Author Archives: Qu Literary Magazine

Singularity

In 1993, mathematician Vernor Vinge warned against the coming technological ‘singularity,’ an event he predicted would occur between 2005 and 2030. The event: basically, robots take over the world. Vinge felt ambivalent and said more or less this: The robots are coming, the robots are coming, the robots are almost here. I am excited for the robots and afraid of the robots the robots are almost here. The robots are almost here, my friend, the robots are almost here. The robots will do whatever we say the robots won’t do what we say. The robots are us until the robots aren’t us the robots are almost here. The future is coming close your eyes close your eyes the robots can almost hear. I bring news of the future the end is in sight all is afright the robots are almost here.

Transit Manifesto

1. The purpose of transit is transit.

2. Three transit zones exist: mechanical, perambulatory, and the collective line.

3. Each zone has rules. In the mechanical, one must think only of transit. Any deviation from thoughts of transit results in revocation of one’s mechanical transit pass. The purpose of transit is transit.

4. The purpose of transit is not consumption of food is not consumption of information is not pleasure the purpose of transit is transit.

5. Those in the collective line will be removed forcefully if impeding the movement of the collective line. Pretending one is not in a collective line is strictly forbidden.

6. The collective line can spring upon you at any moment. Do not be taken unawares by the collective line.

7. Creation of collective lines by standing before or behind another citizen is encouraged but only for the sake of transit not for personal revenge.

8. Collective lines are organic. Transit is organic. Transit is purpose.

Interestingly, the Vow of Chastity DOGMA 95 Manifesto

raises a heretofore undiscussed aspect of a good manifesto: it must be self-flagellating: The author of Manifesto X sees clearly that the power dynamic is broken and while author may have some power it’s meager as manifesto authors are never empowered they are on the short side of things. Author of Manifesto X must make himself Christlike via manifesto, must through Manifesto X show that he is willing to sacrifice his own humanity—empathy, including pleasure, most of all joy—in following the dictums of Manifesto X. Manifestos are composed by the sad muttering heirs of Zeno the madman as only words remain now that THE STOICS are gone; their pitiful descendants, upset at the state of the world, slap words together as a sad code for self-punishment, thinking that through personal suffering they will challenge the order of things…

…precisely as is seen in the Dinner Party Manifesto

1. A dinner party is not a ‘party.’

2. A dinner party is rather a competition with every other dinner party.

3. In advance, request dietary restrictions.

4. Then, insultingly, ignore them.

5. In the days leading to dinner party, make a time-plan: this dish then, clean this then, prep then.

6. Burn the list before significant other’s alarmed eyes.

7. It’s all just fun! insist to significant other.

8. Because: We’re going to win this thing together!

9. A bit of sensory imbalance and discomfort creates sensitive and open-minded

guests: Johnny Greenwood’s There Will Be Blood soundtrack
a too-strong scent of aromatherapy bergamot
welcome bags with Off! wipes

10. Instruct guests to, as you apply the finishing touches, go outside and behold the moonrise.

11. Provide there for them a tub with ice, alcohols, and raw potatoes.

12. Watch them from the kitchen window; shut it quickly when they look at you.

13. Serve the meal two hours after the announced time.

14. Make sure it’s bloody.

15. Tell them about the handfuls of MSG only after the meal.

16. Tell them that this dinner party, your dinner party, has the advantage of recency bias.

17. That, as it’s the season’s first dinner party, it also has the advantage of anchoring bias.

18. Throw your napkin down and cry out that you will never ever attend another dinner party!

19. Bow. Show them the exit. Never once ask their names.

Everyone Knows

Marinetti’s Futurism manifesto, which proves the hypothesis that a manifesto is by nature hysterical. As in this line:

“Smell,” I exclaimed, “smell is good enough for wild beasts!”

Etc. A manifesto is a bit like Viktor Frankenstein in the midst of one of his mad passions, always fainting, far too frequently employing questionable metaphorical language. A little violent, existing in opposition to established orders. A manifesto goes on too long. A manifesto is not meant to be funny at all yet is fucking hilarious. A manifesto is written after midnight drunk with friends and is forgotten until whoops social media alerts the next day. A manifesto is an angry teenager who blares Cat Stevens’s “Father and Son” behind locked doors. A manifesto is a little tired. A manifesto is so glad for summer vacation. A manifesto looks back from time to time and thinks, Wow, what an asshole I was! And it is in a layered gray pajamaed ambivalence of nostalgia, regret, fondness, and shame that manifesto climbs into bed each night, leans over, kisses significant other on the cheek, and lies back, wishing the ceiling weren’t there, that sky and space and stars in all their darkness were visibly rushing in raucous still silence above.

Then of course there’s the SCUM MANIFESTO

In which, prior to shooting Warhol, Valerie Solanas shared these amongst many lines:

Maleness is a deficiency disease.
He is at best an utter bore, an inoffensive blob.
He is trapped in a twilight zone halfway between humans and apes.
He’s a machine, a walking dildo.
Every man, deep down, knows he’s a worthless piece of shit.
Just think of what you could do with 80 trillion dollars — invest it!
And in three years time you’d have 300 trillion dollars!!!
Actual fact: the female function is to relate, groove, love and be herself.
The male function is to produce sperm.
(the ultimate male insight is that life is absurd)
Sex is a gross waste of time.
Life, an utter bore.
SCUM wants to grab some thrilling living for itself.
SCUM is too impatient to wait for the de-brainwashing of millions of assholes.
Eventually SCUM will take over the airwaves.
SCUM will couple-bust — barge into couples, wherever they are, and bust them up. SCUM will conduct Turd Sessions, at which every male present will give a speech beginning with the sentence: `I am a turd, a lowly abject turd.’
If SCUM ever strikes, it will be in the dark with a six-inch blade.

Thusly we learn that a manifesto can in fact be a mad cry in the darkness a hot burning flame a match struck this this is wrong this is so wrong wrong wrong here I proclaim what would be righter maybe also wrong but at least a little righter than this abject bullshit motherfucking turd unfairness this utter dehumanizing inequity. A manifesto doesn’t even know that all about in the darkness there are other burning flames. A manifesto is so alone that a manifesto doesn’t know that it is not alone because in its heart of hearts a manifesto is a written thing written by a writer in a dark room alone in her mind screaming (silently) against darkness her skin aflame (screaming) and perhaps we might reach out and give comfort but no, we can’t, too hot, have to let her screaming burn.

Neoliberal Aurelian Grocery Shopping Manifesto begins

Oh, wow, are your days numbered.

Meetings Manifesto

• The focus should not be on fear of the “what if” scenario if we don’t hold meetings, but to focus on building meetings to improve them

• Definitions and roles are defined by Position Description Questionnaires (PDQs)

• The formula for determining roles may not be one that can be applied to everyone

• Professionally, certain titles do matter

• How we define meeting roles may be based on intelligence quotient, velocitation, or other metrics or factors

• Definitions of roles should also clearly specify summer advising expectations

• Prior to meetings, units should meet first to define their own affinity groups to create opportunities for collaborative team-building exercises at subsequent meetings

• Meetings could help us be more distinctive

• Meetings should focus on improving experiences and success

• To help with meetings we need to look at comparable models

• The activity of thinking about how meetings can be interdisciplinary should certainly be on the first half of the agenda

• So much more flexible with meetings offerings

• Meetings should begin with recitation of roles followed by meetings offerings

• Meetings should address specific problems stake-holders need to resolve (e.g., increasing follow-up meetings) and if meetings cannot resolve these specific problems, meetings about how meetings need to be realigned with meetings can be had, based on this evidence

Pizza Manifesto #37

All pizza is perfectly fine food.
But not all pizza is good pizza.

A Manifesto

Does not laugh.

Does not listen.

Is as deep as it is shallow.

Complains and proclaims.

Is masculine at heart.

Is one more terrible written in the face of all the more terrible.

Even as it is born it rejects and wishes to inflict suffering.

Is pleased with all the coming ends of things.

Wants to eat its father.

Shouts and shouts even as it begins to suspect that no one is listening.

Goes on too long.

Doesn’t ever learn that there’s no point in arguing.

Doesn’t understand that a person is not a people.

Is so lonely.

Even More Essentially,

a manifesto is an articulated desire for freedom in an age of imposed constraint. In 1776, the American colonies published the Declaration of Independence Manifesto. In 1812, Simón Bolívar published the Cartagena Manifesto. 1848 Communist, 1850 Anarchist. In 1965, consumer advocate Ralph Nader subverted the manifesto form by publishing the anti-manifesto Unsafe at Any Speed, articulating a desire for imposed constraint in a time of freedom. The year prior, 1964, conceptual artist Stanley Brouwn published the Short Manifesto. It’s got 96 words, so it’s not really that short. In it, Brouwn writes things like, “When science and art are entirely melted together,” and “people will have lost their remembrance and thus will have no past, only future,” and “they will live in a world of only colour, light, space, time, sounds, and movement…[all] will be free.” Come on. It is abundantly clear that Brouwn did not overly consider his assertions. A people with no past and no memory is a people who have not suffered and people who have not suffered cannot empathize and people who cannot empathize are not humane and Brouwn supported being humane. Science and art will not entirely melt into one. Gross. A people who don’t need others aren’t people, they are a person. A person is not a people. You cannot bestow freedom on Space as Space is free. As light is free.

Oh, Stanley.

An Alternative Short Manifesto: The Holiday Party Manifesto

There is nothing more or less ironic than a deviled egg.

Perhaps in Fact a Manifesto

is everything ever written or spoken? Perhaps a manifesto is in fact all communication, every plea and exclamation, every careful or indignant assertion? An I-hit-my-shin-against-the-bed-frame manifesto. An I-would-like-a-large-#9-combo-meal manifesto. A No-one-by-that-name-lives here-manifesto. An I-wonder-many-good-movies-Don-Draper-has-been-in manifesto. A What-is-the-root-of-the-Azerbaijan-Armenia-conflict manifesto. A What-is-going-on-with-this-weird virus manifesto. A When-will-this-presidential-race-be-over manifesto. A When-will-we-get back-to-normal manifesto. A What-even-was-normal manifesto. A Despite-it-all-Good-morning,- Lovely, manifesto. Last-night-was-quite-nice, manifesto. Wasn’t-it, manifesto.

Or, Alternately,

Is a book a manifesto? Is a manifesto a book? Or is: a book-is-a-manifesto manifesto. Is every book a manifesto? Is this a manifesto? Is a manifesto deep or is a manifesto shallow? Does a manifesto resound or is it a wee bit tinny? Is there even a new manifesto? Or is every manifesto already written? Are we just stumbling in darkness with our hands out groping after manifesto after manifesto? Are we lost in space, surrounded by dark matter manifestos? IS THIS MANIFESTO A DARK MATTER? Is it the type of manifesto to make a sound like Whoosh? like the deep sound of spinning in space? like all the sound was there a moment ago, all about you and in your mind, and Whoosh, now all the sound is gone, all is gone, the Whoosh Manifesto in which the future seems suddenly unstable and bleak and scary, but does anyone even hear this manifesto?