A one act play

Setting
A camp for troubled teens. Present day. Or close enough.

Characters
JESS, 16. Queer. Puts up walls and burns down bridges (and towns).
WENDY, late 40s or early 50s. A shell of (self) hatred. Head counselor at the camp.
RAYLEIGH, 17. Weaker than she looks. Stronger than she feels.
CONNOR, 17. Worried about who he’ll become.

Summary
Three young adults struggle to hold on to their sense of self at a camp for troubled teens while going head-to-head with a counselor far more broken than she lets on.

 

Lights up on JESS sitting on a swivel chair in front of a large but organized desk. The chair on the other side of the desk is empty. Jess spins from side to side on the chair, kicks her foot against the desk, reaches for a picture frame that’s facing away from her, picks it up to examine it, then jumps when she hears a knock at the door behind her. She hastily returns the picture frame to its place on the desk as WENDY enters.

 

WENDY

Jessica! Hello. I’m sorry if I’ve kept you waiting.

JESS

Jess.

WENDY

I’m sorry?

JESS

It’s Jess.

Wendy walks around the desk and sits down across from Jess.

WENDY

Of course. You can be called whatever you want here.

Just let the counsellors know.

JESS

Really? Whatever I want?

WENDY

Within reason. Of course.

JESS

Of course.

Wendy picks up a file from her desk, glances over it while she speaks to Jess.

WENDY

Do you know why you’re here, Jess?

JESS

My parents sent me.

WENDY

Yes. But why did they send you, do you think?

JESS

Because I’m not performing to their preferences?

Wendy finally looks up at Jess.

WENDY

We’re here to help you, Jess.

We’re not the enemy.

JESS

And how exactly do you plan on helping me here?

WENDY

Encouragement. Guidance.

JESS

Manual labor?

WENDY

Our purpose here is to give you a greater sense of purpose.
So yes. Everyone at the camp helps with daily chores and maintaining the grounds.

JESS

And that’s meant to turn me straight by…?

WENDY

We’re not trying to turn you straight, Jess.
You’re just looking for meaning in all the wrong places.

JESS

How is a place like this even still around?

WENDY

If there weren’t parents who cared as much about their children as yours do, you’re right.
We probably wouldn’t be around.
Not after the Governor stopped allowing tax dollars to fund our mission.

… [Click here to purchase a copy of the magazine]

A Play in Ten Minutes

(The lights rise on SCOTT staring up at a roof while smoking a cigarette. HE wears dirty jeans, T-shirt and work boots, and one of his hands has a rag wrapped tightly around it.)

 

(After a moment, PAUL enters. HE is dressed business casual and has a laptop in a case slung across a shoulder. HE crosses to SCOTT who doesn’t acknowledge his presence. HE looks up where SCOTT is looking. THEY stare up in silence)

 

SCOTT

(drawing out his words) Yeah. Yeah, I think that’s all that’s gonna get done today, Scribbles.

PAUL

“Scribbles?”

SCOTT

That’s what ya do!  Ya scribble words.

PAUL

Mostly on this laptop. Sometimes an IPad…

SCOTT

Same thing.

PAUL

If you’re going to give me a nickname, please pick something else, like “Hemingway” or “Shakespeare.” Scribbles sounds like the name of a cat.

SCOTT

“Shakespeare?” Gettin’ full of yourself, ain’t ya?

PAUL

Been full of myself my whole life.  (pointing up) Looks good.

SCOTT

Ya think so? I’ll bet you can’t even tell me where I’ve laid in the new shingles.

(beat as PAUL doesn’t respond)

SCOTT (cont.)

No, huh? You know why? It’s because I’m that good. It’s the way it’s supposed to look. When I finish a job it doesn’t stick out from everything else screamin’ “repair” – “the roof had a leak!” You don’t want to advertise you had a leaky roof. Someday you might want to sell this place. No one wants to buy a house that had a leaky roof. It’s a gut reaction thing, ya know? They’re not even thinking it. But they’re feeling it – if the roof has had one leak it’s gonna have another. It’s trouble. Nobody wants to buy trouble. Especially one that’s expensive to fix.

PAUL

I hope to hell that was the only leak.

SCOTT

Don’t worry, man. I’ll take care of you. I promised Rachel I’d take good care of you and that’s what I’m doing. When I’m finished, that roof’ll be good for a hundred and fifty years. Like a damn monument. Longer than we’ll be around.

PAUL

Speak for yourself. I’m not leaving.

SCOTT

Shit, man… you live to be a hundred and you’ll be prayin’ to go.

PAUL

Not me. I’m not going anywhere.

SCOTT

OK. All right. You do that.

(looks at PAUL)

Bet you’re wonderin’ why I’m cutting out early. I don’t work office hours. I work ‘till I have to stop. That’s ‘cause some days you can’t work at all, ya know? Like today was a good day – not too hot. Nice breeze up there. Working on slate shingles can be like working on little mirrors, ya know?  Not like you see yourself in ‘em or anything like that but they reflect the heat from the sun. But now look at that shit rolling in…

(HE points and THEY both look)

I see that and I stop and I get my ass down on the ground.  You ain’t never gonna find me up on a roof in the rain or right after it rains or even if it just looks like rain.  Ain’t nothin’ more slippery, more treacherous…

PAUL

Treacherous?

SCOTT

Hey, just ‘cause I work with my hands doesn’t mean I don’t read or have a good vocabulary…

PAUL

I didn’t mean…

SCOTT

Aw, don’t worry, man. Just jerkin’ your chain a little.

PAUL

I wasn’t trying to insult you…

SCOTT

I just said don’t worry about. Now, tell me you’re not going to worry about it.

(beat)

PAUL

“I’m not going to worry about it.”

SCOTT

There ya go! Now, what was I tellin’ you – oh, yeah! You ain’t never, never gonna find me up on a slate roof if there’s rain even in the forecast. Ain’t worth the risk. There’s a reason people say, “easy as fallin’ off a roof.” ‘Cause it is easy. I already fell once because of this numb-nuts-jackass who was supposed to be helpin’ me. He just helped me into the emergency room. No, sir. I ain’t fallin’ again. Ever. Ev-vah. Broke both legs. I’ve still got metal pins in me holdin’ shit together.

PAUL

Sorry.

SCOTT

Nothin’ to be sorry about. Ain’t nothin’ but a thing, ya know? I lived to work another day.  I got plenty of other projects I can be doin’ and if I didn’t I’d find somethin’ to do. You ain’t never going to find anybody who can do a better job. Hell, you can pay three times as much for shit work. You know that don’t you? I could never deal with people that way. I don’t understand it. I make enough money, ya know? I ain’t gonna rip people off for more money. I don’t need more money – well, everybody can use more money, but I make enough to do what I want to do so what the hell would I do with it, anyway? Buy myself a God damn boat or somethin’?  See, I worked for this one company for a lot of years – a lot of years. And they were good to me and everything but they just took advantage of people all the time. People don’t even know they’re being took – they don’t know a damn thing about their own roof. So, they get ripped off and thank you for doing it.  Can you imagine that? I rip you off and you thank me?

PAUL

That’s how I feel whenever I take the car in.

SCOTT

Exactly. You don’t know shit about cars so you’re just gonna do whatever they tell you. Unless you got a friend who’s a mechanic. Oh, hey – I gotta friend who’s a damn good mechanic if you ever need one. You can trust this guy.

PAUL

That would be great…

SCOTT

He doesn’t steal. Like this guy that runs this company I used to work for. He doesn’t put a gun against your head. You give him the money ‘cause you don’t know any better. You see his trucks drivin’ around town. He’s got crews workin’ all over the city.

PAUL

A successful businessman.

SCOTT

‘Cause he gives you the business. Nothin’ illegal, you know what I’m sayin’? It just ain’t right.  He don’t even come into the office anymore. He’s always out on his boat. And he’s got three daughters who are supposed to be working for the company – doing what I don’t have a clue because they don’t come in except for maybe the Christmas party.  So, this guy’s got this huge overhead he has to pay to support his whole family so none of them has to actually do any work and you know keeping a boat ain’t cheap. Well, he’s gotta keep that cash flow flowin’ you know? And that’s what he does. Me, I couldn’t sleep at night. But I don’t sleep that much anyway.

PAUL

Me either. Must be getting old…

SCOTT

I ain’t up ‘cause I have to take a piss. I’m up because I can’t sleep. So, I figure I might as well do somethin’ instead of starin’ at the wall or twitchin’ around in bed and drivin’ Rachel crazy ‘cause she’s tryin’ to sleep.

PAUL

Kathy has trouble sleeping some nights and gets up and turns on the computer or cooks or does laundry. It drives me crazy if I wake up and she’s not there.

SCOTT

I think Rachel likes that I let her sleep. Hey, can you believe I’ve been married six months now? Six months? I can’t believe it.  I still can’t believe she married me in the first damn place.

PAUL

You’re too hard on yourself.

SCOTT

No, I’m not. I’m a pain in the ass and I know I’m a pain in the ass.

PAUL

If you say so.

SCOTT

So, when are you two gonna get married?

PAUL

Oh, man. You’d have to ask her.

SCOTT

OK. I will.

PAUL

Go right ahead.

SCOTT

You know I will.

PAUL

I know.

SCOTT

It’s the best thing I ever done. But it scares the shit out me sometimes when I think about it. The rest of my life, man…

PAUL

That’s the way I thought it was supposed to be.  But I think the problem is people live so much longer these days. Back when most people didn’t live past thirty or forty they didn’t have time to get grow apart or have some midlife crisis. You didn’t live long enough to fall out of love.  I think some people want more than they have or panic – you know, “is this all there is?”

SCOTT

My parents have been together over 60 years. I thought that’s what I’d have, you know.  They say it’s better to fix things than to throw them away…

PAUL

Except both people have to want to fix it, though.

SCOTT

You don’t want to get married again?

PAUL

I’d like to be married again. The weird thing is, it’s like the roles have reversed. When you’re in your twenties women want to get married but men don’t. Now, at my age all the men want to get married but the women don’t.

SCOTT

Maybe she just doesn’t want to marry you. I’m just sayin’…

PAUL

She says she’s been married once and she doesn’t know what it means anymore.

SCOTT

Means I need to pay attention to a lot of things I’m not used to thinkin’ about. I got to be a little more careful on the job. Make sure I’m with her when I should be instead of being up on some damn roof. Let her sleep when she needs to sleep… That’s when I work on my art.

(Beat)

Bet you didn’t know I was an artist, did ya? You just think I’m a workin’ man with dirty hands. And I am.  There’s dirt and stains that’ll never come off no matter what I do to clean my hands.

PAUL

What did you do to your hand?

SCOTT

Ah, slice it cutting a piece of slate. Edges are like knives. Happens all the time.

PAUL

I can get you some water, Neosporin…

SCOTT

What the fuck would I want with “Neosporin?”

PAUL

Keep it from getting infected…

SCOTT

Too much dirt on it to get infected. Dirt keeps the germs out.

(Beat)

PAUL

So, what kind of art to you make?

SCOTT

Little doll houses out of pieces of roofing slate.

(Beat)

SCOTT (cont.)

Nah, I’m jes’ jerkin’ your chain. I make metal sculptures. I used to do graffiti art when I was a wild-ass kid, but I got tired of tryin’ not to get caught. It used to be exciting, get your blood pumpin’, ya know? But it bores me now and I got tired of people comin’ and covering up what I just did. I didn’t used to care if somebody painted over something of mine, you know life’s like that but – I don’t know – maybe it’s ‘cause I’m getting’ older – I got interested in makin’ something that’ll last a while.

PAUL

Like this roof.

SCOTT

Exactly.  See, what I do is a combination of what some people call “found art”– you know, things I find like pieces of metal or wire fencing and then I weld things and paint ‘em sometimes. You should come over to the house and take a look. I’ve got a great sculpture in the front yard.

PAUL

I’d like that.

SCOTT

Yeah, Rachel’s always talkin’ about inviting you two over for dinner. Seems natural, since the two of them work together and all

PAUL

Sounds good. I wish I could make things like you do. Use my hands…

SCOTT

You use your fingers to type. That’s using your hands. I know I couldn’t do what you do.

PAUL

Have you tried?

SCOTT

In school, you know. Never interested me. I can’t sit still that long. Hey, you know what you could do for me?

PAUL

What?

SCOTT

I want to expand my business. I know I can do a better job than these companies and charge a whole lot less. And you’d think that’d be enough, but it’s like people think it has to be expensive to be good. They don’t understand I can do a better job for less ‘cause I know how to do it right and what it really costs to do it. I’ve worked for these companies and I know how they cut corners and overcharge for this and that and I give myself enough time to do it right – Plus,  I can’t go door to door lookin’ for work. People see it’s just me and I ain’t wearin’ a uniform so they don’t trust me.  So, I need to convince people I can do a better job for less than money than if they call one of these companies. And I’m thinkin’ maybe if I had some kind of brochure or mailer to make my case – you know?

PAUL

I can help you do that.

SCOTT

See, I know all the things that would make me want to hire me…

PAUL

I can help you get it down on paper – organize it…

SCOTT

My family’s been doing this forever, you know?  And we’ve all worked for the same companies…

PAUL

See? Right there – that’s good. Generations of experience – experience working here in these neighborhoods… explain why you can charge less – “How does he do it?” Make people comfortable. Make them believe you’re that rare ting – an honest craftsman  — an artist up there on the roof who knows what’s best to do and who cares about being honest as much as he cares about doing good work.

SCOTT

Yeah. Somethin’ like that. Can you do something like that for me?

PAUL

Be happy to. You’re saving our ass with our roof…

SCOTT

Well, Rachel said to take good care of you guys…

PAUL

And we appreciate it. I’d love to be able to return the favor.

SCOTT

That’d be great. ‘Cause people don’t know anything. I mean look at your roof. There are old slates up there from when they built the house mixed in with the ones I’m using and you can’t tell the difference. You just can’t go to Home Depot and pick up slates to so the job right. You have to understand the differences between slates.  You can’t go by what color it is or how much it costs. You got look at the thickness and who you’re buying from – who made it. Some slates leach pyrites and stain the roof, others fade…

(HE points up and THEY both look)

Thick slates like yours are harder to cut right. And those small ones take more time. You gotta get your headlaps and sidelaps right…

PAUL

Pyrites?

SCOTT

And you got know how to nail them right. You can’t drive a nail in so far it puts pressure on the slates. The nail heads have got to lie inside the nail hole. That’s why you have to have a counter-sunk nail hole instead of a drilled nail hole. Drilling a hole is easier but it’s shitty work.

PAUL

Oh.

SCOTT

Hell, you gotta make sure you use the right kind of nail. You know what I mean? You have to use copper or stainless steel roofing nails. And that flashing there? C’mere and look at this …

(SCOTT moves and points up. PAUL follows and looks where SCOTT is looking)

See that? I use copper flashing. It’s more expensive but it’s the best thing you can do. You got to have twenty ounce copper on valleys and those built-in-gutters.

(SCOTT picks up a small scrap of copper from the ground and shows it to PAUL)

See, I do all the flashing myself. And I always take a piece of scrap copper and make a test before you I make the actual piece of flashing. Look at this – see, copper is soft enough that it bends easily and you can shape it by hand. But you don’t want to bend it too much.  You get it up there right and you won’t have to touch it again. Here take a look.

(HE hands PAUL the copper, and PAUL examines it)

(A cellphone rings. Beat. SCOTT steps back as PAUL pulls his cellphone from a pocket and answers it)

PAUL

(into the phone) Hello…. No, I just got home. Haven’t even walked in the house yet. I was looking at the work Scott did, and I started thinking. Got lost for a little while, you know?  It’s like I can still see him up there. I still can’t believe he’s gone.

(Beat)

Yeah, it is a damn shame.

(Beat)

I’m sorry, too. See you in a bit.

(HE places his phone back in his pocket. PAUSE as HE stares at SCOTT)

(to SCOTT)  God damn you. God damn you.

(HE goes to grab SCOTT, who steps away so that PAUL never touches him)

You knew it was going to rain…

SCOTT

It was a quick inspection. Thought I could beat the rain.

PAUL

But you didn’t. And you pay the price and Rachel pays the price and all your friends pay the price…

(Beat)

I am so fucking angry with you!

SCOTT

‘Cause you’re scared if that can happen to me…

PAUL

You knew what you were doing! I don’t even know where I am half the time.

SCOTT

But you’re still here.

(Beat)

You just want to figure it out: If this happens then that happens. That’s bullshit. You can’t figure it out. But you can remember. Look at that beautiful roof. Most people wouldn’t give it a second thought. But you know it’s going to last for a hundred and fifty years.

PAUL

Like a monument…

SCOTT

I’m sorry that’s all that’s left.

PAUL

And a yard full of copper scraps.

(Beat)

I was going to write you a brochure. You were going to have all the work you wanted.

SCOTT

Write me something else. Can you do that for me?

(Beat)

PAUL

Yeah. I can do that.

SCOTT

Exactly.

(PAUSE as THEY look at each other. PAUL extends his hand to SCOTT who smiles, then exits)

(PAUL watches him exit, then examines the copper piece in his hand. HE then stares up at the roof as THE LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK)

 

Characters:

Mya, 20’s
Dana, 50’s – 60’s
Jay, 50’s – 60’s

Setting: Dana and Jay’s House, Dinnertime

 

“Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them;
rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.”
~ Oscar Wilde

 

 

(MYA is having dinner with her parents DANA and JAY at their home. They’re halfway through the evening and everyone is in good spirits.)

DANA
And you’re sure you won’t be home for Thanksgiving?

MYA
No, I’ll have to be in Lugavaria then. That’s when they think the coup is going to happen.

JAY
I don’t like you going into all these warzones, Mya.

DANA
Jay, we talked about this.

MYA
It’s my job, Dad.

JAY
Doesn’t mean I have to like it.

MYA
I’ll have my crew with me. We get pulled out if anything gets too hot. Plus, it’s not a warzone yet. They’re just thinking it might turn into one if the election doesn’t go the way the autocrat wants it to.

DANA
Which autocrat is this again?

MYA
Shuva Perdaval.

(A beat. DANA and JAY share a look.)

What?

DANA
Um. I’ve never seen this Shuva–

(JAY clears his throat.)

JAY
Sorry, uh, would anyone like dessert? I made a torte.

DANA
Do you have a photo of him, Mya?

JAY
Dana.

MYA
Uh. I don’t, but he’s–I mean, you can Google him, I’m sure.

(DANA already has her phone out. She finds a photo.)

JAY
Dana, I don’t think we need to–

 

… [Click here to purchase a copy of the magazine]

Characters:

MAE: The mother of teenagers, late 30s to 40s. Often serious, but witty. Not rich, but gets by. A devoted parent who has had a rough few years.

LLOYD: A middle-aged dad of two teen girls. Probably blue collar. Gregarious, a man’s man. He probably laughs at jokes he knows he shouldn’t and thinks feeling guilty about it later makes it okay.

Setting:

Faculty lounge of your local high school.

Est. run time: 12-15 mins.

Note: A / indicates overlapping of dialogue.

These roles are not specific to any ethnicity, but diversity in casting is encouraged.

 

 

 

 

(Lights up on a faculty break room.)

(MAE enters, carrying a storage tote. She surveys the room then sets the tote on a table and goes back to get a second.)

(Mae smells something and goes to open a window. She removes items from the box, plates of cookies, some coffee mugs, t-shirts..)

(LLOYD enters, carrying some Walmart bags.)

 

LLOYD

(Jovially) Hi there. School board raffle?

MAE

Guilty.

LLOYD

Yeah, me too. I got some poster board and markers from Walmart. That’s what Jane said/

MAE

/Jane said someone else was getting that stuff. Great. I have the prizes.

LLOYD

Awesome. Brr. It’s cold in here. Can’t we just get it all set up in the hallway?

MAE

No, the hall walkers are here till 8 o’clock.

LLOYD

Hall walkers?

MAE

Folks who walk laps around the school.

LLOYD

What? That’s a thing?

MAE

It is. Especially when it gets cold. No one wants to walk outside, so …

LLOYD

I’ll keep an eye out. Don’t want to get slowly trampled to death.

MAE

Funny. Okay, let’s get these tables set up first. I have the tablecloths in here.

(They move and set up two folding tables through the following.)

LLOYD

I’m Lloyd, by the way.

MAE

Mae.

LLOYD

You school board?

MAE

Nah. I got an athlete. I get guilted into helping out a couple times a year.

LLOYD

Guilted?

MAE

I’m … happy to. It’s just … I volunteered for crap all the time when my kids were younger but I wasn’t working then. I feel like I have more than put in my time, but when your kid is in sports, they kind of expect a little more.

LLOYD

Well, this oughta go fast.

MAE

Yeah.

LLOYD

My wife usually does this stuff, but she’s out of town. I had the day off so what the heck?

Man, it’s freezing in here.

MAE

Sorry, I opened the window. The smell in here …

LLOYD

Hard to miss that. We can invent digital money but we still manage to burn microwave popcorn.

MAE

Heh. Unmistakable, isn’t it? I’ll close the window.

(She does.)

(They prepare the tables for a raffle sale through following.) 

LLOYD

So you got an athlete too, huh? What year?

MAE

Junior. Golf and basketball. Yours?

LLOYD

Well, I got a senior who plays basketball and volleyball.

MAE

Volleyball. So you have a daughter.

LLOYD

Yeah. Two actually. My youngest isn’t really into sports. She was kinda getting into golf for a while, but y’know … teenagers go through phases.

MAE

Boy howdy. God. You think the newborn stage is the hardest/

LLOYD

/Or three. I don’t know how we survived three. People talk about the terrible twos. Bullshit. A three year old will wear themselves out crying because their toast is too scratchy.

MAE

Mine once screamed the whole 30 miles home from T-ville because I didn’t let him have a THIRD time on the stupid mechanical Pikachu thing at the mall.

LLOYD

Before I had kids, I’d see parents yelling at their kids in the store or something and I’d be

(cont’d) like, “Jesus Christ, give the little dude a break.” I’d think, man I’ll never yell at my kids in public like that.

(Mae laughs knowingly.) 

Yeah. Now when I see those parents, I’m like, “That poor son of a bitch … or that poor lady.” Been there.”

MAE

Been there is right. Oh, man. I do not miss tantrums.

LLOYD

I did not miss the tantrums.

MAE

Oh, god. You have two teenage girls/

LLOYD

/Two. Teenage. Girls. Your trip home from T-ville? Every. Other. Day.

MAE

I just have moodiness. He’ll barely speak for days. He’s embarrassed to be seen with me. I’m like … I walked with you through that weird-ass phase when you were obsessed with pine cones.

You heard me right. He’d ask random strangers how many pine cones they had in their yard, or what kind of crafts did they think you could make out of pine cones.

LLOYD

Our youngest wouldn’t go on a regular toilet until she was almost five. We used to have to carry around a potty chair in the car, bring it in with us to the gas station if we stopped. This one time we were … (He stops. The memory is funny.)

(Mae laughs with him.) 

We were on a road trip, going up north, and … Bree, she had to go, like right now! So we had to pull over on this dirt road. And there she is doing a number two on her Elmo potty in a ditch.

(They laugh. Mae’s laugh fades as she realizes something.)

MAE

Your daughter’s name is Bree?

LLOYD

Yeah. That’s my sophomore.

MAE

Bree Allen?

LLOYD

Yeah! You know her?

MAE

I’m Steven’s mom.

(A moment.)

LLOYD

Ah.

(It is tense.)

How’s um, Steven doing?

MAE

He’s doing.

LLOYD

Young love, huh? Bree was pretty heartbroke.

MAE

I’m sure she was.

(Mae takes over the job of getting the raffle tables ready.) 

LLOYD

I mean. I don’t know what happened between ‘em. Steven seems like a nice enough kid.

MAE

He is. Nice enough.

LLOYD

I mean, Bree had been all moody for a few days and … then at dinner her sister asked about

(cont’d) homecoming and Steven and she started crying. Said he, what’s the word, ghosted her.

MAE

Ghosted her?

LLOYD

Yeah, I didn’t know either. It’s when someone just drops out. They just stop all contact.

MAE

M-hm.

LLOYD

He unfriended her, stopped calling her, saw her in the hall one day and walked the other way. She doesn’t know what she did.

MAE

Nothing.

LLOYD

What? I mean, she doesn’t seem to know either. I mean, boys … hey, I was one, but … it seemed like he really liked her …

MAE

He did. He … does.

LLOYD

So then, why …? Bree’s still moping around/

MAE

/It’s you.

LLOYD

What?

MAE

It’s you. You scared him.

LLOYD

What? I always shook his hand when he came to pick her up.

MAE

Yes.

LLOYD

We’d joke around/

MAE

/Joke around.

LLOYD

/Yeah. Nothing out of line, or anything/

MAE

/Nothing out of line? You threatened to shoot him!

LLOYD

What? No, oh … (Lloyd laughs) I guess, yeah. I told him, ‘bring my daughter home by 11 or you’ll meet my hunting rifle right up close/

MAE

/meet my hunting rifle right up close.

LLOYD

Yeah! See? I was just goofing around. I mean … sure, as a dad with a daughter, I always mean it a little, but I knew Steven was a good kid.

MAE

You said it every time. The last time he came by, you were cleaning it in the garage and you did this.

(Mae does the I’m-watching-you move.)

LLOYD

(Laughing) Come on. I was obviously kidding! That can’t be why he/

MAE

/Yes, it can! How would you like it if Bree came to pick up Steven and I said, “Honey, you keep your hands off my boy or I’ll shoot you in the face”?

LLOYD

Now, whoa there! I did not say anything like that/

MAE

Whoa there? You might as well have! You scared him! He’s not some character in a dumbass country music song. “I’ll just be here cleaning this gun.” He doesn’t know!

LLOYD

What?

MAE

Steven is … he’s on the spectrum. You know what I mean by the spectrum?

LLOYD

Like what, he’s autistic or something?

MAE

Yes. You’d never know it. Unless you’re me, or you’re very close to him. He isn’t always sure when someone is joking. Like, if they seem serious, he can’t always tell. It’s … hard sometimes. It’s the one area socially, where … it’s hard.

LLOYD

Shit. I’m sorry.

MAE

When he actually saw you with the gun /

LLOYD

/He freaked out. He … yeah. He took it to heart, I guess.

MAE

Yeah.

LLOYD

You know …

MAE

What do I know?

LLOYD

I feel like an asshole.

MAE

… Good.

LLOYD

I mean, I didn’t know. Hell, my high school girlfriend’s dad used to show off his switchblade every time/

MAE

/Why the hell is that funny in the first place? Especially today! I mean, do you watch the news?

LLOYD

Well, yeah, but I’m not one of those nuts who’s gonna go on a rampage or something.

MAE

But how would he know that? Hell, how would anyone know that? I mean, you can’t know anymore.

LLOYD

It scared him that bad? He told you?

MAE

Yes! He may be moody and embarrassed that I exist, but … he tells me things. He said the first time he thought maybe it was a joke, I mean, we’ve talked about this, we’ve worked on … social cues and … when he saw the gun, he couldn’t get it out of his head.

LLOYD

He told you all this.

MAE

Yeah.

LLOYD

So then … I mean, didn’t you figure I was joking? You been around, right?

MAE

Again. Have you seen the news lately? Sure, you were probably joking. You were probably okay.

(cont’d) But you also definitely have a gun that you at least implied you were ready to use on my son. I’ll take a broken hearted kid over …

What would you do? If you were me?

(Lloyd sits there.) 

(Mae puts a finishing touch on one of the tables.)

I think we’re done.

LLOYD

Mae.

MAE

Yes?

LLOYD

I’m truly sorry. I … it’s just a dumb guy thing. Dads protect their daughters. Hell, my oldest could protect me. She’s a really badass athlete. I’m just a fair shot deer hunter who thought he was being funny.

But it wasn’t funny to Steven and I apologize.

MAE

… Thank you.

LLOYD

Think I could talk to Steven? Would he be okay with that? Would you?

(Mae thinks.)

MAE

If it gets him to stop blasting Sam Smith songs on repeat, I’m willing to try. I will need to talk to him first.

LLOYD

It’s like Billie Eilish lives in my house.

MAE

Lloyd. Don’t you ever, even jokingly, threaten my son again.

LLOYD

Understood.

MAE

And God help you if you ever flaunt your goddamn guns around him.

LLOYD

I never flaunted …

(Mae shoots him look that says, “are you really?”)

MAE

Go ahead and test me.

(Lloyd looks at her, gets it, nods.)

I think we’re done here.

LLOYD

Okay. Do we leave the prizes in here?

MAE

Hell yes. We don’t want anyone walking off with them.

LLOYD

Right, right.

MAE

You mind helping me haul some of this leftover stuff to my car?

LLOYD

I guess. Of course!

MAE

(Mock tough guy) Don’t make me pull my switchblade, man.

LLOYD

(Picking up a box) Hey, now don’t be that guy.

MAE

I won’t. There’s enough of that guy in the world.

(They exit.)

(Lights out.)

 

FADE IN:

INT. APARTMENT – DAY

A young woman who has already lived a difficult life, PHOEBE sits on one of two stools at the lounging counter separating her small galley kitchen from the main room of the apartment. There is a plastic cup in front of her along with a fifth of vodka. The counter is cluttered with spice jars, olive oil bottles, dirty dishes, an open box of children’s cereal, mac-n-cheese boxes, children’s toys, and other kitchen odds and ends. The stove has pots on it. The sink is full of dishes. To the side, a small buffet holds the type of ceramics that children make as gifts, along with various bottles of liquor and shot glasses. A string of white Christmas lights hangs along the walls.

The door of the apartment is plain. The security chain is unlatched. Someone knocks. PHOEBE goes to the door and peers through the peephole.

PHOEBE
Who is it?

VI (O.S.)
Me.

PHOEBE sets the security chain then opens the door.

VI leans against the opposite wall so that he is facing PHOEBE as she looks through the partially opened door. VI exudes violence without any explicit threat. He leans in towards the door. One of his hands is on the wall next to the door and another hand is on the door. Only half his face is visible. A small mirror on the wall next to the door shows only half of PHOEBE’s face.

PHOEBE
Why you here?

VI
Early release.

 

… [Click here to purchase a copy of the magazine]

A Ten-Minute Comedy

Characters
Nic, Any Age or Gender
Olive, 40’s – 70’s, Female

Setting: The Audience, Right Before the Curtain Goes Up

 

“I pray you.”

~ William Shakespeare

 

(A theater. NIC is seated in the audience. OLIVE approaches NIC.
OLIVE seems hesitant. She looks around, and then –cautiously– sits
next to NIC. NIC notices her. They smile at her. OLIVE smiles back, but
it’s a weary smile. NIC goes back to looking at their program. A moment
passes. OLIVE can’t take it anymore.)

OLIVE
Is this part of the play?

(A beat. NIC turns to OLIVE.)

NIC
I’m sorry?

OLIVE
This. Is this part of the play?

(A moment.)

NIC
I don’t…understand the question?

OLIVE
Oh. Sorry. I get so nervous these days.

NIC
Nervous about what?

OLIVE
Well, theater is so different now. You go to see a play and they want you to walk through a maze or watch somebody make risotto, and then you have to eat the risotto, and it’s not seasoned properly. It used to be, you would walk in, take your seat, watch a play, and go home. Now, they want you to be afraid all the time.

NIC
Oh, you mean like immersive theater?

OLIVE
No, I’m talking about when the theater is all around you.

NIC
That’s–Right.

OLIVE
I like to ask ahead of time so I know what I’m getting myself into, but I forgot to call the box office, so now I’m nervous.

NIC
This isn’t immersive. It’s just a touring production of The Tempest.

OLIVE
Do you think they’ll come into the audience?

NIC
Uh. I’m not sure.

OLIVE
One time they came into the audience. They grabbed the woman next to me. Brought her up onstage. Never brought her back down.

NIC
She was probably a plant.

OLIVE
No, she was human. She had a bracelet on.

NIC
I mean, she was probably a part of the show.

OLIVE
She was when they brought her up onstage. They made her put on a clown nose and do jumping jacks. I would have died. Can you imagine? Jumping jacks? In front of other people? I’d sooner make love to my husband in front of his golfing buddies. Do you have any idea what I look like jumping up and down? I’ll spare you the image.

(A beat.)

NIC
That sounds–Yeah.

OLIVE
So I hope this is just a nice show without any of that nonsense.

NIC
I think it will be. These people are British. They never do anything fun.

OLIVE
British Shakespeare. God, I hope I can understand it.

NIC
You’ll be fine.

OLIVE
I wonder why they didn’t do the American version.

NIC
Well, it’s–a mystery, I guess.

OLIVE
My cousin John was in a Shakespeare play once. The one about the witch? The witches?

NIC
Oh, you mean–

OLIVE
Hamlet.

NIC
There aren’t any witches in Hamlet.

OLIVE
No, the mother was a witch.

NIC
Are you speaking figuratively or–?

OLIVE
No, she had on a long, black dress.

(A beat.)

That means she’s a witch.

NIC
Well, that’s–open to interpretation, I guess.

OLIVE
My cousin played the guy in the hole.

NIC
You mean the Gravedigger?

OLIVE
Yes.

NIC
Gotcha.

OLIVE
They couldn’t afford a real hole, because it was a small theater, so they painted a hole on the back wall and he stood in front of it.

NIC
Very creative.

OLIVE
Amazing how these people’s minds work. I never think of things like that.

NIC
Well, how often do you need to communicate to someone that you’re in a hole?

OLIVE
I’m never in a hole. I don’t like being underground.

NIC
Understandable.

OLIVE
I had a bad experience with a submarine once.

NIC
That sounds–Okay.

OLIVE
I’m Olive.

NIC
Nic.

OLIVE
You always come to the theater alone?

NIC
I prefer it, actually.

OLIVE
Why is that?

NIC
Because then you don’t have to talk to anybody.

(OLIVE laughs.)

OLIVE
You’re absolutely right. That’s why I don’t bring my husband.

NIC
How long have you been married?

OLIVE
Too long.

NIC
Well.

(A beat.)

OLIVE
You’re sure this isn’t part of the play?

NIC
I’m sure.

OLIVE
Because if you’re an actor, you’re very good.

NIC
I’m not an actor.

OLIVE
I respect what actors do. The arts are important.

NIC
Yes, they are, but–

OLIVE
You know what I bought my daughter in third grade? A ukulele.

(A beat.)

It’s good for kids.

NIC
Ukuleles?

OLIVE
Music.

NIC
Well. Yes.

OLIVE
She had no talent for it. Poor thing. She tried though.

NIC
That’s what’s important.

OLIVE
Is there music in this?

NIC
The play?

OLIVE
Yeah.

NIC
There probably will be. It’s Shakespeare, so–

OLIVE
They’re always putting music in plays where there isn’t supposed to be music. I don’t mind musicals, but if I’m seeing a play, I’m seeing a play. If I want to see a musical, I’ll see a musical. Most of these plays are long enough without anything extra.

NIC
That’s–Yeah.

(A beat.)

OLIVE
Listen, if you’re in the play–

NIC
Olive.

OLIVE
–I don’t mind, but just please don’t bring me up onstage. My eye shadow is a mess today. I’ll be mortified.

NIC
I’m not in the play.

OLIVE
But it’s fine if you are. I know if you are, you can’t say you are. It’s like the FBI, right? You have to keep it a secret.

NIC
I’m not in the play.

OLIVE
I’m very good at keeping secrets. My sister has been sleeping around on my brother-in-law for years, and I’ve never told a soul.

NIC
Good for you.

OLIVE
So if you’re in the play–

NIC
I’m not the play.

OLIVE
I’m just saying, if you are, it’ll be between you and me.

NIC
I–Thank you. I appreciate that.

(A beat. BOTH look at their programs.)

OLIVE
I just don’t know how you learn all those lines.

NIC
I don’t have any lines.

OLIVE
So it’s not a speaking part?

NIC
No, I–

OLIVE
I’m sure you were very good at the audition, and they just had a lot of people to choose from.

NIC
I never auditioned.

OLIVE
Sleeping with the director, huh? Just like my sister.

NIC
I’m not an actor.

OLIVE
You’re right. I’m sorry. A thespian.

NIC
I promise you, Olive, I am not in the play.

OLIVE
But if you were in the play, that’s exactly what you would say.

NIC
At this point, I think I would just confess. You’ve a very good interrogator.

OLIVE
It’s from all those years I spent in the BBC.

NIC
You mean MI6?

OLIVE
Who told you about M16?

NIC
You don’t even have a British accent.

OLIVE
I don’t believe in accents.

NIC
That’s–fine.

OLIVE
You know who uses accents?

NIC/OLIVE
Your sister? / My sister.

OLIVE
She talks like a Southern debutante. The woman’s never been below the Mason Dixon line. A total phony.

NIC
Maybe she’s been an actress this whole time?

(A moment.)

OLIVE
You know what? I never thought of that.

NIC
I was just–

OLIVE
That would make sense. These plays they do now? They go on and on. I wouldn’t be surprised if my whole life was a play.

NIC
Like The Truman Show?

OLIVE
Or Kennedy. Or Roosevelt. I wouldn’t say it’s just like Truman.

NIC
You–

OLIVE
But politics is theater, yes, that’s very astute of you to say.

NIC
We should probably focus on the show.

OLIVE
It hasn’t started yet.

NIC
No, but–

OLIVE
Or has it started? Is that what you’re trying to communicate to me?

NIC
No, I’m really just trying to, uh, end the conversation.

OLIVE
Trying to get in the right headspace before you do one of your little monologues, huh?

NIC
Sure, if that’s what you want to–Sure.

OLIVE
I get the same way right before I do yoga.

NIC
Great. So you understand?

OLIVE
I understand completely.

(The LIGHTS start to dim.)

I hope it’s not too long. Do you know how long it is?

NIC
I don’t.

OLIVE
Does it say in the program?

NIC
No, it–

OLIVE
I think the runtime is right under–

(OLIVE stands up.)

My name!

NIC
What–is happening?

OLIVE
(With a British accent.)
You have entered the world of the play, dear audience member!

NIC
Oh god, no.

OLIVE
Please–

NIC
No.

OLIVE
If you would–

NIC
No, no, no.

OLIVE
Join me onstage!

(SOUND OF AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.)

NIC
I should have gone to the movies.

 

End of Play

DRAMATIS PERSONAE, one performer in a dual role

PRINCIPAL _____ – an elementary school principal, where _____ is the name of the performer, e.g. PRINCIPAL SALMONS

MARINE LE PEN MIZELLE – 10 year old girl

(A stage, as in an elementary school auditorium, with a microphone on a stand or podium. PRINCIPAL _____ enters.)

PRINCIPAL _____

Welcome, parents, students, and shareholders. My name’s ______ (full name of performer). I’m called Principal _____ here at the Ronald Dion DeSantis Memorial Charter School of Liberty and Cryptocurrency.

Thank you for being here tonight for DeSantis Memorial’s 3rd annual Essay Contest Classic. I’d also like to thank our education partners, Sears CryptoBuck & Co., “investing IRL since 1892 and AFRL since 2023”, Publix-AlphaSense, “putting AI back in agriculture”, and last but not least, Heritage NeuroSolutions, where “if you don’t like what you’re hearing here, forget we said anything”.

Folks, I tell you what, I’ve been in this job for only 5 months but I have never felt more blessed than I do at DeSantis Memorial. Every morning, I get to pull up the desk-cam master and see the smiling faces of our future. It’s a future identical to the present, because we’ve finally created the perfect society. As you all know, our school was named in honor of our late and dear President DeSantis, who inspired our guiding principle: faith-based free markets.

Through a combination of faith-based free markets and the determination to purge our culture of the spineless wokeism that ran wild through our nation a couple of decades ago, we have created a learning environment that puts our kids at the center of everything. DeSantis Memorial is the fiery crucible of the future leadership of our Divine Republic. And if you don’t already, I know that you’ll agree once you hear what these students have to say up here today.

(Looks down to read from a device in his hand)

Ok, so each student chose his or her own topic from a list of Board approved topics, and each student wrote his or her essay competitively without any assistance from parents or teachers.

(Looks back up at the audience)

So, if their essays are good or if they’re bad, well they can only blame themselves, because that’s how life works. Right?

(Looks back down to continue reading)

Our first reader tonight is rated 5-stars in the Koch Brothers Learner Productivity Index… That’s impressive! I didn’t know that until just now. Wow! And she’s trending toward the graduating class of 2048. Put your hands together, for Marine Mizelle.

(PRINCIPAL _____ walks off stage while clapping. Stops just off stage, still visible to the audience, and puts on a long-haired wig, then re-enters stage as MARINE LE PEN MIZELLE. Appears a little uncomfortable and begins to speak to the audience with unusual intonation, pronouncing “capitalism” with emphasis on “ism”, for example.)

MARINE LE PEN MIZELLE

Thaaanks, Principal _____. My name is Marine Le Pen Mizelle and I’m 10 years old. My essay is about capitalism and what it means to me.

(Looks down to read from a device in her hand)

What Capitalism Means To Me, by Marine Mizelle.

InfoWarTableBot says the definition of capitalism is as follows. Quote. Capitalism is the economic manifestation of liberty. To the extent that force is initiated in a social system, that system is then not capitalist to that extent, by definition. Such a black and white dichotomy is of no use to societal Lib-Dem parasites, who busy themselves redefining capitalism into a slur descriptive of any nominally organized scheme of thievery they do not control. End Quote.

(Sweeping a hand in gesture to the audience)

As you all know, most Lib-Dem parasites were enrolled in market-managed de-Nazification programs when the Special Police Operation Against Wokeist Traitors began in 2033. And, that the rest of the Lib-Dems were deported to the South China Seastead Penal Colony in cooperation with our ally, Kim Ju-ae and her United Korea. Even though there are no more Lib-Dems to spread lies,  I still think InfoWarTableBot’s definition of capitalism rings true. But capitalism also means something to me personally, as a free, productive person, too. It really means more than one thing to me as you will see in the rest of this essay, in which I talk about 4 things capitalism means to me. To conclude this introduction paragraph, my InfoWarTableBot is basically right, although there is more to it than what it said.

First of all, to me, capitalism means greater choice. People think it is really great that capitalism means more choices in things you can buy. Emitters are a good example. My dad thinks it’s just great that we have so many different kinds of emitters (he calls them light bulbs, because he’s old). One time I went with him to Home Depot to buy new emitters for our home lighting system. He spent a very long time looking at the boxes and handling them and reading the numbers and words like 60W Equivalent A19 and 750 lumens and non-dimmable daylight medium base LED. After about 10 minutes, my dad was so happy about all of the choices that he said “well, this is just fuggin great”. On the car ride home he explained that ‘fuggin’ – spelled with two Gs – is a synonym for ‘very’ that adults use when they’re very happy. In summary, more options to choose from mean happier, freedom-loving patriots circulating Stablecoin, like Hayekoin, through the economy.

The second thing that capitalism means to me, is freedom. Some people say that freedom is the greatest gift of America to the world. But not everyone in the world likes it. Before my grandpa Gary died in a botched upload, he talked about how the Commies of old Russia were vanquished when we invited a man named Boris Yeltsin to Randall’s grocery store in Texas and showed him a refrigerated display case of Jell O (said as two words) Pudding Pops. Grandpa Gary said Yeltsin was a Lib-Dem Commie but that he was so amazed by the Jell O that he commanded Russia to stop being Lib-Dems and to embrace freedom. I don’t really know who Yeltsin was, or what pudding pops were, or what a grocery store was, but I think what my grandpa Gary was trying to say is that freedom means buying anything you want, even if you don’t exactly know what it is or what it does or don’t really want it. And also, everyone loves freedom, except for Lib-Dems. Lib-Dems love taking freedom away, and they are the death of success, and I’m high-key happy I don’t know any. To summarize, freedom means buying the exact thing you want, whenever you want. And this happens with capitalism.

A third thing that capitalism means to me is that anybody can have any job they want if someone is willing to pay them to do it and they work hard for it. For example, you can be a clown. When I was 8, my dad got a Tasker as a clown for my birthday party. Clown Man arrived on time even though he told my dad that his wife was pregnant, (pausing, then as if explanation is needed) with a baby. And while Clown Man was making these fuggin cute 3D printed butterflies at my party (looking up from device to address audience, excitedly) the kind that light up, flutter around, and sing like real butterflies… (pausing, then looking back down to device) Anyway, while he was printing those, Mrs. Clown txted him that she was at the ER in labor with the clown baby, but Clown Man wouldn’t leave my party because he wanted to work hard and earn the right to live free with his Mrs. Clown and clown baby. The lesson I learned that day is that if you work hard like Mr. Clown, one day you won’t have to do work at a birthday party while your wife is experiencing a major medical event, and then you can TaskRabbit someone else to be the clown at your kid’s birthday party. In short, as long as someone loses, everyone wins.

Fourthly, capitalism means that you can make the fullest valuation of your worth as a person. Like the Florida State motto says, “Know your worth and then add tax. Because when you know your worth, you’ll stop giving people discounts.” Without capitalism, it is impossible to calculate human capital, or to leverage it with other forms of capital, like financial, social, moral, and legal capital. And without these other forms of capital, human capital is wasted on activities and interests that don’t generate intergenerational wealth, like social emotional learning, formalist art, critical race theory, and small university literary magazines*. Lib-Dems love these things and every night I thank God in Heaven that the Lib-Dems lost the Culture War, (with fear) I muh…I mean Special Military Operation, in 2035.

In summation, as you can clearly see, capitalism means many things to me. It means choice, freedom, jobs, and self-worth. These are just four things that capitalism means for me. Other things that I didn’t think about until later include being able to purchase pure water and air, having holidays for everything like Florida NFT Day and Florida Crayola Day and Free Market Values Week, and also extracting resources from the ground, like trees and clean-coal that otherwise would just be wasted.

(Emphasizing “I” and “you” while gesturing to oneself or the audience, respectively) Now, I ask you to think about what capitalism means to you. You might be surprised, but I know you’ll be free, and fuggin’ happy.

(Looking up to address the audience)

Thaaanks!

(Curtsies, then walks off stage. Removes wig and reenters the stage, clapping, as PRINCIPAL _____.)

PRINCIPAL _____

Thank you, Marine. That was a wonderful essay, and on such an important topic. I don’t know about 5 stars though. Maybe 3 and a half. But what a promising student she is. Don’t you agree? Wonderful.

(Clearing throat)

However, I am obliged to read this txt I received a moment ago.

(Looking down to read from device)

“The School Board of Shareholders gives notice that Marine Le Pen Mizelle is in violation of section 4.2 of the Saving our Children from Indecent Speech Act of 2029 on 4 counts. The Shareholders hereby formally condemn said violations… (scrolling on device) yada yada yada  … accordingly the Board shares owned by Marine’s parents, Chet Mizelle and Kassidy Wimble Mizelle, will be purchased back from them at a patriotically-adjusted market price, and Marine and her three brothers, Ronald Reagan Mizelle, Victor Orban Mizelle, and – (said under breath) wow –  Voldemort Putin Mizelle, also known as Wally Mizelle, will be required to attend the Magic Kingdom de-Nazification Charter Camp for the balance of the school year.“

(Looking up at audience, wagging finger with mock seriousness)

So, let that be a lesson to you kids. Behave or it’s off to Disney!

(Laughing nervously)

Ok, well, joking aside, on a different note, I’ve since learned that only one student entered the Essay Contest Classic this year. I guess I’m pleased to announce the winner by default of the Ronald Dion DeSantis Memorial Charter School of Liberty and Cryptocurrency 3rd Annual Essay Contest Classic. Give it up, once more, for Marine Mizelle!

(Clapping)

Congratulations, Marine!

(Inquiringly looking off stage)

Come on out.

(Addressing someone off stage)

Where is she? Is she…  Oh. The TeslaRail station?

(Addressing audience)

OK, well, it seems that Miss Mizelle has already caught the train to Disney. So.

(Searching for something to say)

Um, you know, it was our late, great leader President DeSantis himself who once said that if there’s a chance someone is an enemy, it’s best to err on the side of caution. Those were wise words. Well. I think that concludes tonight’s contest. I hope you found it productive and worth your time, despite what just happened.

(Searchingly looking at the audience)

Perhaps… perhaps we can all take comfort in Marine’s own words. You’ll recall that she just said “as long as someone loses, we all win”. Well said, Marine.  Well said.

(Pause. Then snapping out of it)

OK! Before we wrap up here I just want to remind everyone that if you have a fifth grader who signed up for safety patrol next year, we need to have their KidCarry permit on file in the office before the first day of class, and they need to bring their own sidearm in good working order. If (looking incredulous), for some reason, your child doesn’t have a sidearm, they can always check one out in the media center on the first day of class. There is a deposit. One hundred and thirty Hayekoin, which you’ll get back at the end of the year if you return the piece in good working order. Ok? Ok, thank you again for coming. Be safe.

 

CHARACTERS
Arthur…………………………..man, any age, any ethnicity
Felicity…………………………woman, any age, any ethnicity
Announcement

SETTING
A train stop platform with tracks below

TIME
Present

PRODUCTION NOTES
The Announcement’s italicized dialogue represents robotic word/number inserts: ex. “The train is 1 minute late.” The announcement can be pre-recorded, or played by an actor on a mic offstage.

The set doesn’t need to be complex: only a distinction between above and below is necessary.

PUNCTUATION
— denotes an interruption, either by another character or by a character interrupting themselves

… denotes a trailing off of thought

 

At rise: A train stop platform. There are yellow safety markings near the edge of the tracks, which are below. ARTHUR, the only person waiting, stands on the platform, looking down. He is wearing a sticker that says “VISITOR.”

ANNOUNCEMENT
The 3:35 AM train will arrive in 1 minute.

ARTHUR takes a deep breath.

ANNOUNCEMENT (cont’d)
Repeat, the 3:35 AM train will arrive in 1 minute.

ARTHUR jumps onto the tracks.

ANNOUNCEMENT (cont’d)
For your safety, please stand clear of the yellow line.

ARTHUR faces the direction of the oncoming train. He closes his eyes. A long pause. A longer pause. ARTHUR looks around. He looks at his watch.

ANNOUNCEMENT (cont’d)
The 3:35 AM train has been delayed for 1 minute. We are sorry for the inconvenience.

ARTHUR looks at his watch. Looks at the tracks ahead of him.

ANNOUNCEMENT (cont’d)
The 3:35 AM train has been delayed for an additional 5 minutes. Total wait time is 6 minutes.

ARTHUR
Goddamnit!

ANNOUNCEMENT
We are sorry for the inconvenience.

ARTHUR paces. FELICITY silently enters and sits on the edge of the platform, on the yellow line. She carries a purse. ARTHUR continues to pace; suddenly he notices her and startles.

ARTHUR
Fuck! Where did you come from?

FELICITY
(gently)
That’s a dangerous place to stand. (she reaches out her hand to him) Want a hand up?

ARTHUR
I— Don’t talk to me.

 

… [Click here to purchase a copy of the magazine]

Setting:

A bar.

Present day. Late afternoon.

A high wire runs high in the air, from stage left to stage right.

 

Characters:

 

Rob                    m., any age, any race.

A man’s man; talks a big game. Slick.

 

Aldo                    m., any age, any race.

He appears to be just emerging from a slightly catatonic state,                                                                           like a man wrestling with the reverberations of a recent trauma.

Words don’t come easy.

 

Waiter                 m., formal to the point of absurdity, as if from a former era. Any

age.

 

Aerialist:           f., aerial dancer, expert at using either aerial-silks, rope, trapeze,                                                                       hoop, or some combination thereof.

 

Productions might deploy one lone aerialist, many aerialists (as in: a flock of aerialists), or no aerialists at all.

 

Note about choreography:

In the script, there are places where the aerialist is instructed to enter, exit, drift, float, twist, turn, stay in the shadows, occupy a prominent position center stage, and so on. But directors and choreographers should have complete license to reinvent their own manner and method of choreography, to interpret all and any stage directions loosely, however they wish, or even to disregard them altogether.

The physical movements of the aerialist might emphasize, offset, punctuate, obliterate, or render mysterious certain moments in the script. She may use silks or rope or hoop or trapeze or scaffolding or whatever aerial equipment she prefers.

There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to the choreography for and interpretation of the aerialist-as-theatrical-figure. She might seem an abstraction, a dream, a figment of the actors’ or the characters’ imagination(s), or an absurdity: in other words, as a literal woman suspended in the air in a bar.

Up to you.

*

 

Prologue:

In darkness, melancholy music plays, mysterious and full of longing. It might be a single flute, or a violin, or a cello.

The Aerialist appears, her long hair pinned up in a bun.

She dangles, mid-air, immune to the laws of gravity.

The light must hit her just so.

She aerial-dances, suspended high above the ground, as if casting a spell.

Then magically disappears.

Lights out.

 

Scene 1:

 

In darkness, sounds are heard: horns honk, subways screech, traffic, hollering, planes drone: the rumbling hustle-bustle of a city.

Lights up, revealing…

ROB and ALDO, dressed in business casual, seated at table in bar. Rob has a glass of whiskey; Aldo, an empty glass. An ashtray contains a few cigarette butts.

 

ROB

Well, that’s horrible.

ALDO

(shrugging it off)

It’s just sporadic.

ROB

You go blind and black out and wake up in a place you’ve never been before? How often does this happen?

ALDO

Once in a blue moon.

ROB

Did you fall off the wagon or what?

ALDO

Been sober almost a year to the day.

ROB

Maybe that’s the problem.

ALDO

Ha-ha.

ROB

Look, I’m not gonna bullshit you. Sounds like an odd form of narcolepsy.

Or a fabrication.

ALDO

It’s not a fabrication. Narcolepsy, maybe.

ROB

And this happens… how often?

ALDO

I told you. It’s intermittent.

ROB

But more than once or twice?

ALDO

Sure.

ROB

How many times exactly?

ALDO

I wasn’t counting, Rob.

Rob removes a business card from billfold, hands it to Aldo.

ROB

Listen, I got someone you should call. Kathy and I saw her when things got crazy on the home front. Helped a lot.

Aldo scans the card.

ALDO

Really, Rob? A psychiatrist?

ROB

Hey, beats blacking out in broad daylight.

(slugs back whiskey)

One more club soda before I hit the road? I’ll order their finest brand.

ALDO

I’m good. You?

ROB

Prob’ly shouldn’t, my friend. Cindy awaits.

ALDO

Cindy?

ROB

My latest “escapade.”

ALDO

I thought you swore off “escapades.”

ROB

Cindy’s not an escapade. She’s a serious hobby. Love to stay, but Cindy’s a stickler for punctuality. Plus, she charges by the hour.

(flags waiter)

The check, good sir!

Aldo reaches for his wallet; Rob holds up one hand.

ROB (CONT’D)

It’s on me.

ALDO

Big spender.

ROB

Not a chance! It’s on the company. I can expense it.

ALDO

Expense away.

ROB

Oh, c’mon, don’t look at me like that.

ALDO

Like what?

ROB

Like that. C’mon, we all need a little Cindy in our lives. No guessing games, no smoke and mirrors, no wild goose chases. No exorbitant mating rituals. No dinner, no dances, no flowers. No expensive jewelry. With Cindy, what you see is what you get.

(slaps cash on table)

That’s basic to a man.

Rob starts to get up, put on jacket. Overhead, in shadows, the Aerialist begins to descend. For now, she’s a silhouette.

ROB (CONT’D)

Anyway, I say give the good doc a shot. Whattaya got to lose?

Aerialist hovers, dips. She flickers, momentarily.

Pause.

Rob stares at Aldo, who seems to be concentrating hard on a point somewhere deep within himself. Aldo struggles to speak.

ALDO

Actually? A lot.

Aerialist belays a little closer, turns herself inside out.

ROB

(studying Aldo, skeptical)

I don’t get it.

ALDO

No. You wouldn’t.

Aerialist spirals, as if in free fall, then collects herself.

Aldo might stare at Aerialist. He might stare off into the distance. He might close his eyes. Whatever he does, it’s in response, on some level, to the movements of the Aerialist.

Rob watches Aldo, perplexed. WAITER approaches with check. He’s strangely formal, old-world.

ROB

Little change of plan here, chief. One more club soda for my friend, and another CC on the rocks for yours truly. Thanks, mon ami.

Waiter nods stiffly, exits.

Overhead, the Aerialist extends an arm as if casting a spell, ascending higher. She holds as much focus as the men beneath her, if not more. Her every movement should constitute a kind of response to the conversation below.

ALDO

And what of the punctual Cindy?

ROB

A few minutes I can spare. Help me understand something, Aldo, lowly worm that I am: when you “wake up” in these heretofore unknown places, how do you manage to find your way home?

Aerialist gestures, unravelling: a smooth, fluid movement.

ALDO

It always seems to work out.

ROB

So you’re not waking up in Timbuktu or Madagascar? These strange, unforeseen places you land just happen to be conveniently located right here in town?

ALDO

Actually, the last time it happened? I was in Eastern Europe somewhere.

Aerialist executes a contortion, as if bending her soul.

ROB

What, like Slovenia?

ALDO

Maybe Croatia.

Aerialist turns and turns, mid-air, as if finding her way in the dark. She reaches out one toe, locating the high wire. Supporting herself with silks (or ropes or scaffolding or hoop) she steps onto the wire, checking her balance.

ROB

So you’re dreaming. Hallucinating. Tripping the light fantastic, to put it mildly.

ALDO

I don’t think so, no.

Aerialist places other foot on high wire. Wobbles, catches herself, pirouettes in other direction.

ROB

‘s gotta be night terrors then? Sleepwalking? Borderline psychosis? Okay, okay, when was the most recent episode?

ALDO

Recent enough.

ROB

Can you be a little less vague?

ALDO

You hunger for specifics.

ROB

Hey. I’m nosy that way.

Rob pilfers a cigarette from Aldo. Aldo lights it for him.

ALDO

Last night. Happy now?

The aerialist executes a breath-taking move, perhaps a teardrop or a split upside-down. Perhaps a figurehead. It should have some grand sweep to it, the illusion of risk.

ROB

(taking a drag)

Sleepwalking, definintely sleepwalking. Some dissociative, dream-limbo state. Land of repressed memories. Amnesia’s linked to trauma, you know. There are studies about that.

ALDO

If you say so, chief.

ROB

So, yesterday, when you found yourself in some… Croatian… wonder-scape… where exactly were you? On the banks of the Danube?

ALDO

The Danube doesn’t run through Croatia, Rob.

ROB

I never took geography. So shoot me.

The Aerialist and Aldo make a connection. It’s subtle.

ROB (CONT’D)

Fine. If not the Danube, where were you?

Slight pause, as the Aerialist ups the ante.

ALDO

On a high-wire. Of sorts.

ROB

Hey, I get it. These incidents would be precarious for anyone.

ALDO

No. I mean I was. Literally.

ROB

Literally what?

Cue: mysterious, melancholy melody from opening of play.

ALDO

On a tightrope wire, a hundred meters or so up in the air. No net.

Rob stares at Aldo. The Aerialist executes a gorgeous move, takes her time. The movement should have breadth and width, encompassing a wild, reckless kind of beauty.

ALDO (CONT’D)

It was some kind of… European circus. Not in a tent, just. Out in the open air. In some kind of… town square.

ROB

In Slovenia?

ALDO

Croatia, Rob.

The Aerialist speeds her movements, gathering momentum.

ROB

This is either neurological, or it’s a load of horse shit.

ALDO

Truth is stranger than fiction.

The Aerialist slows. Dangles in limbo. Perhaps she hides in the rafters. Perhaps she disappears.

ROB

Fiction, maybe. But science-fiction? That’s another story.

Waiter enters, with another round.

ALDO

To Cindy. May she be running late.

ROB

Goddammit, Aldo! You got me all turned around.

Rob starts to drink. Stops. Puts his glass down.

ROB (CONT’D)

Ya know, I miss when you used to drink. You weren’t so fucking weird then. I actually miss you, man.

ALDO

I have nothing to say in my own self-defense. It is what it is.

ROB

Sobriety?

ALDO

That, too.

ROB

Yeah, well, who needs booze when you’ve got other diversions to fall back on. High wire acts, hallucinations, tall-tales and all.

A swift, sharp move by the Aerialist, a touch of venom in it.

ALDO

You think I’m lying.

ROB

Lying? You? Nah, I’ll just take this whole circus thing as a metaphor. With your permission, of course.

Aerialist becomes agitated, unhappy, her movements insistent.

ALDO

But I don’t mean it metaphorically! I just. Mean it. Last night, when I came to, I found myself walking along a tight-rope wire towards a beautiful girl.

The Aerialist commands focus, both of Aldo and the audience.

ALDO (CONT’D)

There were stars in the sky. A full moon. And darkness all around.

Aerialist holds the moment, in extremis. Long pause.

ROB

Sure you don’t want my shrink’s number?

ALDO

What for? So she can cure me? I’d have to be crazy to let that happen.

Aerialist swings up and out of reach, as if being set free.

ROB

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute! You’re saying you actually like these episodes?

ALDO

I don’t like them. I love them. Live for them.

The Aerialist spins rapidly, with abandon. Exultant. Sublime.

ALDO (CONT’D)

I pray for them to happen! Pray for the lightning bolt to drop out of the sky and hit me every time! You see, there’s always this beautiful woman…

ROB

Don’t tell me. The high-wire lady?

The Aerialist slowly comes to a halt, floats in darkness.

ALDO

Sure, the high-wire lady. Of course the high-wire lady! Who else would I bump into on a tightrope, a hundred feet up in the air, with nothing but a filmy layer of sawdust between us and the ground?

Aerialist extends her whole being towards Aldo. Tears fall.

ROB

How d’you make it down alive? That’s my question.

Pause: Aldo wrestles with some persistent, ancient feeling.

ALDO

She helps me. Every time.

Pause. Rob takes in Aldo, mystified. Aerialist extends her arms.

ROB

Aldo? You in love?

ALDO

(considers)

Is that what you call this?

ROB

You got all the telltale signs.

ALDO

Huh.

ROB

Take my advice. Nip this thing in the bud. Pills, hypnotism. Acupuncture, the little needles in the spine. A phone sex session. Heck, I can give you Cindy’s number if you want.

ALDO

No. No Cindy.

ROB

Look, you’re on the jagged edge of some kinda crazy freefall here. Grab the wheel with both hands! Take the bull by the horns! Regain a modicum of control, for the love of god!

The Aerialist begins to drift. Further, then further still.

ALDO

(considers, then balks)

I can’t. Can’t give it up. Not yet.

ROB

Can’t give up what? Losing your mind? You could get hit by a truck, or walk off a cliff. Hell, you could fall right off the high-wire! It’s risky, if you ask me. Cut it out.

ALDO

If gaining control means losing her, then, no, I don’t want it.

The Aerialist swings like a pendulum, looking from Rob to Aldo and back to Rob, as if watching a game of ping-pong. She holds her breath in suspense. A bird in mid-flight.

ROB

Hey, hey, Aldo. Hey. Easy there. Look. I get it. Beautiful girl up on a high wire, who could resist?

Aerialist expands ever-outwards, arms and legs.

ROB (CONT’D)

Still, it’s a crap-shoot. Risky at best.

ALDO

I don’t know how long this will last…

ROB

In my experience, these things are fleeting. Easy come, easy go.

Aerialist turns upside down, head toward the earth.

ALDO

I just. Want to stay in the present. I don’t want to analyze it too much. She’s. How do I explain it? She’s. Teaching me things, Rob.

ROB

Things like what?

Aerialist, as if in a trance, reaches one cautious hand to her head, and removes one of many hairpins from her hair. She might slowly, purposefully, drop each hair pin, one by one, onto the floor near Rob and Aldo.

ALDO

How to keep my balance. How to not to look down. How to keep my eyes on the target. How not too dwell on how far I’ve come. Stuff like that.

Rob looks at Aldo, a little mystified. Aerialist continues removing hairpins, one by one.

ALDO (CONT’D)

She almost fell. Last night. From the high-wire. She was doing great, but then she– she lost her footing. A noise in the crowd snagged her focus. The dancing bear broke out of his cage and lunged for one of the clowns and… For an instant– for one terrible instant– her concentration wavered, and she lost her balance. For a split second, she faltered. Faltered hard. But you know what? I was there to catch her. Me, Rob.

ROB

Grabbed her by the tutu, did ya?

ALDO

No, Rob.

In one swift, certain movement, the Aerialist lets her hair come completely undone and fall to the ground. The hair is wildly, strangely, surrealistically long. The Aerialist might release a high-pitched, fantastic wailing sound, sound of a bird or animal, or a whispered cry, off-key.

ALDO (CONT’D)

By her hair! She has very long hair. Extremely long. Six or seven yards.

Aerialist rights herself and walks the wire, hair loose now. Aldo looks up at her, rapt.

ALDO (CONT’D)

Her hair goes past her feet, it drapes like a curtain all around her when she walks the wire. She’s never cut that hair. Not once in her whole life, I don’t think.

Aerialist continues to walk the wire. Rob looks up, notices Aerialist for the first time, does a double-take. Shakes it off, regains his bearings, focuses on Aldo.

ROB

She told you this?

ALDO

Her hair’s a big part of her act. She walks the high-wire with this long, luminous hair shining in the spotlight. Just her hair alone is a major draw. People come for miles to see that hair, pay big money to say they’ve seen that hair at least once in their lives.

Rob and Aldo gaze up at the Aerialist walking the wire.

ROB

(rapt, looking up)

You caught her by the hair.

The Aerialist freezes, mid-wire. She doesn’t move an inch.

ALDO

I almost lost her. But then, I didn’t.

ROB

Wow.

ALDO

It could have been very bad, Rob.

ROB

No doubt.

ALDO

I mean, very bad. The dancing bear had gotten loose, broken out of its chains. That beast eats small ponies for breakfast. One bite is all it takes, and poof! There goes happiness.

Slowly but surely, the Aerialist climbs out of sight, moving into the shadows. Perhaps she watches from afar. Perhaps she peeks out from behind the curtain. Perhaps she adjusts one of the stage lights, dimming it, adjusting the angle slightly.

ROB

(anxious)

But it didn’t?

ALDO

No, thank god. It didn’t go anywhere.

ROB

You pulled her back up onto the wire.

ALDO

It took some effort, but yeah, I did.

Rob’s cell phone dings! – incoming text message.

The Aerialist vanishes from sight.

Shift to more “realistic” lighting.

ALDO (CONT’D)

Lemme guess. Miss Punctuality herself?

ROB

I’m cancelling. I– I can’t stand it.

ALDO

Stand what?

ROB

Another “escapade.” I just– can’t.

Rob texts a reply, puts phone away. Pause. Both men are visibly changed: Rob, viscerally shaken; Aldo, at peace.

ROB (CONT’D)

(agitated, unnerved)

I’m gonna buy some flowers for Kathy. Take her out. Maybe I’ll take a long, hard look at– I don’t know. Her hair.

ALDO

Well, sure. Sure you are. How could you not?

(slides cash on table back to Rob)

That’s basic to a man.

Rob hesitates to take back his cash.

ALDO (CONT’D)

Take it. Go on. I got this round.

Aldo calmly reaches in his pocket, pulls out a money roll, doles out a few bills on the table. Gets up and exits the bar with purpose. Like a man who’s just undergone an exorcism.

The Aerialist might reappear, flickering, to watch Aldo go, then turn to lock eyes with Rob.

Upon locking eyes with the Aerialist, Rob freezes. Sits stock-still for a moment, mystified.

Rob starts to check cell phone, then stops. Puts cell phone down. He fidgets. He looks up. He looks around. Reaches for cell phone one more time, sets it down again. He puts his head in his hands. Stays there a while. Then stands, puts on coat.

As he puts on his jacket, he notices a long, winding crack in the floor. He stops and stares at it. Then he looks around. Seeing no one around, he reaches out one toe, places foot on top of the crack, as if walking on a tightrope. He places his other foot in front of the first, and stands there, arms akimbo, checking his balance. Painstakingly, he begins to walk the length of the crack as if walking a high-wire. He might hum a tune– perhaps the same melody from the play’s opening moments. He might make a low whispery sound, the same high-pitched sound, or the same fantastic animal sound the Aerialist made earlier.

Sometimes he falls off the crack. Sometimes he stays on. Either way, he concentrates very hard.

ROB

(raising his glass)

To love.

(reconsiders, re-phrases)

To losing control.

(thinks, re-phrases again)

To the whole damn circus!

Rob walks a few more paces along the crack. Finds his groove.

He might make an attempt to imitate one of the Aerialist’s moves. At first, he does so tentatively. Then with more commitment. Finally he puts his whole heart and soul into it.

Waiter appears with a tray, but stops short when he sees Rob.

Waiter glances upward, searching for something overhead.

He continues to scan the air.

Rob, oblivious to the waiter, continues to make his way precariously along the imaginary high-wire, sometimes coming close to falling, catching himself, then trying again.

Sensing someone, Rob looks up, sees waiter observing him.

Embarrassed, waiter quickly busies himself. Occasionally, though, he still glances upward.

Rob continues to steal glances at the waiter, occasionally catching the waiter looking up. When he does, the waiter tries to look even busier.

Rob takes in the moment. What is going on? He might laugh.

ROB (CONT’D)

You, too, huh?

The waiter says nothing. Stays busy, remains tight-lipped.

ROB (CONT’D)

Ah, buddy, no need to explain.

Embarrassed, the waiter shoots Rob a dirty look. Goes back to tidying up. Then exits, indignant– but not before casting one last anxious look up in the air, checking for the Aerialist.

ROB (CONT’D)

(to himself)

No need to explain at all…

Rob raises his glass.

ROB (CONT’D)

To life on the high-wire…

He nods, that feels right. He raises his glass in the direction of the waiter, then to the offstage Aldo, and finally to the invisible high-wire lady in the sky.

ROB (CONT’D)

May you always stay on it.

Rob starts to toss back the last of his drink, but stops himself.

ROB (CONT’D)

(calls)

Uh, waiter? Little change of heart. I’d like to get your finest brand of club soda, right here…

FADE TO BLACK.

END OF PLAY

 

CHARACTERS

CLOWN 1: FEMALE, ANY AGE.

CLOWN 2: MALE, ANY AGE.

DOUG, THE LIZARDMAN: EARLY 40S.

TIME: NOW

LOCATIONS: MULTIPLE

 

The curtains are down as lights come up. From behind them we                                                                    start hearing one side of a dialogue:

 

CLOWN 1

(offstage)

Well, where is he! Uh… No, I can’t, I cant! There’s a balance to these things, I can’t just do it alone. They’re gonna hate it, they’re gonna hate me! Listen, I just don’t know how to handle rejection… Ok! Fine, fine!

Clown1 comes through the curtains. She stares at the audience, opens a wide smile.

CLOWN 1

Hi. Hello. How we, uh, how we doing today friends? It’s so nice to have you here, I’m sorry if this isn’t like, great, I usually have a partner to open the show with and…

Doesn’t matter! Does noooot matter. I’ll just, uh, do you folks like juggling? I can totally, yeah… Would you like that?

She puts her head back inside the curtains.

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