SYNOPSIS

JANICE meets KEUM LEE in a zoom meeting, after discovering through DNA and Ancestor.com that they are half-sisters, and that her father had a Korean family when he was in the Korean War in the 50’s.    They compare stories and find that they had very different fathers, though he was the same man.   Can they reconcile their bitterness and be grateful they have found each other?   Or has the past wounded them both too deeply?

 

 

 

CAST LIST                        INCLUSIVE

JANICE                             Woman,  70ish        American

KEUM JA LEE                   Woman  70ish         Korean American woman

TIME                                 Present

PLACE                              ZOOM, OR BLACK BOX

 

 

LIGHTS UP: KEUM JA LEE, and JANICE PETERSEN,
ONSCREEN, MEETING ON ZOOM

 

JANICE

Keum?

KEUM

Janice?

JANICE

Hi.   Yes!   Hi.

KEUM

Sorry I’m late.   That last zoom meeting went overtime.

JANICE

I know.  This is my third zoom today.    Well.  Here’s to us.  (raises a glass of white wine)  And zoom.

KEUM

What else is there, these days?   (raises her glass of white wine)

JANICE

It’s happy hour, here in Berkeley.  Sauv Blanc.

KEUM

Dessert.  Here in In Boston.  Riesling.   Cheers!  (they toast)

JANICE

(pause)  You look a little different —  than  your profile picture  –

KEUM

It was taken about five years ago – when I first sent my DNA sample in.

JANICE

Annnd — here’s to  DNA.   And Ancestry.com.    (raises her glass, drinks)

KEUM

And  the Human Genome Project!     (raises her glass, drinks)

JANICE

And this — conference?    Again?      What —

KEUM

Oh.  G.O.A.L.   Yes, I’m on the Board.

JANICE

G.O.A.L. —?

KEUM

Global Overseas Adoption Link.   An organization to acculturate  Korean people, who were adopted… and  brought up — well.  All over the world.

JANICE

Oh.  Right.

KEUM

(pause)  You  – look like him.

JANICE

People tell me that.

KEUM

The eyes.    The square chin.  (KEUM holds up  a worn black and white photograph, carefully laminated, to show JANICE).

JANICE

Oh.  (gasps)   He looks so young.

KEUM

He was about thirty-five then.

JANICE

What I mean to say is… he’s laughing.

KEUM

He was always laughing.  Big, loud, laugh.  Booming laugh.

JANICE

Yes.    Booming laugh.  Yes.   When he did laugh.      And this must be —

KEUM

My mother.   Yes.  Kim Sook Ja.   And me.

JANICE

Beautiful.  Woman.    (with some bitterness)   A  happy family.

KEUM

He left us.    Not long after that.    They signed the Armistice.     And he went  —

JANICE

Home.   He came home.   To us.    (pause)   Your mother…?  Is she still alive?

KEUM

I don’t know.   It’s not likely.    My mother and father never married, so –

JANICE

(snaps)  Because he was already married.  To my mother.

KEUM

What I meant to say is…   Unwed mothers… in Korea, in 1965…  and a half-breed daughter.   We were ghosts.    Evil spirits.   I  was “TuiGi”- dust of the street.  Child of the devil.    My mother was Yang Kal Bo,  foreigner’s whore.   No one would help us.

JANICE

(pause)  My god.   Keum.

KEUM

Why so many of us Korean/American babies were adopted, and grew up all over the world.   We were — dust of the street, at home.

JANICE

Did my father… ever  try to  – help you?

KEUM

He left us money.   Enough for a long time.   If we could have  stayed in our village.  But no one in my mother’s village would open their door to us.    Not even my grandmother.

JANICE

What happened… where did you —

KEUM

We stayed near the base,  until the money ran out.  We stayed  with an aunt,  but then she had to send us away.     I think — he –continued to send us money .. but by then we were nowhere….living on the streets.   I don’t know what happened to it.

JANICE

How did you live?  What  — what did you eat?

KEUM

Handouts.   garbage.    My mother  — worked–  for the soldiers.    She could not  take care of me,  so she gave me up for adoption.   I never saw her after that.

JANICE

Oh.   Keum.   Oh.

KEUM

There were thousands of us.   War Babies,  they called us.  The  churches finally set up  adoption agencies.  Thousands of Korean children grew up in America, Germany, Switzerland.
Everywhere but Korea.

JANICE

Where — did you —

KEUM

I was very lucky.  I was adopted by a wonderful couple in Denver.

JANICE

Denver.  Oh.

KEUM

Janice.     Why did you …contact me?

JANICE

The day after I got my DNA results, from Ancestry.com,    I — saw your name.  Top of the list.     My closest DNA  match.   82% match.

KEUM

A Korean name.    Yes.   I imagine you were — surprised.

JANICE

And your profile.  Your age.    Well, I knew…  right away.    (pause)  My father- our father—  anyway.   So.   I wanted to meet you.    I was hoping… we might  become — oh.   I don’t know.  Acquainted.  (pause)   Friends.

KEUM

Our father.   (takes a breath)    Is he… still… alive?

JANICE

Ah.  No.   I – he –  died four years ago.

KEUM

Oh.   (gasps)  Oh!

JANICE

Sorry.   I’m so sorry.   That was  –   abrupt.   I’m so sorry.   You didn’t know.

KEUM

(in disbelief)    Four years ago.

JANICE

Yes.   In a VA hospital.    In Martinez.    He had the best of care.

KEUM

Were you with him when – – -?

JANICE

My mother and I.   Were there.   Yes.   They divorced years ago,  but she and I   took care of him,   in the last months.     She’s gone, too.    Now.

KEUM

How… did he die?

JANICE

Lung cancer.   Liver disease.   He smoked two packs a day and drank  — a lot.     Bourbon.   Johnny Walker Black Label.

KEUM

No.   No.   He drank very little.  And he did not smoke.   He and my mother would share a beer, now and then.  Or a glass of soju.     He never drank whiskey.

JANICE

(pause)  My mother said he came home from Korea… a different man.    Silent.
Angry.  Haunted, she said.    Haunted.    Didn’t talk much.    Didn’t laugh,  much.   Drank. A lot.  And he was a mean drunk. (pause)

KEUM

That does not sound like  him — at all.

JANICE

(pause)   I was very fat, as a kid.   Piggy, he called me.  A pig.   Piglet.   At a restaurant once,  I ordered a triple scoop of vanilla ice cream,  for dessert.  Just to see what he would do.   I sat there and ate it all,  in front of him.  Slowly.    He was livid.    Finished his drink, got up and left us at the table.    Left my Mom and me at the table,  and walked away.    Wouldn’t talk to me for days.

KEUM

That is not the father I remember.

JANICE

Lucky you.

KEUM

But.  (coldly )   He chose… you.

JANICE

(pause)  What—do you remember  — of him?

KEUM

Oh.  We lived near the beach,  we would go there every day.   He would carry me under his arm and run into the ocean and dunk me,  screaming,  into the waves,  then pick me up and put me on his big shoulders..   Tallest girl in Korea!  he would yell.  Tallest  girl in the  world!

JANICE

We went to the beach at Carmel!   On the weekends, sometimes.   He would do that very same thing.  Put me up on his shoulders?  Say that very same thing to me!  Tallest girl in the world!   I thought I was the  tallest  girl in the world.

KEUM

Did he ever … talk about … me?

JANICE

No.  I’m sorry.    He kept you – and your mother.   A secret.   Locked inside.   LIke every other human emotion he had.

KEUM

No.   He was very — loving.  To us.  Open.  Tender.   I scraped my knee on a rock, once?  At the beach?  It was a really bad cut.   I was crying,  when he put iodine on it,  and  he was crying  too,  because he had to hurt me —

JANICE

To us.  He was distant.  Cruel.  Sometimes.   (pause)    Now …I can see  why.  (pause)  He had a family he loved.  A daughter he loved.  (pause)  Why did you agree to meet me, Keum?

KEUM

I hoped… I would  find  my father.   Alive.

JANICE

(pause)   How old were you when … ?

KEUM

We went  to Seoul with him  the day after I turned five years old.  My mother bought me a new American dress.   I thought we were going to another birthday party.    We went to a big American restaurant.   Very fancy.  We had a nice dinner.   My mother and father held hands.   After dinner,  I had my first bowl of ice cream.   Vanilla ice cream in a small glass bowl.  I loved it.   And then, suddenly,   my mother was crying,   and my father was  crying, and we were saying goodbye.  And.  He was.  Walking across the street to the airport,  to go —

JANICE

(bitterly)  Home.

KEUM

Do you have — any— happy memories?     Of him?

JANICE

Well.   After he was diagnosed, after he stopped drinking?    In the hospital?   He knew he was  dying.  It was like he’d been released from prison.   He was.   Happy. Well.  At peace.  We watched old westerns, together.  Every afternoon.  Drank peppermint tea.   He loved Clint Eastwood.  The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly.  We must have watched that one ten times.   Sometimes he let me hold his hand.

KEUM

Do you have children?

JANICE

No.   I never married.

KEUM

I have a daughter.   Roberta.    (shows her a photo)

JANICE

My – niece.    I have a niece!

KEUM

Half.  Niece.

JANICE

She’s beautiful.    (pause)    He  so  wanted… a granddaughter.

KEUM

(coldly)  But.   He chose  you. (pause)   And he  left my mother and me.  To starve.

JANICE

(long pause )  Perhaps.   This was a bad idea, Keum.   I want to thank you so much for talking with me, sharing what you could, and the photo, really, I thank you …. but  — I see  —  I’ve already  taken too much of your  time —

KEUM

(long pause)  I have some photos.    Of him.    And you.   And your mother.

JANICE

Photos?   Of me?  And my mother?

KEUM

And –some letters.

JANICE

He wrote you letters?

KEUM

Well,  I wrote to him first.  I  found his address  through G.O.A.L.  I wrote to him every month.  Every month  or so  I’d get a letter back.   And then, about four years ago–

JANICE

He went into the  hospital.   And the letters  stopped.

KEUM

Would you like to see them?    And the photos?

JANICE

Yes.  Yes.

KEUM

Send me your address.     I’ll scan them and send them to you.

JANICE

Thank you.  Thank you so much.  That would be —

KEUM

And then maybe we can chat again?

JANICE

And meet in person someday, when this nightmare virus   is over—

KEUM

I’d like that.

JANICE

(pause)   We both loved him.

KEUM

Yes.

(KEUM raises her glass of wine to JANICE)

KEUM

Tallest girl in the world?

JANICE

(raises her glass of wine to KEUM)  Tallest girl in the world.

                                         They “touch” glasses on screen

KEUM

Stay well.

JANICE

You too.

BLACKOUT

 

 

Cast of Characters

KAY       Mattress Magic Empire receptionist, can be played by any actor

LEE       Mattress Magic Empire customer, can be played by any actor

 

Scene

LEE’s disheveled bedroom and KAY’s office.

 

Time

The present or close to it.

 

Notes

This play is written to be presentable on livestream or in person. In both cases the characters are connecting over the phone and not video call. They should not see each other.

 

Lights up on LEE and KAY. LEE sits at home in a disheveled
bedroom or studio apartment eating takeout. LEE looks
tired. KAY is dressed in a logo-less business polo and wears
a headset. KAY’s location is fully nondescript. LEE dials
numbers on their cell phone. One single ring. KAY answers.

 

KAY

Mattress Magic Empire, we’ve got the spell for a full night’s rest. This is Kay! How may I help you?

LEE

(dropping a bite of food) Oh. Shit. Hold on.

KAY

Hello? Can you hear me?

LEE

One second. Damnit.

KAY

I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. This is Mattress Magic Empire.

LEE

Yes, hi, sorry! I was eating some – normally places have a wait time and I – well, I dropped my food right in my lap and I –

KAY

Of course, happens all the time.

LEE

Really?

KAY

Yep, nearly every two, three calls. Especially once we get past 3pm. Early dinner, late lunch, afternoon snack – you name it.

LEE

Oh.

KAY

What can I do for you today?

LEE

I recently bought a mattress –

KAY

Congratulations!

LEE

Yes. Thank you. I recently bought a mattress because I wasn’t sleeping well.

KAY

That’s a great reason to buy a mattress.

LEE

It is, I imagine. But there’s a problem.

KAY

Oh no! That’s terrible!

LEE

Thank you for your sympathy, it’s just –

KAY

And what model of mattress did you buy?

LEE

Oh, um… the Penta-Tech Warlock Wonder Cushion?

KAY

Love that mattress. Sooooo soft! And with contact cooling technology that keeps your body comfy all night long.

LEE

I mean, yeah, on paper it looked great, but it seems once I got it home and I –

KAY

Oh! Shoot! Sorry, I forgot to ask. Can I get your name?

LEE

Oh, yeah. My name’s Lee.

KAY

No way! Like the jeans?

LEE

Um, yes. Like the jeans. My… my parents named me after the jeans.

KAY

Oh, well, I’m Kay, named after the jewelers!

LEE

Oh, that’s interesting. How do you… feel about that?

KAY

Well, now I tell people right away when I meet them. That way there’s no time for them to ask. So.

LEE

Maybe I should start doing the same.

KAY

Oh yes. I encourage it. Really helps in the long run for us brand name folks. Anything else I can help you with today?

LEE

Uhhhh, yes. The mattress, you see?

KAY

The mattress you recently bought because you weren’t sleeping well.

LEE

Yes, that mattress.

KAY

The Penta-Tech Warlock Wonder Cushion?

LEE

Right. That one.

KAY

Uh-huh!

LEE

It seems I’m still not sleep –

KAY

Hold on. You know what I just realized?

LEE

Um, what?

KAY

We both have one-syllable names!

LEE

So we do.

KAY

I just think that’s so interesting. It’s not often you meet people with one-syllable names. Can you think of a one-syllable name? I mean, other than ours?

LEE

Well sure, plenty.

KAY

Oh, come on! No way!

LEE

Yeah. Like my dad. His name’s John –

KAY

As in John Deere?

LEE

Yes… as in the tractor. How did you – ?

KAY

Just a hunch. But, okay, sure, John. But beyond Lee, Kay, and John I’m plumb out of more names!

LEE

Okay… Um, Anne? Sue. Tim, Jim, Kim, Prim, Paul, Mark, Luke… Look, I could keep going?

KAY

You’re brilliant! You must be trying to name a baby sometime soon.

LEE

No, I’m not –

KAY

Or a pet?

LEE

No, I don’t have any pets, I –

KAY

Well, for your baby then, might I suggest the name Sears. It’s supposed to be a really popular name in about three years. If you name your baby Sears now, everyone will think the babies three years from now were all named after your baby!

LEE

Sears. Like the company that went out of business?

KAY

Exactly. Brand name. One syllable. Carry on the family tradition.

LEE

I’ll take it into consideration

KAY

I’ve thought about this a lot. My family does that same thing. My mom’s name is See! (pause) As in the candy.

LEE

Huh.

KAY

Uh-huh! Welp, anything else I can help you with today?

LEE

What? Yes! My mattress –

KAY

Is it one you bought from Mattress Magic Empire?

LEE

Yes, it is one I bought from your store, after hearing your ad on the radio –

KAY

(singing the tune)

When your head’s all a mess

cuz you can’t get some rest

And you’re never your best

Cuz your mattress is a pest

Just pitch that mat in the fire

And head on down to the Mattress Magic Empire!

It’s a great ad. Just a great ad.

LEE

Yes, that one. I wasn’t sleeping well and –

KAY

You wanted our magic spell to get you to sleep.

LEE

Right! Well, yes. Or, I mean, I thought something more comfortable could help me-

KAY

Help you (sing-songy) get some rest!

LEE

Yeah, yes, okay. (sing songy) Cuz I was never my best…

KAY

Oh no! I got that little ditty stuck in your head, didn’t I? It’s always stuck in my head.

LEE

Yes. It’s kind of on repeat.

KAY

Oh, is it?

LEE

Yeah, like, nonstop.

KAY

You are so interesting!

LEE

Thank you?

KAY

You’re welcome. Here’s a trick to get that devilish song out of your head… are you ready?

LEE

Um, okay, sure.

KAY

(same tune, with Latin crudely translated by playwright)

Caput dolet multum (your head hurts a lot)

Daemonium habes (you are possessed)

Venit tempus tuam (your time has come)

Serve magni capra (serve the great goat)

Replace that song in your head

A service of the Mattress Magic Empire!

There! Now it’ll be out of both of our heads! Huzzah!

LEE

Interesting. That did seem to work… for now. Thanks.

KAY

You are so welcome. What a productive call. Is that everything for today then?

LEE

Um…

KAY

I’m glad I could help – call again anyti-

LEE

What?! No! Oh my god – the mattress. I’m still not sleeping. I can’t sleep. The mattress didn’t help!

KAY

Really? This almost never happens.

LEE

Well, it happened to me. It’s happening to me.

KAY

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

LEE

Well, I think I’d like to return it cuz, you know, it didn’t work.

KAY

This isn’t looking good for you, Lee.

LEE

Tell me about it. I’m practically having hallucination from how tired I am.

KAY

Lee, you signed an agreement. One that said you would start getting some rest.

LEE

That’s not my fault! Your mattress isn’t helping! I can’t sleep! No matter how I try. It’s like every time I lay down it –

KAY

– it feel a little bit like voices are climbing up your fingertips from the soft, velvety surface of your new mattress and into your bones?

LEE

Wait. Uh, yes. That… that is…

KAY

And no matter how you try to stop them at each joint of the body, which are softly cushioned by the mattress’s three-inch memory foam layer, they keep crawling slowly toward your spine? Relentlessly, one might say?

LEE

Relentless is a good word for it.

KAY

Have you felt them in your spine, which is now being well supported by the Mattress Magic Empire’s dynamic three angle spring design, like a worm chewing its way through your tendons?

LEE

Yes. It’s like they are tracking toward my brain

LEE/KAY

One vertebrae at a time.

KAY

Your lineage was chosen, Lee.

LEE

What?

KAY

The Mattress Magic Empire agreement clearly states that some customers will experience possession at the highest level from our infinite and ancient mattress making secrets.

LEE

It didn’t say that!

KAY

Did you read the fine print, Lee?

LEE

No. No one reads the fine print! It’s all lawyery mumbo jumbo.

KAY

It seems your ancestors were enemies of the ancient ones who helped write the incantation we use in our comforting technology. The curse has found you.

LEE

You mean my ancestor…

KAY

Probably stole a cow or something. It’s usually a cow. Or maybe a pair of shoes. The ancients were very protective of their footwear.

LEE

The voices keep getting more intense. They’re entering my neck as we speak! Make them stop!

KAY

I can’t Lee. It’s too late. You’re being inducted into the Order of the Box Spring Séance. Soon, you will not be yourself.

LEE

All I wanted to do was sleep.

KAY

That’s all any of us wished to do when we bought our first mattress.

LEE

It’s in there! I feel it! It’s like a hot iron on my temples!

KAY

I understand. They took me too.

LEE

And you sell this cursed garbage?!

KAY

What can I say? I’m not myself.

LEE

(shaking) What have you done?!

KAY

I know your instinct says to resist, but the less you fight the faster this will pass.

(LEE becomes fully possessed.
KAY is freed from the curse.)

KAY

(laughing hysterically) I’m free! I’m finally free! I’M FREEEEEEEE! Hahahahaha! (suddenly sober) I’m free. I’m finally free. I… I’m so tired…

(Light fade on KAY as LEE assumes the role of Mattress Magic Empire receptionist. A phone call. LEE answers.)

LEE

Mattress Magic Empire, we’ve got the spell for a full night’s rest. This is Lee! How may I help you?

(pause)

Oh, no, finish your bite of food and then we’ll talk. I’m in no rush.

THE END

CHARACTERS:

PATTY – Female, a faded beauty.
JOHN   – Male, her husband.
POSTMAN  – Male.  Early 20’s, careworn yet idealistic.

SETTING:
A Desert.  Nothing but sand.

 

 

JOHN and PATTY sit on lawn chairs, fanning themselves.

 

PATTY

It’s hot.

JOHN

Mm.

PATTY

Do you remember when we first came here?

JOHN

Mm.

PATTY

We used to dance and laugh and splash around in the …

(sees he is not listening)

… box of knives.

JOHN

Mm.

PATTY

You’re not listening.

JOHN

Mm.

PATTY

John!!

JOHN

Mm?

PATTY

It’s hot.

JOHN

Plenty of people would kill for heat.

PATTY

I know that – I know – it’s just –

JOHN

Blankets are expensive.

PATTY

Yes, John, but –

JOHN

Think of the money –

PATTY

Yes, John, I know, but –

JOHN

It doesn’t cost anything to remove your clothes.

PATTY

Your dignity, perhaps.

JOHN

Mm.

PATTY

John?

JOHN

Mm?

PATTY

Will you dance with me?

JOHN

It’s too hot.

 

The POSTMAN enters.

PATTY

Oh look, the postman has arrived!

JOHN

More bills.

PATTY

Hello Postman!

POSTMAN

Hello.

JOHN

We don’t want any bills.

PATTY

Any news?

POSTMAN

Nothing flashy.  You?

JOHN

She’s hot.

PATTY (to Postman)

No?

POSTMAN

(to Patty) No.
(to John)  I’m sorry to hear that.

JOHN

It’s nothing new.

PATTY

No news at all?

POSTMAN

(agreeing with John) No.

(to Patty) I have the latest weather if you’re interested.

PATTY

Yes, yes, anything – what is it?

POSTMAN

It’s hot.

PATTY

Ah.

POSTMAN

I’m sorry I was delayed.

PATTY

No worries, Postman.  We weren’t really waiting for you.

JOHN

Or your bills.

POSTMAN

I should have been here sooner but – the sun – the sun was so bright that I squinted.  I was blind for a moment and I – I dropped my bag – a postman never drops his bag – but I did, I dropped it down and took off my shirt because it seemed that I should – and just then in the squinted light – I saw her – Love. I cried suddenly; softly, suddenly.  Then the Postmaster yelled, “back to work!” And I begged Love not to leave my side – “Back to work!” he yelled once more – fiercer than thunder, “Back to work!”  Back.  Back.  Back–back-back and I knew I’d never see it again – something so perfect – “No!” I yelled – “Don’t leave me!” I wailed – “You have no idea what it is to always be giving.  Passing out, handing on, dropping off, turning over, sending out, giving – giving – giving and never once having something stay behind in my sack for me.  Never once a folded slip of paper bearing the shy sweet letters of my name.  And here you are – Those who have it, rarely see it and those who don’t are – “Back to work!”  And I knew then I’d lost her – “back to work!” – and somewhere the oceans dried up and somewhere the heat rose and somewhere I – “back to work!” – I – “Back to work!  Back to work!  Back to -” …  went back to work.

PATTY

Mm.  Any mail for us, Postman?

JOHN

We don’t want the bills.

POSTMAN

No bills, today, just a package.

 

The Postman hands a package to Patty.

PATTY

A package?

JOHN

What sort of a package?

PATTY

Who’s it from?

JOHN

What does the return address say?

PATTY

It says –

JOHN

Here, give it here –

PATTY

No, it’s a package for me – the postman gave it to me!  It’s says right here: to Patty –

JOHN

And John – aha! – see?  It says clearly “to Patty and John.”

PATTY

The return address – what’s it say?

JOHN

Antarctica.

PATTY

… Antarctica.

Pause.

Who do we know in Antarctica?

JOHN

Who cares, open the package.

POSTMAN

I’m leaving now.

JOHN

Open it!  Open it!

POSTMAN

Goodbye.

The postman leaves.

John and Patty comically wrestle open the package underneath the following dialogue.

JOHN

I once had an aunt with a fur coat, maybe it’s from her –

PATTY

Or the pen pal from beyond and we never found out where he came from –

JOHN

Those letters stopped coming years ago – careful, you’re ripping it –

PATTY

Yes but this – I am not! You’re the one who’s – this might be the start of a new correspondence – You’re about to –

JOHN

I’ve got it – !

PATTY

I’ve got it!

Rip!  A single ICE CUBE falls from the package and lands on the sand.  It catches

the light, dazzling like a cheap ring.

Pause.

PATTY

What is it?

JOHN

Some sort of light.

PATTY

It looks like a diamond.

JOHN

It’s not a diamond – diamonds don’t sweat.

PATTY

Look!  Look!  Yes, little beads of sweat are building up on its – do you think it’s alive?

JOHN

Nonsense, it couldn’t breathe in the package.

PATTY

Touch it.  See if it moves.

JOHN

No.  It won’t want to move, it’s too hot, look – it’s sweating.

PATTY

Who would send us something so lovely?

JOHN

Someone who loves us.

PATTY

Who loves us?

JOHN

We should – yes – we should put it somewhere.

PATTY

Where?

JOHN

I don’t know.  But we shouldn’t leave it here – someone will take it. Greedy, greedy – Put it in your pocket.

PATTY

No, I want to look at it.

JOHN

We need to hide it –

PATTY

I want to see it –

JOHN (reaching for the ice cube)

It can’t be seen, we’ve got to – ow!

PATTY

What?

JOHN

It burned me!

PATTY

It’s hot?

JOHN

It’s – no, it’s not hot, but . . . it burned my skin.

PATTY

Perhaps it’s magic.

JOHN

No, it’s angry – it’s sweating and it wants to be left alone –

PATTY

John –

JOHN

It doesn’t want to be touched or spoken to or dealt with, it’s hot, in this heat, it’s so hot – it wants to go back where it came from – it’s been tricked and it’s burning with an anger so hot –

PATTY

(overlapping slightly with John’s previous line)

John – John, no John, look.  It’s not sweat.

JOHN

What?

PATTY

It’s tears.  The rock is crying.  Look, it’s smaller somehow – it’s shrunk in sadness – so many tears – they’re – draining it.  Look how it’s shrinking.

JOHN

A flood of tears.

PATTY

It wants to go.  It wants to go back.

JOHN

It hates the heat.

PATTY

It hates us.

JOHN

How can it hate us?

PATTY

I hate us.

JOHN

. . . Patty?

A tear falls from Patty’s eye.

PATTY

Oh god, John . . . I’m shrinking.

JOHN

Patty?

PATTY

Look John – it’s almost gone now: it’s shrunk so much – and now me – I’m leaking, too.

JOHN

No, Patty.

PATTY

I’m vanishing.

Tears now dripping from Patty’s eyes.

JOHN

No, Patty, no –

PATTY

I want to go, I want to go back.

JOHN

Back to what?

PATTY

I must have come here in a package – I don’t belong here, John, some- one’s sent me here and I don’t belong and now I’m shrinking in sadness.

JOHN

No, Patty, no Patty, no Patty no –

PATTY

Who sent me here John – who sent me here to –

JOHN

Patty no, no Patty no –

PATTY

This heat.  This stifling, stifling heat.

JOHN

Patty.

PATTY

Look it’s gone!  The sand around it’s now muddy like a memory and … it’s gone.

JOHN

Don’t go, Patty.

A steady stream of tears now from Patty’s eyes.

PATTY

I can’t help it John – it’s from inside me.  My sadness.  I’m shrinking.

JOHN

Patty!  Patty, no!  Don’t Patty!  Don’t Patty!  No!

PATTY

John?

JOHN

I love you.

PATTY

… John?

(Patty touches her eyes.  No tears.)

It’s stopped.

Patty and John engage eyes perhaps for the first time.

The sun melts into the horizon.

CHARACTERS

Tiffany Yamón Upchurch                 23 Years Old. Black.

Joshua Aaron Rosenberg                 27 Years Old. White.

Time

December 2015, Around Midnight

Setting and Context

“The Rochester” is based on a real apartment complex in St. Louis, Missouri. Between late 2015 and early 2016, ownership of “The Rochester” changed hands. During the transition, many members of the primarily black staff were laid off, or had their pay reduced in an effort to convince them to leave voluntarily. Most of the newly created vacancies were filled by white men and women associated with the new corporate ownership.
The residents barely noticed.

Note on Text: A slash ( / ) employed in the midst of dialogue is meant to indicate an overlap in speech. The successive character’s line of dialogue begins at this moment.

 

“The bees had declared a war,

The sky wasn’t big enough for them all…”

– Of Monsters and Men, Dirty Paws

 

December 2015.  St. Louis, Missouri. Midnight. The front hall lobby of The Rochester, a large, upscale apartment complex. The lobby’s décor has a warm, mahogany feel.  Stage right is the front doors leading into the street. Stage left is an elevator which takes residents up to their units.  Center stage is the doorman’s desk, facing the audience. It supports a computer (which displays black and white security footage) and a sign-in registry. The lobby is decorated festively, in anticipation of the holidays. A large, vibrant Christmas tree sits near the front doors. A small menorah and Kinara sit on a side table. YAMÓN, 23, is behind the desk, quietly reading. A few moments pass before she notices something in the security footage, which causes her to jump a bit. She reaches into one of the desk’s drawers, pulls out a turquoise envelope, and places it on the center of the desk. JOSH enters, wearing a large winter jacket and carrying an overstuffed backpack. He immediately unzips his coat, revealing blue scrubs underneath. He’s also wearing a silver Star of David necklace around his neck, which is made noticeable when it frequently catches the light. YAMÓN beams at him. JOSH barely notices at first.

 

YAMÓN

(Laughing) You look cold!

JOSH

Jesus. It’s insane out there!

YAMÓN

Right?!?

(JOSH catches YAMÓN’s gaze)

JOSH

You staying warm, Yamón?

YAMÓN

Yeah, it’s alright…. It’s pretty quiet in here. Door doesn’t open and close as much this late.

JOSH

(Smiling) Sorry about that!

YAMÓN

About what? How else would you get in?

(JOSH crosses over to the desk to sign the registry.
YAMÓN stares expectedly at the card. JOSH doesn’t notice.)

JOSH

(Staring at the registry) Whatcha readin’ tonight?

YAMÓN

Oh, this? (She glances at her book’s cover) It’s “The Shame of the Nation”/ by Jonathan Kozol.

JOSH

Oh yeah! I know that one. That’s… right right! That’s Kozol’s book.

YAMÓN

Yeah. It’s really good.

JOSH

(Looking up, smiling) What happened to (flamboyant:) Living for Love and Dying for Loyalty?

YAMÓN

Hey now! Don’t make fun of/…

JOSH

(Smirking) The literary and rhetorical power of Mz. Lady P? I would never!

YAMÓN

I mean, I’m still reading that one, but one of the other residents has been on me… telling me to read this, and she sort of, well, thrust it at me the other day.

JOSH

Ha! Who was it?

YAMÓN

Marissa(?), I think.

JOSH

Oh yeah. She’s kinda pushy like that…

YAMÓN

But it’s mind blowing. Seriously!

JOSH

Yeah! It’s been a while since I read it, but I remember!

(The two smile at each other. Beat. JOSH glances over at the Christmas tree)

Oh hey! Look who’s back!

YAMÓN

Yeah, we set her up earlier tonight.

JOSH

That was so, like, asinine that they wouldn’t let you put the tree up last year.

YAMÓN

Yeah, I mean, it’s whatever, but I’m glad we got it back. Cheers everyone up.

JOSH

It must be the, uh, the new management, right? (Beat)

YAMÓN

(Uncomfortable) Yeah. I guess they don’t care as much…

JOSH

(Noticing the side table) And there’s a menorah over there too. And a—oh what’s it called—for Kwanza. So everybody’s happy, right?

YAMÓN

Yeah. I mean, I guess.

JOSH

I still don’t understand why we couldn’t have the tree last year. I love it and I/ don’t even celebrate…

YAMÓN

Yeah, I think it was that letter they got from that resident who was offended/…

JOSH

Oh right… No, I’m sorry. That’s just stupid. Like, the whole Starbucks red cup debacle that’s dominating the news? Like, it’s just a bunch of people getting all assholier-than-thou over a great big nothing and ruining it for everyone. (Beat)
Ah well. What can you do? Sorry for the rant. (Beat) Anyway, I should probably head up. I’m wiped out…

(JOSH walks over to the elevators. YAMÓN looks frantically at the card.
JOSH pushes a button. YAMÓN finally holds up the card.)

YAMÓN

Happy birthday!

(JOSH looks back. He possibly blushes)

JOSH

What? How did you…? I can’t believe you knew!

(He walks over and takes the card)

YAMÓN

Yeah, I mean. Facebook.

JOSH

(Begins opening the card) Oh yeah. But still. This is so nice of you! (Pause) Oh. Uh. Should I open it now or…?

YAMÓN

Yeah yeah! Open it.

(The elevator door dings and slides open. JOSH pulls that card out.
It visibly has Christian imagery on the front. The elevator door dings and slides closed.)

JOSH

(Reading aloud under his breath:) “Dear Josh, May your coming year be filled with endless happiness and the light of our Lord and Savior J—”
(Looking up at YAMÓN) Oh. Um.

(JOSH fiddles with his Star of David necklace. YAMÓN stares at him expectedly, unfazed.
JOSH almost says something, but decides against it.
He quickly reads the rest of the card to himself and looks up.)

This was so nice of you. Thank you!

YAMÓN

Yeah, it’s nothing.

(JOSH glances at the card’s signature)

JOSH

Wait. Your first name is “Tiffany?” I thought it was… yeah, o-on Facebook too it’s/ “Yamón.”

YAMÓN

Yeah, I don’t like “Tiffany” all that much. Yamón’s a family name so that’s just what I go by.

JOSH

No kidding! That’s really cool.

YAMÓN

Really? Thanks. I never thought of it as “cool”…

JOSH

Yeah. (Beat – Josh glances at his watch) Oh man, it. is. late. indeed. I really better get upstairs.

YAMÓN

Yeah. No worries. Goodnight!

(JOSH walks over and pushes the elevator button again.
YAMÓN fidgets a bit, uncomfortably.
JOSH, staring at the elevators, doesn’t notice.)

JOSH

Geez, you’d think since the elevator was, like, just here… it’d open back up super quickly or something.

(YAMÓN wrestles with wanting to say something. Finally:)

YAMÓN

Josh, I think I’m gonna get fired.

(Beat)

JOSH

What?

(The elevator door dings and slides open)

Why?

YAMÓN

New management is tossing everyone.

JOSH

Yeah, but you’re probably gonna be okay…

YAMÓN

They fired Tyrone this morning.

(The elevator door dings and slides closed)

JOSH

What?!? (YAMÓN doesn’t respond) No. Everybody loves Tyrone. He’s been the porter here for… for…

YAMÓN (Overlap)

Fifteen years.

JOSH (Overlap)

Everybody loves Tyrone. It isn’t The Rochester without him.

YAMÓN

Yeah, well. Now it is.

JOSH

Did they say why?

YAMÓN

His girlfriend showed up. Apparently they had an argument in the lobby…

JOSH

So?

YAMÓN

I think they were looking for a reason.

(Beat. JOSH takes this in.)

JOSH

That’s nuts.

YAMÓN

Yeah.

JOSH

But you’ll be fine. Everybody loves you.

YAMÓN

That’s what you said about Tyrone. Twice. (Beat) Stacy told me she wants to meet with me in the morning. They saw I was gone all last week.

JOSH

Wait… but wasn’t that because you were looking after your mom?

YAMÓN

Yeah. But I missed a whole week so…

JOSH

(Putting his hand on his forehead) No. There’s no way—. You’ll be fine. I gotta believe that…

YAMÓN

Yeah. Um. (Beat) I was kinda hoping you could do me a favor…?

JOSH

Of course! Anything!

YAMÓN

I was wondering if you could maybe talk to Stacy for me(?). Tomorrow. Maybe talk me up or something…?

(Beat)

JOSH

Oh. (Long pause)
Um.

YAMÓN

What?

JOSH

It’s just. I’m never here during the day.

YAMÓN

What?

JOSH

Yeah, I’m at the hospital… like, all the time. I’ll be gone way before the office opens and back, y’know, around midnight. Like usual.

YAMÓN

You can’t give the front office a call or something?

JOSH

I mean… we don’t usually have time to make personal calls. I’m like, running from patient to patient to… (He trails off)

YAMÓN

But, I mean… when do you drop off the rent?

JOSH

(Making a sliding motion with his hands) I usually just slide it under the front office door.

YAMÓN

(Mirroring motion) So maybe you could just slide a note or something in tomorrow morning…? (YAMÓN notices JOSH’s discomfort and stops speaking.)

JOSH

Listen. I mean. It’s new management and they barely know me. Like, what’s my word good for?

YAMÓN (overlap)

Probably a lot.

JOSH

And I don’t want to be “that guy,” y’know? The uppity resident causing trouble? Before they’ve even met me? Next thing you know, I’ll be sitting with a clogged toilet or something for weeks before somebody… um.

YAMÓN (Overlap)

I don’t understand.

JOSH

I just want to quietly go about my business, y’know? (Silence) I just make it a practice not to get involved…

(Beat)

I don’t know. What if there was like, this totally valid policy for taking time off and you just sort of…

(Beat)

…Didn’t follow it?

(YAMÓN is silent)

What I mean to say is, I’m probably not the right person/ to…

YAMÓN

(Quiet) I bring you a bagel every Sunday.

JOSH

What?

YAMÓN

(Quiet) Every Sunday when I go shopping before work? I bring you a free bagel. Haven’t you…noticed?

JOSH

Yeah, and I appreciated it…!

YAMÓN (Overlap)

(Quiet) And I told that girl once that you weren’t home, even though you were, like you asked me to.

JOSH (Overlap)

Yes. Yeah, I know…

YAMÓN

(Quiet) And I gave you my umbrella that one time when it was raining.

JOSH (Overlap)

And I gave it back.

YAMÓN

(Quiet) And I chased the mail guy a block up the street that time when you missed him for the day. And I made you soup that time you were sick. And I put in that emergency service request for you after hours even though not having hot water isn’t exactly an “emergency.”

JOSH (Overlap)

I didn’t ask you/ to do any of those…

YAMÓN

(Quiet) And I remembered your birthday.

JOSH

Yeah, well, you didn’t have to do those things…

(Silence. YAMÓN has a pained expression on her face.)

Look…

YAMÓN

And, well…you’ve made your fair share of promises. But I let them all go.

JOSH

What do you mean?

YAMÓN

Last week, when you brought that cake down for a friend(?). On the way back up, you told me you’d bake for me sometime. And before that you told you’d burn me a copy of that new Of Monsters and Men CD. And you told me that you’d grab me a cup of coffee from the lounge that one morning and, what a surprise, you never came back.

JOSH

I… I forgot.

YAMÓN

All three times?

(Long Silence)

(Realization) They’re gonna fire me.

JOSH

No, they’re not! I swear…

YAMÓN

(Growing fear) I don’t know what I’m gonna do…

JOSH

You’ll be fine.

YAMÓN

I’ve gotta help take care of my family. And I’ve gotta pay the rent… It took me six months to find this. I’ve-I’ve gotta have a place to go. I need a job.

JOSH

Slow down. Nothing’s happened yet.

YAMÓN

(Venomously to JOSH for the first time) I killed that bee for you.

JOSH

What?

YAMÓN

When you came down here, all in a panic? A few weeks ago? When that bee got into your apartment? (Beat) You were freaking out over this tiny little insect that probably wouldn’t’ve even hurt you if you didn’t notice it in the first place. I gave you some bug spray but you said you didn’t want to be near it so I asked if you were allergic and you said “no.” You said you were “just scared.” (YAMÓN scoffs) Ringing any bells?

JOSH

Yeah. You were great. Y-you came up to me to my/ apartment…

YAMÓN

I went into your apartment. You stayed in the hall. And you shut the door on me.

(Beat)

You shut me in with that bee.

JOSH

I was scared… i-it might get out. And then it would be in the hall…

YAMÓN

And I killed it for you. (Beat) It stung me, by the way. Did you know that?

(She reaches her palm out and points to the center)

 

Right here.

JOSH

No. You didn’t say anything.

YAMÓN

You’re right. I didn’t. And it hurt. But I didn’t say anything.

JOSH

I…

(YAMÓN puts her head down. She might cry lightly.)

Please. Please don’t… It’s going to work out. I… I… (Beat) I’m sorry.

(YAMÓN looks up.
The two look at each other for a moment, perhaps seeing each other for the first time.
YAMÓN begins to collect herself.)

YAMÓN

No. No, I shouldn’t be unloading on you. It’s not your/ responsibility.

JOSH

Maybe I could write something…

YAMÓN

(Sharply dismissing him) No, don’t worry about it.

JOSH

I mean, I…

YAMÓN

I said, “Don’t worry about it.”

JOSH

Are you gonna be…okay?

YAMÓN

Yeah. No, it’s fine, I’m fine. (Looking towards the elevator) Don’t you have to be…?

JOSH

Huh?

YAMÓN

Up early?

JOSH

Yeah, I mean, I guess.

(JOSH slowly walks over to the elevator and pushes the button again.
The two wait in silence for the elevator to arrive. Eventually, it dings and slides open.)

Everything will look better in the morning. It always does. I promise.

YAMÓN

Yeah.

JOSH

(Stepping into the elevator) They might not/ even…

YAMÓN

Night, Josh.

JOSH

Goodnight, Tiffany.

YAMÓN

(Looking up) Yamón!

JOSH

What?

YAMÓN

You called me “Tiffany.”

JOSH

No I didn’t. (Beat- shock/horror) Did I?

(The elevator dings and slides closed on JOSH)

 

END OF PLAY

 

 

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

EMPEROR: Male. Smug, crude, full of himself and not very bright.

PEYTON: Male or female, a TV reporter who knows how to be deferential and not ask too many uncomfortable questions.

DALE: Male or female, a smooth, forceful surrogate for the Emperor who knows how to keep reporters fearful and in their place.

LEE: Male or female, a reporter who is not inclined to play the game in the way that the Palace and the network would like.

 

TIME

The Present.

 

SETTING

The Situation Room for Emperor TV.

 

 

AT RISE: PEYTON is sitting with the EMPEROR. The EMPEROR wears only briefs or boxers, with a silly pattern on them. He seems pleased with himself. PEYTON is deferential, almost awed.

PEYTON

Folks, tonight we have an Emperor TV exclusive. It’s an interview the other networks have been after – but we landed it. The Emperor is a busy man, and he’s not exactly crazy for the news media. And yet – he’s taken the time to sit down to talk, one on one, with yours truly.

(to EMPEROR)

Sir, this is a great honor.

EMPEROR

You’re right, Peyton, it is. Access is key. And I am allowing you access to me. And that’s a pretty rare thing. You should feel lucky.

PEYTON

I do, I certainly do. You’ve – uh – you’ve certainly chosen a bold, new look for tonight, sir.

EMPEROR

That’s right, I have. And that’s one reason for this interview. I wanted to show off my new suit of clothes.

PEYTON

(confused)

Your . . . new . . .

EMPEROR

This is not just any suit of clothes, Peyton. This is a magical suit of clothes that separates the smart people from the stupid people.

PEYTON

Oh?

EMPEROR

Yeah, see, what happened was, these tailors came to see me. And they explained, they had magical bolts of cloth, okay? And only smart people can see the cloth. The dumb people can’t see it at all, it’s, like, invisible to them. So, I am very, very smart, and so of course, I could see the cloth. Like, right away. And my advisers, I told them about the situation and then I tested them. And all of them could see the cloth. Which just proves how smart I am – because every single one of them could see it. And I chose them to be my advisers.

PEYTON

Well – yes, sir, that does say a lot about your good sense of judgment.

EMPEROR

How about you, Peyton?

PEYTON

Me?

EMPEROR

Yeah, you. How do you like my suit of clothes?

PEYTON

It’s – lovely, sir. It’s dazzling. It’s dignified. I’ve never seen a finer suit.

EMPEROR

It’s a nice cut, isn’t it? I think it’s a pretty sharp-looking suit. You know? It makes a statement. It was expensive, but worth every penny. ‘Cause like I say, it’s magic.

(rises abruptly)

Okay, end of interview, that went on for long enough.

(The EMPEROR strides OFFSTAGE. PEYTON calls after him)

PEYTON

Well – but thank you so much, sir, for sitting down and talking with me!

(to imaginary camera – to audience)

How’s that for bringing news to you, up close and personal, huh? The Emperor himself! And now, we have even more of an honor. Dale, the Emperor’s surrogate, is stopping by to do a follow-up interview.

(DALE ENTERS, and has a seat.)

PEYTON (CONT’D)

Dale, it’s always good to see you. The Emperor seemed to be in a pretty good mood tonight.

DALE

Yes, Peyton, he is. He’s very excited about his new suit of clothes.

PEYTON

Understandably so.

DALE

But you seemed a little confused at the start of your interview with him. Are you sure you could see it?

PEYTON

(laughs)

Aw, now, Dale, you’re not implying anything about my intelligence, are you?

DALE

Well, it just seems like you in the media have to automatically doubt everything the Emperor says. Whether that’s a sign of a lack of intelligence, or not . . .

PEYTON

I don’t, uh – I don’t doubt everything the Emperor says, but of course, as a journalist I try to examine all sides of an issue –

DALE

And what about your report last week that the Emperor is running a “witch hunt”? When he’s the one that the witch hunt is going after! He’s the one that’s persecuted!

PEYTON

Well – I mean . . . the Palace has announced a formal investigation into whether there are witches who have cast an evil spell and are causing a pestilence throughout the land.

DALE

Sure, but isn’t that the job of the Emperor? Don’t you want the Palace to be concerned if people are dying of a plague?

PEYTON

Of course, we’re all very glad that the Emperor is concerned. It’s just that –

DALE

It’s just that what?

PEYTON

Well, there are doctors and scientists who say the plague may be caused by other factors. By – germs. By bad health and sanitation, due to budget cuts.

DALE

And you always have to take the side of the doctors and scientists, don’t you –

PEYTON

No, not always, but I try to give different viewpoints a hearing when –

DALE

Who knows more about this plague? The Emperor or the scientists?

PEYTON

That’s – that’s not really for me to –

DALE

And why do you call it a “witch hunt”? You really give away your bias against the Emperor when you use that kind of loaded, hyperbolic language. When you know that the real witch hunt is against our Emperor! It’s a total witch hunt, it’s a disgrace, the way he gets misrepresented, and vilified, and libeled by people like you. You’re the enemies of the Empire!

PEYTON

Well – but hold on, now, Dale, the Emperor himself, in his mini-proclamation, called it a witch hunt. He said, and I quote: “We’re going to end this plague very fast through my wonderful witch hunt.”

DALE

He was joking, Peyton. He was making fun of you vicious, terrible people in the media and the way you spin these things, and the way you use words and phrases with negative connotations to mess with people’s minds! This is an investigation into the evil witches who are probably causing the plague, an investigation, not a “hunt,” and if you in the press corps learned to mind your manners and refer to it properly, we could end these problems a lot faster. Or do you like to see our land ravaged by a pestilence?

PEYTON

No, I certainly don’t –

DALE

Okay, you know what?  I’m out of here also. End of interview.

(DALE gets up and leaves. PEYTON stares at the camera, a little shaken.)

PEYTON

Wow. Strong words there from Dale, the Emperor’s surrogate. This certainly has been an exciting night for us here on Emperor TV – lots of live, unscripted moments, and confrontational, in-your-face journalism. But hey, this is the kind of hard-hitting reporting that I love! We’ll be back in a moment.

(PEYTON’s facial expression and tone change as the station cuts to a commercial –

PEYTON’s manner becomes more natural. PEYTON is no longer looking into an imaginary camera.)

PEYTON (CONT’D)

Okay, so, am I doing the rest of this segment? Or is Lee? Is Lee around?

(LEE steps ONSTAGE)

LEE

Yeah, I’m around. But it looks like you’re doing the rest of the segment. I’m just here tonight to clean out my desk.

PEYTON

Well, that’s a real shame, Lee. That’s kind of a self-inflicted wound.

LEE

Naah, I don’t think so. It’s not my loss. I think it actually might be Emperor TV’s loss.

PEYTON

That’s silly. You know the station would keep you on if you just had a more professional attitude.

LEE

We have different ideas about that.

PEYTON

If you could just stay objective. If you could stop editorializing in the middle of a news broadcast!

LEE

Look, Peyton. When the Palace announces that the sky is green, and I look out my window and see the sky is blue – I’m going to say so on the air.

PEYTON

That’s completely unprofessional! That’s just your opinion.

LEE

It’s not my opinion. When the Palace says something that’s objectively wrong –

PEYTON

Look, Lee. You get high ratings but you’re too negative and you’re too controversial. The Palace is pissed off enough at us, as it is. Did you hear how Dale was going after me?

LEE

Yeah, they like to keep you terrified and servile and on the run.

PEYTON

No, they just want us to play ball with them, and that’s reasonable if we want to keep having access –

LEE

Access isn’t worth anything if you grovel and fawn –

PEYTON

(seeing a signal)

Okay, fine, shut up and get out of here then, that’s the signal, I’m almost on.

LEE

Great.

(LEE strides off to the side of the stage. PEYTON goes back to a smooth newscaster’s manner.)

PEYTON

And we’re back. I’ll be joined in a moment by a panel to consider whether I should apologize to the Palace for using the term “witch hunt” even though the Emperor himself has used that term. Palace surrogate Dale made a really strong argument before the break – the Emperor may have used the term ironically, to bait people like me. He may have been joking. It’s important to keep in mind –

(The EMPEROR strides back onto the stage.)

EMPEROR

Hey, Peyton, I’m back. I thought of some other stuff to say to you. That was a really great point that Dale made about me saying “witch hunt.” I can call it a “witch hunt” because I’m joking. Except maybe I’m not joking. Except maybe I am.

PEYTON

That’s – a really interesting point you’re making, sir.

(LEE is incredulous, and wanders back to CENTER STAGE, where they are, in front of the camera)

LEE

Hold on. Why is the Emperor wandering around like that?

PEYTON

Lee, get off the air! You don’t work here anymore.

EMPEROR

Wandering around like what? I’m showing off my new suit of clothes!

LEE

New suit, nothing. You’re almost butt-naked.

EMPEROR

Yeah, you know what? That just goes to show you’re really dumb. Smart people can see my new clothes. You just proved you’re a dummy, so ha ha ha!

LEE

Really. Who handed you that line?

EMPEROR

Tailors with bolts of magical cloth. Okay? So, you can suck it!

LEE

Sounds like you got scammed.

EMPEROR

Oh yeah, dummy? Then, how come everybody else can see my new clothes?

LEE

They’re lying. They’re cowards and they won’t stand up to the lie. But all you’ve got on right now are underpants, with a pattern of ________________.

(LEE describes the pattern that is, in fact, on the EMPEROR’s underpants. The EMPEROR appears suddenly self-conscious)

EMPEROR

Hey!

PEYTON

Okay, cut! Cut to commercial!

(Once off the air, PEYTON, furious, turns on LEE)

PEYTON

Okay, Lee, get off the set and out of the building before I have you thrown out! If you’re going to insult the Emperor and prevent actual journalism from happening –

LEE

I’m gone, I’m gone.

EMPEROR

How come Lee said that? How come Lee could see the pattern on my underpants?

PEYTON

I don’t know, sir. But Lee doesn’t work here anymore.

(LEE EXITS. DALE rushes in, soothing the EMPEROR)

DALE

Sir, it’s because Lee is dumb. And to dumb people, your suit seems invisible. So your underpants are visible. That’s what stupid people see.

PEYTON

Absolutely, sir. Dale must be right.

EMPEROR

So, all the stupid people can see my underpants?

DALE

That’s right.

PEYTON

But they’re very tasteful, elegant underpants, sir.

EMPEROR

Oh yeah? How would you know?

PEYTON

I – I can only imagine . . . a man like you . . . You would choose . . .

EMPEROR

Just watch yourself, Peyton. I’m onto you. I’m onto all of you “news” people. I might start an investigation of you. I might even start a witch hunt. Get it?

PEYTON

(laughs)

Yes, I get it. Good one, sir!

DALE

Do you think the Emperor is joking, Peyton?

PEYTON

Only if you and the Emperor say so. You just let me know the answer – and I’ll

report it.

LIGHTS DOWN

 

On the stage there is the suggestion of a car. ELLEN, 27,  appears. She is hungover. She throws a backpack into the trunk. She sits in the driver’s seat, checks her phone, throws it into the passenger seat, cries onto the steering wheel. She goes to the trunk and retrieves a bottle of whiskey from her backpack, takes a few large gulps, puts it back. She returns to the front, checks herself in the mirror, wipes her face with the side of her hand. Starts the car and “This Must Be the Place” plays on the radio. She turns the radio off, then the car, retrieves her whiskey again, searches for a closer place to stow it. She rifles through the front seat and finds an old coffee cup, which she fills. She replaces the bottle into the backpack and begins her drive. She spots WILLIAM and inhales sharply as he opens the door. He is overdressed and twice her age.

 

WILLIAM, indicating his bag 

In the trunk?

She doesn’t care. The drive begins, punctured by silence. Take what you think is a long silence and double it.

I’m sorry.

No indication that she has heard him.

It must have been a great show. I read that she played straight through the new album.

She slurps from the coffee cup.

 We should have… still gone. I’m sorry you missed it.

ELLEN

I went.

WILLIAM

You went? The tickets were expensive.

ELLEN

Bought a ticket.

WILLIAM

You should have used the ones I bought. Let me give you the money at least.

ELLEN

’Sfine.

WILLIAM

What did she close with?

ELLEN

I don’t want this to be some Thing, alright?

WILLIAM

Some Thing?

ELLEN

You don’t have to do this. I went to the show, and that’s why I came, and I would have done that either way. Whether you came or not.

WILLIAM

Okay.

Beat. He rubs her shoulder

 What is it?

ELLEN, moving away 

What are we gonna say?

WILLIAM

Say?

ELLEN

At work tomorrow. To Julia.  “Did you guys have fun at the concert?”

WILLIAM

She might not ask.

ELLEN

I can’t lie to her. She’ll know.

WILLIAM

We’ll say I got sick.

ELLEN

YOU’LL say you got sick. She’s YOUR–

WILLIAM

–I felt terrible. It’s not a lie.

Beat.

I’m glad you still had a good time. It was probably more fun without a sad old guy with you.

ELLEN

I didn’t have a good time.

WILLIAM

I didn’t either.

ELLEN

What did you do?

WILLIAM

Do?

ELLEN

Instead.

WILLIAM

Oh. Nothing.

ELLEN

Nothing.

WILLIAM

Really. Nothing. I didn’t feel like anything. When I realized you weren’t… that I was, alone… I just sat there.

ELLEN

Just sat there.

WILLIAM

I couldn’t do anything.

ELLEN

Right.

WILLIAM

I don’t know how you did.

ELLEN

My friends made me.

WILLIAM

Good friends. Did you tell them?

ELLEN

I shouldn’t have come.

WILLIAM

On the trip?

ELLEN

Up. I shouldn’t have come up. Either. Both.

WILLIAM

I never would have… I didn’t… plan… I need you to know that.

ELLEN

Plan.

WILLIAM

I never thought any of that would happen. I didn’t even know I was going to invite you up.

ELLEN

I never planned to go up.

WILLIAM

You said no at first.

ELLEN

I said no.

WILLIAM

But we were having a good time. Right?

ELLEN, nodding

We weren’t tired yet.

WILLIAM

It was pretty early when we got back from the, what was it, the jazz place–

ELLEN

Elephant Room.

WILLIAM

That drummer was

ELLEN

Incredible

WILLIAM

His solo

ELLEN

I hate drum solos, but

WILLIAM

I wanted to share that whiskey.

ELLEN

You’d been telling me about it.

WILLIAM

Japanese. Hibiki.

ELLEN

I wasn’t going to stay

WILLIAM

I wasn’t going to ask you

ELLEN

I had called an uber already

WILLIAM, touching her 

Let me pay you back.

ELLEN

No.

WILLIAM

I’m sorry.

ELLEN

Stop.

WILLIAM

I can’t.

ELLEN

It doesn’t have to change everything. It shouldn’t have happened. It doesn’t have to change everything.

WILLIAM

Do you think that’s possible?

ELLEN

This happens. I have friends who this has happened with

WILLIAM

That this has happened with?

ELLEN

Like friends who I got drunk with and things happened and

WILLIAM

Do you think this is like that?

ELLEN

And we were still friends.

WILLIAM

And you can get past that?

ELLEN

I think it’ll be like, a little weird or whatever, but

WILLIAM

But you didn’t come back.

ELLEN

What?

WILLIAM

You said you would come back. The next morning. Spend the day. But you didn’t.

ELLEN

I… no.

WILLIAM

Your eyes. They were closed.

ELLEN

I was asleep.

WILLIAM

You were awake.

ELLEN

I didn’t know where I was.

WILLIAM

You didn’t… react. Move. Anything. I should have stopped.

ELLEN

I said stop.

WILLIAM

Sooner. I should have noticed

ELLEN

I said “I don’t think I can do this”

WILLIAM

You didn’t even respond. For the longest time. You just lay there. Limp. You didn’t kiss back. Maybe at first.

ELLEN

I was on my normal side of the bed and everything. I thought I was–

WILLIAM

At home.

ELLEN

I have to tell him. You have to tell Julia.

WILLIAM

I shouldn’t have come. It was too

ELLEN

Too?

WILLIAM

Tempting

ELLEN

What are you saying

WILLIAM

There has always been sexual tension between us. Hasn’t there?

ELLEN

I’m not your

WILLIAM

You said you would

ELLEN

Little girlfriend, like

WILLIAM

Come back

ELLEN

What was gonna happen? I was gonna come to your hotel and eat fucking salads with you by the river and go to the show and stay over? It’s too

WILLIAM

Too?

ELLEN

When I was 15, maybe, I started crying during your class. You took me into the stairwell. Some fight with my mom. You closed the door and it was just us on the stairs and you listened to me. The automatic lights went out and we hugged in the dark.

WILLIAM

Please don’t make this harder than it has to be.

ELLEN

It would be easier for you if I had just come back, wouldn’t it? Just been your little date for the weekend and we could have made eyes across the office on Monday.

WILLIAM

That wasn’t the plan either.

ELLEN

I can’t be around Julia.

WILLIAM

I wanted to marry her.

ELLEN

And what about me? When did it start? When I was 12? 16?

WILLIAM

Recently. You began to have this glow. Started dressing nicer. Around Christmas.

ELLEN

So you assigned me to your classes, kept me closer, promoted me. Did I earn any of it? Or were you just trying to fuck me?

He can’t answer.

I’m not coming in tomorrow.

WILLIAM

That’s not pretending it never happened.

ELLEN

I’m not that good of a liar, turns out.

WILLIAM

This has never happened, will never happen with anyone else.

ELLEN

Lucky me, then.

His phone rings.

WILLIAM, his voice higher

Hello? Yes we are just getting into town now. Just another couple of minutes. Not far. Okay. Nothing. Just a little tired. Yeah, it’s a long drive. See you in a minute. You too.

ELLEN

You too.

MEL, 22, is alone a rehearsal space in NYC. She holds her phone in her hand. She is waiting for someone. After a few beats, STEVE, 40s, enters. Whenever possible, Steve should cut off the end of Mel’s sentences. Mel immediately stands to greet Steve.

 

MEL

Hey man, thanks for meeting me. I know you’re busy I really/

STEVE

/Its no problem.

MEL

/appreciate it.

STEVE

Did you want to run the scene before rehearsal?

MEL

No, um, I think the scene is fine. I just wanted to check in with you before everyone else gets here –

STEVE

If we’re not going to run the scene do you mind if I eat? I’m starved. I don’t want to work on an empty stomach.

MEL

Oh uh, no that’s fine. Go ahead.

 

Steve pulls a large container of noodle soup out of his bag. As Mel begins to speak, he eats, concentrating more on the food than on her.

STEVE

So what did you want to talk about

MEL

Um. I mean I guess this is a little awkward but – I think I just need to be up front and say it like, right away.

STEVE

Ok.

MEL

Ok so. Um. I just want to go over what happened last night.

STEVE

Go ahead.

MEL

Well – I thought that it got off to a good start – I mean I thought that it was helpful. To be working on our backstory and our given circumstances and stuff.

STEVE

Mmmhmm.

MEL

And like I said – I just was feeling like, I couldn’t quite get into the character’s skin, and I know I said that I wanted to work on discovering our shared history or whatever. So I know that its what I said I wanted to do and I was really grateful that you offered to help me. But I just – the reason that I stopped answering was that….It was just getting a little intense?

STEVE

Well, its an intense play, don’t you think?

MEL

Well yeah but….I think there might have been a miscommunication.

STEVE

What do you mean.

MEL

Well when you said you were going to be texting me in character, I guess….I guess I just got confused about what I was supposed to do.

STEVE

Confused how.

MEL

Well at first it was like – I know that our characters have this relationship thats uh….sexual? and I was happy to go there with you, but I was just a little surprised at how – I guess, I didn’t expect you to be so explicit?

STEVE

Explicit?

MEL

I guess, graphic? I –

STEVE

Mel you said you wanted to be up front, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

MEL

I just think it was, you know. Inappropriate. For you to ask me to do that with you. I understand that you’re like, Method or, whatever and I respect that. But I think at a certain point it – it crossed a line, and – I just wanted to say something.

STEVE

Well. I’m sorry that you feel that way. But I fail to see what line I crossed.

MEL

….You asked me to…. send you a…..

STEVE

….

MEL

You asked me to send you a nude.

STEVE

No I didn’t.

MEL

….I have the text right here

STEVE

Mel. I thought you understood the exercise.

MEL

…I did understand the exercise, and what I’m saying is the exercise crossed the line.

STEVE

I asked you if you were willing to try an exercise that would allow you to take a deep dive into your character’s psyche. You said yes.

MEL

Yeah, I wanted to go into MY character’s psyche. I don’t see why you needed to see me naked when its my character.

STEVE

I didn’t want to see you naked.

MEL

…do you want me to read you the text?

STEVE

Whatever I may have said in character has nothing to do with me.

MEL

….okay but can you see how it was a little confusing? Like how was I supposed to respond?

STEVE

How would your character have responded?

MEL

….see this is what I mean, because in character she probably would have… sent the nude but like….was I supposed to google search images of naked women? Because I’m never…I wasn’t gonna send you a –

STEVE

Ok Mel. You can stop.

MEL

Stop what?

STEVE

Mel, you’re clearly in over your head here. You’re young, you’re inexperienced.

MEL

Well I guess so but – I just don’t see how anyone could have responded to that –

STEVE

Mel. You asked me for help. You said you were having trouble connecting to the character and that you wanted help, actor to actor. Do you remember that?

MEL

I remember that, yeah

STEVE

So I told you I had an idea of how we could connect. To the characters. Together. And you said you were willing to trust me.

MEL

I did trust you, but I didn’t understand that you were suggesting that we sext in character.

STEVE

I think we’re done here, Mel.

MEL

Do you think I’m stupid? Do people really fall for this?

STEVE

Fall for what, Mel.

MEL

How many other girls have you offered to “help?”

STEVE

I have coached many young people who have crossed paths with me. Some of them are cut out for my coaching. Some are not. Perhaps you belong in the latter category.

MEL

Steve –

STEVE

I think you should consider very carefully whether or not you want to continue this conversation.

MEL

Excuse me?

STEVE

What do you hope to accomplish? What would you like me to admit?

MEL

That you fucking – propositioned me for nudes.

STEVE

Prove it.

 

Mel Stares at him. She opens her phone and begins to read the message she has cued up on the screen.

MEL

“I want you to show me. Show me that you’re wet for me. I want to see you. I want to see your body.”

STEVE

It was part of the exercise, Mel.

MEL

(continues reading) “I am hard for you. Do you want to see how hard I am?

STEVE

I don’t see the problem here. I was clearly in character.

MEL

Clearly in – What was I supposed to say to that? Were you going to send me a picture of your dick?? How was I supposed to answer –

STEVE

“I’m picturing you fucking me”

MEL

…what?

 

Steve pulls out his phone, opens their text conversation, and begins to read aloud

STEVE

Your message. 10:25 PM. “I’m picturing you fucking me, and I want you to fuck me”

MEL

….that’s different

STEVE

Oh, Mel

MEL

That is totally different. You asked me what my objective is at the top of the scene. That is literally my character’s objective.

STEVE

No, you chose that objective.

MEL

Yes – because thats what HAPPENS IN THE PLAY. Our characters have sex IN THE PLAY.

STEVE

Mel, you need to calm down. You’re confused. I did not touch you. I did not hurt you. All you have are some texts that are very clearly based in the given circumstances of the play. I’m sorry that you misunderstood them.

MEL

Are you kidding me? I only said that picturing you fucking me thing because YOU said to be as bold as possible, that my character would be BOLD with her SEXUALITY

STEVE

You’re not listening to your own argument. You just agreed that we were in character.

MEL

I never said we weren’t in character, I just said you crossed a LINE

STEVE

If I crossed a line you crossed it first by using explicitly sexual language

MEL

What???

STEVE

I take the craft very seriously, Mel. Its my job to take in what you’re saying and let it come out as truthful behavior.

MEL

Don’t fucking –  Stanislavsky me right now.

STEVE

If you have trouble differentiating between reality and the work than I suggest you reconsider your future in this business.

MEL

I can’t believe –

STEVE

I’m glad you brought this to my attention. I should have known better than to offer you my help. I knew it was a mistake for the production to bring you on. You’re too young, you don’t take the craft seriously

MEL

If taking acting seriously means being sexually harassed by gross dudes on power trips than yeah, I guess I DON’T.

STEVE

(very quietly) I think you should think long and hard about what you just said.

MEL

Steve.

STEVE

If you mean to cry sexual harassment I think you should be very careful about how you proceed.

MEL

I literally have the texts right here, Steve.

STEVE

Yes. You have texts. Instigated per your request.

MEL

I never asked for – you’re the one who wanted to be my fucking – mentor, to take me under your fucking WING because you SAW yourself in me

STEVE

I invited you into my process and it was clearly too much for you.

MEL

You’re a fucking pervert.

 

Steve grabs her arm. It is the first time they have made physical contact in the play.

STEVE

You will never. Ever. Be able to prove this. I am a well known actor. People in this town can’t get enough of me. Do you know how respected I am? You are a child who was invited into this production by the good grace of our director, with whom I will surely be speaking about your professionalism. That you are difficult to work with. That you aren’t taking the job seriously. Do you understand me? Is that what you want? Mel, is that what you want?

 

Mel is silent. She pulls her arm away. They stand there for a long moment.

MEL

I’m going to wait outside until everyone gets here.

STEVE

Good Girl.

 

Mel opens her mouth as if to say Fuck You. She thinks better of it. She pulls out her phone and looking directly into Steve’s eyes she takes a screenshot of the text message. The distinct noise that is made when an iPhone makes a screenshot is heard loudly in the room. Mel Exits.

 

END OF PLAY.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Production History:
Ryan and Alice? had its world premiere on June 2, 2016 at the Cincy Fringe Festival, Cincinnati, OH (Andrew Hungerford, Artistic Director). It was directed by Emma Miller; it was produced by Carly Mungovan. The cast was as follows:

ALICE…Julia Greer

RYAN…Aaron Lynn

 

Characters:

ALICE (19, female)

RYAN (22, male)

 

Setting: A bathroom during a shitty apartment party, some distance outside Louisville, KY.

A (/) in the dialogue indicates when the next character should begin their line.

—

A bathroom in an apartment just outside of Louisville. A toilet. A sink with drawers. A mirror covered in Post-It notes. A bathtub.

 

A house party winds down just outside the bathroom.

 

Ryan, 22, sits on the edge of the tub, loathing everything about his current situation except the beer in his hand. He sits for a while.

 

Eventually, Ryan starts snooping – more out of boredom than curiosity. He finds some lotion, puts it on, smells it, decides he hates it. He finds a pill bottle, shakes it, pockets it. He finds a curling iron. He snaps the curling iron a few times – clipping it to things, then starts playing with it as if it were a light saber. He makes the noises.

RYAN

Whomm! Whomm! “Attachment leads to fear, fear leads to hate, and hate leads to the DARK SIDE.” Whomm!

 

Alice, 19, enters and blankly watches. Ryan finally turns to see her.

RYAN

OCCUPIED!!

ALICE

What are you doing?

RYAN

Nothing. Just washing my hands.

ALICE

That’s my curling iron.

RYAN

Sorry. I’ll just uh–

I was– I washed my hands.

ALICE

Really?

RYAN

Yeah.

ALICE

Was it difficult?

RYAN

What? No.

ALICE

I just thought it would be difficult to wash your hands considering the sink’s water line broke yesterday.

RYAN

Oh.

ALICE

It’s why there’s a “Do Not Enter” sign on the door.

RYAN

I thought that was just, uh, decoration.

ALICE

Well it’s not. The bathroom is off-limits to the party, it’s not somewhere for you to like, LARP, or whatever.

RYAN

I wasn’t LARPING, I–

Sorry. Parties aren’t really my thing.

ALICE

But bathrooms are?

RYAN

Ha. Ha.

ALICE

Who do you even know here?

RYAN

Jeremy.

ALICE

…?

RYAN

My cousin. Tall guy, big arms?

Neck tattoo?

ALICE

That guy.

RYAN

We’re not that close. He brought me to be his wingman. His idea. I kinda owe him.

 

ALICE

You wingman by hiding in the bathroom? Effective.

RYAN

Thanks for the advice.

ALICE

Everyone’s basically left now, you can probably…

RYAN

Right. Well. Have a good… Night.

ALICE

And to you.

 

Ryan opens the door and abruptly comes back in.

ALICE

Um. Excuse me!

RYAN

Sex on the couch.

ALICE

Uh, no thanks!

RYAN

Ha. No. Sex on the couch.

 

Alice opens the door to check.

ALICE

Oh my God.

RYAN

Looks like my wingmanning worked after all!

ALICE

Gross.

RYAN

Victory is mine! Or, his. He’s the one actually getting laid.

ALICE

She must think I’m in my room. And obviously no one thought you were just creeping in the bathroom.

RYAN

Hey, I — parties aren’t really my thing.

ALICE

What is your thing?

RYAN

I don’t know. I guess I don’t have a thing.

 

Alice laughs.

RYAN

I have a thing, okay?!

Are we gonna…

ALICE

What?

RYAN

Shouldn’t you, like, go talk to your roommate?

ALICE

Kristina? No.

RYAN

Okay then…

ALICE

I’m just subletting for the summer – I don’t really know her.

RYAN

Ah.

ALICE

Not well enough to walk in on her, like, indisposed anyway.

RYAN

Great.

ALICE

Can’t you–? He’s your cousin.

RYAN

Oh no no. No. He’d kill me for interrupting. And what’s happening out there is basically mission accomplished for me as tonight’s designated wingman.

ALICE

Gross.

RYAN

So.

 

Ryan sits on the toilet.

ALICE

So??

RYAN

We wait it out? If you’re really not going to go talk to your roommate.

ALICE

No.

RYAN

Then…

ALICE

In the bathroom??

RYAN

I guess.

 

Alice starts breathing.

RYAN

You okay?

ALICE

Yes. I’m fine. I’ll be fine.

 

Alice gets a hold of her breathing.

Silence. Neither one knows what to do.

Ryan starts playing with the toilet paper roll. It unravels.

ALICE

Could you not?

RYAN

Sorry.

ALICE

I have to pay for that.

RYAN

Sorry.

ALICE

People don’t tell you you have to buy toilet paper in the real world. You just come home one day really needing to pee and you’re fucked. Though I guess you wouldn’t have that problem, being a guy.

RYAN

Yeah. Sorry.

ALICE

That’s the first roll of toilet paper I ever bought, and it’s like a symbol of me doing this all on my own and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t waste it.

RYAN

Your first ever?

ALICE

Yeah.

RYAN

How momentous.

You should, uh, you should frame a square like people do with the first dollar they earn.

ALICE

I get direct deposit.

RYAN

No, I know, it was a–. Whatever, it doesn’t–. Sorry.

 

Silence. More silence.

RYAN                                                 ALICE

(simultaneously)                                        (simultaneously)

Why can’t you–                                        Where are you–

ALICE

Ha, what / were you

 RYAN

Sorry, I–

ALICE

Go ahead.

RYAN

No, it’s–

 

Silence.

Alice starts breathing. Ryan notices, but doesn’t say anything.

The breathing dies down.

Finally:

RYAN

Really wish I had some weed.

ALICE

Um…?

RYAN

This is just a really weird and tense… I feel uncomfortable and I think weed would help.

ALICE

Oh.

RYAN

You know?

ALICE

Yeah.

Well no. I’ve never done it before.

 

Silence.

ALICE (CONT.)

Though this seems like an excellent time to start.

RYAN

You don’t ‘do drugs’?

ALICE

No.

RYAN

Oh.

ALICE

I’m not like against it, I just haven’t yet.

RYAN

Okay.

ALICE

Why, do I look like I do drugs?

RYAN

…

ALICE

Wow, you are such an asshole.

 

Alice puts her head between her knees.

Breathing.

Breathing.

Breathing.

RYAN

Shit, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to—

ALICE

I’M IN A FIELD!

RYAN

What?

ALICE

I’M IN A WIDE OPEN FIELD!

RYAN

You’re in a bathroom.

Breathing harder.

 

ALICE

Shut up! Idiot!

RYAN

What did I do?

ALICE

I need to be in a field. I need a minute. I need– I need–

 

She crawls over to the sink drawers, looking for something.

Breathing.

 RYAN

What’s happening?

ALICE

I have–. I just need to find–.

Where the fuck?

 

Breathing.

RYAN

What’s wrong?

ALICE

I need–. Medicine. My pills.

 

BREATHING.

RYAN

…

!!!

Shit! These?

 

Ryan produces the pills from his pocket.

ALICE

Yes!! WHY–???

 

Struggling to breathe.

RYAN

Fuck. Here. How many?

 

Alice holds up two fingers. Ryan gives her two of the pills. He goes to the sink to get her water, forgetting it’s broken.

 RYAN

Shit! Broken fucking sink.

 

He settles on his beer.

ALICE

???

RYAN

I know you’re not supposed to…pills with alcohol. But this seems like–. Like really fucking urgent!!

 

Alice downs the pills. Pause.

ALICE

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK??

 

Breathing.

RYAN

Do you feel– Is it better?

ALICE

WHY WOULD YOU TAKE / MY MEDICINE!

 

Coughing.

RYAN

Shh! Stop! Don’t yell.

 

He clasps his hand over her mouth. She squirms. He holds her down.

RYAN

Shhhhh. Breathe. Through your nose.

How’s your heart? Is it beating real fast?

Is your heart beating real fast??

 

Alice stops struggling and nods her head, yes.

RYAN

Do you feel nauseous? Dizzy?

 

Alice shakes her head, no.

RYAN

You’re going to be okay. Keep breathing.

We can just sit here.

 

He takes his hand off her mouth.

Silence. Some time passes.

ALICE

Thanks? But also, what the fuck??

RYAN

I know – I know –

ALICE

That’s really fucked up. To take someone / else’s meds.

RYAN

I know. Really fucked up.

ALICE

Is that something you like, do? Are you like, an addict?

RYAN

No! No. I just thought – this has been a really fucking weird time for me? Like in my life?

ALICE

I know what you mean – some psycho stranger just stole my anxiety medication.

RYAN

It was just…stupid!! Really stupid! I didn’t even look at what they were.

…

I was going to put them back.

ALICE

No you weren’t.

RYAN

Do you get panic attacks a lot?

ALICE

Do you help people through panic attacks a lot?

RYAN

I asked you first.

ALICE

Sorry, Stranger In My Bathroom. We’re not going down that road.

Pause.

RYAN

You know when you’re old enough to look at your parents and objectively know they’re crazy? And all of a sudden they’re the ones that need to be taken care of? Like, if you were them you’d be able to make much better decisions about their lives?

ALICE

No.

RYAN

What?

ALICE

I’ve never felt that way. My parents are amazing.

RYAN

Oh. Cool.

Pause.

RYAN

You sound better. You’ll probably be okay now.

ALICE

Not likely.

RYAN

Why?

ALICE

I’m stuck in a bathroom.

RYAN

Oh, is it like a claustrophic thing?

ALICE

No, literally just…bathrooms. They kinda freak me out like a lot. I know that sounds really weird but it’s very real and I don’t like the prospect of being trapped in one.

RYAN

Is that a common… fear?

ALICE

I don’t know. Probably not. Like you’re so perfect. Klepto.

RYAN

I didn’t mean common like normal…

ALICE

I don’t know why it’s bathrooms, okay? It’s not my fault.

RYAN

No of course.

ALICE

And it’s not like I was molested in a bathroom as a child or anything.

RYAN

Well that’s…good?

ALICE

I read online that trauma can be passed down through genes that are related to the regulation of stress hormones. So like, if my great-grandmother went through something really traumatic, the effects could show up in my genes.

RYAN

That’s kind of a mindfuck.

ALICE

I know!

Maybe I have Holocaust genes.

 

Baby pause.

RYAN

That would be so cool.

ALICE

What?

RYAN

I mean, the Holocaust was terrible and a tragedy and Hitler and like, stuff...!

ALICE

Uh, yeah. It was unconscionable.

RYAN

But it was Important. “Capitol I” Important. It would be so cool to know you were connected, like in blood or genes or whatever, to something “Capitol I” Important.

ALICE

But the Holocaust?

RYAN

The Holocaust. Or the Trail of Tears! Or the Plague?

 

Beat.

ALICE

So… She must think I’m in my room.

RYAN

Who?

ALICE

Kristina. My roommate. On the couch.

RYAN

Right.

ALICE

She wouldn’t just be having sex out there if she knew we were stuck in here. I think. I don’t actually know. She’s a little weird.

RYAN

Yeah, these motivational notes by the mirror are pretty pathetic.

 

Ryan pulls off a Post-It note and reads:

 RYAN (CONT.)

“Confidence is sexy, but a good hair day doesn’t hurt!”

ALICE

Those are mine.

RYAN

Shit.

 

Ryan carefully returns the Post-It to its place.

RYAN (CONT.)

So…how’s she weird?

ALICE

Um… well she wears a lot of body glitter because apparently the ‘90s are back, and when she washes it off it fucks up our sink.

RYAN

Body glitter? What is she, a stripper?

ALICE

No, she’s a waitress.

RYAN

Oh. Where?

ALICE

Some place by the freeway.

 

Ryan starts laughing.

Beat.

ALICE

Oh my GOD. Is she a stripper? Am I living with a stripper??

RYAN

Hahaha, shit. I think you might be.

ALICE

Oh my God. I have to figure this out.

RYAN

How?

ALICE

I don’t know. Clues. Context clues!

RYAN

Seen any tassels lying around?

ALICE

Gross.

RYAN

Does she pay the rent in vertically folded singles?

ALICE

I don’t know, maybe!

RYAN

Does she come home from work covered in a musk of sad, lonely men?

ALICE

Stop!

RYAN

I could go all day!

ALICE

I know, so stop.

RYAN

I thought you wanted to know.

ALICE

Sometimes you’re better off not knowing.

RYAN

Sometimes you are better off not knowing.

ALICE

What were we talking about before this?

RYAN

Your roommate being weird.

ALICE

My roommate being weird. And maybe a stripper. And I was just pissed that she alphabetizes the pantry!

RYAN

That doesn’t seem so weird.

ALICE

No, like the spices aren’t under “s” for spices, they’re categorized individually. Cumin is under “c” by the chocolate chips and paprika is under “p” by the potatoes. That’s not how I like things.

RYAN

Ok, but how often do you actually use paprika?

ALICE

All the time. I’m a chef.

RYAN

How old are you?

ALICE

RYAN

And you’re already a chef?

ALICE

Well, I’m not really a chef, I’m studying to be a chef. But my instructor says at some point you just gotta start taking yourself seriously and say you’re a chef. I’m working in a kitchen this summer – just chopping vegetables and shit but, still it’s a kitchen. So now, I’m a chef!

Kind of. Now that I say it out loud it sounds kind of stupid.

RYAN

Man, for you being a chef, the snacks here really sucked.

ALICE

???????

 

Ryan starts laughing – it was a joke.

ALICE

You’re pretty weird.

RYAN

Yeah.

 

Pause.

ALICE

I was doing really well. No attacks. Then I get sexiled in a bathroom.

RYAN

Maybe if we made a big noise they’d realize we were / here and

ALICE

We could leave! Yeah, okay let’s do it.

RYAN

Cool.

ALICE

O-kay!!

RYAN

Heh – when we come out together they’ll probably think we were doing it in here.

ALICE

In the bathroom?

RYAN

You’ve never had sex in a bathroom?

 

Beat.

ALICE

What kind of noise should we make?

RYAN

Uh… We could jump? On three?

ALICE

Sure.

RYAN

Okay.

One, two, three!

 

They jump. Thud.

Silence.

They wait.

RYAN

(whispering)

What now?

 

They go to the door to listen. They don’t really both fit, but they try.

ALICE

I can’t hear anything.

RYAN

Me neither.

ALICE

I suppose one of us should check to see if they stopped.

…

RYAN

…

ALICE

Could you?

RYAN

Oh. Right. Okay.

 

He cracks the door as little as possible.

RYAN

Question: Does your roommate keep her condoms in here or somewhere out there?

ALICE

I don’t know!

 

Baby pause.

Alice and Ryan search the bathroom drawers.

ALICE

Nothing.

 

Ryan unearths a pair of rhinestone pasties.

RYAN

Why do you keep fancy stickers in the bathroom?

ALICE

Oh my God.

RYAN

What?

ALICE

Oh my GOD. Those aren’t stickers!

RYAN

What then!

ALICE

They’re context clues.

RYAN

What? Oh!! Shit!

ALICE

They’re pasties.

RYAN

Oh.

What’s a pasty?

ALICE

Girls use them to cover their nipples when they’re naked.

RYAN

Aahh! Gross!

 

Ryan tries to throw them down, but they stick to his hands.

ALICE

Perfect. I officially live with a stripper.

RYAN

Bleh! I don’t wanna get some stripper nipple rash!

ALICE

You’ll be fine.

RYAN

Can herpes be transferred through nipples?

ALICE

No! Calm down.

RYAN

Fuck these things!

 

He finally gets them off his hands.

RYAN (CONT.)

Ha! Fuck you, pasties!

ALICE

Did you find her condoms or not?

RYAN

…

ALICE

Fuuuuck.

RYAN

You’ll be okay?

ALICE

Yeah. I’ll just…

I’m conquering my fears!

 

They settle in.

A long silence.

Alice starts breathing.

RYAN

Um…

ALICE

I think talking helped. Earlier.

RYAN

Okay. Uhh…

What…

How…

…

Ask me a question.

ALICE

Isn’t it weird how when two people – a guy and a girl – are in a room together alone there’s just the possibility of sex, like, inherently? Like, that’s all you need?

RYAN

Uhhh- I-

ALICE

Oh no no no this has nothing to do with you, it’s like a larger observation. So the topic, meaning sex, has to be breached in a way / of asserting–

RYAN

I think you mean broached.

ALICE

What?

RYAN

Topics aren’t breached, they’re broached. Contracts are breached. And trust. And premises.

ALICE

Okay. Whatever. So the topic has to be broached in a way of saying that sex is not going to happen? Like, until you say it’s not going to happen it’s silently out there as a possibility, which I think is really fucked up when you think about consent issues and gender issues and like, if another woman were trapped in here with me she would not have to bring up sex as a way of saying we’re not going to do it like you did earlier.

RYAN

Wait, when?

ALICE

Your joke about us coming out of the bathroom and them thinking we were in here having sex.

RYAN

That’s not why I said that. To reinforce or challenge gender stereotypes–. Wait what was the question?

ALICE

Nevermind.

 

Pause

ALICE (CONT.)

What are your hopes and dreams?!

RYAN

What?

ALICE

I’m changing my question: What are your hopes and dreams?

RYAN

That’s a “go big or go home” kind of question.

ALICE

I need the distraction.

RYAN

Can we start with something easier? Not hopes and dreams, or gender politics, or… world peace?

ALICE

Fine. We established I’m 19…

 RYAN

ALICE

Cool. Are you from here?

RYAN

No. I’m just visiting. I don’t live here.

ALICE

Me neither! Well, for the summer but…

RYAN

I live in San Francisco.

ALICE

Ugh, that’s so cool. I’m going to open a restaurant there one day!

RYAN

Really?

ALICE

Mhmm. My hopes and dreams.

RYAN

That’s pretty awesome.

ALICE

Thanks.

So if you live in San Francisco what are you doing here?

RYAN

Oh. Uh. Just hanging out.

ALICE

With your cousin?

RYAN

Right.

ALICE

How long are you staying?

RYAN

Oh. I don’t know. Until…

…

ALICE

Until…?

RYAN

Until I’m done…hanging.

ALICE

Cool.

RYAN

Yeah.

Until.

Yeah.

…

What kind of food do you cook?

ALICE

…?

French.

RYAN

Why French?

ALICE

It’s classic. Coq au vin, confit de canard…

 

RYAN

All those stinky cheeses?

ALICE

Mmm. Camembert!

RYAN

And frog legs?

ALICE

Oh yeah. Frog legs are the best.

RYAN

I think they’re pretty gross.

ALICE

Well you haven’t had them the way I prepare them.

RYAN

That’s true.

ALICE

Maybe they’d broaden your horizons.

RYAN

Maybe.

 

A long silence.

ALICE

Sorry our place is kind of a shit hole.

RYAN

Oh, no. It’s nice.

ALICE

No, it’s a shit hole.

RYAN

Hey, you’ve got…

 

Ryan looks around trying to find something to compliment. It’s hard.

RYAN (CONT.)

A toothbrush holder! People who live in shit holes are definitely edge-of-the-sink types when it comes to their toothbrushes.

ALICE

Thanks. I couldn’t afford a place actually in Louisville.

RYAN

Sure.

ALICE

Hence the shit hole. At least the commute’s not that bad.

 

RYAN

Yeah – you just have the crazy roommate who has sex on a couch you’ll spend the rest of the summer avoiding.

ALICE

I don’t know how long I can avoid someone I live with.

RYAN

I meant the couch.

 

Alice gets it.

ALICE

Oh, ha.

It’ll all be worth it though, for this restaurant. The executive chef is totally insane but he’s supposed to be this like, genius with Asian fusion.

RYAN

Cool. So. Gone out much yet?

ALICE

No. Not yet.

RYAN

You don’t know anyone here?

ALICE

No. Why? Are you gonna murder me in my own bathroom and flush the evidence down the toilet before my roommate comes up for air from your neck tattoo cousin?

RYAN

What?! No!

That’s really fucked up.

ALICE

No I don’t know anyone here. I mean, there’s the people at the restaurant but, I haven’t gotten like, in, with them yet.

 

RYAN

Oh, right.

ALICE

So when Kristina was like, “We’re having a party, buy chips,” I didn’t fight her on it. I bought the chips. Three kinds.

RYAN

But you didn’t meet anyone?

ALICE

No, it’s so awkward now, like, when you’re not seven, trying to make friends.

RYAN

Definitely.

ALICE

I miss when two kids could sit drinking juice boxes and as long as one didn’t pull the other’s hair that meant they were friends.

RYAN

Or Dunkaroos. Remember Dunkaroos?

ALICE

Uh, YES. Dunkaroos were THE SHIT. I had them in my lunch every day.

RYAN

Seven year old me would have been jealous.

ALICE

Seven year old me wouldn’t have cared. Dunkaroos are too good to share.

RYAN

Damn!

ALICE

I’m not sorry.

RYAN

Maybe if you guys had had juice boxes here.

ALICE

Ha, maybe.

I thought one guy was being really nice, but then I caught him checking out my boobs like four times!

RYAN

Yikes.

 

Ryan is reminded to check out her boobs.

ALICE

I know! It’s like, how am I just expected to carry on the conversation about your engineering internship while pretending you’re not currently picturing me naked!?

RYAN

Engineering internship? Shit that sounds boring.

ALICE

Yeah. He was probably too nice for me anyway. Or too like, like he’d celebrate the one month anniversary of us being friends by posting some inspirational quote about friendship to my Facebook wall.

RYAN

God that sounds terrible.

ALICE

Yeah.

RYAN

I bet you only date musicians.

ALICE

What?!

RYAN

I bet you do.

ALICE

You’re wrong!

RYAN

You seem the type.

ALICE

I’m not a type, I’m a person! Fuck you!

RYAN

You haven’t dated a slew of musicians?

ALICE

…

No.

RYAN

Mmmkay.

ALICE

I bet you only date beer commercial girls. You seem the type.

RYAN

I don’t even know what that means.

ALICE

You know, those girls that are like gorgeous and can rattle off stats about quarterbacks and linebacks and half…backs? Are they all backs? What are they in back of?

RYAN

You’re forgetting safeties, ends, receivers – and football positions actually come from rugby where players were either forwards or backs – in reference to their relation to the main line – and you’re wrong.

ALICE

Yeah, I get it.

RYAN

No. I don’t date beer commercial girls.

ALICE

Oh.

RYAN

I don’t date anybody.

ALICE

Oh. Why not?

RYAN

It’s hard.

ALICE

Dating is difficult for everyone.

RYAN

It feels more difficult for me.

ALICE

Well. I never would have guessed.

RYAN

Thanks.

ALICE

I mean. You’re a fairly attractive person and you just never guess that attractive people are virgins.

RYAN

Wait wait whoa I’m not a virgin!

ALICE

Oh.

RYAN

Not even close.

ALICE

“Not even close?”

RYAN

I’ve had sex with plenty of — with an appropriate number of women.

ALICE

Oh, well, good for you then?

RYAN

Like good sex. To completion.

ALICE

Stop! Gross!! I do not want to hear about your sex life.

RYAN

You brought it up!

ALICE

No I — I did, didn’t I?

RYAN

You called me a virgin.

ALICE

Right.

RYAN

Not that there’s anything wrong with being a virgin.

ALICE

Right!

RYAN

It’s just that I’m not one because I’ve had sex with women.

ALICE

Right.

RYAN

Are you…?

ALICE

No!

RYAN

Not that that would be–

ALICE

I’m not a virgin.

RYAN

Okay.

ALICE

I’m actually very good!

RYAN

I’m very good!

ALICE

Good!

…

RYAN

…?

 

Silence.

RYAN (CONT.)

I did date one girl, once.

ALICE

Yeah?

RYAN

Yeah. In middle school if that counts.

ALICE

It can count.

RYAN

Cool.

ALICE

What was her name?

RYAN

Jennifer Lawrence.

ALICE

Bahahahahaha!

RYAN

No really Jennifer Lawrence.

ALICE

She had the same name as Jennifer Lawrence?

RYAN

No, I dated Jennifer Lawrence. In middle school. At camp.

ALICE

Haha, no. Fuck that.

RYAN

Yeah. She’s from here. Louisville. For like three summers in a row my parents sent me to live here with my aunt and uncle, and one summer my aunt sent us to Camp Kentuckiana.

ALICE

You’re not kidding.

RYAN

When Jeremy gets out from under your roommate you can ask him. He was there!

ALICE

Oh my God. This is really weird.

RYAN

(bragging)

Not to brag but at the end of the week, we uh, we kissed.

ALICE

You kissed J-Law?!?!

RYAN

She wasn’t J-Law, she was Jenn my camp girlfriend. She was actually kind of mean.

ALICE

This is so weird. Like actually fucking insane.

RYAN

Yeah, I guess.

ALICE

She has an Oscar!

RYAN

Yeah.

ALICE

You’ve dated an Oscar winner!

RYAN

Yeah!

ALICE

Well, not really dated right? It was a week at camp in middle school.

RYAN

Hey! You said it could count! No take backs!

ALICE

Fine, fine, you’re right.

RYAN

Thank you.

ALICE

Do you still like, talk to her?

RYAN

No! It was one week when we were 14. I doubt she even remembers.

ALICE

What if she does? What if you’re like, meant to be and every year she’s hoping that fat kid from camp gets in contact with her?

RYAN

Fat kid?

ALICE

I always picture kids at camp being fat.

RYAN

That’s really fucking weird.

ALICE

Like, with their baby fat!

RYAN

Still really weird.

ALICE

Whatever! What if Jennifer Lawrence is hoping the average-sized kid from camp gets in contact with her!

RYAN

I highly doubt that’s the case.

ALICE

But what if it was?

RYAN

It’s not. Trust me.

ALICE

But you never know!

RYAN

I don’t think she’s pining over some chubby 14 year old she cheated on!!

Beat.

ALICE

Oh.

RYAN

Yeah.

ALICE

So you were fat.

RYAN

That’s not– that’s not the fucking point!!

ALICE

I know! Chill!

RYAN

No. I don’t want to “chill.” It was awful.

ALICE

Are you actually complaining about your middle school relationship with Jennifer Lawrence?

RYAN

Yes!

ALICE

That’s your dark relationship past?

RYAN

The whole camp knew. The whole camp knew and no one told me. They just laughed.

ALICE

They laughed at the fat kid?

RYAN

Whatever. Nevermind.

ALICE

No, hey, I’m sorry. This is all just a lot to take in. I won’t laugh. Go ahead.

RYAN

It was the final bonfire on the last night of camp. We said we’d meet there at 7. I put on my best bucket hat and got there just as they opened the marshmallows.

After being distracted by the prospect of smores, I saw her. Sitting on a log. With fucking TIMMY ANDREWS!

ALICE

No!

RYAN

And she just kissed him! In front of everyone! And I got so mad that I threw the squirrel in the bonfire!

ALICE

You threw a squirrel in the bonfire?!?!

RYAN

Not a squirrel.

I had made her a little squirrel figurine out of pine cones in Arts and Crafts.

ALICE

Oh. Sure.

RYAN

And I threw it in the bonfire and everyone laughed.

ALICE

That really does suck.

RYAN

I don’t get cheating. I mean, if you want to be with someone else, fine. Just tell the person first so you aren’t lying.

ALICE

Right.

RYAN

And fucking Timmy Andrews! He knew she was my camp girlfriend! And he just— betrayed me!

ALICE

Fucking Timmy Andrews.

RYAN

I mean, we were Kentuckiana Forest Buddies together!

ALICE

Oh no!

RYAN

I could never do that, you know? I could never betray a Forest Buddy.

ALICE

Yeah.

RYAN

But really, it was her. She’s responsible. You just gotta be up front about these things, you know?

ALICE

Yes.

 

Beat.

ALICE (CONT.)

Yeah. Like. Just be up front. Like, maybe to avoid cheating and awkwardness and stuff people should have to go around with signs on them that say their relationship status like, “I have a boyfriend!”

RYAN

Exactly!!

 

Alice mimes the sign for herself.

ALICE (CONT.)

I have a boyfriend.

 

Beat.

RYAN

Cool. Didn’t ask. But cool.

 

Alice is temporarily mortified. Ryan gets antsy.

RYAN

Are they still going at it out there?

ALICE

I don’t know. Probably.

RYAN

I guess she’s giving him the full package.

ALICE

Hey, she’s a stripper, not a hooker.

RYAN

Better not be, Jeremy doesn’t have any money.

ALICE

Still. There’s a difference.

RYAN

Yeah, but they’re both people. Hookers are people too.

ALICE

Well yeah, all people are people.

RYAN

Right.

ALICE

Exactly.

RYAN

No, I don’t think you get what I mean.

ALICE

No, I do.

RYAN

I don’t think so.

 

Ryan might head for the door.

ALICE

“I really wish I had some weed.”

RYAN

…

ALICE (CONT.)

Or a juice box?

RYAN

…

I think your Post It notes on the mirror are stupid.

ALICE

Okay.

RYAN

And your party was kind of lame.

ALICE

I know.

RYAN

There were maybe 8 people here.

ALICE

I know.

RYAN

Was your boyfriend here?

ALICE

No.

RYAN

Why not?

ALICE

He’s a boyfriend from school.

RYAN

Oh.

ALICE

He was supposed to come with me this summer but his plans changed. To Maine.

RYAN

He left you?

ALICE

He didn’t like leave me. He went to Maine.

RYAN

And you were okay with that?

ALICE

No, actually.

RYAN

But you’re doing long distance? That sucks.

ALICE

We’re not doing long distance.

RYAN

So, he’s your ex-boyfriend?

ALICE

No. But it’s not long distance. Not really, when you think about it.

He thinks about it.

RYAN

Oh yeah. Now that I’ve thought about it it’s still long distance because words still mean what words mean.

ALICE

You are so simple minded.

RYAN

Oh, are you…is your arrangement open, or…?

ALICE

No.

RYAN

Then it’s closed.

ALICE

Yeah, I suppose. Yeah.

RYAN

And you’re in different places?

ALICE

Yeah.

RYAN

That’s a long distance relationship.

ALICE

No you don’t get it. We’re not long distance, we’re pre-local.

RYAN

Pre-local?

ALICE

Yeah, pre-local.

RYAN

That is the stupidest piece of shit I’ve ever heard.

ALICE

Oookay.

RYAN

No really. Of all the shit I’ve heard that one is just tops.

ALICE

You’re making it sound—

RYAN

Juvenile?

ALICE

Exactly.

RYAN

You are a teenager.

ALICE

Ugh, don’t say teenager like that.

RYAN

Like what?

ALICE

Like I own a One Direction poster.

RYAN

But it’s what you are.

ALICE

Only technically. And not for long.

RYAN

Okay?

ALICE

I mean, I’ve been in bars before.

RYAN

Oh, you’ve been in bars before!

 

Beat.

RYAN

So what is the very mature reason why your relationship isn’t long distance?

ALICE

We talked about it and we plan to be together for a while, so really this is just a tiny bit of time that we’re not in the same place before we are in the same place for an extended period of time. Pre-local.

RYAN

Uh-huh…

ALICE

Whatever, it’s long distance.

RYAN

Ah – ha!

ALICE

Technically. Technically it’s long distance.

RYAN

Technically. Like your teenagerism. Teenagerdom? Teenagerism?

ALICE

Yeah, I guess. Technical, but temporary.

RYAN

I was still right!

ALICE

Things change.

RYAN

They certainly do.

ALICE

All the time.

RYAN

They change to Maine, apparently!

ALICE

Yeah.

RYAN

Why?

ALICE

Oh. He decided to Bon Iver himself.

RYAN

Bon Iver?

ALICE

The singer? With the beard and the soft hipster songs?

RYAN

No, I know who Bon Iver is, but, as a verb? To Bon Iver?

ALICE

He shut himself in a cabin in the woods cut off from all civilization.

RYAN

I think that’s Henry David Thoreau-ing.

ALICE

That’s what I told him!!

RYAN

Gotta pay respect to the original!

ALICE

Exactly! But he said, no – when Bon Iver is lacking inspiration he shuts himself in a cabin in the woods and comes out with these amazing songs and that’s what he needed to do now for his music.

Beat.

RYAN

Ha!! – I fucking called it!! He’s a fucking musician!!

ALICE

Shit.

RYAN

He had to do it for his music. Ugh, he sounds like the worst!

ALICE

He’s not the worst.

RYAN

He’s probably one of those guys who when he gets to a party he stages a violent coup of the stereo thinking his musical taste is far superior and he’s like, God’s gift to the party.

ALICE

Please don’t mock him.

RYAN

And he chose Maine.

ALICE

He’s dedicated. So am I. That’s why I chose Louisville and the restaurant.

RYAN

How’s he like Maine?

ALICE

I don’t know.

RYAN

What does he say about it?

ALICE

Nothing.

RYAN

So when he calls you he just says nothing about being in Maine?

ALICE

He doesn’t call – he has to be cut off from all civilization, remember?

RYAN

You guys don’t talk?

ALICE

We’ll talk when he gets back.

RYAN

How can you be in a relationship without talking to the other person?

ALICE

We know what we mean to each other.

RYAN

You’re not in a relationship with him, you’re in a relationship with the memory of him.

ALICE

That’s a terrible thing to say.

RYAN

Not as terrible as up and leaving you.

ALICE

He didn’t like, leave me.

RYAN

He left you. He’s in Maine!

ALICE

Just for the summer!

RYAN

He’s such an asshole. You know, when they leave you – assholes – for any amount of time – they don’t really love you.

ALICE

Whoa. Where the fuck do you get off telling me who does and does not love me?

RYAN

I’m trying to help.

ALICE

Um, HOW? You’ve never been in a relationship, except for with Jennifer Fucking Lawrence when you were fourteen and fat!

 

Alice climbs in the bathtub and aggressively slides the shower curtain closed.

Silence.

RYAN

Boyfriends aren’t the only ones who can leave.

 

Beat.

ALICE

What does that mean?

RYAN

Forget it.

ALICE

If this ends with you telling me some childhood tale about your puppy running away I’m going to be so fucking pissed.

RYAN

My mom.

ALICE

So…not a puppy?

RYAN

We thought she’d show up at her sister’s. My aunt’s.

ALICE

…

Oh! Like, here?

RYAN

Yeah I’m just, I don’t know, waiting? To see if she does? It’s not a big deal. Gives me time to buy beer for my cousin with a fucking neck tattoo.

ALICE

Why’d she leave?

RYAN

I don’t know.

ALICE

Okay.

RYAN

My dad doesn’t like, hit her if that’s what / you’re thinking. He’d never.

ALICE

No, no, no I wasn’t thinking anything.

RYAN

Good.

ALICE

Maybe she has Holocaust genes too. Not that I definitely have them, but.

RYAN

No. She makes her choices. She’s responsible.

ALICE

It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love / you

RYAN

You don’t have to say that. My mom’s just an asshole.

My mom’s an asshole, and your boyfriend’s an asshole. I just wanted you to know that I get what it’s like to have to deal with…assholes.

ALICE

He’s not an asshole.

RYAN

You can do better than an asshole.

 

Pause.

Alice opens the shower curtain.

ALICE

You know what I think it’s time for?

RYAN

What?

ALICE

A  “go big or go home” question.

RYAN

Ha, okay!

ALICE

I don’t want to talk about assholes anymore.

RYAN

Fine by me!

ALICE

So. What’s your number?

RYAN

My phone number?

ALICE

No! Your number. The number of people you’ve had sex with!

RYAN

Do you ever ask people what there favorite color is?

ALICE

Tell me about your conquests!!

RYAN

Mine is blue.

ALICE

Just how appropriate is your number?

RYAN

I don’t want to talk about other girls right now.

ALICE

Too bad. It’s your turn. I wanna hear about you gettin’ that D!

RYAN

What?

ALICE

Or, I guess in your case it would be gettin’ that V? Or P? Or C? Depending on your preferred word for lady bits.

RYAN

Now that I’ve heard you say ‘lady bits’ there’s no way I’m saying anything.

ALICE

Come on!!! How many have there been? Unless you really are a virgin…

RYAN

Eight and a half.

ALICE

Um…?

RYAN

You asked.

ALICE

So like, eight normal women and a midget?

RYAN

No!

ALICE

Eight normal women and a kid??

RYAN

No! No! You’re sick, you know that?

ALICE

Whatever. Explain.

RYAN

Fuck. I only count it as a whole if the woman also… you know?

ALICE

So you’ve had sex with nine women – presumably one night stands as the only girl you’ve dated was a fourteen year old Jennifer Lawrence…

RYAN

Correct.

ALICE

So you’ve had nine one night stands and you think eight of the nine came on the first try?

RYAN

Hey, no one bats a thousand.

ALICE

Statistically your number is about one and a half.

RYAN

I’m not a statistic.

ALICE

That’s what everyone says, but if everyone’s not a statistic then no one’s left to have taken the polls! Science!

RYAN

Well you don’t know.

ALICE

I do know – that’s how statistics work.

RYAN

No – you don’t know that I can only make one and a half girls out of nine come on the first try because you’re not one of the nine girls and you, therefore, are not eligible to partake in the poll. Science!

ALICE

I am at least a girl and I can tell you that there is no way you made eight out of nine girls come on the first try. This shit down here is complicated.

RYAN

It’s not that complicated.

ALICE

Don’t feel bad! It took me all of sophomore year to figure out myself!

RYAN

Tell me more about that.

ALICE

Gross.

RYAN

You can’t definitively say I haven’t figured it out! Because we haven’t had sex. And you’ll probably never know because it’s not like we’re about to have sex in a bathroom.

ALICE

Right. Because…gross.

RYAN

Does your boyfriend who abandoned you think bathroom sex is as gross as you do?

ALICE

Just because your mom legitimately abandoned you / doesn’t give you the right–

RYAN

Wow.

ALICE

–to project your shit on me.

RYAN

You’re right my mom’s an asshole!

ALICE

I would never call your mother an asshole.

RYAN

Why not? I do.

ALICE

What’s wrong with her?

RYAN

It’s fine. Forget about it.

ALICE

You keep bringing it up.

RYAN

You keep bringing up your boyfriend – what’s wrong with him?

ALICE

I only brought him up because you made me!

RYAN

I haven’t made you do anything.

ALICE

No that’s not what I meant.

RYAN

I haven’t made you do anything.

 

Silence.

ALICE

This place is a shit hole.

RYAN

It has its advantages.

ALICE

This tub is so small.

How am I supposed to shave my legs in here?

RYAN

I don’t know. I’ve never shaved my legs, obviously.

ALICE

Lucky. It’s the worst.

RYAN

Um, no. Shaving your chin is so much worse.

ALICE

Do you see the sheer area involved here?

 

Alice holds up a leg.

RYAN

I’m sorry, I have to take a stand. Girls always list how they have it shittier than guys and most of the time that’s true but this, this one’s ours.

ALICE

It’s yours?

RYAN

Try shaving a chin and not nicking yourself.

ALICE

Okay.

RYAN

What?

ALICE

Challenge accepted.

RYAN

You don’t want to shave your face.

ALICE

No, I’ll shave yours.

RYAN

Whoa, that is NOT what I meant.

ALICE

It’s gonna be so easy, you’ll be fine.

RYAN

No we have a lot of like, edges on our faces.

ALICE

I’ve been shaving my knees since I was thirteen and chins are basically the same. Stand up.

RYAN

This is really weird.

ALICE

Well I’m bored and this seems entertaining. Come on.

RYAN

If you cut me I’m gonna / be pissed.

ALICE

Look in my eyes.

 

He does.

ALICE (CONT.)

I’m not going to cut you.

RYAN

Fine.

 

Alice gets the shaving cream and a razor.

RYAN

But be really careful. I’ve found that if you move with the rocking motion of the razor–

 

Alice smears his face and mouth with shaving cream.

ALICE

Shh.

 

She starts shaving his face.

RYAN

Mmm Mmm-MMmmm!!

ALICE

Stop moving your mouth! If you move and I cut you it’s your own damn fault.

 

She shaves his face, gaining confidence until almost all of the shaving cream is gone.

ALICE

Oookay…

Alice grabs a hand towel and wipes off his face.

ALICE (CONT.)

Ta-da! Kind of…

RYAN

What? Is it fucked?

 

Ryan looks in the mirror.

ALICE

No, I think I just missed this neck-beardy part down here. Do you want me to get it?

RYAN

No. Now it’s my turn. To do your legs.

ALICE

What? That’s gross. It’s like, my leg hair.

RYAN

I don’t think it’s gross. You shaved my face, now I get to shave your legs.

ALICE

Legs are different.

RYAN

Yeah, they’re easier.

ALICE

This is weird.

RYAN

I’m bored and this seems entertaining.

 

Beat.

ALICE

Fine. I guess that’s… fair.

RYAN

Take off your shoe.

 

She obeys.

Alice grabs the shaving cream to put on her leg.

RYAN

I’ll do it.

 

Ryan lathers the shaving cream on her leg. He starts to shave really slowly.

ALICE

You’re not–. That’s not shaving anything. You need to do it a little harder.

RYAN

Like this?

ALICE

Yeah.

 

He shaves her leg, pausing to wipe the razor on the hand towel.

No one says anything. Ryan just shaves. He gets more confident.

ALICE

That’s a little too hard.

RYAN

Sorry.

 

It gets really quiet. The razor moves up Alice’s thigh. Ryan hesitates.

He continues.

ALICE

Ow!

RYAN

Shit.

 

Ryan stops shaving.

ALICE

You nicked me.

RYAN

Where? I don’t see it.

ALICE

I felt it.

RYAN

Shit, I’m really sorry.

 

Ryan goes to the toilet paper, the roll unravels.

RYAN

Fuck! You pay for this, I know. Sorry.

ALICE

It’s fine, it’s fine.

RYAN

No, it’s your first, momentous roll and I’ve fucked it up again.

ALICE

I don’t care about the stupid toilet paper.

RYAN

Really?

ALICE

Really.

RYAN

Cause before it was like a thing.

ALICE

Do whatever you want with the toilet paper.

RYAN

Oh yeah?

 

Ryan wraps himself up like a mummy. He acts like a mummy, making scary noises.

RYAN (CONT.)

OooOooOoooo.

ALICE

…

Pause.

RYAN

Okay. I thought it would make you laugh. But you’re not laughing.

And now I feel like an idiot!

ALICE

You kind of look like a piece of shit. I mean, wrapped in toilet paper and all.

RYAN

Cool. I was going for mummy, but.

ALICE

Are you a piece of shit?

RYAN

I don’t think so.

I try not to be.

ALICE

Good.

 

Alice wipes off her leg. Ryan takes off the toilet paper.

Silence.

RYAN

Another question?

ALICE

Okay. Go big or go home?

RYAN

Go big or go home.

ALICE

Where do…

…

Why did your mom leave?

RYAN

Pass.

ALICE

Do you think she’ll show up?

RYAN

Pass.

ALICE

Has she left before?

RYAN

Why are you still with a guy who chose the woods over you?

 

Beat.

ALICE

Where do you see yourself in ten years?

RYAN

Uh…

I don’t know. You go first, you probably have a whole thing prepared.

ALICE

Oh I have absolutely no idea. It’s a dumb question.

RYAN

You asked it!

ALICE

Doesn’t make it less dumb!

RYAN

You’re the strangest person.

ALICE

I’ve trained myself to take comments like that as compliments.

RYAN

You’re not wrong to.

ALICE

Truth is I have no idea where I’ll be in ten years. The plan was always get to college, and then when I got there I realized I had no idea what I was doing anything for anymore. Like, in pursuit of.

RYAN

Oh. Shit.

ALICE

Yeah…

RYAN

Ok – uh – well you’ll be a college graduate.

ALICE

Yes. God willing.

RYAN

So you’ll probably have a steady job and a 401K and a mortgage.

ALICE

Ha – I’ll be lucky to have paid off my student loans.

RYAN

Oh, right. Yikes.

…

I know mine!

ALICE

What?

RYAN

I know mine now! What I’ll be doing in ten years.

ALICE

Great! What is it?

RYAN

Eating at your restaurant! In San Francisco!

ALICE

Whaaat?

RYAN

Yeah, I mean. I literally have no idea what I’m doing next week let alone in 10 years so. Yeah. Eating at your restaurant sounds pretty good to me.

ALICE

You don’t have to say—

RYAN

Hey, man! This is my ten year plan and I can do whatever I want. I want to be eating at your restaurant. There – I’m your first reservation.

ALICE

Okay then!

RYAN

I guess you’ll really have to do it now!

ALICE

Yeah. I guess I will!

RYAN

What would you make me? To eat?

ALICE

I don’t know.

RYAN

Yes you do, it’s your dream.

ALICE

Um… To start, I could make a provençal tarte with tomato and zucchini and aubergine. Kind of like a mini ratatouille.

RYAN

Like the Pixar movie?

ALICE

Yes. Like the Pixar movie. Except like, way better.

RYAN

Hey, I think Ratatouille is one of the more underrated Pixar movies! That ratatouille at the end made the evil critic guy feel something!

ALICE

Whatever, it’s not as good as the real thing sitting in front of you!

RYAN

I agree. What would you make for me next?

ALICE

Um… Oh! It has to be cuisses de grenouille.

RYAN

Cool! What is it?

ALICE

Sautéed frog legs!

RYAN

Ha! Right. To broaden my horizons.

ALICE

I promise they’ll change your life.

RYAN

Life changing frog legs?!

ALICE

Yes. I’m that good.

RYAN

I’m sure you are.

ALICE

I am.

RYAN

But I’m going to have to be drunk to eat frog legs. Wine?

ALICE

Of course there’ll be wine. You can’t eat French food without the wine!

RYAN

But none of those stinky cheeses.

ALICE

Oh, you’ll eat the stinky cheeses!

RYAN

Nooo!

ALICE

Epoisses de Bourgogne, affine au chablis, le pavin d’Auvergne…

RYAN

And for dessert? I like chocolate.

ALICE

How about a chocolate tarte tropézienne?

RYAN

What’s that?

ALICE

Giant cream puff.

RYAN

Say it again.

ALICE

Giant cream puff.

RYAN

No, in French!

ALICE

Tarte tropézienne.

RYAN

Again.

ALICE

Tarte tropézienne.

RYAN

Again.

ALICE

Tropézienne.

…!

RYAN

…!

 

Someone might be about to make a move.

RYAN

You’re really–

ALICE

I have to pee.

RYAN

Oh.

 

Pause.

ALICE

It’s just. I did originally come in here to pee before we were sexiled and it’s been like a while and so now it’s becoming like a more urgent matter.

RYAN

Oh. Yeah of course.

ALICE

Thanks.

RYAN

I’ll just brave myself for battle out there. A guy with a neck tattoo can’t hit too hard, right?

ALICE

I think they were probably done a while ago.

RYAN

Yeah.

ALICE

So.

RYAN

Well uh.

ALICE

Good luck with your mom. Whatever that situation is. Just. Good luck.

RYAN

Thanks.

ALICE

And good luck in other stuff too. Whatever other stuff comes up.

RYAN

Thanks. Good luck with your stripper roommate.

ALICE

Ha, thanks.

RYAN

So…

 

Ryan goes to the door. He pauses.

RYAN

Is this–? So I’ll just leave now.

 

He doesn’t.

ALICE

You can find me here. I don’t know how long you’ll be in town, waiting, you know…

RYAN

Yeah. Um, well she hasn’t shown up yet.

ALICE

Right. So, I don’t know a lot of people here and if you want, like, a friend?

RYAN

Right. A friend.

ALICE

I’d like that.

RYAN

I’ll bring juice boxes. Next time.

ALICE

Okay.

RYAN

I don’t think they still make Dunkaroos.

ALICE

I wouldn’t share them anyway!

RYAN

Right. Ha. Well. I’ll let you–

ALICE

Thanks.

RYAN

I was just going to say– Earlier. I was just going to say you’re really nice.

ALICE

Thanks.

RYAN

So I’ll see you soon.

ALICE

See you soon.

RYAN

Good. Well. Wish me luck!

 

Ryan looks at the door and makes like he’s braving himself for battle.

Alice laughs.

ALICE

Good luck.

 

Ryan’s gone. Alice is left alone.

Suddenly, Ryan is back.

RYAN

We never…

ALICE

Yeah?!

 

Ryan steps forward and holds out his hand.

RYAN

I’m Ryan.

ALICE

Oh. Alice.

 

They exchange awkward laughs and a handshake that lasts a beat too long.

RYAN

Bye.

 

Ryan goes. Alice is left alone.

She doesn’t pee.

 

Blackout.

 

End of Play.

 

 

 

CHARACTERS:

 

LEAH           a preacher’s kid and recent high school graduate; female

 

CARRIE         her slightly older secret girlfriend; female

 

 

TIME:          the end of summer

 

 

PLACE:         a church attic

A candlelit church attic. Amid scattered relics (a stray pew or two, dusty stacks of old hymnals, and so on), the most eye-catching item is an old baptistery – a tank once used for baptisms of the total-immersion, dunking type, not the sprinkle-some-water-over-your-head type.

 

The tank has been filled with water, and reflections from the clear surface are flickering throughout the space. Also flickering: the lit candles that are set up all over. The effect is at once spooky and sacred.

 

After a moment, LEAH enters, carrying two brass candlesticks with unlit candles, two baptismal robes, and two towels.

 

She puts these items next to the baptistery, looks around as it to make sure everything is in place, then exits.

 

When she returns, she has CARRIE with her.

 

CARRIE

Whoa. Look at this place.

 

LEAH

Didn’t I tell you?

 

CARRIE

Is this why you couldn’t go to the movie? So you could set this all up?

 

LEAH

I wanted to create an atmosphere.

 

CARRIE

Looks like you created a fire hazard.

 

LEAH

We’ll be careful.

 

CARRIE

How did you fill up that tank?

 

LEAH

Baptistery. It’s called a baptistery.

 

CARRIE

Okay. How did you fill it up?

 

LEAH

A bucket.

 

CARRIE

You went up and down the stairs with a bucket? How many trips did that take?

 

LEAH

A lot.

 

CARRIE

No wonder you missed the movie.

 

LEAH

The water got cold.

 

CARRIE tests the water with her hand.

 

CARRIE

I wonder how many people got baptized in this thing.

 

LEAH

Did you bring your swimsuit?

 

CARRIE

I thought you were kidding.

 

LEAH lifts up her shirt, showing that she’s wearing a swimsuit under her clothes.

 

LEAH

I wasn’t.

 

CARRIE laughs, then catches herself.

 

CARRIE

Are you sure it’s okay that we’re up here?

 

LEAH

Of course not. We’re totally trespassing.

 

CARRIE

Are you serious?

 

LEAH

I told you that. Just like I told you to bring your swimsuit. I wasn’t kidding. When do I ever kid?

 

CARRIE

Okay but I mean, will your dad be mad?

 

LEAH

No.

 

CARRIE

Even though we’re trespassing in his church? Isn’t this like his property?

 

LEAH

A church isn’t anybody’s property. Except God’s I guess. But it’s definitely not my dad’s. He’s just the preacher.

 

CARRIE

So he’s like renting and God is the landlord?

 

LEAH

No, God is just the Lord.

 

CARRIE

Okay, well isn’t your dad going to be mad that we’re trespassing on the Lord’s property?

 

LEAH

No. Because he’ll never know. He’s at home practicing his sermon.

 

CARRIE

Yeah, but there could be like other church folk lurking around, couldn’t there?

 

LEAH

“Church folk”?

 

CARRIE

You know. Like altar boys or . . . old ladies saying prayers in front of candles.

 

LEAH

I think you’re thinking of Catholics. We don’t have altar boys. And believe me: I’ve spent pretty much my

entire life at this church, and I can tell you that if there’s one time when NOBODY wants to be here, it’s Saturday night.

 

CARRIE

I don’t know. Sunday morning isn’t a very fun time to be here, either, if you ask me.

 

LEAH

Well, it isn’t exactly supposed to be fun.

CARRIE

I know, I know. Fun is for harlots.

[with mock fear] Oh please don’t stone me or make me watch Fox News!

 

LEAH

You’re sacrilegious.

 

CARRIE

Isn’t it just awful?

 

LEAH

Come here.

 

CARRIE goes to LEAH. They kiss.

 

CARRIE

It really is pretty in here.

 

LEAH

Thank you.

 

CARRIE

Is it for like making out?

 

LEAH

What? No!

 

CARRIE

No? I thought that’s why you went to all this trouble. With the candles and the not-so-hot tub and the alone time. To set a mood or whatever.

 

LEAH

I did want to set a mood, but not for –

 

CARRIE

Then what?

 

LEAH

For a ritual.

 

CARRIE

A ritual.

 

LEAH

Like a special ceremony –

 

CARRIE

I know what a ritual is. It’s where I go to a spooky attic in an abandoned church and my secret girlfriend cuts my throat in that tank.

 

LEAH

I’m serious! I want us to perform a ritual. Together.

 

CARRIE

What kind of a ritual?

 

LEAH picks up the two unlit candlesticks.

 

LEAH

With these.

 

She hands one of the candlesticks to CARRIE. Then LEAH uses a lit candle nearby to light the candle in the candlestick she’s holding.

 

LEAH

Here, give me yours.

 

CARRIE

What is this for? Why do we need to do a ritual?

 

LEAH

Because summer is ending. You’re gonna go back to college and I’ll be here.

 

CARRIE

You’ll be at college, too.

 

LEAH

Not the same college. I’m starting at Weston. Which hardly even counts as a college to begin with.

 

CARRIE

And what, this ritual is like a . . .?

 

LEAH

Like a consecration. Or a commemoration, maybe?

 

CARRIE

You are so dramatic.

 

LEAH

Give me your candle.

 

CARRIE hesitates, but inclines her candle toward LEAH. LEAH lights it with hers.

 

LEAH

Now repeat after me.

 

LEAH positions CARRIE so that they’re standing face-to-face in front of the baptistery.

 

LEAH

“Whither thou goest, I will go.”

 

CARRIE

Sorry, “goest”? Why are you talking like Romeo and Juliet?

 

LEAH [more insistently]

“Whither thou goest, I will go.”

 

CARRIE

Okay, okay. “Whither thou goest, I will go.”

 

LEAH

“Thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.”

 

CARRIE

“Thy people shall be my people, and thy God” – Actually, I don’t know if we’re on the same page there. I’m not a fundy evangelical like you.

 

LEAH

Do you really think I still count as a fundy evangelical? After this summer?

 

CARRIE

Good point. “Thy God is my God” or whatever it was.

 

LEAH

“Where thou diest, will I die.”

 

CARRIE

“Where thou diest, will I die.” Hopefully not in that tank.

 

LEAH

“The Lord do so to me, and more besides, if anything but death part thee and me.”

 

CARRIE

“The Lord do so to me if anything” – Wait, what was it?

 

LEAH

“If anything but death part thee and me.”

 

CARRIE

“If anything but death part thee and me.” Death and Weston Community College.

 

LEAH

Same thing. Now put your candle out in the baptistery. Do it with me.

 

They lower their candlesticks to the water, extinguishing the flames.

 

LEAH

And now we baptize one another in the water of life, made sacred by the flame of our love.

 

CARRIE

Did you make this all up on your own?

 

LEAH

The vow came from the Book of Ruth, but I thought up the details. I’m very dramatic, remember?

 

She begins removing her outer clothes.

 

CARRIE

You’re actually going to get in that thing?

 

LEAH

Yes.

 

CARRIE

Are you crazy?

 

LEAH

No. A little intense, maybe. But not crazy.

 

CARRIE

What about me?

 

LEAH

You’re not crazy either. Just afraid to express your feelings.

 

CARRIE

No, I meant what about me and the tank?

 

LEAH

 

CARRIE

Whatever. I didn’t bring my swimsuit and I’m not getting naked in a church attic.

 

LEAH

Then I can just sprinkle water over your head.

 

CARRIE [with mock outrage]

You mean like the Catholics?! But only the dunked shall enter the kingdom of heaven, thus sayeth the Lord!

 

LEAH

This isn’t about entering the kingdom of heaven. This is about us.

 

She finishes undressing down to her swimsuit. Then she takes a baptistery robe and puts it on over her swimsuit.

 

CARRIE watches.

 

LEAH

How do I look?

 

CARRIE

Like you’re about to sing backup for somebody.

 

LEAH

You can put the other one on.

 

CARRIE finds the other baptism robe, puts it on.

 

CARRIE

What do you think?

 

LEAH

It’s perfect.

 

CARRIE

It’s roomy, that’s for sure. Reminds me of this housedress my nana used to –

 

LEAH

Shh. You’ll break the spell.

 

CARRIE

 

LEAH gets in the baptistery, shivering and shuddering with the cold of the water.

 

CARRIE

Too cold?

 

LEAH

Frigid.

 

CARRIE

Well then get out of there. We can both sprinkle water over our heads.

 

LEAH

No, I can do this. Just hurry.

 

CARRIE

Are you sure?

 

LEAH

Hurry!

 

CARRIE

What do I do?

 

LEAH

Just like dip me. Backwards.

 

CARRIE

Like we’re dancing?

 

LEAH

 

They get in position. CARRIE stands outside of the tank, but where she can dip LEAH backwards into the water.

 

CARRIE

Should I say a few words?

 

LEAH

Yes.

 

CARRIE thinks for a moment.

 

CARRIE

I don’t know what to say.

 

LEAH

Yes you do. You’re just fighting it.

 

CARRIE

I’m not fighting anything! I’m standing here about to baptize you in the water of life made sacred by the flame of our love, aren’t I?

 

LEAH

I’m freezing.

 

CARRIE

I’m trying!

 

LEAH

Just go!

 

CARRIE

Okay, I’ve got it!

 

Calming breath

 

CARRIE

[solemnly] I have loved you.

 

She dips LEAH backwards into the water.

 

CARRIE

I love you.

 

She brings LEAH back up out of the water.

 

CARRIE

I will love you.

 

LEAH [sputtering]

I think I got water up my nose.

 

CARRIE

Can we get you out of there now?

 

LEAH [pointing]

There’s a towel over there.

 

CARRIE finds it, wraps it around LEAH’s shoulders, and guides her out of the tank.

 

CARRIE

You’re going to freeze to death.

 

LEAH [shivering]

I’m fine.

 

CARRIE

You’re crazy.

 

LEAH

No, I’m not, just a little –-

 

CARRIE

Just a little intense. I know, I know.

 

LEAH

Make me warm.

 

CARRIE

Come here.

 

CARRIE brings LEAH close. They sit on the floor, leaning against the baptistery.

 

CARRIE puts her arms around LEAH to warm her.

 

CARRIE

Is that better?

 

LEAH

Yes.

 

CARRIE

I can’t believe you actually got in that thing.

 

LEAH

I know you think I’m silly. Or too much or whatever.

 

CARRIE

No I don’t.

 

LEAH

But at least you won’t forget me.

 

CARRIE

Stop talking like we’re breaking up.

 

LEAH

I’m not naïve.

 

CARRIE

Didn’t you hear what I said when I dipped you?

 

LEAH

Baptized.

 

CARRIE

Whatever. Didn’t you hear what I said? “I have loved you, I love you, I will love you.”

 

LEAH

How?

 

CARRIE

How will I love you? Like this . . .

 

She leans in for a kiss.

 

LEAH

I meant going forward.

 

CARRIE

Am I not being forward enough?

 

LEAH

I mean like in the future. When you’re away and I’m at Weston. How will you love me then?

 

CARRIE

We’ll talk. And text. And you’ll come visit.

 

LEAH

That’s nothing. You’re describing nothing.

 

CARRIE

It’s not nothing! It’s . . . a promise.

 

LEAH

A promise.

 

CARRIE

That what we started can be continued.

 

LEAH

Continued with someone else.

 

CARRIE

Leah . . .

 

LEAH [deciding to brush it all aside]

I know. You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m screwing up the ritual. The truth is, it doesn’t even matter. The future.

 

CARRIE

Well, that doesn’t sound like you.

 

LEAH

That’s what was wrong with your baptism, actually. The words you said.

 

CARRIE

Okay, but let’s not forget I didn’t have all day to prepare like you when you were marching up and down those stairs a million times with your bucket.

 

LEAH

I mean, I get it: “I have loved you, I love you, I will love you.” Past, present, and future, world without end, amen. Very clever.

 

CARRIE

Thank you.

 

LEAH

Clever but wrong. We don’t have a past – we met two and a half months ago. And we don’t have a future either –

 

CARRIE

I thought we weren’t going to talk about the future.

 

LEAH

I’m not. I’m just saying that the past and the future aren’t what we have. What we have is this summer. Now. This one perfect summer.

 

CARRIE

That’s a lot, isn’t it?

 

LEAH

No. Not really. But it’s what we have.

 

CARRIE

What about you and your baptism? The words you said? All that “whither thou goest, I shall goest too?” That’s not accurate either, is it?

 

LEAH

You mean because you’re moving on and I’m staying behind? Thanks for rubbing it in.

 

CARRIE

I didn’t mean to –-

 

LEAH

I guess you’re right, but I meant it symbolically. Like wherever we go –-

 

CARRIE

 

LEAH

Wherever we go, this summer will go with us. At least for me. But you’re right that the vow focuses too much on the future. I should have stayed in the present. I should have . . .

 

She trails off.

 

CARRIE

It was beautiful, Leah. You are beautiful. This whole thing —

 

LEAH

Thanks. You don’t have to. It’s just. It’s sad.

 

They sit there in sad silence for a while.

 

CARRIE is the first to break the spell.

 

CARRIE [trying to sound hearty]

Well, are you going to dunk me now or what?

 

LEAH

Dunk you? But I thought –

 

CARRIE

Listen, I came here for a baptism and I’m not leaving without one.

 

LEAH

But you don’t have your swimsuit.

 

CARRIE

To hell with it.

 

CARRIE gets in the tank.

 

CARRIE

Baptize me.

 

LEAH

Really?

 

CARRIE

Either baptize me or watch me freeze to death.

 

LEAH nods, gets in the tank with CARRIE.

 

LEAH

We have to do this right.

 

They get in baptizing position, this time with LEAH positioned so that she can dip CARRIE backwards into the water.

 

They look at one another.

 

LEAH

I summer you.

 

CARRIE smiles.

 

CARRIE

I summer you, too.

 

LEAH dips CARRIE back.

 

Blackout

 

End

A waiting room at a hospital. Three people (A, B,

and C) are sprawled out, waiting. It should be

noted that none of these characters are gender

specific, and may be cast in any way, though they

have all been denoted as “she,” for simplicity and

also as a sort of a screw-you to the patriarchy.

Beat.

A

Nothing worse than a waiting room, huh?

B

Hm?

A

Uh, I said, nothing worse than a waiting room, y’know?

B

Oh, ha, yeah.

A

Even when it’s slow, you still wait around forever.

Like they’re trying to weed out any fakers.

B

Lots of paperwork, I guess.

A

True, true, lots of paperwork.

B goes back to her phone. Slight beat.

A (cont’d)

So whatcha in for?

B

Oh. Just an appointment.

A

Check-up?

B

Not…exactly. Uh…

A

Oh, sorry! Sorry, I’m prying. I didn’t mean – waiting

rooms just make me so anxious, y’know?

B

(relaxing)

Yeah. Um. I’m just here for a consultation.

2.

A

Oh, for…?

She gestures toward her heart.

B

Well, that is what they do here.

A

Ha, true.

(Pause, then:)

I’m having it done today. Just –

She makes a quick snipping motion.

B

Wow. It’s quite a step.

A

It is, but I’m ready for it. I’m – I think, it seems

like the best decision. Logical and all.

B

Right…

A

You don’t think so?

B

What?

A

You sound like you disagree.

B

Oh. No. I don’t know. I think it’s different for

everyone.

A

Sure. But you’re here for a consultation, aren’t you?

B

Yea. But just a consultation. I mean, it’s a big

decision to make. I probably won’t go through with it.

But hey! Good for you.

A

Yea.

(Pause.)

Can I ask why?

3.

B

Why what?

A

Why don’t you think you’ll go through with it?

B

I just don’t think it’s for me.

A

But you’re here.

B

I mean I don’t want to close myself off from the

possibility.

A

So you’re saying you might do it.

B

Frankly, it’s not any of your business.

A

Right. Sorry. God, sorry.

A turns away. A beat.

B

I…lost someone incredibly important to me. A few

months ago, and I just thought I should…explore my

options.

A

Oh. Yeah. Um. I’m sorry for your loss.

B

Thank you. I get it, you know. Why you’d wanna do it.

If you don’t have a heart, it can’t get hurt anymore.

That’s what they say.

A

That is what they say. For me, it wasn’t really one big

event for anything like that. It’s just like – there’s

always been this sadness, this like little piece of ice

that just sits in my heart and makes everything seems

so cloudy, like somebody’s covering the world with

plastic wrap. I’d like to see the world without those

clouds. Just once. And if they can’t remove the ice,

well, then, I guess it’s better if they just take the

whole thing.

4.

B

Are you scared?

A

A little.

(relenting)

A lot.

C

And that’s exactly why you need it done!

C, who has been reading a newspaper in the corner,

joins the convo.

A

Huh?

C

That fear is exactly why the procedure is necessary.

Everyone should have it done. Honestly, it should be a

requirement.

B

A requirement?

C

You heard me.

(to A)

See, you’re scared now – and I suppose we can’t blame

you, with your heart pounding away in your chest – but

once it’s removed – poof! No fear! About anything.

A

No fear? At all?

C

None! The promotion you were so nervous about asking

for? Easily attained. Worried about that big meeting?

Not anymore! I’m telling you, I was a hypochondriac

before I had it done. Now I’m calm as a clam!

B

Isn’t the saying, “happy as a clam”?

C

Well, sure, but have you ever actually seen a clam?

Nothing that ugly can possibly be happy.

A

It’s really that great?

5.

C

Having my heart removed was the single greatest

decision I ever made. I am one hundred percent more

productive now than I was before. You really don’t know

how much emotions slow you down until you no longer

have them. How many hours a day do you waste taking

care of everyone’s feelings or sorting through your

own? How much money do you waste getting drunk so you

can get over the asshole who cheated on you with your

sister?

A

Oddly specific, but I take your point.

C

That ice in your heart, my best friend had it too. And

it drove her mad. The day she killed herself is the day

I decided to have my heart removed. I couldn’t go on

feeling her pain if she couldn’t stick around to feel

it herself. And now, here I am! Thriving and making

more money than I ever imagined.

B

What’s the point, though?

C

Excuse me?

B

What’s the point of all the money? What do you do with

it?

C

I put it in savings. Go on vacations. I buy things.

B

But why buy things? Because they make you feel good?

C

They don’t make me feel anything. That’s the trick of

it.

B

So you just buy things to buy them.

C

I buy things because they cultivate a certain sense of

status. They build my brand.

B

Okay, what about the vacations? Why take those if not

to relax and enjoy yourself?

6.

C

I take vacations because it’s scientifically proven

that relaxation increases lifespan and productivity.

B

So that’s it, then, the whole point of life is to be

productive.

C

What else would it be?

B

I don’t know, happiness, I guess?

C

(laughing)

Oh, sure, happiness. I used to think that. I used to

think that I was striving toward happiness and the pain

I experienced outside of that was just a roadblock I’d

eventually push past. But happiness is never just

happiness. That’s what they don’t tell you. In order to

experience euphoric joy, you need to understand

absolute despair. Is that worth it?

Slight beat. B is at a loss.

B

I don’t know. Maybe you’re right. Maybe getting rid of

your heart really does make life easier.

But.

One of the last days before he died, Greg, my… we

went up to this state park that’s like an hour outside

of the city. And we hiked for like three hours, which

was a lot for him, cause the cancer, at that point,

made it really hard for him to do pretty much anything.

But he was so determined, he was gonna make it to the

top of a mountain. And we got to this cliff, and we

looked out and all you could see was just trees for

miles and miles. Greg said nobody would be able to hear

us if we screamed. So we did. We stood there on that

cliff and tried to scream our lungs out into all those

trees. It was the first time in a year that I didn’t

feel like crying. I just felt free.

That memory, it doesn’t take up space in my brain. It’s

in my heart. All the days with Greg are. If I take it

out, he’ll just be facts and figures. Everything will.

B gathers up her stuff and turns to go. At the

door, she turns back.

7.

B (cont’d)

(to A)

I don’t think you should have the surgery. It hurts a

lot, but it’s really beautiful too, isn’t it?

A says nothing. B turns and exits. When she’s

gone, C sighs.

C

What an odd individual! Who would seriously want to go

on living with all that pain? Not us!

A

Right.

C

It’ll all be better once the surgery is over, you’ll

see.

A

Better, yeah. Better.

They sit in silence. A tries to make a decision.

THE LIGHTS GO DOWN.