: I was just thinking that.
ERICA: Yeah. (realizing she’s interrupting) Sorry. I’ll let you… go back to… not being a German speaking priest or whatever.

Beat.

TOBY: Have you (clearing his throat) ever been here before? ERICA: Like… do I come here often?
TOBY: No, like, have you ever gotten the salmon?
ERICA: Oh. Yes, actually.

TOBY: How was it?
ERICA: I got food poisoning.
TOBY: What!?
ERICA: Oh my- I was totally kidding. I really didn’t. That was just a stupid joke. TOBY: Okay.
ERICA: Really, I don’t know why I said that. It just slipped out.
TOBY: Yeah, okay.

Beat.
ERICA: You’re not going to get the salmon now, are you? TOBY: I’m thinking no.
ERICA: Really, I didn’t/ get food poisoning
TOBY: I’m kidding. I wasn’t going to get it anyway. ERICA: Oh. Good.

Beat.

ERICA: Soup is good.
TOBY: Which soup?
ERICA: No, sorry, just… in general, I find soup to be… good… most of the time. TOBY: Ah.

Beat.

TOBY: Are you eating with anyone? ERICA: No.
TOBY: Oh?
ERICA: No, I like eating at restaurants alone. TOBY: Is that a joke?

ERICA: That one’s actually not a joke. TOBY: Oh.

Beat.
ERICA: How about you?

TOBY: I don’t know if I ever thought about it. ERICA: I meant, are you eating with anyone? TOBY: Oh, no, I mean yes, I mean… not right now. ERICA: I can see that.

TOBY: I’m on a blind date.
ERICA: Ew.
TOBY: I’m sorry?
ERICA: (lying) Nothing… I just sneezed again… is all.

Beat.

TOBY: What’s wrong with blind dates?
ERICA: I really sneezed! I wasn’t-
TOBY: My friends set it up for me. I’ve never met her. ERICA: That’s, like, part of the point… right?
TOBY: Yeah… I guess you’re right.

Beat.
TOBY: She could be perfectly wonderful.
ERICA: Or she could be awful or… a Republican… or eat cotton balls or something. TOBY: Eat cotton balls?
ERICA: People do weird things.

Beat.
TOBY: If she turns out to be the love of my life, you’re going to feel pretty stupid. ERICA: I feel pretty stupid all the time, not much changes that.
TOBY: Sorry… I shouldn’t have-

ERICA: (laughing) You were kidding, I can appreciate that. Beat.

TOBY: At least my joke was funnier than saying that the salmon gives you food poisoning. ERICA: Are you still on that?
TOBY: I’m just saying.
ERICA: You should focus on your date.

TOBY: She’s not here yet.
ERICA: Well, then maybe focus on the fact that she could have very well have already come in and left the second she saw you.

Beat.

TOBY: Do people really do that?
ERICA: I was kidding!
TOBY: No, like really, do they really just leave before getting to know you?
ERICA: I don’t know. I mean… I can imagine it happens. But I only ever imagine the worst things happening, okay? So, don’t take my word for it. I don’t know you, I don’t know her, I’m just going to sit here and eat soup because I happen to like most soups.

Beat.

ERICA: Though, it’s a little hot outside today for soup, so/ maybe I’ll get-
TOBY: I’m not like you, okay. I’m an optimist. I give most people the benefit of the doubt and assume they wouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover.
ERICA: Sure.
TOBY: And I think if she did show up and she did walk out… then it’s her loss. Not my loss. Her loss.
ERICA: This is a really good pep talk.
TOBY: Or she could just be running late.
ERICA: Which is also rude.
TOBY: Sometimes people run late.
ERICA: You know, if you eat alone you can avoid that issue altogether.
TOBY:But then who would I talk to?

Beat.

ERICA: What’s her name?
TOBY: What?
ERICA: Your date? These friends of yours, they told you her name, right?
TOBY: Tiffany.
ERICA: Tiffany. And what’s your name?
TOBY: Why?
ERICA: I wanted to know if your names go well together. Like, my name is Erica so I can’t date an “Eric” or an“Aaron” or a “Cole.”
TOBY: (pronouncing the names) Eric, sure… (Aaron) Errr-on… sure… Co- (wait)… Cole… Why not a “Cole”?
ERICA: I just think Cole is a stupid name.
TOBY: Oh.

Beat.
ERICA: If you’re not going to tell me your name, I’m going to assume you’re a spy or something.
TOBY: I’d be okay with that.
ERICA: Fine. I’m just saying I have an instinct for these things and you not telling me your name is not a great sign.

Beat.
ERICA: Unless… is your name Cole? TOBY: No.
ERICA: Did I totally offend you, Cole? TOBY: No, no, it’s… I’m Toby. ERICA: Toby.

Beat.
ERICA: Toby and Tiffany. T-t-t-Tiffany and T-t-t-Toby. Sittin’ in a T-t-t-tree. TOBY: (a little annoyed) Yes, I know, two “T” names.
ERICA: Caught that, did ya?
TOBY: Why do you think I didn’t want to tell you?
ERICA: Relax. You shouldn’t care so much what other people think.

Beat.

ERICA: (singing DEEP BLUE SOMETHING under her breath) “And I said ‘what about Breakfast at Tiffany’s?’ You said ‘I think I remember the film’-”
TOBY: It’s doomed. This is going to be terrible.
ERICA: T-t-t-terrible.

TOBY: I’m serious.
ERICA: Don’t- You’re going to be fine.
TOBY: What if I’m not? What if she’s… I dunno, what if she hates me?

ERICA: This is why I don’t like blind dates. There’s all of this expectation and build up over someone you don’t even know.
TOBY: Aren’t all dates like that?
ERICA: I don’t know… It’s just dinner. Shouldn’t you eat with someone you’re comfortable with? Who you can talk to like they’re, like, ordinary.

TOBY: Well, yeah, ideally. But how often does that happen?

Beat.

TOBY: You’re probably right.
ERICA: Who knows, anyway.
TOBY: I didn’t mean to disrupt your dinner or anything. ERICA: I’m actually not that hungry.
TOBY: Oh?
ERICA: I mostly came in to… nevermind.
TOBY: What?
ERICA: It’s embarrassing.
TOBY: Okay.

Beat.
TOBY: I’m not going to push it or anything, but I am imagining a lot of embarrassing things you could say right now and none of them are as embarrassing as the salmon-food-poisoning joke. ERICA: I just- I came in to feel busy.
TOBY: What?
ERICA: See, nevermind.
TOBY: No, I’m not… I don’t think I understand.
ERICA: When you’re sitting in a restaurant you have things to do. Decisions to make. Things to read. It’s better than just wandering aimlessly.
TOBY: Do you wander aimlessly?
ERICA: Everyone’s gotta have a hobby.
TOBY: Okay.

Beat.
TOBY: I don’t think that’s embarrassing.
ERICA: Really?
TOBY: No more embarrassing than being on a blind date.
ERICA: Yeah. I mean, no, but… yeah, thank you for saying that anyway.

Beat.

ERICA: Do you think- TOBY: I think that’s her. ERICA: What?

TOBY: My date. Tiffany.
ERICA: Oh. Tiffany. Well. There ya go. She didn’t come in and leave. TOBY: Or she changed her mind.
ERICA: That too.
TOBY: So.
ERICA: Well, have fun.
TOBY: Hopefully.

ERICA stands to leave.

ERICA: You should get the salmon. TOBY: (laughs) Okay.

ERICA exits. TOBY looks after her possibly? Or is he looking at the girl walking in? You can’t tell. Lights down.

END OF PLAY

Negotiations

CAST OF CHARACTERS

DECLAN 33, musician

OLIVIA, 33, designer

SETTING

Declan’s city apartment

The stage represents a

kitchen/dinning room of a city

apartment. The kitchen is upstage

left, a dining room to the right.

ii.

Scene 1

TIME: 8:00 am.

At rise: OLIVIA, in an oversize

shirt obviously DECLAN’s, is in

the kitchen unloading the

dishwasher and generally clearing

up wine glasses and dishes still

on the table from the night

before. DECLAN enters in sweats

and watches her confusedly for a

moment without her noticing him.

DECLAN

What are you doing out here?

OLIVIA

(A little surprised but

casually.)

Cleaning up. Don’t like to leave things in disarray.

DECLAN

So, you’re leaving?

OLIVIA

I have to at some point. Does this go on the high shelf? Or

under.

DECLAN

Under.

OLIVIA

Good, I’m not that tall anyway.

DECLAN

We just had sex.

OLIVIA

And this?

DECLAN

The side. Are you going to tell me what’s happening?

OLIVIA

We had sex.

DECLAN

Why?

OLIVIA

We wanted to?

DECLAN

I’ve known you for more than fifteen years, and we’ve never

had sex.

OLIVIA

Why is that, do you suppose?

DECLAN

Probably, because it leads to awkward discussions like this

one.

OLIVIA

Quite right. Let’s not have an awkward discussion. Where’s

the coffee? I have to have coffee to get started.

DECLAN points to the cupboard with

the coffee, watching her.

OLIVIA

(She takes down the coffee

and filters)

I thought it was excellent sex, by the way.

DECLAN

I live to serve.

OLIVIA

Don’t do that.

DECLAN

Do what?

OLIVIA

You know.

DECLAN

Does this make us friends with benefits now?

OLIVIA

Would that be so terrible?

NiCK

I don’t know yet. Sex changes things . . .

OLIVIA

Do we have to stick pins in it and fix it to the wall?

DECLAN

I might have to, yes. I like things clear. Written

instructions, contract law.

OLIVIA

That takes most of the fun out of it, don’t you think?

DECLAN

You’ve just been unfaithful to a man you’re planning to

marry. I think I’m entitled to an explanation.

OLIVIA

I haven’t.

DECLAN

I have it on good authority he means to ask you.

OLIVIA

I broke it off with Breme three weeks ago.

DECLAN

What? And you’re just getting around to telling me?

OLIVIA

I wasn’t aware I was expected to report the details of my

personal life to you.

DECLAN

Expected, no. But usually you share every nuance of your

life. You . . . doted on him.

OLIVIA

I didn’t. I never dote.

DECLAN

You do, you did. You were ecstatically happy.

OLIVIA

I wasn’t. He showed me the ring, by the way.

DECLAN

(Gasping)

Good god, you’ve turned him down? And now, I’m Rebound Guy.

OLIVIA

Don’t do that.

DECLAN

You keep saying “don’t do that” but I don’t know what “that”

you’re talking about.

OLIVIA

Don’t start regretting the sex. By the way, he told me you

picked the ring. What were you thinking?

DECLAN

He gave me three to choose from, and it was the least

offensive.

OLIVIA

You know I don’t like diamonds.

DECLAN

I mentioned that, but he was convinced that if he didn’t get

a diamond, you‘d think that he wasn’t serious about marrying

you. And I had to agree that might be so.

OLIVIA

Imagine his surprise when I pointed out he obviously didn’t

know me if he bought a diamond. He blamed you for picking it

out.

DECLAN

Chump. Well, it seems he’d lose either way.

OLIVIA

He’s rich, and he expects me to take what I’m given and be

quiet about it. Like a little lap dog.

DECLAN

He loves you. And until last night, I believed you loved him.

OLIVIA

He knew I wanted a sapphire.

DECLAN

So you going to punish him for picking out a mind-blowingly

expensive, albeit traditional, piece of jewelry?

OLIVIA

Well, if he can’t get that right . . . Never mind, men can’t

understand this sort of thing.

DECLAN

You have lost your mind!

OLIVIA

Actually, I’ve found it.

DECLAN

This is hysterical. You are being hyster . ..

OLIVIA

Men say women are hysterical when they find it difficult to

manage them.

DECLAN

I admit to that. I don’t know how to deal with you

sometimes. You run whenever someone gets close though.

OLIVIA

I wouldn’t talk if I were you. Just to be clear, I broke up

with him before he asked. I didn’t expect him to pick a ring

without consulting me.

DECLAN

So that’s the issue, he hadn’t consulted you? I need to sit

down.

OLIVIA

Maybe you should marry him then.

DECLAN

You are being irrational.

OLIVIA

I’m not.

DECLAN

It’s just a ring. An expensive one at that.

OLIVIA

It is never just a ring, Dec.

DECLAN

But you said you broke up with him before he showed you the

ring.

OLIVIA

I did.

DECLAN

Why?

OLIVIA

I felt inertia.

DECLAN

Inertia? What do you . . .

OLIVIA

Yes. Like everyday from there on out would be exactly the

same as every day had been for the past two years. Stable.

Steady. Uneventful.

DECLAN

You told him that?

OLIVIA

Something along those lines.

DECLAN

But you were happy. I saw you laughing and feeling great.

You went on endlessly about him like he . . . he was a super

hero. You never stopped chattering about him.

OLIVIA

Maybe, I was trying to convince myself.

DECLAN

You can’t be serious. I know you, this is just a detour . . .

OLIVIA

(Getting angry)

Look, it’s my decision. Or is it just hotter screwing an

almost-married woman than a single one?

DECLAN

Hey, I don’t deserve that.

OLIVIA

Don’t you?

DECLAN

You’ll be back together before the end of the month, and

he’ll ask me what happened. You’ll expect me not to tell him

I slept with you, and I’m a very bad liar.

OLIVIA

(Begins tossing pans,

erratically into the

cupboards.)

That might have been possible before I saw the ring, but

after it, the decision was clear.

DECLAN

(Watching her, gets up.)

Let me do this, you’ll hurt yourself. And me.

OLIVIA

I’m not helpless, you know.

DECLAN

Believe me, I am aware of that.

OLIVIA

I mean about the dishes.

DECLAN

Ha. Domestically, you leave a lot to be desired.

OLIVIA

Do you want to make a list of all my shortcomings, so I can

consult it whenever you’re not around to remind me?

DECLAN

I’m simply pointing out the limits of your domestic virtues.

OLIVIA

Oh, here it comes.

DECLAN

What comes?

OLIVIA

The lecture about how I’m always so “challenging.”

DECLAN

Well, you don’t make it easy for men to date you or care

about you. Most of them are completely baffled by your moods,

your idiosyncracies. What woman doesn’t like diamonds, for

example? It’s weird.

OLIVIA

Oh, bite me. And I’d like to point out that what you just

said–lecture!

(She slams a pan onto the

counter.)

DECLAN

Could you at least stop tossing the dishes around? I’m

entitled to one request before the firing squad, I hope.

OLIVIA

So why did you have sex with me, since I am so moody and

idiosyncratic?

DECLAN

I said you had those things, not that you were those things.

OLIVIA

I make it hard on men who date and care for me. Like you?

DECLAN

Well, no. I just always feel like I have to coach your

boyfriends into understanding you.

OLIVIA

Perhaps you should mind your own business.

DECLAN

I’ve only ever wanted to be helpful.

OLIVIA

So you could get somebody to take me off your hands.

DECLAN

What? No.

OLIVIA

You want me off your conscience, admit it.

DECLAN

Why would you say that? Have I ever treated you like a

burden or millstone?

OLIVIA

You are right now.

DECLAN

Exactly what is it you’re mad about? That I’m shocked that

you gave Breme the heave-ho or that we had sex?

OLIVIA

(Laughs.)

The heave-ho! What a funny expression!

DECLAN

You’re not answering the question.

OLIVIA

I’m just pointing out that you are more upset with my breakup

than I am.

DECLAN

Not really.

OLIVIA

Seems so.

DECLAN

I don’t care that you broke up, but you seem unnerved, coming

out here doing something you’d never normally do at this time

of day.

OLIVIA

So I’m a slacker, to boot?

DECLAN

I don’t know what’s going on with you. You usually tell me

everything. You’ve finished with a man you were crazy about

a month ago. And adding casual sex to our relationship could

change everything.

OLIVIA

Like what?

DECLAN

Well, I don’t know. That’s why I want to clarify things.

OLIVIA

It wasn’t casual, as I remember it. The sex.

DECLAN

(Pauses)

Admittedly, it wasn’t.

OLIVIA

(To the skillet)

So, it’s established it wasn’t casual.

DECLAN

I just said it wasn’t.

(Takes the skillet from her.)

OLIVIA

And? I assume you’ve had sex before.

DECLAN

Not with you I haven’t.

OLIVIA

Was it different than you expected?

DECLAN

What? I didn’t expect. I never expect . . .

OLIVIA

Well, don’t be a bastard. Am I so unattractive that in

fifteen years you’ve never imagined us in the sack?

DECLAN

Of course, you are, but . . .

OLIVIA

We’ve kissed before.

DECLAN

Yes. I remember we kissed.

OLIVIA

But you’ve never made a pass until last night.

DECLAN

You were the one that made the pass last night.

OLIVIA

Me?

DECLAN

Yes, you. You kissed me.

OLIVIA

Okay, let’s just say, for the sake of argument only, that I

kissed you. All the more curious that you never made a pass.

DECLAN

I didn’t imagine I was, you know, even in the running.

Besides, that is a loaded question.

OLIVIA

Is it? How so? Was it because of our friend, Daniel, that you

never . . . ?

DECLAN

What does Daniel have to do with this? Is that what this is

about? You want Daniel back?

(Tosses the skillet.)

OLIVIA

Oh, please, I want to know why you and I never had sex

before? Was it because once in 15 years Daniel and I dated,

and you’ve been unnecessarily loyal?

DECLAN

That’s ridiculous.

OLIVIA

We’ve known each other long enough. It wouldn’t have been

surprising if we’d had sex. People certainly expected us to.

DECLAN

Who expected us to?

OLIVIA

Daniel, for one.

DECLAN

See, we’re back to Daniel.

OLIVIA

Okay, Margaret. Margaret actually refuses to believe we

haven’t had sex.

DECLAN

My sister, Margaret?

OLIVIA

The very same.

DECLAN

Well, she’s just being nosy.

OLIVIA

Alas! The question remains.

DECLAN

Alas?

OLIVIA

Alas.

DECLAN

Have you been drinking?

OLIVIA

That’s it! In the time it took you to shower, I’ve been out

here downing Jello shots.

DECLAN

You had a considerable amount of brandy last night.

OLIVIA

Then I’d be hung over, not drunk.

DECLAN

Is that why we had sex? Because of all the brandy?

OLIVIA

I’d like to point out that we’ve had brandy before.

DECLAN

I know but we drank the whole bottle.

OLIVIA

It was only half full.

DECLAN

Three quarters.

OLIVIA

Fine. Three quarters, but the question still remains.

DECLAN

And what is your answer to that question?

OLIVIA

Chicken shit.

DECLAN

Who?

OLIVIA

Both of us.

DECLAN

Well . . . Well, what do you mean by chicken shit?

OLIVIA

You and me have been too afraid of what might happen if we

had sex.

DECLAN

Why should we be frightened by that?

OLIVIA

You spent the last ten minutes trying to clarify. For the

sake of world peace, was it?

DECLAN

I assure you, I . . . am . . . I’m not afraid of having sex

with you. I just did, didn’t I?

OLIVIA

(Laughing)

Oh, my god, you so are.

DECLAN

I just treat friends differently than lovers.

OLIVIA

Of course, you do. That’s why you’re still with the married

cellist.

DECLAN

Alright. I’m a little nervous, but only because it’s a

slippery slope to have sex with friends.

OLIVIA

Whereas sex with strangers is a cake-walk.

DECLAN

Why are you out here clanging pots and pans?

OLIVIA

I admit, it scares me shitless.

DECLAN

What am I, an ogre?

OLIVIA

Oh, for heaven sake.

DECLAN

Just asking.

OLIVIA

For clarity?

DECLAN

Yes, yes, for clarity.

OLIVIA

Yes, you are an ogre.

DECLAN

What? . . .

OLIVIA

You had to ask!

DECLAN

What exactly are we talking about here?

OLIVIA

Sex. We wanted to, we had the opportunity, and now we have

to pick it apart bit by little bit before it causes

complications.

DECLAN

What sort of complications?

OLIVIA

You tell me Mr. Needs-clarity.

DECLAN

I need to know whether we are opening up eh . . . eh

OLIVIA

Can of worms?

DECLAN

Pandora’s box.

OLIVIA

At least, that’s a better metaphor. Not by much though.

DECLAN

You said you wanted to.

OLIVIA

I did. Did you?

DECLAN

Yes, we wanted to and we did.

OLIVIA

Right.

DECLAN

So from time to time, we might have sex with one another. Is

that it? Since you and Breme are no longer an item.

OLIVIA

How often is time to time?

DECLAN

I don’t know, it could be once . . . a . . . a, once a month

perhaps?

OLIVIA

Or more? Maybe even regularly.

DECLAN

(Hesitantly.)

That could be a possibility.

OLIVIA

Or, now, just think about this.

DECLAN

Yes?

OLIVIA

We might have sex after going to a movie or dinner or a night

out.

DECLAN

Might we?

OLIVIA

Yes.

DECLAN

You don’t think that’s a gray area?

OLIVIA

It could be, but we often do all of those things a few times

a month anyway.

DECLAN

That’s true, we do, but would we be required to?

OLIVIA

After just one night, you’re worried the sex will be

obligatory?

DECLAN

We’re clarifying things. Hypothetically.

OLIVIA

No. Never required. Hypothetically.

DECLAN

But what? Expected?

OLIVIA

No, not expected? Maybe . . .

DECLAN

Anticipated?

OLIVIA

Hoped for?

DECLAN

Well, is that even possible? I mean when I go out with

someone, unless it’s you, that is, I anticipate a favorable

ending.

OLIVIA

And I provide an unfavorable ending?

DECLAN

No, of course not.

OLIVIA

But you’ve found anticipation works out for you?

DECLAN

More often than not.

OLIVIA

I’m sticking with hoped for.

DECLAN

Okay, I can live with that.

OLIVIA

The other area of concern is the personal.

DECLAN

What do you mean area of concern?

OLIVIA

Well, like you said before, I tend to tell you every nuance

of my life.

DECLAN

You do.

OLIVIA

And I think you’d agree, you share much of your life as well

with me.

DECLAN

Not everything though.

OLIVIA

I’ll chalk that up to you’re being a man. May we still share

our . . . What shall I call it? Dating details.

DECLAN

Ah.

OLIVIA

Will that be a problem?

DECLAN

Why should it be?

OLIVIA

So if I told you I’m going out with someone tonight, do I

still get to call you tomorrow and give details?

DECLAN

I see what you mean. Well, I don’t know.

OLIVIA

Would you feel jealous?

DECLAN

Jealous? No!

OLIVIA

Okay.

DECLAN

Not jealous but perhaps a little, just a tad, guarded.

OLIVIA

In other words, no, we should not share those things anymore.

DECLAN

Probably not.

OLIVIA

Okay.

DECLAN

Wouldn’t you feel a little jealous if I shared. . .?

OLIVIA

Depends on who it is.

DECLAN

What do you mean?

OLIVIA

Well, if you talking about the cellist, it’s actually pretty

entertaining.

DECLAN

And if you get back with Breme? Should I be entertained?

OLIVIA

What a ridiculous name. Why didn’t I see that before? Why

didn’t you see it?

DECLAN

I thought you were happy.

OLIVIA

It sounds like a household product, for goodness sake.

DECLAN

Back to the question at hand.

OLIVIA

Which is?

DECLAN

Sharing dating details.

OLIVIA

I thought we agreed not to.

DECLAN

I think we could still share, but we should have a code word

if one of us feels . . .

OLIVIA

Guarded?

DECLAN

Yes.

OLIVIA

Like what?

DECLAN

Like . . . featherbed.

OLIVIA

What?

DECLAN

Or something else.

OLIVIA

(Laughing)

Featherbed? Is there some reason that word springs to mind?

DECLAN

Maybe.

OLIVIA

Is it from the cellist?

DECLAN

No, it’s from a John Denver song.

OLIVIA

John Denver? Who is John Denver?

DECLAN

He’s a singer from the seventies. My dad listens to him.

Grandma’s Featherbed is the song. It just came to mind.

Really, it doesn’t matter, we can use anything.

OLIVIA

Grandma? Sex with me brings Grandma to mind?

DECLAN

A code word to derail the discussion about our exes.

18.

OLIVIA

(Pauses to look him over)

Featherbed is okay. It’s just weird enough to serve.

DECLAN

Good.

OLIVIA

So. Anything else?

DECLAN

What if we, or one of us, starts to feel, I don’t know, a

greater degree of affection, shall we say, than the other,

what then?

OLIVIA

Ah, well, then we have to renegotiate.

DECLAN

Renegotiate? Are we negotiating?

OLIVIA

If one of us wants to see the other more frequently than two

or three times a month, say.

DECLAN

That’s another awkward conversation.

OLIVIA

What do you suggest?

DECLAN

I think we have to agree to stop if one of us wants more than

benefits.

OLIVIA

Ah, so, no conversation, just becoming unavailable.

DECLAN

Not necessarily. We should have the right to call the end of

the game though.

OLIVIA

So it’s a game?

DECLAN

I’m better with sports metaphors.

OLIVIA

But what if one of us thinks the other is getting more

“affectionate,” and it’s not that at all?

DECLAN

What do you mean?

OLIVIA

It’s not the end of the game, just the end of an inning, say.

DECLAN

Ah, an inning.

OLIVIA

It might be just another turn at bat that’s mutually

beneficial.

DECLAN

I see.

OLIVIA

One of us could be thinking the game is over, and it’s really

a . . . a . . . change of innings.

DECLAN

It’s the seventh inning stretch!

OLIVIA

Exactly. There’s still 2 innings left to play.

DECLAN

Yes. Maybe there’s a change of pitchers. Or, the bases are

loaded, and a full count, two outs, but the guy on third is

poised to steal home.

OLIVIA

Yeah, I have no idea what you are talking about now.

DECLAN

You know baseball.

OLIVIA

Yes, but I have never applied it to my love life.

DECLAN

Well, I mean, it could also be a pop fly that could go fair

or foul.

OLIVIA

I got nothing.

DECLAN

Never mind. Still, it’s one thing to lose benefits but

another to loose a fifteen year friendship.

OLIVIA

True. That wouldn’t be good.

DECLAN

No. Definitely not.

OLIVIA

Maybe we should just forget benefits altogether.

DECLAN

Meaning, no sex again. Go back to being friends only.

OLIVIA

Yes.

DECLAN

Yes. (Pause) That would keep the boundaries clear. We

wouldn’t need a code word.

OLIVIA

Or the awkward conversations.

DECLAN

Right. Or . . .

OLIVIA

Or?

DECLAN

We set one day aside every few months to reevaluate. No

pressure, just give a scouting report on how we see the . . .

game progressing.

OLIVIA

Once a month.

DECLAN

That often?

OLIVIA

Yep.

DECLAN

Once a month?

OLIVIA

Today’s the 12th, so we reassess next month on the twelfth.

DECLAN

Sure, but February only has 28 days, so it wouldn’t

technically be a month.

OLIVIA

Actually, technically, it would be the month of February.

DECLAN

Yes, but it’s four weeks and . . . well . . .

OLIVIA

We can skip February altogether. It’s a risky month with

Valentine’s day, and a couple is lucky to make it through

that month at all.

DECLAN

Deal.

OLIVIA

Deal.

They shake hands.

DECLAN

(awkwardly)

Alright. Yes.

OLIVIA

Great.

DECLAN

Seems we ought to have something more than a handshake.

OLIVIA

Well, we could, shall we say, return to the field.

DECLAN

That would definitely be in order.

(He moves in closer to her.)

They kiss.

OLIVIA

(Drawing back.)

You said, I run away whenever someone gets close.

DECLAN

That was probably a little harsh. I didn’t mean . . .

OLIVIA

I’m not saying you’re wrong, mind you. Heaven knows, I’ve had

a slew of love affairs. Before Breme, there was Allen and

before that Jeffery, and Michael . . .

DECLAN

Featherbed, featherbed.

OLIVIA

Sorry. But it’s just as possible that I’m . . .

DECLAN

(Wanting to kiss her again)

Let’s just forget . . .

OLIVIA

(Ignoring him.)

Not running away from anyone. I might be simply coming back

to same person again and again.

DECLAN

The same person? Like Daniel?

OLIVIA

(Laughs.)

The person who picks me up when I’ve broken down, who feeds

me dinner.

(Gestures to the table.)

Buys me brandy. Explains me to my boyfriends . . .

DECLAN

That’s . . . even a possibility?

OLIVIA

(She kisses him.)

Hypothetically speaking.

DECLAN

I admit . . . I . . . much prefer that explanation.

OLIVIA

Do you?

DECLAN

Yes.

OLIVIA

Well, then . . .

(She moves in closer to him)

They kiss and exit toward the

bedroom, tossing clothes as they

go.

End of play.

Man’s Best Friend

SYNOPSIS

When Jane goes to visit her elderly parents, she discovers that her father has acquired a

dog. An invisible dog. Her concern for his mental stability soon gives way to anger at

her mother for allowing him this delusion. But the root of her father’s need for canine

companionship is more complicated than simple dementia, and Jane comes to realize the

sad but necessary truth about coping with loss.

ESTIMATED RUNNING TIME

20 minutes

CAST REQUIREMENTS

2 female actors, 1 male actor

SET

The suggestion of a living room – the only essential piece of furniture is a sofa, but this

could be suggested by a line of chairs, cubes, etc.

MAN’S BEST FRIEND

Characters

JANE about 45 years old

CELIA about 70 years old

HAL about 70 years old

Afternoon, the living room of an elderly married couple.

Lights up on CELIA, who is knitting.

A knock on the door, and JANE opens it,

poking her head in.

JANE

Anybody home?

JANE enters carrying a brown bag full of

books, and an overnight case. CELIA starts

to get up.

JANE (continued)

No, no. Don’t get up.

CELIA

Don’t be silly. I’m not a cripple.

JANE

Sit down. I haven’t forgotten my way around.

CELIA

It’s been so long since you last visited, I thought maybe

you might have.

JANE

And I’m sure you’d be happy to have me still living here?

CELIA

I only meant that I wish we could see you a bit more often.

JANE sets down the bag and case, and gives

CELIA a hug.

JANE

I do, too. You know I do. It’s just hard for me to come

up here that often.

CELIA

It’s only two hours.

JANE

It’s not just the drive, Mom.

CELIA

Sometimes, I think that you don’t like coming to visit.

JANE

Mom, you know it’s not like that. Anyway, I’m here now,

and you and Dad have me until Sunday.

(beat)

Where is Dad? I bought him this bag of books at the

library sale. They let you fill up a whole bag for three

dollars. And there was one table that looked like they

sorted it just for him. All his favorites. I snagged him

five or six Zane Grays. He’s probably read most of them

before, but I figured he wouldn’t remember.

CELIA

(abruptly)

Your father’s mind is fine. You have no right to—

JANE

I didn’t mean it like that. I only meant that—

Mom, Dad never remembers anything he reads. Or movies, or

TV. It all just goes in and right back out again. He’s

always been like that. Why would you think—?

CELIA

I’m sorry. You’re right.

(beat)

He hasn’t been reading much lately.

JANE

Dad not reading?

(a moment)

He’s not going blind, is he?

CELIA

No, no. He can still see a bug on the fencepost. He just

doesn’t have so much time for reading now.

JANE

What do you mean? Why?

CELIA

It’s since… since he got…

JANE

What? Come on.

CELIA

Since he got the… dog.

JANE

You guys got a dog?

CELIA

Yes. Well, your father did.

JANE

Mom, that’s great! You know they say having a pet helps

you live longer. It keeps you happier and healthier.

CELIA

Well, it keeps your father from reading. And from doing a

lot of his chores and other things around here. He’s

out… walking it now.

JANE

See, exercise. Healthy. You should be out walking, too.

CELIA

It’s really his dog. He spends a lot of time, um… taking

care of it.

JANE

Mom, are you jealous? You’ve become a dog-widow. What

kind is it?

CELIA

Well… you’ll see when he gets back.

JANE

I love those funny little pug dogs. But they’re a bit too

precious for Dad. And you’re not supposed to get purebred

dogs anymore. So many perfectly good mutts in shelters

need homes. Where’d he get it?

CELIA

I really don’t know. He just… had it when I came home.

JANE

He didn’t even ask you?

CELIA

I didn’t think it would be a problem. Look, it seems to

help him, so…

JANE

You don’t like the dog, do you? Mom, I can tell. It’s

not fair to you if you don’t like it. You need to tell

him. But do it before he gets too attached, or the dog

starts to feel at home. How long has he had it?

HAL’s voice is heard calling from offstage.

HAL

Is that Janie’s car in the driveway? Janie?

HAL enters.

JANE

Hi Dad.

JANE and HAL hug. He looks her over.

HAL

You get prettier every time I see you.

JANE

Yeah, right, Dad. You look good, though. And you’re

moving great compared to last time I saw you.

HAL

I feel great.

HAL does a quick little jig.

CELIA

Hal, stop acting like a child. You’ll hurt yourself.

HAL

Your mother envies my perennial youth.

JANE

It must be the dog walking. Where is this new family

member?

CELIA

Yes. I told her about your new dog.

JANE

Where is he? Or she?

HAL

She. She’s playing out in the front yard.

JANE goes quickly to the door.

JANE

Dad, there’s no fence. You can’t leave her there. What if

she runs into the street? She could get hit—

HAL

She’s not gonna run into the street, honey.

JANE has swung open the door, looking out.

JANE

There’s no dog out here. She’s gone. Dad!

She crosses back to HAL.

JANE (continued)

What were you thinking, letting her run loose?

HAL steps out the door, and whistles.

HAL

(offstage)

Daisy! Here, girl. C’mere, girl.

(brief pause)

Atta girl. Good dog.

(calling in to JANE)

She’s right here, Jane. Good God, you’re as bad as your

mother, thinking I can’t even take care of a dog.

HAL enters, and stands inside the door. A

few moments pass, as he looks at the two

women, and JANE looks at him.

HAL (continued)

Well? I think you owe me a small apology. Don’t you?

JANE looks to CELIA for some guidance, but

CELIA just continues knitting.

JANE

Dad, I don’t understand. Where’s—

HAL

She doesn’t understand.

HAL kneels down and hugs the imaginary dog.

HAL (continued)

(to his imaginary dog)

You understand me, eh, girl? No generation gap between us.

JANE

Mom, what’s going on?

CELIA

What do you mean?

JANE

I mean this “dog” thing.

HAL

Janie, she is not a “thing”.

(to the dog)

She didn’t mean it. You’re the best dog in the world,

aren’t you girl.

JANE

Dad, stop this. It’s ridiculous.

CELIA

It’s okay, Jane.

HAL

Just because a dog isn’t purebred, that doesn’t make it any

less loving, or loyal.

(to the dog)

Does it, Daisy. You’re such a good doggie.

JANE takes CELIA aside.

JANE

What is going on?

CELIA

He… has a dog. I told you that.

HAL sits on the sofa.

JANE

How long has he been like this?

HAL reacts as the dog jumps onto the sofa.

HAL

Daisy. No, Daisy. Get down.

CELIA

(to HAL)

Maybe you should take the dog out back, Hal. Here. Take

her ball and throw it for her.

CELIA picks up the imaginary dog’s imaginary

ball, and hands it to HAL.

HAL

We just got back from our walk. Let me talk with Janie,

for god’s sake. Come sit down and talk, Janie.

CELIA

Hal, take Daisy outside.

(brief pause)

Jane’s allergic to dogs.

HAL

You always loved dogs.

JANE

It… sorta just developed in me. A few years ago.

CELIA

That’s why she won’t go near the dog, dear. Now take it

outside, before your daughter…breaks out in a rash, or

something.

HAL gets up, bounces the imaginary ball, and

leads the dog out.

HAL

Come on, girl. Ball? Ball? That’s a good girl. Let’s

play ball.

JANE looks to make sure HAL is gone, then

goes to CELIA.

CELIA

Now don’t you start with me.

JANE

Start what? Mom, he’s sick. He needs help.

CELIA

Your father is not sick. He’s…

JANE

He’s what? What do you call a man with an imaginary dog?

Eccentric? Interesting?

CELIA

You don’t understand. Daisy… comforts him.

JANE

“Daisy” is not there. There is no Daisy. Does he see

other things that aren’t there?

CELIA

Of course not. Except for the dog toys, and leash, and dog

food. Just those “dog” things, you know.

(beat)

He needed a dog. That’s all.

JANE

That’s not all. He’s delusional. You need to have him

looked at. For Christ’s sake, Mom, it might be

something…physical. A tumor or something. Even if it’s

not, if it’s some mental problem, either way, he’s sick,

Mom. He needs to see a doctor.

CELIA

Your father is not sick. You said it yourself, he looks

great. And his dog is why. What’s the harm, if it makes

him feel better.

JANE

I’m not going to argue with you, Mom. He’s sick and I’m

taking him to the doctor.

CELIA

He’s not sick.

JANE

He is.

CELIA

He isn’t sick!

(very long beat)

I am.

JANE

(a silence)

Mom?

CELIA

It’s why I asked you to come down. I couldn’t tell you

over the phone.

JANE steps away, and she looks out a window.

JANE

What is going on here? Dad’s in the yard with an invisible

dog, and you’re… What?

CELIA

It’s come back. The cancer. In my pancreas this time.

It’s—

JANE

Mom, did you…? I mean, what are they doing about it?

CELIA

There’s nothing they can do. Oh, I’m getting some

treatments to slow the growth, but it’s really just a

matter of time.

JANE

Are you just going to County? There’s other places.

Better places.

CELIA

Jane, I’m dying. I’m passed denying that. I’m beyond

fighting it.

JANE steps away, and again looks outside.

JANE

Does he know?

CELIA

Yes, honey. Of course he knows.

JANE

Well, Jesus, mom. What the hell is he doing?

CELIA

Jane, there’s no call for that kind of language.

HAL enters, behind his imaginary dog.

HAL

(to the dog)

Hey! Hey! Settle down, now. You’re inside, Daisy. Go

easy. That’s a good girl.

JANE approaches HAL.

JANE

How could you?

HAL

Could I what?

JANE

How dare you treat her like this?

HAL looks to the dog.

HAL

Janie, she has to behave in the house.

JANE slaps HAL.

CELIA

Jane!

JANE

She needs you.

HAL grabs hold of JANE’s wrist.

HAL

Just what has gotten into you, young lady?

JANE

Let go of me.

HAL

Not before I know why my own child has hit me.

CELIA

Both of you. Please, stop!

JANE

I know what’s going on. Mom told me.

CELIA

Hal, let go of her. Jane, stop struggling. There’s no

reason—

JANE

How can you act like this when Mom’s dying?

CELIA

Just drop it! Please!

HAL releases JANE in response to her

question. The room is uncomfortably quiet

and still. Then HAL goes to CELIA.

HAL

I’m gonna take Daisy down to the park. Let her chase the

pigeons. She likes to chase the pigeons.

CELIA

I know she does. You go ahead, dear.

HAL

(to the dog)

Come on, Daisy. Let’s get your leash on.

HAL starts to exit, passing JANE without a

look or word. He stops at the door and

turns back to CELIA.

HAL (continued)

Maybe while I’m gone, you can remind our daughter about

respect for her parents in their own house.

(to the dog)

Come on, girl.

HAL exits.

JANE

You can’t encourage him like that, Mom. He needs to be

helping you. You need him… helping you.

CELIA

I need him to be happy.

JANE

I know how hard it must be for you, but you can’t just let

Dad…fall apart, too. How long’s he been acting like this?

CELIA

I’ve told you already. You’re father is not crazy. He’s

completely aware of what’s going on, in this house, in the

world. It’s not like you think it is. He isn’t “acting”

like anything.

JANE

Mom!

CELIA

He just has a dog. He’s got Daisy a few days after we

learned about my…

(beat)

Oh, Jane. Was I worried? Of course I was, at first. But

when I stopped worrying about it, I began to see that your

father was happier with the dog.

(beat)

When the doctor told us… well, your father…started

crying. I think he was more upset than I was. Your father

hadn’t been like that since your grandmother died. For two

or three days, he was… He just sat around the house. He

didn’t seem to know what to do.

(CELIA continues)

It got to the point where I was angry at him, for shutting

down on me. That he should feel sorrier for himself than

for me. After all, I’m the one who’s dying.

JANE

Oh, Mom, don’t…

CELIA

So I made him go out. I made him leave the house and take

a walk. I had to scream at him, but he finally left.

(pause)

And when he came home, he had Daisy.

(beat)

I thought why is this happening now? Why, when I’m so

sick? And I told the doctor.

JANE

So you did ask him about Dad? What did he say?

CELIA

He told me not to worry about it. He told me if it helped

Hal, that I should let him have his dog. Let him rely on

her. Especially when we have to deal with my situation.

JANE

I bet it’s not that uncommon. Right? I mean…

CELIA

That dog helped your father come back to life. And that’s

all I need from him right now. That he not die with me.

JANE

(long pause)

Did the doctor say…? How long do they think?

CELIA

It’s different for everyone. Three months, or if I’m

lucky…

(sad laugh)

Lucky. Well, then maybe even a year.

JANE hugs CELIA.

JANE

Oh, Mom. I don’t want you to die.

CELIA

Neither does your father. And certainly I don’t want it

either. But it’s going to happen. And it doesn’t make it

any better to let it get the best of you.

JANE

(pause)

Do you think the dog will still… I mean, do you think

Dad will still have the dog… you know, after you’re gone.

CELIA

I doubt it. But if he does, I think that’s just fine. And

he’ll still have you, and you’ll have him.

CELIA goes to a shelf and gets a photo

album. She sits on the sofa.

CELIA (continued)

Come sit down. I want to look at some of our pictures.

JANE

Yeah. That would be nice.

JANE sits next to CELIA.

CELIA

Look at you, with your bicycle. That was when your father

took off the training wheels.

JANE

That was such a cool bike. I hated when I got too big for

it. There’s you and Dad in Hawaii. You look so young.

CELIA

We were young.

HAL enters with the dog.

CELIA (continued)

Back already?

HAL

There wasn’t a single pigeon at the park today. Old Daise

must’ve scared ‘em all off last week.

(to the dog)

Is that what you did, you silly dog?

CELIA

Jane and I are looking at the family album. Come sit down.

HAL looks at JANE. JANE goes to him.

JANE

I’m sorry, Dad. I was… I’m tired, and it was a long

drive. I’m really sorry.

HAL

(making it a joke)

Sorry? For what?

(beat)

Ah, Janie, you don’t ever have to be sorry for anything to

me.

HAL hugs her.

CELIA

Come sit down, you two. Look at these ones. When we took

that camping trip to Yosemite.

They sit on the sofa, flanking CELIA.

HAL

I miss a good camping trip. Dark starry skies, roaring

campfire.

JANE

Toasted marshmallows.

CELIA

I don’t miss the mosquitos.

The dog apparently jumps onto the sofa.

HAL

(to the dog)

Daisy, no! Down! You know you’re not allowed on the sofa.

JANE looks at her father, and then at the

invisible dog. She gestures to the dog, and

pats the sofa next to herself.

JANE

(to the dog)

Here, girl. Come on. Up!

HAL

Janie…

JANE strokes the dog, next to her on the

sofa.

JANE

Dad, she’s one of the family. She can sit with us, can’t

she?

CELIA smiles at JANE.

HAL

I suppose it couldn’t hurt anything. She’s a good dog,

isn’t she?

JANE

She really is.

Lights down.

END PLAY